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Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits. Practicing lawyer, Senior Family Mediator, and former Licensed Clinical Social Worker with twelve years’ experience and an expert on navigating the Family Court process.
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Author Topic: False allegations, separation, and custody  (Read 2114 times)
BuckeyHusband

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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 23


« Reply #30 on: September 25, 2018, 08:24:33 PM »

Hello,
I believe I've come to a point with the Court Appointed Adviser. I'll meet with her Friday, and discuss all of the points but have to defer if she questions the current investigation. It sounds like it should hopefully get closed soon (since it's completely unfounded).

I would like help with a second point. CPS investigator reached out, and asked to meet. If I decline to speak he just asked I let him know. After speaking with my attorney he gave me two options, and didn't offer advice as to either.

1. Decline to speak
2. Offer to meet with him, with my attorney, at my attorney's office, at the attorney's availability

This doesn't really help much. If it is obviously baseless, and their interview of my son showed no abuse or my wife was coaching (which appears to be the case after speaking to my SIL) - then I feel like I should just decline and let them close it. At the same time. I would love the chance to tell them about my wife's verbal/physical violence, manic episodes, and psychological abuse - but if the inquiry will be just about me, then I don't see much up side.

I'm hoping for some help. Does anyone know how this works and have experience with false CPS investigations? Are you ever able to state evidence around the BPD?

Buckeye
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livednlearned
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Family other
Relationship status: Married
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« Reply #31 on: September 26, 2018, 06:31:46 AM »

One thing you could try to do -- see if there are manuals for how CPS works where you live, in your state. There may be a flow chart showing how a case is handled and what actions are taken (and why) to help you understand what the meeting is for, and what you are able to ask or do.

Also, saying to them "Before I decide whether to meet or not, I would like to know where my case stands with regard to the false allegation" seems like a fair thing to ask given what is at stake.
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Breathe.
ForeverDad
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Relationship status: separated 2005 then divorced
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You can't reason with the Voice of Unreason...


« Reply #32 on: September 26, 2018, 04:20:48 PM »

Except for the first brief phone interview when my ex and I separated and periodic calls I made to ask about status, I met with CPS just once in all the years of our conflict.  She had claimed I had been enraged at 5yo son and beat him on his shins.  (She was trying to make me look worse than her since her behaviors with pediatrician' staff had caused the doc to 'fire' her, that is, withdraw services.)  Turned out son told me, "Look at my bruises."  I think he did that because she had him at the hospital and was showing everyone his bruises.  I asked how it happened and he replied, "I don't remember. Maybe it was on the monkey bars while mommy and I were at a park."  But a few days before at the hospital he repeated her story.

Clearly he didn't know the ramifications of lies.  I got him an older Clifford the Big Red Dog book, T-Bone Tells the Truth.  He really liked it, he was only 5 but he learned from it.

First thing the two CPS reps said was, "We've already spoken with your son at school.  We wanted to speak with you before we close it."  I wanted to speak to them since I didn't want to leave any allegations unaddressed.  My reasoning was that if her input was unopposed, then I couldn't risk that and I ought to get my version on record.

It worked out well for me.  But the others are correct, speaking with CPS is a serious matter.  It's so easy for us laymen to say something we think is innocuous that could make us look bad.  That's what a lawyer can do, watch out for traps we may fall for.  Also, a general rule of thumb is to say the minimum possible.  Just yes or no if possible.  Talking too much may open up a hornet's nest of side issues and unintended consequences.
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BuckeyHusband

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« Reply #33 on: September 29, 2018, 12:21:08 AM »

Thanks everyone for the advice.

Well, I offered to meet the CPS investigator with the attorney, but he turned down that stating he'd also have to have an attorney. He then thanks me and said he's closing the case, and mailed me his report. Given the fact he's mailing the report I assume he was able to tell my son wasn't actually abused by me, and maybe even coached?

