Triggers, trauma, & marriage counseling

[Woolspinner2000]

This is a very long post-sorry.

My topic is really about my marriage, and while I contemplated posting on Conflicted or Detaching, the more I've weighed the options, I feel it belongs right here on PSI. We are a unique group, us adult children with a BPD parent. I have the weight of having had a uBPDm and then the added weight of a disordered/dysfunctional spouse. He's never been diagnosed with anything but depression, but something isn't right. I see so much of my uBPDm in him.

We finally began marriage counseling a couple weeks ago. We've gone once as a couple and once each individually. We have another couple's session this Tuesday. The T is good. He is smart, smarter than DH by far, which is necessary imho because the T won't be intimidated by DH. He is balanced in his approach which is also absolutely necessary for DH to not quit and say I'm favored, and perhaps most importantly, the T is male. DH has little respect for the female gender, but he will tell you he believes quite differently. I know because I see the life lived before me, how I'm treated as a female, and the myriad of words he has said and continues to say over the years to degrade women. I'm sorry, but one or two sentences of 'niceness' about women every once in a while does not give credibility to the beliefs he claims to have. Our actions talk more loudly than our words.

I feel as if I've gathered up all the wisdom, validation, growth, healing, courage and confidence I've gained over the last 7 years of individual T and placed it firmly within myself to now go forward and face this major foe: my unhealthy marriage relationship. Before now, I have not felt strong enough to confront the N traits that live in my husband. He is formidable, passive aggressive, and as he says, "I grew up having to be right." No winning against that, and what would winning prove anyway? Nothing really.

Believe it or not, all of my past ties into this current time of marriage T. The extra intensity that is focused within those walls of the little room where we sit,  then the hours and days in between sessions has brought up all the stuff that was the foundation of my childhood. I battle what I know to be truth now and try to remember it, while at the same time falling into the mindset of my little inner children who believe the truth of their past, that fear is the truest component of all to be seen. They fear what they remember (which comes back in living color memories in my mind) of the DV of my dad towards my uBPDm, or my uBPDm's verbal and emotional violence against my dad. Was she physically violent towards him? I do not know, but she certainly was towards us kids and my dad was physically abusive to us as well. So I have these memories popping up when DH and I have the tiniest of conflicts that are really just disagreements and not fights. To DH though, they are fights because his FOO had no conflict whatsoever. Compare that with my FOO conflict, and he has no clue what fighting is all about. I'm attempting to be healthy in my disagreement, and I know I am. I've gone from a place of 'must-avoid-conflict-at-all-costs' to 'some expression of feelings is okay.' DH wants zero conflict. He doesn't like the manner in which I express myself. Firm and sometimes intense is not throwing things and raging and screaming like my parents did.

The triggers to the past are tough to deal with right now, and I find my body is in an almost constant state of hyper alertness. I am learning that especially now I must limit contact with DH because my reactivity is so on edge. All those parallels to my mom. After my parents would rage against one another, then mom would come after us.

Last night I lay in bed just trying to go back in time to see what I was feeling during those fights. It was great fear and aloneness, from the age of 5ish on.  My brother and I wanted to hide and make it stop, only to be roused with a rush when uBPDm would burst into my bedroom in the middle of the night and say, "Pack you suitcase, we're leaving." She'd drive around in the blackness of night on the country roads with no place in mind, crying and furious while we sat hushed and afraid, never knowing if we'd go back or not. We always did. It was a common occurrance that happened a lot.

In some ways I feel as if this present time is also connected to my past so that I can heal from the things I've not yet dealt with from my childhood, from what I saw in my parent's marriage. Dealing with the messages I absorbed is one thing; dealing with what I saw and experienced is another.

I go forward knowing that I must, because I have chosen to no longer live in a marriage filled with dysfunction. It's like in my personal life when I reached that same crossroads as those of us here, knowing we had to begin to heal from the wounding. I don't think DH is capable of meeting anyone's emotional needs due to the damage from his own childhood, and I need an emotionally safe place. I can however, set up boundaries that can help me to stay safe and be safe. Isn't that what we need to do with our pwBPD as well? "Radical accepatance" as The Board Parrot says. I'm seeing the need to radically accept the situation and therein remain healthy for me. If DH is not able to contribute to that safety but rather contributes to my being and feeling unhealthy, theat's where my fences need to be established and remain firm. I guess I'm digging the post holes to put that fence firmly in place. 

