I like two women at the same time

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I’ve been seeing someone since Aug of ‘17 we broke up early May but we agreed to remain FWB, she says that she did it because she didn’t want to see me hurt and I wanted to remain in a r/s with her in some capacity and I was hoping that we could get back together. A nice as I was to her she didn’t want to commit to even seeing each other one day a week.

Late May she said that I should look for someone else I was hurt because she wasn’t reciprocating I decided to renegotiate my end of the r/s sorry I started dating she only knows of one date because that date went beyond the first date. I didn’t think at the time to not share it but by sharing it she became jealous and possessive she said that she didn’t want to be in a r/s but she didn’t want anyone to have me either.

I don’t talk about the other girl now because she unravels - she’s fine I can tell that she’s trying to keep it together and by the next day she wants to break up but she can’t because she wants to stay with me. I broke up with her because she was pushing me away and what felt like a romantic r/s morphed into a friendship. She wanted to spent less time together and we had a lot less sex than before. So when I spoke of girl #2 it was like we went back to what we had in the beginning she’s really trying. She had her faults she can be very controlling and manipulating but she shines in other areas she’s not all bad.

I felt like I was going the  finally get some reprieve last week she said let’s not talk to each other and if by Friday morning you don’t get in touch with me then we’re done. A couple of hours later she messages me and says that she can’t be apart from me.

I haven’t slept with girl #2 I can’t sleep with both at the same time this next week I don’t have the kids so I won’t be able to spend time with either and i was hoping that by the next Friday i could make up my mind. I feel like it’s starting to get serious with girl #2.

[Mutt]

I’ve been seeing someone since Aug of ‘17 we broke up early May but we agreed to remain FWB, she says that she did it because she didn’t want to see me hurt and I wanted to remain in a r/s with her in some capacity and I was hoping that we could get back together. A nice as I was to her she didn’t want to commit to even seeing each other one day a week.

Late May she said that I should look for someone else I was hurt because she wasn’t reciprocating I decided to renegotiate my end of the r/s sorry I started dating she only knows of one date because that date went beyond the first date. I didn’t think at the time to not share it but by sharing it she became jealous and possessive she said that she didn’t want to be in a r/s but she didn’t want anyone to have me either.

I don’t talk about the other girl now because she unravels - she’s fine I can tell that she’s trying to keep it together and by the next day she wants to break up but she can’t because she wants to stay with me. I broke up with her because she was pushing me away and what felt like a romantic r/s morphed into a friendship. She wanted to spent less time together and we had a lot less sex than before. So when I spoke of girl #2 it was like we went back to what we had in the beginning she’s really trying. She had her faults she can be very controlling and manipulating but she shines in other areas she’s not all bad.

I felt like I was going the  finally get some reprieve last week she said let’s not talk to each other and if by Friday morning you don’t get in touch with me then we’re done. A couple of hours later she messages me and says that she can’t be apart from me.

I haven’t slept with girl #2 I can’t sleep with both at the same time this next week I don’t have the kids so I won’t be able to spend time with either and i was hoping that by the next Friday i could make up my mind. I feel like it’s starting to get serious with girl #2.

[pearlsw]

Hi Mutt,

Sounds like a good idea to set a personal deadline about which one to settle on and then go from there.

What is the the woman you haven't slept with like? What do you like about her? Is she the one you are more likely to choose if you had to choose just one?

wishing you lots of love, pearl.

[Mutt]

What is the the woman you haven't slept with like? What do you like about her? Is she the one you are more likely to choose if you had to choose just one?

Things are simple with her she's not high maintenance like the other one - I like that. I don't feel FOG with her I do with the other one a lot of G in FOG. She is the one that I would more likely choose I feel like I need to take the plunge because I might regret it if I don't. You lose one thing and gain another, I'm struggling with the loss I think that that comes from being adopted and my fear of abandonment if my esteem were better this wouldn't be an issue.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Mutt,

How is the new lady handling the fact your ex is not letting go? It sounds like you recognise that the reasons you're in this situation are unhealthy, although I must admit I thought it admirable that your ex was willing to admit she doesn't want a r/s but doesn't want anyone else to have you. What do you want? If you took out everyone's feelings but your own from the equation what would you do?

