8 months and first visit to son’s place

[Lollypop]

 

Son27 turned up unexpectedly last night about 8pm. The three of us s were sat outside having a meal sharing our day in this glorious weather we’re having in the UK.

Son27 blurts out “can we help him find his phone as he set it to airplane mode”. I offered to help him look and he said for me to come on down after my meal. This was the first time is been kind of invited.

With a deep intake of breath, knowing looks between the three of us (h and son17), they wished me luck.

I arrived to find the expected high anxiety and pandemonium. He’d pulled the mattress off the bed and was clearly in a panic. I sat down in his bed and quietly proceeded to remove his jumbled clothes off a shelf and folded, putting the neat piles back. I kept my cool. He was adamant that the last time he used his phone was to look at the weather and he was in the bed. Xxxx had visited him that afternoon - a girl he sees occasionally.

We looked in the kitchen and bathroom of the house he rents a room in. I’m trying not to judge, let’s just say it’s relaxed and more like Uni digs than a family home. We looked again in his room.

On reflection, on a very positive note: it was cleaner than I anticipated. There wasn’t a smell of skunk.  It was untidy but in a sort of organised way. Lots of empty packets and wrappings.  Surfaces were really dirty, gritty. He’d vacced up. His bed was clean, as were his clothes that I folded as I helped search.

I offered to call the girl so he could ask her again. He told me that he didn’t know her number. I know this to be s lie because he’d said quite definitely xxxx agreed with him - he last used his phone on the bed. He must have called her from the landline.

I offered my phone for him to text his boss, because that was his immediate panic - he needed to know the plans for the following day.

He found his phone inside a boot.  

He announced “I’ve learnt my lesson, I only switched it to flight mode to avoid calls from xxxx. I’m never doing that again.”  Who’s xxxx? I ask.  That older woman.  I keep quiet digesting the information - the name was different to the one I knew about. So, there’s two older women, one younger girl plus a couple of others I think.  He bobs between them all.

As I left, he hugged me and thanked me for helping.  I turned then he hugged me again. I said “ok then, hope you have a good day in work tomorrow”.  He asked for a third hug, clearly grateful.

I feel guilty.

His living conditions are pretty vile.  He has it tough because his job is incredibly challenging.  His room still has stuff help belonging to the landlady’s ex husband and both her son’s.  Under his bed is full of their boxes. His room is not entirely his room.  But it’s not my problem.

Thanks for reading.  I’m venting. I’m trying to quell my urge to find him a better place to live. Trying so hard to delicately balance support while allowing him independence to make his own choices.

LP

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[heartandwhole]

Hi Lollypop,

I totally understand the impulse to do something about your son's living situation. In your shoes, I'd be thinking and feeling the exact same way. Good for you that you recognized the helping/rescuing instinct and breathed your way through it. 

Is your son comfortable where he is living right now?

I ask because I've found that what might be unacceptable and uncomfortable for me is often perfectly fine and comfortable for others.

You handled the situation so well, LP. You helped him without judging or trying to change anything (ok, so you folded a few clothes... .that's something every mother does, right?  ).

heartandwhole

[Lollypop]

Hi there H&W

Is your son comfortable where he is living right now?

I think it’s working out for him fairly well.  There’s been a few issues that he’s dealt with himself.

It’s the mother-hen in me.  And, of course, my childish view of fairness.  His landlady is overcharging and taking advantage of him - but this is his call.

I feel sad for his circumstances.  I feel guilty that we are now happier since accepting we can’t change him.  I hope this makes sense.

LP

[Yepanotherone]

No need for guilt Lp , you feel happier and that IS helping him , your acceptance that you  can’t change him ALSO helps him .

No more guilt xxx

[Lollypop]

Ah Yep

Wise words girl. 

Thanks

LP

[Daisy123]

Hello Lolipop,
You are so reflective and thoughtful. I was struck by your assessment of the circumstances, the mother hen - wanting to protect-but refraining, your kind, nonjudgmental manner in helping your son and the idea of fairness. So much to learn from this feed of posts.

I liked what someone said about how your happiness helps you son. Happiness is something you and your family deserves.

As my DD20s stay in RTC comes to an end, I’ve realized how happy both my husband and I have been. It’s brought us closer together.

I’ve begun to think about how I’ve literally have had to ‘save’ my dd from her suicide ideation. But that’s not the only way I’ve tried to help her change. I need to reflect some more about radical acceptance. I need to find a way to scaffold how I step back.

I’m so glad you are here, sharing your journey.

Daisy

[Lollypop]

Awh daisy

I remember us dreading the return of our son Home but he was in crisis. Your daughter returns on a much more positive note. I’m sure you both must be feeling nervous, as your daughter surely is too.  Gently forwards.