Thanks for listening.
Wools

[Harri]

Hi Wools.  I am so proud of you and inspired by your courage.  It has been a privilege to be able to watch you grow over the years.  I know the struggle is not over but boy are you shining bright.    It may not feel like it, but I can see it.  

I am here if you need me... .oh hell, I am here even if you don't need me  

EDIT:  keep posting.  We can work through those triggers. 

[Learning2Thrive]

…I am here if you need me... .oh hell, I am here even if you don't need me  

EDIT:  keep posting.  We can work through those triggers. 

Wools, what Harri said. I’m here for you too. You got this thing and you are moving forward.  

  L2T

[Panda39]

Hi Wools,

I'm glad to hear you are going to take the relationship with your husband on.  You have been sharing some issues here for awhile now.  It isn't easy to do this stuff but you are facing it... .brave llama!

I can hear your self-awareness... .wise mind... .that's good and will be helpful and so is a "smart" Therapist.

I'm with the others and here for you too.



Panda39

[Woolspinner2000]

Lol Panda! You're as bad as The Parrot! Good to bring a sense of humor to a heavy subject. Thanks.

Harri, I'm glad you're there no matter what.  

L2T, you are an awesome encouraging voice on these boards.   Keep it up.

I'll let you all know how session goes. Hopefully I won't be triggered so that I can post soon after. Last time was when I got that horrible migraine that lasted for 4 days-worst ever and like what I had as a child. I think I'm more centered... .at least for this moment.

Keep calm... .keep calm... .Practicing my llama deep breathing.

 
Wools

[Turkish]

On all of your years of marriage,  did your husband ever know about what you went through? Was it ever safe to share?

Everyone deserves to be safe.  Llamas deserve to be safe  

I'll love up my little girl even more,  and hey brother also. I think I knew it,  but coming here I realized how critical it is to show love so that our children feel safe.

[Notwendy]

Hi Wools, your post resonated with me. I think it is great that you two have found a therapist that your H at least agrees to see and seems to have the upper hand with him. I had the same issue with my H walking out of a marital therapy session because he thought the two of us were ganging up on him. We also later found a wise MC who was female. In my H's case a male would not have worked as well. His FOO issues involved his father and there is no way he would open up to a male ( if he opened up at all). Our MC was able to form a good therapeutic bond with him.

I would not rush to have your T  "label" your H. Our MC labeled me. ( co-dependent). There were times I felt she was ganging up on me and let my H off the hook which I think he enjoyed- me having the problem not him. I was angry about this at times, until I realized it was working. With him off the hook, and liking the T, she was able to work with him some later on his triggers and responses- with no label. Had she done this another way, he would probably have quit. It didn't seem fair that I had to work more than he did on my own triggers but the work was worth it. I think she knew who would be more motivated to do this kind of work because of our FOO issues. Mine was full of conflict. His had zero conflict ( it was there but handled covertly). So he assumed there were no issues in his FOO and I was aware of mine.

The work isn't easy but it is worth it. I encourage you to continue. I can't remember how much time it took  but one day my BPD mother was saying some triggering things to me on the phone, and I realized I didn't feel triggered. I didn't even feel any agitation or upset when she said them. It was amazing. Then, my H didn't trigger me as much either, I became less emotionally hurt and reactive to him and the conflict in our marriage began to get less. This wasn't instant it took time but I noticed it. I also felt better about my ability to handle hurtful comments.

I read a book- Passionate Marriage- and despite the steamy title and contents, it deals into marital issues. One line stood out to me. The book uses the term "differentiation" for emotional maturity and good boundaries. It says " We tend to choose partners who match our level of differentiation" and then- the very revealing next line " and each partner thinks he or she is more differentiated than their partner". It also discusses how our FOO affects our differentiation.