Love and light x

[Mutt]

How is the new lady handling the fact your ex is not letting go?

I asked her for time to take care of this she said you have time. The other day she said I hope that you don't get angry but what's going on? Did you make a decision? I told her that I'm having a hard time with this I know that it's not a healthy r/s skill to be worrying about other people's feelings. She took it ok but things are starting to get more serious. I can't juggle both, I thought at one point that I'll see where this goes maybe she wouldn't have had any more interest in me and we wouldn't be seeing each other anymore. It's still going I didn't think too far ahead.

What do you want? If you took out everyone's feelings but your own from the equation what would you do?

My ex is anxious right now with good reason she doesn't know if I'll break up with her or not she's not her usual self lately I can look past that she can be controlling and manipulative aside from that she does put in an effort in the r/s, I've been attached to her for a year and she said something last night that I hadn't thought about she said do you think I like being stuck at home? I'd like to go out too. She said you want that stamp on a r/s to recognize that it is a r/s I'm not talking about marriage.

What I do like about her is that we've been together for a year, she's trustworthy, dependable, thoughtful, intelligent caring being with her would be a long term relationship but she's clear that she doesn't want to get married. That's far ahead anyways living together would be out of the question because of her son.

I like the second woman because she's less maintenance and she's not toxic it could be too early to tell too. She's thoughtful, caring, I like spending my time with her doing things, going out for activities or just watch some Netflix, she's funny I like her sense of humour.

What I do like about both of them is that they don't call me down they are supportive of me they want to see me do better. I have a good job but I want to do something different and they encourage that.

I could continue with my ex and put an effort in to repair the r/s sometimes she can be difficult, I can be difficult too or I can take a chance with someone that I find that is not as high maintenance but not know where it will go. I don't know.

[Insom]

Hi, Mutt!  Good to see you here. 

Reflecting this back because it sounds like a clear, positive signal about where you want to go. 

Things are simple with her she's not high maintenance like the other one - I like that. I don't feel FOG with her I do with the other one a lot of G in FOG. She is the one that I would more likely choose I feel like I need to take the plunge because I might regret it if I don't.

[Mutt]

What I feared vane true. I made some really poor choices but I can’t beat myself up. I feel bad that I hurt the second girl and brought her in the middle of it. My exgf didn’t want to get back together when we broke up and I agree with what livendnlearned says in another thread. There should of been time apart before being fwb not just jump into after a r/s is some.

My exgf walked in on us last night ( nothing was going on psychically) I was watching Django Unchained on Netflix last night with the other girl and I the door rang at 11 I knew who it was. I had my phone on silent and didn’t answer it so my exgf sensed that she was at my house. My kids were asleep upstairs and i didn’t want to have a fight between the two.

My exit said what are you doing with my boyfriend to the second girl and she was looking at me and I just said that I think it’s a good idea to leave. I didn’t take her side i just wanted to diffuse the situation.

My exgf or girlfriend now wanted to go through my phone she was livid I gave her my phone and she read through all of the texts and said how could you do this? I said that this isn’t like me you said that you wanted me to find someone dude to get attached too and that’s just what I did but I couldn’t make up my mind and I really should of made my decision earlier so that it would have been less  painless for you and the other woman.

When the other woman left she whispered to me that she was really angry. I told her last night that I can’t do this anymore she texted me this morning telling me how disgusting I am to lead them both on. I said it didn’t start that way. I’m sorry that i put you in the middle of this I wish you well on your journeys.

My girlfriend was crying and really hurt and said that she couldn’t believe how the other woman looked at her and she said really this is my territory don’t look at me like that.

This is the part that I don’t like about myself this passiveness and inability to express what I want without having to worry about the other person’s feelings this could been prevented earlier. This also have been prevented if my exhf has not pushed me away and aid to find someone else she was even telling to go for my hairdresser because she’s hot.

Im not the entire sum of this last event or what transpired this last little while I did learn some lessons at the expense of someone ekse. I’m nig proud of that.

[Harley Quinn]

I'm sorry to hear things turned out this way.  I can imagine how mortified you must have felt.  So where does this leave you now Mutt?  Do you plan to remain with the exgf to pacify her despite your desire to make a go of it with the new girl?  Do you plan to contact the new girl at all from this point or let it go?  Are you single now?

