Memories—Flashback to 9th Grade

[Learning2Thrive]

So much unnecessary drama in my young life... .

In 1979, I found myself at a new High School in the mid-west USA for 9th grade. My parents were freshly divorced.

It was a struggle being a country kid and being thrust into this bigger school with kids who mostly had parents that were doctors and lawyers and such. It was so difficult and terrifying really... .but I was doing my best.

I remember one of the first home football games of the season. I had made friends with another girl who was also new at that school. She asked me to go to the game with her. We were just hanging out and walking around.  Then there was an announcement over the PA for me to go home — my mother had slashed her wrists and was taken to the Psychiatric Hospital. 

If I could talk to my 9th grade L2T, I would tell her it wasn’t her fault.

  L2T

[Woolspinner2000]

Oh L2T, 

That is definitely a traumatic memory!   Of all times to have that happen... .not that there is any appropriate time for such an event. When you think about it, what do you recall prompted her doing that?

I'm glad you had a new friend at that time, but to have your name announced over the loudspeaker would probably have been really embarrassing. Do you know you can actually tell your 9th grade self exactly what you want to tell her? It's a way of listening and relating to your 9th grade self in the way you wish you had been cared for. It is an amazing self care and will do wonders to heal you both.

 
Wools

[Learning2Thrive]

When you think about it, what do you recall prompted her doing that?

Hi Wools.

This is actually one of the least traumatic memories I have.   

As I recall, my younger sisters had been invited to a sleepover and that left my 8 y/o baby brother (golden child) at home, but he was out roaming the neighborhood because she was never really interested in being a mother and spending time with her kids. That was my job.

Anyway, I’m pretty sure this was the first night she was left home alone... .she usually worked nights. She was supposed to be wallpapering her bedroom. Somehow while she was alone she ended up slicing both her wrists with the wallpaper knife.

As far as I know she had never self harmed before. She preferred to do other things like slamming doors and car doors on our hands. That happened multiple times, even to her golden child when he was only about 2. Each time in the horrific hysteria, she would get this glimmer in her eyes and slight grin that you’d only notice if you were paying close attention.

Yes. I need to spend some more time talking to my 9th grade girl. Thanks for accepting me. It means so much.

   L2T

[Woolspinner2000]

L2T, before I sign off for tonight I just want you to know that yes, you are very cared for and loved.
 

We are family here, it's in our name, and you belong. We walk this walk together. As hard as it is, I'm glad you are processing this tough stuff. See #4 in the list on the side. I had to do it also-still am. I fully believe that we have to go back through some of the worst stuff to be able to help our little ones heal and thus heal ourselves.

Here with you. 
Wools

[Harri]

Hi L2.   

Thank you for sharing more of your story with us. 

If I could talk to my 9th grade L2T, I would tell her it wasn’t her fault.

Anyway, I’m pretty sure this was the first night she was left home alone... .she usually worked nights. She was supposed to be wallpapering her bedroom. Somehow while she was alone she ended up slicing both her wrists with the wallpaper knife.

So it was your job to take care of not just your siblings but your mother as well.  I am sure you know logically that it was not your fault but helping your younger self to know that and accept that is a whole different thing.  Do you know or remember who contacted the school after she cut herself?  Did she contact someone or did your little brother find her?  Not that it matters but sometimes putting all the pieces together makes it easier to process.  Sometimes writing out all the details helps.  I don't mean you have to do it here but you can if you want.  What do you think?

Have you been having memories pop up or is this something new?  If it is new what do you think is causing the memories to come up?

Again, I am glad you shared with us.  It does not change who you are to me it just helps me see you better.    And yes, you fit in here and you belong here.  We are richer through your sharing yourself with us.

 

[Turkish]

So you blamed yourself because you were trained to take care of her and you were out having a good time instead... .doing normal 9th grade things of course. 