That was an eye opener. I matched my H. And he thought he was the more stable one too. But is FOO didn't have a raging BPD mother, so how could it match mine? And my H thought his was perfectly normal? But lack of conflict and over the top conflict both lead to poor abilities to handle conflict. His Dad had a temper but one hardly saw it because his co-dependent mother managed it. I found the match- my father was codependent and I was too.

Like you, I was done with dysfunction and knew that the answer to that was with me. Although I wished my H would deal with his own issues and FOO issues, realistically that was not going to happen. Fortunately, my H is not like my mother in many ways, and it was a mystery to me that some things he did made me feel as if I was with my mother. We both brought our own stuff into the marriage and surely my own co-dependent tendencies would match someone with whom to be co-dependent with. Some similar patterns between my parents were in my marriage too. I also read that, even if the marriage doesn't last, if we don't work on our own stuff- we are likely to attract someone with whom we have similar dysfunction. What was the point of breaking this off only to end up in the same situation? The answer still came down to working on me, for my own better growth-  no matter what happened with the relationship. It isn't without it's issues, probably every relationship has some, but it is more manageable now.

Hang in there Wools!  

[Learning2Thrive]

On all of your years of marriage,  did your husband ever know about what you went through? Was it ever safe to share?

Everyone deserves to be safe.  Llamas deserve to be safe  

I'll love up my little girl even more,  and hey brother also. I think I knew it,  but coming here I realized how critical it is to show love so that our children feel safe.

Yes, Wools, Llamas deserve to be safe.     

Turkish, you are such an awesome wolf pack papa.

Notwendy, thank you for sharing this!

I read a book- Passionate Marriage- and despite the steamy title and contents, it deals into marital issues. One line stood out to me. The book uses the term "differentiation" for emotional maturity and good boundaries. It says " We tend to choose partners who match our level of differentiation" and then- the very revealing next line " and each partner thinks he or she is more differentiated than their partner". It also discusses how our FOO affects our differentiation.

I think you've given me access to a missing piece of my puzzle this morning. Mind. Blown. Thank you for this, more exploration to do... .

I look forward to whatever you’ve able to share whenever you’re able to share it, Wools. I suffered with migraines in my youth and young adult years and understand how disabling they can be. Please be extra kind, loving and compassionate to yourself today—and every day. You are absolutely worthy.

  L2T

[Woolspinner2000]

Turkish, to answer your question, no,I've not felt safe to share with DH. DH knew that I had some stuff going on with my uBPDm and that it would affect my self image. He never had a clue how bad it was until I told him a few things in the past few years. I typically chose carefully what I shared (or it would just slip out too sometimes when I had a memory that I needed to tell someone or a nightmare that I woke from). Yet I've not shared a lot because when I would, he would then either turn and validate my mom but definitely not me, or when I thought he understood, then he made it about himself and talked about how he had been treated in a certain way or felt a certain way too so that even those times were not validating but all about him. I had to save my validation needs for T session or with my few closest people who were supportive of me as I heal. Plus there is this place here with my online family who also validates and love llamas. 

NotWendy, thank you for sharing your story. We've lived a pretty parrallel journey it seems. I appreciate the bit of hope that I was able to glean from your words. Interestingly enough, this T shared an article about differentiation with me when I met with him individually earlier this year, before I was ready to start MC. I had never heard about it and was fascinated. Last week when I met with him individually, he brought back up the idea of differentiation again and said it is key in his opinion. So I shall pull that article back up once again. Might be a good thread topic too sometime.

L2T if you've gotten some helpful clues from this topic already, then it's all worth it. 

Tomorrow afternoon is session #2... .
My Little Wools who is 5 to 7 years old, she's the one who is afraid and keeps hearing mom and dad fighting. DH and I don't fight at all like that. It's quiet disagreement. Yet my Little Wools, she cannot see anything but what she knew and knows from those years. Maybe I will get more understanding as we move forward.

Wools

[Notwendy]

We used to have some big fights but I was concerned it was scaring the kids, so I entered into a years long stretch of walking on eggshells and appeasing to keep things quieter. That was not the right thing to do as I learned later when dealing with my own co-dependency, but I was worried about my kids experiencing the kind of fights I witnessed as a child with my parents.

