Why the silent treatment hurts so much

[AskingWhy]

The silent treatment is a common weapon of choice for pwBPD and pw NPD.  It's their way of letting you know just how much you displeased them and how much they despise you when they devalue you.

The silent treatment affects us on an emotional level (before I understood the dynamics of BPD, I was reduced to begging for reconciliation and tears) but also the physical one.  Science has discovered this via brain scans.  This is probably why those of us abused by BPD partners fall into depression (both a mental and physical illness) from the frequent emotionally battering.

https://www.heysigmund.com/the-silent-treatment/

[Notwendy]

The ST was something my BPD mother did to me when I was a kid. It was awful. My H did the same to me in our marriage. I also would plead, ask, try to figure out what he was angry at me for, and he didn't tell me. It helped to see it for what it is- a form of emotional abuse. Patricia Evens includes this in her books on verbal abuse as a form of verbal abuse, even if it isn't using words.

With the help of a 12 step co-dependency sponsor, I was able to keep my composure during an especially long ST. That seemed to be a game changer for me. For some ( thank goodness) reason, the ST didn't have the same effect on me. Because the ST no longer worked to get the desired effect of me paying extra attention, it has diminished in frequency. I no longer reinforce it.

We behave as if it is our responsibility to find out what is wrong. IMHO, adults have words to describe their feelings. We are not mind readers. If someone is angry at us- it is their responsibility to communicate that. When we stop pleading, asking- we give that responsibility back to them. We tell 4 year olds who are tantruming to "use your words" to describe their feelings. Adults can "use their words" too.

[LongGame]

I am in the midst of a 9 month long ST episode from my wife. She ignores me, and leaves as soon as I get home and doesn't return until I have put all of the kids to bed.
I have had ups and downs with my feelings throughout all of this. I have come to realize this is the single worst thing about BPD, and am wondering if this goes way beyond BPD into something else. It is so cold and callous.
I am committed to the marriage, and have no intention of leaving.
Has anyone else had experience with an extended period of silent treatment? I am looking for specific advice on how to manage myself during these times. I do have a lot of support from friends, but also have a lot of children to take care of, so focusing on myself isn't always a practical thing for me... .

-LG

[Cat Familiar]

Hi AskingWhy,
How are you doing today?

Have you read this thread about the Silent Treatment? https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=68733.0

I hope you're doing something nice for yourself to keep up your spirits.   

Cat

[AskingWhy]

Hi AskingWhy,
How are you doing today?

Have you read this thread about the Silent Treatment? https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=68733.0

I hope you're doing something nice for yourself to keep up your spirits.   

Cat

Thank you for the link, Cat.  Some time ago, it was the silent treatment with my uBPD/uNPD H and now it's the emotional abuse and name-calling.

And, yes, Patricia Evans has a great non-clinical book on verbal abuse and abusive behavior.  Great reading. 

Wendy and LongGame, pwBPD find out which weapons are the most effective.  Now when my H name-calls, threatens divorce, makes character assassinations, etc.  I just ignore it.   They once devastated me, and now I just ignore them--just like a toddler having a tantrum.

[Woodchuck]

The silent treatment is a common weapon of choice for pwBPD and pw NPD.  It's their way of letting you know just how much you displeased them and how much they despise you when they devalue you.

The silent treatment affects us on an emotional level (before I understood the dynamics of BPD, I was reduced to begging for reconciliation and tears) but also the physical one.  Science has discovered this via brain scans.  This is probably why those of us abused by BPD partners fall into depression (both a mental and physical illness) from the frequent emotionally battering.

https://www.heysigmund.com/the-silent-treatment/

The silent treatment has been my spouses weapon of choice for quite some time.  It is very effective as I hate there being conflict and the longer it drags on the more anxiety I experience over it.  It is common for us to go for a week or two without speaking and there have been times where it has lasted for almost two months.  She claims that she is just doing what she has to do to survive and that she cannot do anything to change anything.  I have slowly been working on not trying to get her to talk.  It is very difficult.  I have expressed that it would be much easier if she would give me a time frame, any time frame at all for us to reconnect and try to discuss things but she refuses.  She will go from the ST to acting 'normal', asking me how my day was etc.  For me, this sudden change, without any resolution is very confusing and frustrating.  We have just spent several days or weeks not talking and now she acts like everything is fine.  I have resorted to not ever letting my guard down or acting like things are fine as I know that it will not last and is not really genuine.  I have no idea if this is the healthiest way to deal with it.  I don't know how to effectively deal with the ST.  Part of me feels like 'giving her a taste of her own medicine' but that seems counter productive.  Another part of me wants to just go along with acting like everything is fine but the few days or weeks that it lasts just feels like a setup for the next low. 

[Enabler]

ST to me is 'covert or deniable perpetrator', I just made that up on the fly and quite like it. The thing about ST is that there's plausible deniability of any abuse. One is not 'doing' anything, one is not 'saying' anything therefore there is always a deniability in the hurt you know (given the frustration you can see on someone else's face) you are inflicting. 9 months... .wow... .I suffered 2 months and barged in the spare room door (she was behind it) demanding she discuss her 'beef' with me. My level of frustration was off the charts and it literally drove me insane. She claimed abuse (which was technically fair given that I forced the door open and angrily asked to be communicated with) and got the validations she wanted. She denied she had done anything wrong... .I just didn't have anything to say.

We're now about 1 month into the current spell of silent treatment (communicates when kids and others are around) / passive aggressive behaviour in her pooping in the corner of her metaphorical cage exercise.

ST also works on Whatsap and emails. Whatsap is especially effective for her as it has the ticks which means she has received, I can see she's online but she avoids looking at my message for days... .especially if she knows it's important (to me).

There are many things that I can rationalise as unintentional by-products of BPD but ST is not one of them. It's almost a pure demonstration of the amount of effort someone will go to to hurt another person. The closest explanation I came up with was rumination and that they are preoccupied with themselves to talk to you... .but this falls apart when you ask them a direct question and they ignore you.