Just putting this out there - perhaps this would be an opportune moment to spend a little time alone without either one in your life?  You know what we say about time and distance giving perspective. 

From what you've shared it sounds like your exgf removed much opportunity for space between her ending the r/s and now invading your privacy by demanding to go through your phone and claiming you as her territory to remove the threat of a potential new mate.

Try not to beat yourself up.  We all do things we're not proud of.  Sometimes those things hold the best lessons.  You clearly felt uncomfortable with hurting anyone's feelings and it backfired.  What if anything would you want to do differently if you had the chance to turn back time?

Love and light x 

[Turkish]

It might be good to dig deep to understand why you tried to start a new r/s so soon.  GF1 rejected you (mostly) and that had to hurt,  but she kept you around on her terms,  to which you agreed... .lessening that hurt perhaps? But she still played the power control. Even if you got something out of it,  keeping in mind that you still cared about her,  it still sounds lopsided. 

[Insom]

Oh, Mutt!

How did it feel to give her your phone to go through? 

[Mutt]

Do you plan to contact the new girl at all from this point or let it go?  Are you single now?

She sent me a text yesterday morning two actually she responded back to my response to her - she’s hurt and pretty angry. I don’t get a redo this time. I completely understand I and my gf came out of this unscathed well that’s not completely true. I didn’t feel pain, I know that both of them did but she got the worst of it.

The good news is is that we were seeing each other for less than eight weeks and it wasn’t frequent only in the last couple of weeks. I’m not single I’m staying with my exgf / gf.

Just putting this out there - perhaps this would be an opportune moment to spend a little time alone without either one in your life?  You know what we say about time and distance giving perspective.

I don’t want to be alone not right now there’s so much going on that it’s nice to have someone there. She sent a lot of texts and I noticed that she said loneliness a few times that she hates it, so do it I spent a huge chunk of time self reflecting from 39 - 43 they’re prime years. I know that it wouldn’t be a break for as long as the last time with my ex I don’t feel like I need distance for now. I might change my mind.

From what you've shared it sounds like your exgf removed much opportunity for space between her ending the r/s and now invading your privacy by demanding to go through your phone and claiming you as her territory to remove the threat of a potential new mate.

You clearly felt uncomfortable with hurting anyone's feelings and it backfired.  What if anything would you want to do differently if you had the chance to turn back time?

I felt like she judged me she didn’t have choice words for me it’s mor complicated than this recent incident she’s coming from m a place of hurt and anger - I get it. If I had a chance to turn back the the c’ock? Two things I would change take a break in between r/s’s and get over the last gf. Skip has said sometimes it’s not easy and it can be uncomfortable to tell someone that you’re i retested in what they’re offering and to set those feelings aside. I would have addressed the ex right away and be firm and unwavering when I wasn’t interested in a r/s with her and that I’m moving on.

[Mutt]

It might be good to dig deep to understand why you tried to start a new r/s so soon.  GF1 rejected you (mostly) and that had to hurt,  but she kept you around on her terms,  to which you agreed... .lessening that hurt perhaps? But she still played the power control. Even if you got something out of it,  keeping in mind that you still cared about her,  it still sounds lopsided. 

It did it hurt and I stuck around because I still cared for her and I wanted to get back together. When I realized that giving into everything that she wanted wasn’t helping I decided that if I’m goong to win her back then I have to make myself scarce if I’m akways available then she doesn’t want me. It worked but I feel like it was cheap the other girl got used i didn’t use her i was interested in her I wanted to make sure that the r/s didn’t start off being physical.

We got the know each other. I ran away for a court le of reasons. I didn’t want to feel the pain that I did when my exuBPDw left it was an irrational fear the circumstances and partners are completely different I chose to start dating because I wanted to continue what I had with my exgf at the time I want a r/s.

She has a good point she said you met her online and that you were so desperate to have a r/s she’s not attractive. It’s a shallow statement I got to know her first and I felt like we clicked that was my basis but she is right that I was desperate I had blinders on and I was rushing.

This might sound weird I do find it attractive that she knows what she wants ( my gf ) and that she fought for it. Her cousin that was watching her son while she was at my house said you know if this were back home you’d kill him  She wasn’t afraid and she didn’t back down kudos to her. I have more doubts about how she feels about me she’s protective.