They picked up on it anyway. They are older now and have told me. They can see where their father and I are compatible in some ways, but also recognize we are different people and have arranged our marriage to the point of cooperation even though we may not be on the same page about everything. My H adores them and has a good relationship with them. Thankfully, our issues have been mainly between us and he is a good father to them.

I would feel it is triangulation to discuss his part of things with the kids, but I am open about mine. They know I get help for co-dependency. They understand what BPD is and are able to have boundaries with my mother. One of the issues in my FOO was the secrecy and pretending all is normal. I don't think it is a good idea to go into details with children, but they are old enough to know that there have been issues in my FOO, and that their father and I went to counseling. What I want to role model for them is that- we may have grown up a certain way- but we can get help and work on ourselves. I also want them to have good boundaries and I reinforce them.

[zachira]

I admire how you are leaving no stone unturned in your healing. Thank you for posting on this Board about your MC, and setting an example in having the courage to face how the wounds of the past and present are interconnected, which is a long and painful process.

[Harri]

Hey Wools.  I've been thinking of you off an on all day (I am writing this at 1am on Wednesday but i mean on tuesday!)  

Differentiation is what we once talked about with boundaries and helps explain how i think of where I begin and end in terms of other people, especially my mom.  It helped me to separate from her emotionally.

Read this on Family Systems theory by Bowen.  He talks of 8 concepts, one of them being differentiation.  He also talks about triangulation https://thebowencenter.org/theory/eight-concepts/

And then this thread here has some interesting stuff. https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=208665.0

There is another thread I was thinking of but can't locate right now.  I will keep looking.

[Learning2Thrive]

Hi Wools, I just want you to know you’re being thought of very kindly this morning. I so admire your courage and pursuit of healing. You are smart, strong and brave.

I hope you’ll do something extra wonderful for yourself today. You are so worthy of amazing love, joy and peace in your life.

  L2T

[Woolspinner2000]

Thank you to all for the kind thoughts sent my llama way. 

I was quite anxious before session but no headache so that's a victory.  I also happened to have my own individual session yesterday morning which was very helpful. The main topic was about my Little Wools, my 5 year old inner child who is so stuck remembering the fights right now (which I know I touched on earlier). 

My T asked an interesting question. He wondered what my 5 year old self was hearing when her parents were fighting and where was she? I said I was hearing the fighting and was usually upstairs in my room or standing in the doorway to my room. He asked if I was hiding, and you know how you have that sudden knowing that comes? I was hiding, and funny how this week, in the present, I went to bed one night and pulled the sheet up over my head and ear as I often do, the other ear buried in my pillow. I did this so I could drown out the night noises of the fights from my childhood. I even heard myself say in my head, "I can hide now." How interesting are those subconscious thoughts which sometimes we can pull out and grab hold of.

What I was hearing besides the fighting was... .I was alone, intimidated, afraid, and that it would never end, that no one cared. Those were the silent voices heard only by my heart, and I believed them. How permeating they were, to the depths of who I was, but those words no longer need to define me now. It was so helpful to begin to see what I couldn't before, yet I knew there was much more happening and there was a reason why I couldn't let go of it. A good example of how T can be so helpful.

I think I'll end with that for tonight and try to pick up about MC tomorrow.

 
Wools

[Learning2Thrive]

What I was hearing besides the fighting was... .I was alone, intimidated, afraid, and that it would never end, that no one cared. Those were the silent voices heard only by my heart, and I believed them. How permeating they were, to the depths of who I was, but those words no longer need to define me now.

 That must have been so scary for little Wools. I understand why your voices were silent except for your own heart. What a strong little girl you were to endure that time.

It is so good that you are peeling back the layers to get to this level of healing. Thank for sharing this, you are helping me recognize some things too. Sending you much love and gentle hugs, sweet Llama.

  L2T

[Kwamina]

Thank you to all for the kind thoughts sent my llama way.  

What I was hearing besides the fighting was... .I was alone, intimidated, afraid, and that it would never end, that no one cared. Those were the silent voices heard only by my heart, and I believed them. How permeating they were, to the depths of who I was, but those words no longer need to define me now.