I know what you mean about being closer.  Having some physical space away from our son really helped us too. A bit like recharging the batteries.

I hope your daughter and you bothget some support to help with the transition. How long has she been at the Rtc?

LP

[Lollypop]

Hi there

I thought it’d be useful for me to provide an update.

Son27 turned up at home this evening and had a meal.  In passing conversation, he started to open up about upset he was at the weekend.  His oldest friend walked right passed his door without calling in.  This would be bad enough but the friend was with son’s ex-gf and they’ve had an acrimonious breakup.  Son feels she’s doing a character assassination on him and he feels his friend has chosen the ex above him. He’s tried to contact this friend for over 4 weeks but he always gives a reason why they can’t meet up.

So, the trigger for his dysregulation is relationship problems.

I felt important to post.  Not everything is as it always seems at first.

A lesson for me too.  If I hadn’t reacted calmly and supportively, maybe come across as judgmental about misplacing his phone I’d have sent him further in a spin. As it turns out, son opened up about how he was feeling and I was able to validate him.

LP

Ps.  Sigh, the dreadlocks are being grown back.

[wendydarling]

Hi there LP

I'm smiling LP, oh no, it had to be the boot! 

Just could not resist myself here LP 

He found his phone inside a boot.  

Feet in treacle... .it’s just downright sticky, we want to say “for goodness sakes, clean your shoes and get out of it”!

I wouldn’t be without my pretend big girly boots. At times when I know I’m weak, indecisive or a mess I put them on after a good cry. In my mind, they are outrageous, pink with tassels. It may sound silly but for me they help me. They help me kick past the troubles in my mind. I don’t have to think about everything all at once, my choice to have a less worrisome day.

And there is more, rising to 1k of posts  is too much to search through, thank goodness for BOOTS 

LP it's wonderful your son came to you and asked you to help him in his home when he was dysregulating, feeling bad, in panic about his phone, work... .It is a real sign of the trust and respect you have worked, fostered these last years with your son, your core relationship. He feels it, you LP, you understand his struggles, you are his safe touchstone, when in need.

As heartandwhole says what's comfortable for ours right now, may not be comfortable for us right now, that's ok. We listen, offer emotional support like your son asked of you. You've made the space to help him reach out to you LP and that is priceless.

WDx

[wendydarling]

We passed in our posts this eve, LP.

I've found it hard to understand the daily trigger/s there seem to be many for my DD and like your son is, she talks to me when it's right for her, and keeps others to herself too. This is a good conversation LP. I'm thinking.

WDx

[Huat]

Hi Lollypop .  I'm jumping in here to give you a pat on the back.  You handled that situation with your son so well.  Not easy... .but... .much less stress afterwards.

Besides this daughter I write about on this forum, we also have a son who is the definition of "passive aggressive."  We almost lost him to opioid addiction a few short years ago  but oh so thankful we caught him in time and he got into rehab... .still in the programme... .has had no relapses.  WooHoo!

With all that said, he is not out of the woods yet and really does very little to look after himself physically.  I prodded him and prodded him to look after his teeth... .even offering to pay for the dental bills.  He was always "getting to it"... .but in the end he lost all of them.  (We didn't pay for his dentures!)  His diet is pitiful and he is obese.  He does manage to work enough and pay for his essentials... .no more borrowing from us... .another "WooHoo!"

You darn right it is hard for a mother to back off and watch all this take place... .but I finally did... .well... .let's call it "a work-in-progress."  Now when he walks through the door I give him a hug and tell him that I love him... .bite my tongue if I get the urge to ask a question... .a question that would probably have an answer I didn't like.   I was smart enough as a young mother to let him fall at times so he could learn to pick himself up and start again.  Seems I tucked that wisdom away... .but I'm getting it back.

The card he got me this past Mothers' Day had on it... ."A good Mom teaches her son right from wrong.  A great Mom forgives him for screwing up anyway.  Lucky for me, you're one of the greats.  Happy Mother's Day, Mom, and thanks for everything."

Okay, okay!  Now I'm starting to blubber!  Gotta go and find a kleenex.

Huat   

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Lollypop]

Oh Huat

Thanks so very much for sharing.  My heart goes out to you and your wisdom shines through your love.  You’re so right - watching is the hardest part.  I’m relieved your son is working hard at dealing with his addiction, opioids are a bugger to kick.  It takes time to learn how to take better care of yourself - look at you now and how far you’ve come!

I love your posts Huat and learn so much from you. Your son is very lucky to have you - as well he knows!  A mother’s day card to treasure.

Hugs

LP  

Ps.  Gosh, the system let me swear! Lol