[Mutt]

Oh, Mutt!

How did it feel to give her your phone to go through?  

I didn’t like it all for two reasons. Actually she asked me yesterday how it felt kissing the other girl and I got upset and said that this is enough. It’s like you’re twisting the knife on your own pain I get the feeling that you feel inferior to this woman- which she did admit to that. I didn’t want her to read it to protect her because I know that she had a lot going on in her life and didn’t want to add more pain to that I worry about her although she seems to be ok it’s my own worrying that’s irrational.

The second thing is that it feels like an invasion of privacy like Harley Quinn daid granted though that I’ve know her for a yet and that this is the first time that she’s done that. She’s really smart she knew everything from how I acted or didn’t give a response my lying was just causing confusion and distortion a lot like if I were on the receiving end of my exuBPDw dissociative episodes.

It didn’t feel right I wanted to save her from the pain, it would of hurt If i broke up with her it would have hurt less if I had taken care of things a lot sooner. Im not proud of it at all but if people want to judge me in real life I don’t feel shame because I know that it was a slip were not talking about a long pattern of behaviours this was a blip on the radar that’s all.

[Lucky Jim]

she said let’s not talk to each other and if by Friday morning you don’t get in touch with me then we’re done.

Hey Mutt, The italics remind me of my BPDxW when we were first dating.  She would say things like, if you don't agree to see me this weekend, I will never talk to you again.  I was naive, had little or no experience with manipulation and usually would accede to her demands.  In other words, I was quite susceptible to FOG.  I had no awareness that she was twisting my arm.

Now it's different.  It's easy for me to recognize manipulation and I can laugh it off, without getting caught up in it.  I refuse to give in to F-O-G.  I don't jump through hoops like I used to.  I let others solve their own problems and don't take them on.

The problem with passivity, I would suggest, is that it only postpones someone getting hurt even worse, farther down the line, whereas a few clear, definite words from you at the outset would have made it easier on all, including GF#1 and GF#2.

Worth thinking about!

LuckyJim

[Lucky Jim]

P.S.  Mutt, I'm speaking Ambassador to Ambassador here, and not trying to tell you what to do.  Only you know what is right for you.  LJ

[Mutt]

I agree with you with passivity it’s something that I really thought that I need work on. I was thinking that a part of me wanted her to break up with me she picked up on that I should havhave phrased that differently she left it to me I had until the Friday if she had followed through with it it was an easy way out just dontrespond back.


We’re back together. I talked to my mom last and she sounded disappointed but she wasn’t judgements - she said that it’s a toxic relationship I agree but it’s not the same thing as my exuBPDw and I wonder how much of it is culture.

She doesn’t want to live together because she doesn’t want to fight. I’m not  asking her to live together today it’s something that I would like way down the road. I’ll try it her way she says that I put too many conditions on love. If we don’t live together then we’re not legally married and then you a divorce that you go through I’m not interested in going through that again.

The toxicity I can forgive for that I can be toxic when I’m in a depressive mood and I’m not picking up in between the lines of what the other person needs it could display that I don’t have empathy. Am I bad guy?

I wanted her back she woke up when she saw that I was moving on if I hadn’t we still would have been broken up the r/s never really stopped in a sense we were still sleeping with each other we just weren’t committed. We have a history together we relatively get along together I’m attracteed to her. I told her that it turned me on that she fought for me the that she did it shows that she cares about me.

I know her I didn’t the other girl very well I could if left my gf and gone for the other woman who knows how long it would have lasted it may of gone for another month or so then it doesn’t work etc. The way that shyou fought for me was what swayed me and our history together too.

No worries Lucky Jim it’s a good discussion and I need to hear it.

[Zen606]

Hi Mutt-
An interesting situation. Do each of these ladies have something you need? Do they each supply something different? I am asking you these questions because I was in a similar situation sometime ago and felt love for these two men at the same time. When I was with one I missed the other. Eventually I had to let one go.

Zen606

[Lucky Jim]

I agree with you with passivity it’s something that I really thought that I need work on.

Hey Mutt, Agree, passivity leads to problems and is something you might want to work on.

Let me give you an example: in nature, wild animals don't hem and haw over the next step, even if it will prove painful for an offspring.  A Tiger chases the cubs out of the lair; an eagle pushes the eaglet out of the nest.