Indeed for as Pete Walker says in childhood, fear and abandonment felt endless - a safer future was unimaginable. Fortunately now in your adult life you can work on creating a safer environment, even when that environment contains a difficult spouse because now you are in an adult body with allies, skills and resources to protect you that you never had as a child.

Take care

The Board Parrot

[Harri]

but those words no longer need to define me now.

Yes.     My friend, you are love and cared for.   



Plus, I mean, the Parrot gave you an origami llama!   Now that is love!

[Woolspinner2000]

The origami llama is way cool!  Thanks Kwamina!

I'm super sad tonight. My discovery after work is that DH has been transferring $ out of the business account where he puts the money he earns from his part time job, and he's putting it into that little building that he has put so much money and time into chasing a risky investment. In the last 2 months he moved $3k. This account is the one that we have used for years to support us. It's the only source of income he has besides his small SS. He never told me about what he was doing. When I asked him he said he never thought about it.

I guess I had beliefs that it was how it had always been, and I had expectations. Maybe I was wrong to have them the way they always were.

I kept hoping he'd contribute some to the home bills. I'm struggling to get us by. Last month he put in something like $60 to home and said he was helping a little. And moving $3k?

My emotions are pretty much all I can see at the moment, yet I know whatever I feel is okay because they're just feelings, and it's how we see the world. I'm not trying to talk myself out of them. I'm just a very sad llama at the moment. 

Like in childhood I think this will never end. But there are options. May be time to split our income and financial responsibilities. Many sighs and a heavy heart.

Wools

[Harri]

 

I am sorry to hear this.  It must be incredibly frustrating to be working two jobs and so many hours to support you only to see him shifting money away without telling you.

I think you are wise to just sit with your emotions.  Just Be.

[Learning2Thrive]

My emotions are pretty much all I can see at the moment, yet I know whatever I feel is okay because they're just feelings, and it's how we see the world. I'm not trying to talk myself out of them. I'm just a very sad llama at the moment. 

Like in childhood I think this will never end. But there are options. May be time to split our income and financial responsibilities. Many sighs and a heavy heart.

Oh Wools  . I am so sorry. I understand. I too have felt that glimmer of hope only to have it squashed over and over, just like in childhood. And there is a very specific pain that goes with it, isn’t there?

My heart is heavy for you. Please accept my sad puppy paw placed gently on your sweet llama shoulder. You are not alone. 

  L2T

[Woolspinner2000]

Harri and L2T, Thank you. 

I'm better today, less sad. I went to our grandson's 5 year old birthday party yesterday and was 'reset' emotionally. I determined that nothing was going to take away from that joy.

The drive down was quiet. I had already planned that if DH wanted to talk on the 2 1/2 hr drive that I didn't want to be captive in the car as I was so often with my mom. I planned ahead and took along an audio book for us to listen to. That covered much of the drive. It's so important that I keep myself and my inner children safe to where I can walk away as needed to escape. Being in the car together doesn't allow that so well.

I wanted to talk about our MC session and let you know how that went. The T opened by asking us if we had any particular issues to discuss since last time, and I think we each brought up something. DH said he was ready with a paper he had written, and he pulled it out of his pocket, but the T kept us moving and thankfully didn't go there. DH sat with his eyes closed, slouched for much of session. The T asked at one point if he were with us.

He gave us a handout about conflict resolution and had us begin to work on it. We had a conflict come up during the previous week which worked as a perfect segue into what he wanted us to do. It was a typical conflict with the same merry go round way of working on it. We certainly got off the merry go round with this approach though. It is an approach based on the Gottman Institute of marriage. Has anyone ever heard of it?

We expressed how we felt, and he strongly encouraged us to not take on the other person's feelings but to be aware of our own. I realized after session that I had a moment when my own heart began dropping into grief as DH said what he was feeling, but then I let it go. For once I didn't hold myself responsible for how someone else felt as if I were to blame.  I cannot emphasize how powerful that is for me. When I first began my own T years ago, I couldn't separate how I was NOT responsible for how everyone felt, because I assumed it was something I had done that caused them to feel the way they did. We each have to own our own feelings.