[Learning2Thrive]

Quoting Harri:

Do you know or remember who contacted the school after she cut herself?  :)id she contact someone or did your little brother find her?  Not that it matters but sometimes putting all the pieces together makes it easier to process.  Sometimes writing out all the details helps.  I don't mean you have to do it here but you can if you want.  What do you think?

You know, as I was writing it out in my last post, those same questions occurred to me. I honestly don’t know how the contact was made... .there certainly weren’t cell phones back then, at least not ones being used by the general public.

I don’t think my brother found her. I think maybe she called 911 on herself and that the hospital called the school. Yes, clearly writing helps. I still get panicky about journaling about her behaviors... .learned early on that would be severely punished. But I am grown up and she’s thousands of miles away now, so I think I should start.

Have you been having memories pop up or is this something new?  If it is new what do you think is causing the memories to come up?

The memories have been popping up for a few years. Sometimes it’s triggered by something obvious. Sometimes it’s the weather or a song. Sometimes it just seems random.

I suspect the memories are coming stronger lately because I am finally focusing on healing me instead of trying to figure out what was wrong with her or what I should have done to help her be better... .or burying it and trying to forget. I guess because I finally believe I am worthy of my own time.

Thanks for the love. Yes, I feel like I am finding my family and that helps me find a little more courage.  

  L2T

[Learning2Thrive]

So you blamed yourself because you were trained to take care of her and you were out having a good time instead... .doing normal 9th grade things of course. 

Yes, I did, Turkish. I felt like I was responsible. They kept her in the Psych Ward for 2 days I think. I took care of the kids (2 younger sisters and my baby brothe) and the house and tried to keep them comforted that things would be ok. We had it drilled in to our heads that if anything happened to her (or if she decided to give us up because we were so horrible) that CPS would split us up abd we’d be placed with child molester foster homes.

My grandparents (her parents — who were afraid of her) checked in on us, but they lived about 15 miles away. They wouldn’t take us to stay with them for fear of what she would do.

  L2T

[Turkish]

This day,  here and now,  do you feel like you were responsible for your mother's choices?

[Harri]

I think maybe she called 911 on herself and that the hospital called the school.

What does this tell you?

I still get panicky about journaling about her behaviors... .learned early on that would be severely punished.

I can relate to this so much.  When I first started writing things down, I was so afraid she would find it even though she had no idea how to use a computer.  The fear was so deep from when I was a kid and wrote basically non-threatening stuff in my diary.  The rage and the black eyes.   So scary then and so sad now.

I suspect the memories are coming stronger lately because I am finally focusing on healing me instead of trying to figure out what was wrong with her or what I should have done to help her be better... .or burying it and trying to forget. I guess because I finally believe I am worthy of my own time.

Yes, you are worth it.  Reading this part made me smile from ear to ear!  

Reading that you had so much responsibility as such a young kid is so sad.  That your grandparents left you to take care of your siblings at such a scary time is even sadder.  You were so young to be alone.  They also abandoned and betrayed you.  What was your relationship with them like?  What about your siblings?  Are you in contact with them?

Thanks for the love. Yes, I feel like I am finding my family and that helps me find a little more courage.

You too have been assimilated!  We've got you.  You are safe here.

[Learning2Thrive]

This day,  here and now,  do you feel like you were responsible for your mother's choices?

As an adult, I no longer feel responsible for her choices. But you just gave me a piece of the puzzle!  

My 9th grade girl still really feels like she could have kept her mother safe if only she had stayed home that night. Oh dear.

Thanks Turkish  

[Turkish]

9th grade L2T might want to take 5 yo Wools for ice cream. Your inner children could compare notes 

So you were heavily parentified, cast in the adult (caretaker) role as a child. 

I know it isn't on the level of a suicide attempt, but when I was 12, my mom was driving is back from the valley to our homestead on the forest.  My mom told me to keep her awake as she drove us on dark and twisty roads home.  I tried singing, talking, but I was 12 so I fell asleep. I awoke to our Ford Pinto off the road into a large oak tree. The preponderance of brush caught the car.  My mom told it later that she awoke to me screaming. I don't remember myself screaming but I remember my mom blaming me for not keeping her awake.  Many people were killed on that same curve before and after.  Even then I remember thinking "how was that my job? I'm a kid."