Maybe you can draw something from this example of what I'm calling "native brutality."  My point is that sometimes a few harsh words at the outset can avoid a lot of pain and confusion down the line.  Had you been less passive, I suggest, it might have been a lot easier on GF#1 and GF#2, as well as easier on you.

LuckyJim

[Mutt]

Hi Mutt-
An interesting situation. Do each of these ladies have something you need? Do they each supply something different?

I just wanted to know where things where going to go with GF#1 she won’t live with a man because she doesn’t want to be fighting with someone. I didn’t ask her to move in my value is that I eventually wanted to have a blended family. I broke up with her because she said that she had too much going on and didn’t have time for me so she left it to me. I felt like she was maneuvering in a way that I didn’t have an option. I still wanted her and she didn’t want to get back together she was happy with the emotional support and benefits of being in a r/s whole not being in a r/s.

Hence the reason why I started dating we weren’t committed to each other and I wanted to find someone with similar values I wanted to continue with a r/s even though GF#1 wasn’t interested that’s why I found GF#2. I still wanted GF#1 she wasn’t interested because she had everything that she wanted without a commitment once that she noticed that I was moving on she woke up. I think that she has a good point with trying to find a way to make things work and not have so many conditions in love. I’m really not interested in getting fleeced a second time and lose half of what I have because I’m living with someone.

Did you feel like you made the right choice zen606?

[Mutt]

Let me give you an example: in nature, wild animals don't hem and haw over the next step, even if it will prove painful for an offspring.  A Tiger chases the cubs out of the lair; an eagle pushes the eaglet out of the nest.

Maybe you can draw something from this example of what I'm calling "native brutality."  My point is that sometimes a few harsh words at the outset can avoid a lot of pain and confusion down the line.  Had you been less passive, I suggest, it might have been a lot easier on GF#1 and GF#2, as well as easier on you.

You have a really good point Lucky Jim

[drained1996]

she said that it’s a toxic relationship I agree but it’s not the same thing as my exuBPDw and I wonder how much of it is culture.

If it's toxic... .and you agree... .how do you see the toxicity changing? 

It's been a minute or two since this thread has been active.  How are things now?

[Mutt]

If it's toxic... .and you agree... .how do you see the toxicity changing? 

It's been a minute or two since this thread has been active.  How are things now?

Hi drained1996  It's been awhile how are you doing? I just saw her briefly yesterday I haven't seen her in a couple of weeks her dad is visiting her from India and he's staying with her for a month we talk and video chat every day I miss her.

I agree I don't think that there will be change on her part but she is aware of some of her behavior and she has talked about it - I do appreciate that she shares it with me.

That being said she is different than my ex one way is that she doesn't' tear me down as a person.I like her support hearing the truth can make you flinch and there was truth in what she said to me a couple of weeks ago she said that I was desperate to live with someone when I met GF#2 I think that's she right I was charging ahead I know that she cares she's been suggesting that I return to school and I thought about that for awhile and I think that I need a plan B. I think that she's trying to give me direction.

I was by myself for 4 years it felt like a long time for me I made that choice at this time I'm not interested in taking a long break maybe it's easier for some people to find someone I stayed in the r/s for as long as I did with my exuBPDw for that reason because I didn't want to go through the process again.

I do have to admit that I did have a good summer that gave me confidence I had fun I went out and dated and met different women it woke my gf up she's checked back in the r/s for now, she's making efforts, from time to time she'll make me feel guilty I know the why's now I didn't know a few years ago it does make a difference - she's not perfect and neither am I.

There was a part of me that panicked and didn't want to go through another depression from breaking up I averted that I could have been by myself and not have chosen either GF#1 or GF#2 I hustled it with dating, I put real effort into it I invested a lot into myself which is paying off now. I'm happy I think that I feel less anxiety that I wouldn't find someone else if this doesn't work out, I'm putting effort into our r/s too.

[drained1996]

I'm happy I think that I feel less anxiety that I wouldn't find someone else if this doesn't work out

Becoming more comfortable and confident with who you are as a person should lead to you feeling this way. 
Happy to hear she seems to have checked back into the relationship.  Enjoy each day for what it is, and know that you'll be ok whatever happens.