I was overall encouraged by learning a different way to approach the resolution or discussion after a time of conflict. I suppose we'll need to tackle this most recent episode that way too. What he showed us in MC is one step. There is no instant fix.

I noticed that I fell into a typical behavior pattern afterwards though. My response over the years with conflict (and learned so well growing up too) is that once the pressure lifts from the intensity of my uBPDm coming at me, for example, I go about my day/life as if nothing had ever happened and as if all were well again. It's really a false illusion though, one in which I feel temporarily safe and don't want to know the truth that I really am not safe. I've just managed to take the bomb apart before it explodes. Then I assume safety when there are landmines all around me. Does that make any sense?

How does that apply to MC? One session and hope was instilled in me. Has my reality changed? No. DH still needs to own his stuff, I still need to keep learning what healthy boundaries are and putting them in place. I don't think it's wrong to have hope, yet I also need to be cautious that it's not false hope. If I learn skills to help me in my life, then that's good.

I don't know if I'm expressing myself well. I only see that I was ready to cover it all up and happily move on but nothing is resolved. That is what concerned me because that is a pattern that I think I need to explore. I don't want to hold bitterness against DH, but neither do I see it as healthy to just blindly go on. I am pretty sure my reaction's foundation has to do with my FOO, and how often we've mentioned that our pwBPD would go on as if nothing had had ever happened. I guess it has to do with my conflict resolution style. For me maybe the conflict is resolved when the pressure is temporarily lifted. This is new ground for me to explore.

Wools

[Kwamina]

I've just managed to take the bomb apart before it explodes. Then I assume safety when there are landmines all around me. Does that make any sense?

Yeah that makes sense to my parrot senses, I can totally relate to feeling like you're living in a warzone and also becoming desensitized to it. A win is still a win though, and managing to take a bomb apart before it explodes I would definitely categorize as a win. Does not mean that you have or are going to win the championship yet, but it's still a win and each championship consists of several little wins together. Just take it one win, one day and one step at a time

I don't think it's wrong to have hope, yet I also need to be cautious that it's not false hope. If I learn skills to help me in my life, then that's good.

I also don't think it's wrong to have hope for “Hope” is the thing with feathers - That perches in the soul - And sings the tune without the words - And never stops - at all. It could very well be that Emiliy Dickinson also had one or two parrots As long as the hope is based in reality, there is nothing wrong with having hope. Sometimes hope is all we have, so we definitely gotta hold on to that thing with feathers then.

I don't know if I'm expressing myself well. I only see that I was ready to cover it all up and happily move on but nothing is resolved. That is what concerned me because that is a pattern that I think I need to explore. I don't want to hold bitterness against DH, but neither do I see it as healthy to just blindly go on. I am pretty sure my reaction's foundation has to do with my FOO, and how often we've mentioned that our pwBPD would go on as if nothing had had ever happened. I guess it has to do with my conflict resolution style. For me maybe the conflict is resolved when the pressure is temporarily lifted. This is new ground for me to explore.

This sounds like an old coping mechanism you indeed might have developed growing up in your FOO. Can you envision other ways of coping with these kinds of situations?

What is it you feel you are covering up and what would happen do you think if you would not cover it up? Would you be able to sit with and through those thoughts and feelings?

[zachira]

I admire all the hard work you are doing in MC with your husband. I hear your heartbreak and frustrations. You talk about once the pressure lifts, you go on as if nothing has happened. A way to prevent the feelings from piling up and ignoring them is to spend around 45 minutes a day being quietly present noticing your feelings and letting them come and go. The key is to do this practice every single day. This is one of the main things I did to overcome my family crisis which started my posting on this site. Kristen Neff and Jon Cabot Zinn have written a great deal about practicing daily mindfulness. I find that being raised by a mother with BPD taught me to ignore my own feelings and spend my days in fantasy instead of being present in the moment. You talk about not wanting to be bitter, and I really believe you will not be at some point, as you are blessed with a capacity to face the unimaginable and have tremendous compassion for others. I am learning from your posts to other members on this site how to be more compassionate and to meet people where they are in the present moment. I am thinking you will come out happier and healthier by doing MC as you have with all the challenges you have faced by growing up with a mother with BPD.