[Notwendy]

That's a scary memory. The flashbacks are tough, but they allow you to process them and that is helpful.

I have a vague memory of what I thought were police in the house and a lot of commotion. I had completely forgotten about it but it also came as a flashback one day. I checked with a sibling and also a relative on my father's side and it was BPD mothers suicide attempt. I was too young to understand what happened, I just remember the commotion of authorities (EMS?)  in the home. We kids were sent off to stay with my Dad's relatives for a bit. When we came home, it was as if nothing had happened. My parents didn't mention it. My sibling has vivid, detailed memories of that time and I don't.

I was parentified and made to feel responsible for her feelings, but thankfully not a suicide attempt. Still there was the day to day "responsibility" for her moods that should not be imposed on a child. Once, at about age 14, she was driving us somewhere and she got angry at me and kicked me out of the car in the middle of the city and drove off. Fortunately I had some money for a pay phone and called a relative to pick me up. Nowadays, I am pretty sure someone would have called CPS on our families.

[Learning2Thrive]

That's a scary memory. The flashbacks are tough, but they allow you to process them and that is helpful.

Yes.

I have a vague memory of what I thought were police in the house and a lot of commotion. I had completely forgotten about it but it also came as a flashback one day. I checked with a sibling and also a relative on my father's side and it was BPD mothers suicide attempt. I was too young to understand what happened, I just remember the commotion of authorities (EMS?)  in the home. We kids were sent off to stay with my Dad's relatives for a bit. When we came home, it was as if nothing had happened. My parents didn't mention it. My sibling has vivid, detailed memories of that time and I don't.

Was the time with your Dad’s relatives memorable for you at all? In a healthy way?

I was parentified and made to feel responsible for her feelings, but thankfully not a suicide attempt. Still there was the day to day "responsibility" for her moods that should not be imposed on a child. Once, at about age 14, she was driving us somewhere and she got angry at me and kicked me out of the car in the middle of the city and drove off. Fortunately I had some money for a pay phone and called a relative to pick me up. Nowadays, I am pretty sure someone would have called CPS on our families.

I’m so sorry your mother abandoned you in the middle of the city when you were so young. You must have been terrified.

And you’re right. I do believe nowadays someone would call CPS. At least I hope they would.

I understand how you might have felt. I have 3 pretty major abandonment memories that occurred between ages 8 and 12. Two of them were perpetrated by my father (although my mother was actively complicit and looking back, she likely instgated it). The third and worst was perpetrated solely by my mother. When these memories come up, I typically gloss over the main points of the memories then stuff them right back down or bring out my adult, intellectual self to keep myself safe. I am not saying that I would hurt myself or others. For me, keep myself safe means not falling into a deep depression. I have become expert at caretaking and busyness which has given me some sense of value and kept me out of severe depression, but I think I am getting ready to delve a little deeper.

Thank you for sharing some of your story with me Notwendy. You’ve helped me more than you know.

  L2T

[Learning2Thrive]

Harri,

You’ve made some excellent observations and asked very important questions. I’m not avoiding the answers, at least I don’t think I am; but I do want to sit with it a bit longer before I reply because I think there’s some stuff there just outside my active memory.

  L2T

[Notwendy]

Thanks, it helps to know I helped.

I spent a lot of time with my father's FOO growing up. My mother disliked them and it was mutual, but they opened their homes and love to us kids when my father needed it. Staying with my father's FOO felt like a sanctuary from the chaos that my own home was with BPD mother. We were loved and cared for, and didn't have to feel fear there.