I also met with the Court Appointed Adviser today. She seemed really sympathetic throughout it. 2 hours of all of the issues, my past addiction stuff which I was really open about, but clear that I've had 2 years of sobriety. I know my wife will really harp on that stuff. She then asked for a full run down of our entire marriage. I had so many points to cover that I really left out a lot.

Was able to share that my SIL/BIL are aware of her issues, have cut off all contact with my wife and son, but she officially kept it off of the record. I also got to mention the fact my wife's family is in a cult (an official US government determined cult), and that her parents used to be in it - and it's caused a lot of issues. There are massive reports of child sex abuse from the cult, and maybe something happened to her... .

Example:
My wife's ex boyfriend of 8 years was sent to prison in 2016/17 for child pornography. Once she found out things got really weird.
Forgot to mention she had her miscarriage 2 months before the new allegations.
Forgot to mention she told me/SIL that she was molested as a child.

I can still send her more details. A LOT has happened this last week. CPS case is closed and will get those results, met with adviser, I'll finally be able to pickup my things after 3 months, got my supervised visit reports. Now I just need the police case to get closed and we can set a court date!

Thanks,
Buckeye
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BuckeyHusband

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« Reply #34 on: November 08, 2018, 01:06:05 AM »

Hello,
It has been a while since I checked in so I thought I'd give an update. Not much has happened till today.

I finally received the closed DCS report today. The notes weren't favorable of me, but all they had were my wife's word. I am a little disappointed because they did investigate a report I filed when she was manic and my wife and I first separated. I am still waiting on the police investigation to close, but on the DCS report it was listed as "inactive".

I've slowly been receiving medical records from my wife. So far she has been formally diagnosed with anxiety, postpartum depression, ADHD, multiple instances of PTSD, anorexia, panic attacks, and panic/manic episodes. We have one holdout that stated "it would be detrimental to my client's case to provide her records to opposing counsel without her consent". I'm hoping that it includes a formal BPD diagnosis, or perhaps shows the alleged childhood abuse she told her sister and I about.

I see my son 2 hours supervised each week. He is a trooper and always excited to see me. It is good to have a witness and notes. In all of her paperwork she keeps stating I'm neglectful, abusive, angry, etc. If you were to read her statements I must be a monster! Luckily we have 3rd person statements.

I kind of wish I had talked to DCS to show them videos of her manic and attacking me, but at the same time they gave the report to the investigator and I've been advised not to comment without more details or an attorney present (which DCS rejected).

My wife is still asking for sole custody and decision making, and in her statement I would never see my son again. It is just bizarre to see someone that was so close to me a few months ago turn so far against me. With the space and time I've really been able to separate myself and move on. I definitely have no desire to get back together with her.

I still want her to get therapy as our son deserves a healthy mother, but I really have no desire to continue to deal with her lies, distortion campaigns, abuse, manipulation, and control.

Well - I'm hoping the investigation closes soon. At that point I'll attempt another settlement. So far I've had to borrow heavily from my family and cash out all my retirement. My attorney said "nothing is easy with them, it all has to be on their terms".

It is kind of a slow burn. Nothing is happening, but I hope once the case closes it triggers an avalanche of changes. If I can ultimately get custody of my son, and not have to pay her support - I think she might have a break and her sister can get my estranged wife into treatment.

Well, thanks for your support.

Buckeye
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worriedStepmom
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« Reply #35 on: November 08, 2018, 08:14:09 AM »

Did child services make any recommendation as to whether you should have restricted or supervised visitation?  Or were you mostly cleared?

It certainly sounds promising that one of your ex's medical providers won't cooperate because it would look bad for her.  I hope that you can get those records... .or have some kind of full independent psychological analysis done of her.
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ForeverDad
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: separated 2005 then divorced
Posts: 18073


You can't reason with the Voice of Unreason...


« Reply #36 on: November 08, 2018, 05:24:23 PM »

I see my son 2 hours supervised each week. He is a trooper and always excited to see me. It is good to have a witness and notes... .