[Harri]

Hi Woolite!  Happy 5th to your grandson!  What a fun age.
 

For once I didn't hold myself responsible for how someone else felt as if I were to blame.

    This is fantastic Wools.  Differentiation!   

DH said he was ready with a paper he had written, and he pulled it out of his pocket, but the T kept us moving and thankfully didn't go there. DH sat with his eyes closed, slouched for much of session. The T asked at one point if he were with us.

I am curious why the T did not let your husband speak.  Does he typically monopolize or something? 

Retreating into the land of everything is okay sounds very familiar.    Of course I felt safe even with land mines all around... as long as I didn't trigger one we were good   I got used to dealing with the explosions because I could not diffuse them or avoid them.  My feeling was always one of relief... .no one died, not knowing there are worse things than physical death or harm.   I could breathe.  I think the release of pressure you describe applies to or fits in here as well.  Let's poke this around a bit!

I think you having hope is good.  However this plays out with your husband, you have reason to have hope for you and your future.   As kwamina says, feathery things are good!    

[Harri]

Is this what your T used for conflict resolution with your husband?

https://www.gottman.com/blog/manage-conflict-the-six-skills/

[Woolspinner2000]

Harri,

Closer to this although that link was excellent!

https://www.gottman.com/blog/manage-conflict-the-aftermath-of-a-fight/

I think some of what I read on the site may be revised from what the MC shared with us. Both links are very good.  Thank you!

I didn't mean to indicate that DH wasn't allowed to speak up. He chose not to. The MC tried to draw him in but until we got to the handout to work on, he really struggled to interact. He was not tracking well, and it wasn't because of the MC but rather the questions, I think. The paper which DH pulled out of his pocket was most likely the summary of all his thoughts about me since we'd last met. DH doesn't always process well. It can take him 3 to 5 days to formulate his response and by then he's mulled over it enough that no argument works well against him. That's why he writes it down. I had the idea that the MC wanted to hear the summary from DH which he did, but he didn't let DH derail the session and take us down an unproductive rabbit trail.

I think you having hope is good.  However this plays out with your husband, you have reason to have hope for you and your future.

I hadn't really thought about it that way. That's an encouragement. 

   I think the release of pressure you describe applies to or fits in here as well.  Let's poke this around a bit!

Definitely.  I think it's a good subject for here as well as with my T this week.

Zachira,

A way to prevent the feelings from piling up and ignoring them is to spend around 45 minutes a day being quietly present noticing your feelings and letting them come and go. The key is to do this practice every single day

.

Do you think that is why journaling is helpful to me where I write about my thoughts? Sometimes though,  I need to sit quiety and think. If I don't take a bit of time each day, things definitely build up inside of me.

You talk about not wanting to be bitter, and I really believe you will not be at some point, as you are blessed with a capacity to face the unimaginable and have tremendous compassion for others. I am learning from your posts to other members on this site how to be more compassionate and to meet people where they are in the present moment. I am thinking you will come out happier and healthier by doing MC as you have with all the challenges you have faced by growing up with a mother with BPD.

Thank you so much for your kind and hopeful words. They tell me that others see me differently than I usually see myself. So many of us here struggle with seeing ourselves in a positive way at all. As hard as this MC time is for me, the stretching and growing is good. Bitterness isn't a part of me so far, and I hope I can continue to avoid it.

Wools

[Learning2Thrive]

Quoting Harri:

I think you having hope is good.  However this plays out with your husband, you have reason to have hope for you and your future.

Definitely this!   You are smart and strong and loving. Direct it toward yourself and follow your path. I am on a similar path but not ready to talk about it yet. I suspect you would tell me to be as loving and compassionate with myself as I am with my husband. I am simply here to reflect your wisdom back to you sweet Llama. 

  L2T

[Woolspinner2000]

Kwamina,

So nice to hear from you my wise feathered friend! 

I like this:

A win is still a win though, and managing to take a bomb apart before it explodes I would definitely categorize as a win. Does not mean that you have or are going to win the championship yet, but it's still a win and each championship consists of several little wins together

It's good encouragement, thank you. We adult kids of BPD parents can be so hard on ourselves and forget to focus on the positive steps forward. Emily Dickinson would like that too.  Impressive that a parrot quotes poetry!   