We had the chance to be kids, and even the chance to be normal mischievous kids at time. At home, we would be too afraid to do anything that might anger BPD mom and we walked on eggshells. With my father's FOO we could do silly things with our cousins and their parents might discipline us, but not the hateful raging we would get from mom. It was unconditional love. I attribute a lot of our resiliency to my father's FOO. It was a little patch of normal that was every day for our cousins. It felt like heaven on earth to us.

LT2- I hope you had a safe place at times.  I think a safe place makes a difference to children in dysfunctional homes, even for a little while.

[Learning2Thrive]

Regarding my comment: I think maybe she called 911 on herself and that the hospital called the school.

Harri asked:

What does this tell you?

Knowing my mother, she was doing everything within her power to maximize impact of drama and pain.

Quoting Harri:

Reading that you had so much responsibility as such a young kid is so sad.  That your grandparents left you to take care of your siblings at such a scary time is even sadder.  You were so young to be alone.  They also abandoned and betrayed you.  What was your relationship with them like?  What about your siblings?  Are you in contact with them?

I have a difficult time knowing how to respond when anyone expresses sympathy... .or compassion ... .or empathy... .or compliments.  I hear or read the the words and it’s as if they are meant for someone else. Who am I that anyone should notice or care?

My grandparents were the closest to normal, good people that my siblings and I had in our lives. They were kind and gentle, loving people. Quakers. When we were allowed to visit (when she wanted to be rid of one or more of us), it was our true refuge and safe place. To read your statement that they also abandoned and betrayed us was confusing and rather crushing at first. Stepping back and looking closer, I see it and agree. Though, I honestly think they didn’t intend to do so... .they were genuinely terrified of my mother. Times were so different then and treatment of mental illness... .all I can do is hang my head and cry over the unnecessary hurt and losses.

Siblings are a hard story. My baby sister (4 years younger) was killed in a car accident less than a month after marrying her Marine. She had just turned 20. I’m not ready to discuss my other siblings so I will let that rest for a while.

You too have been assimilated!  We've got you.  You are safe here.

Thank you. It feels good to be accepted to such a safe place for healing.

   L2T

[Harri]

   Thank you for coming back to this even though I touched on some very hard stuff.  I do apologize for that.  I had no idea but that does not make the punch to the gut hurt any less.  I am glad you shared your feelings and that you set limits.  Thank you.   

Knowing my mother, she was doing everything within her power to maximize impact of drama and pain.

I think you are right here.  I am so sorry you had this experience and I am sure many others that were similar in terms of her maximizing the drama and hurt.  I am so sorry she was unable to care for you in the way you deserved. 

I have a difficult time knowing how to respond when anyone expresses sympathy... .or compassion ... .or empathy... .or compliments.  I hear or read the the words and it’s as if they are meant for someone else. Who am I that anyone should notice or care?

I can relate to this feeling.  I can also assure you that my words were meant for you L2T and I can only wish I could find the words to make you see how precious and lovable and worthy you are.  You have value and you are worth so much more than what you got from you family. 

I am glad you had loving grandparents in your life.  I am sure they loved you.  Fear is a strong inhibitor for everyone and you are correct that back then, they did not know what we know now.  I missed that and I am sorry.  I was also thinking earlier today that back then it was very acceptable to have an older sibling take care of the others for longer periods of time.  So yes, "Times were so different then and treatment of mental illness... .all I can do is hang my head and cry over the unnecessary hurt and losses." 

I am sorry to hear about your baby sister L2T.  That is heart wrenching.  So much pain and loss. 

L2T, thank you for sharing with us.  We are listening and learning together and I could not ask for better company.   

[Notwendy]

So sorry to hear about your sister 


I think it did a world of good for relatives to offer a safe haven for us. I think they also were limited in doing that as they probably didn't know how to handle the BPD relative or the dynamics in the family. In my FOO, I don't think BPD was a known entity for many years and also their era didn't handle mental illness as openly as we do now. The internet wasn't available so they'd have no way of gaining information about BPD.

L2T, I think it is great that you had your grandparents and while they may not have come through for you entirely, it may have been the best they could have done in their circumstances.