My wife is still asking for sole custody and decision making, and in her statement I would never see my son again... .

My ex too tried to declare me unfit to be a father.  My preschooler son too was always excited to see me, running to me and jumping into my arms.  Then when I'd return him he would be struggling to stay with me.  And of course she would glare at me and ask, "What did you do to him?"

Just a reminder about supervised visitation... .A court can easily order supervised visitation early in a case until the professionals report back about the allegations.  Often that's when the ex files an "ex parte" protection/restraining petition claiming substantive something and the court accepts the one-sided claim but only on a very temporary basis.  In most cases it is resolved in a few weeks, generally by the time both parents get called back to court.  At that time the professionals report back and you also get to defend yourself.

The typical consideration is whether the accused parent has been substantively abusive, neglectful or endangering.  Substantive means far more than a missed meal or something similar.

If the agency or evaluator doesn't have a sufficiently high concern about you then supervised should go away.  Period.  Now.  How long have you been limited to supervised contact?  If it's more than a few weeks then you need to get this corrected in court.  Doesn't matter what your ex claims, it's whether the professionals have considered you a realistic (substantive) danger to the children... .and that's a rather high bar which shouldn't be a problem for us Nice Guys and Nice Gals.
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ForeverDad
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Relationship status: separated 2005 then divorced
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You can't reason with the Voice of Unreason...


« Reply #37 on: November 08, 2018, 05:51:39 PM »

These are temporary orders following my petition for emergency custody. The full hearing is in October.

What happened at that full hearing?

Oh ya, she's also asking for ALL of my money. Literally. When you add alimony and the child support calculation, it is my entire income... .

She can ask for every cent and no one will stop her from seeking that, but doesn't mean she will get a penny more than the court calcs determine.  The court will ensure you have enough of your income left to live on.  As for demanding all assets and refusing all debts, often that's handled in negotiations near the end of the divorce, almost as an afterthought.  More or less it ought to be an equal split of assets and debts between the parents but you can guess how it can turn out, the squeaky wheel demands more grease.  Your task, when the time comes, is for you to  resist giving in to unreasonable demands.  (Okay, they'll all be unreasonable but you know what I mean, keep the unreasonableness within limits.)  If you say No and she perceives Maybe, then yes that's a concern that will enable and encourage her entitlement.

Generally the hardest challenge is getting decent custody and parenting time.  Those are real priorities, we can't let those slide until we get around to it.
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ForeverDad
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You can't reason with the Voice of Unreason...


« Reply #38 on: November 08, 2018, 06:01:33 PM »

So far she has been formally diagnosed with anxiety, postpartum depression, ADHD, multiple instances of PTSD, anorexia, panic attacks, and panic/manic episodes. We have one holdout that stated "it would be detrimental to my client's case to provide her records to opposing counsel without her consent".

Many professionals are reluctant to share their records.  Partly it's the HIPAA privacy requirements.  Partly too they don't want their patient or former patient to get enraged and sue them or make a complaint to a medical oversight board.  What has generally worked for us is that during the divorce many of us have had in-depth Custody Evaluations of the entire family dynamic.  During that time the evaluator can generally get sufficient information from the other professionals that court often can't get.  Of course, you have to have an experienced and proactive CE to get good results.  We've noticed that a good evaluator can make a solid case while a lousy one can virtually sabotage it.
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needPeace
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« Reply #39 on: November 13, 2018, 01:43:48 AM »

I just want to say thank you to all  - reading through this thread and all the replies have really helped me.

I, too, am facing false accusations of abuse (but from a teenager) by a child who has been turned against one parent by the other one. 

I found a copy of jujitsu parenting online - pdf version.  You can read it here: 

www.drcachildress.org/asp/admin/getFile.asp?RID=63&TID=6&FN=pdf
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Stronger, Better, Smarter
Harri
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« Reply #40 on: March 16, 2019, 12:54:17 AM »

Staff only

This thread reached the post limit and has been split and locked.

Part 2 is here:  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=334925.0
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