What is it you feel you are covering up and what would happen do you think if you would not cover it up? Would you be able to sit with and through those thoughts and feelings?

I think part of what I'm covering up is the need to deal with the conflict at hand. I'd much rather live in a world of no conflict but that is a broken coping mechanism that doesn't work and isn't healthy. We didn't learn healthy when it came to conflict. My Littlest Wools is scared to death over the conflict with DH because the conflict says "uBPDm will come after me and be angry and hurt me!"  I suppose it would help me to recognize as Pete Walker has said that I've hit an emotional trigger that is a flashback to that parallel time when I felt the same as in the present. I feel as if I'm stuck in an emotional flooded place in time for now. I know it's a chance to deal with what I have not yet, but it feels like a free fall that is hard to stop. I haven't been here in a long while. It shows how far I've come that it's not very common anymore.

I try to remind her that she's not alone and not a little child anymore. My tool box is being used. Gonna take some time. I'm glad I am going to see my T soon. I had no idea that MC would trigger my Little One so much.

 
Wools

[JNChell]

Wools, this is the ultimate crux.

Dealing with the messages I absorbed is one thing; dealing with what I saw and experienced is another.

It’s destabilizing, isn’t it? It hinders our decision making and sense of self. It’s not fair. It’s utter confusion. The positive is that you recognize the conundrum. You see the conflict. This is important, and again, another fine line that is very important. It hurts. It should. If it didn’t, we would be the topics of the threads on this site.

How do you separate what you absorbed from what you saw/experienced? I believe that this another fine line. It’s painful, but necessary. They avoid pain at all costs, only creating it. Thank you for directing me to your thread.

[CollectedChaos]

Hi Wools!  I'm a latecomer to this post but wanted to say that I'm proud of you for facing all of this, and for pursing MC with your H.  It's no easy task, and you should be proud that you're facing things head-on.  I'm also so sorry about the $ issue with your H - I can't imagine how stressful and saddening that must feel for you.  I'm glad you're allowing yourself to feel it though - that's a big step in itself! 

This really struck a chord with me:

I noticed that I fell into a typical behavior pattern afterwards though. My response over the years with conflict (and learned so well growing up too) is that once the pressure lifts from the intensity of my uBPDm coming at me, for example, I go about my day/life as if nothing had ever happened and as if all were well again. It's really a false illusion though, one in which I feel temporarily safe and don't want to know the truth that I really am not safe. I've just managed to take the bomb apart before it explodes. Then I assume safety when there are landmines all around me. Does that make any sense?

I do this exact same thing.  After an argument or an uncomfortable situation, I put on a facade and pretend like things are fine.  It's as though I think that if I pretend long enough, the problem will go away and things will be okay.  I think I picked it up from my uBPD mom for sure.  If I tiptoed around her and pretended I was fine, she'd eventually move on... .for a little while, anyway.  So pretending I was safe would eventually make me "safe," even though I knew it was temporary I still was able to glean some comfort from it.  Confirmation bias at it's worst, for sure.  I didn't really realize I did this so blatantly until I was in MC with my H.  He was able to express that it made him more upset when we'd argue and then I'd pretend everything was fine and nothing had happened.  To him, it was invalidating - we had just gone through something and I was acting as though nothing had happened at all, like my memory was erased.  He saw it as childish - not feeling any negative repercussions from an issue and just being able to brush it off and forget.  In actuality, I hadn't forgotten, I was essentially just acting - but on the outside that is how it appeared.  It was really eye-opening to hear that from him and I've since tried really hard to be better about showing him my feelings and not putting on that mask as I am often so comfortable doing.  Seeing this small piece of the effects of 1 behavior made me see how often I put that mask on in my life.  I often have to remind myself that my little CC is safe and I am safe to express myself and feel whatever comes my way.

Please keep sharing your insights from MC, not only is it helpful to write out your feelings, it's helpful for us to read them and I appreciate your openness and insight.  Hugs to you, and to your little Wools