Daughter in relationship with Borderline 20 year old

[Depression = 72% of members]

Oh boy, none of the categories fit me.  My daughter (27) is in a new relationship with a borderline woman (20).  The borderline girlfriend, after visiting/meeting my daughter online came and visited my daughter (2 1/2 hours away by uber, she does not drive).  She came twice and then all of a sudden was 'pressed to leave her town because things were so distressing.'  My daughter let her come.  The honey moon was over in probably a week.  My daughter has come to near ruin (NEAR... .close enough to catch herself).  Now my daughter understands what this girl's (undiagnosed, untreated) situation is and she seems to be getting a better hold of what is going on.  I, as the mom, am trying to understand how to communicate with the girlfriend.  My daughter wants to try long enough to see if things can improve.  She loves the loving half of the girlfriend.  What are the biggest no no's of what not to say or do?  Can I be kindly blunt?  I started out biting my tongue and supporting trying to help.  Now I have become more blunt and still supportive.  Obviously she does not like that.  help.  I have ordered the book on Amazon and it is also in my public library, but they are closed right now.  Thank you

[PrettyB]

Oh boy, none of the categories fit me.  My daughter (27) is in a new relationship with a borderline woman (20).  The borderline girlfriend, after visiting/meeting my daughter online came and visited my daughter (2 1/2 hours away by uber, she does not drive).  She came twice and then all of a sudden was 'pressed to leave her town because things were so distressing.'  My daughter let her come.  The honey moon was over in probably a week.  My daughter has come to near ruin (NEAR... .close enough to catch herself).  Now my daughter understands what this girl's (undiagnosed, untreated) situation is and she seems to be getting a better hold of what is going on.  I, as the mom, am trying to understand how to communicate with the girlfriend.  My daughter wants to try long enough to see if things can improve.  She loves the loving half of the girlfriend.  What are the biggest no no's of what not to say or do?  Can I be kindly blunt?  I started out biting my tongue and supporting trying to help.  Now I have become more blunt and still supportive.  Obviously she does not like that.  help.  I have ordered the book on Amazon and it is also in my public library, but they are closed right now.  Thank you

[Kwamina]

Hi PrettyB and welcome to bpdfamily

BPD is a difficult disorder and dealing with someone who has BPD can be quite challenging. There however are tools that can help.

Do your daughter and her girlfriend live with you?

When you say your daughter has come to near ruin, are you talking about her financial situation or perhaps her own emotional/mental well-being?

Tools that can help include validation and S.E.T.:

Validation

S.E.T. - Support, Empathy and Truth

Were you already familiar with these techniques?

The Board Parrot

[Harri]

Hi PrettyB and welcome to the board!  We have a lot of people here who are dealing with 'in-laws' or g-friend/b-frined situations so I think this board is a good fit. 

Kwamina asked some great questions and suggested a couple of the tools we offer here so I won't add to that at this point.  I do wonder though if your daughter would benefit by posting on this site?  We have a board specific to those who want are focused on Bettering a Relationship and she may find the posts and tools offered on that board helpful.  You may find some of it helpful too. 

I hope you share more.  It is difficult to see someone you care for struggling with a personal relationship and we can support you through that.

[Notwendy]

Although they are not married, I think this fits into the category of DIL because they are in a romantic relationship and you are the third person in this potential triangle.

If you are wondering what to say- my first advice would be to not speak about this woman to your daughter and say little until you have learned about BPD and the dynamics of a BPD relationship, including the Karpman Triangle. Also consider that anything you say or e mail to your daughter could potentially be shared with her girlfriend. The potential concern about saying anything is that she could go into "victim" mode, your daughter could take "rescuer" role, and the two of them could bond together against you as "persecutor".

It isn't a good idea to mention you suspect BPD. If the GF hears this, she could potentially paint you black to your daughter.

What you can do is listen, love and support your daughter as she goes though what could be a difficult learning experience. I know you hope this does not last long but there is little anyone outside the relationship can do to influence this. If she comes to you for advice - speak affirmatively to her, let her know she is worth being loved and ask her what can you do to support her,  but tread lightly on speaking about the GF- making her the "bad one" in this or directing what to do like "you should break up with her".  If your daughter already knows her GF has BPD, then you can direct her to the resources here. Also consider professional counseling for your daughter if she is willing or wants it to help her cope.

I naively got on the Karpman (drama) triangle with my parents as an adult daughter of a BPD mother.  I was't aware of the triangle or the dynamics at the time. I thought I was helping my father. It went as predicted, with dad "rescuing" my mother "against me".  I took it personally. I wish I had known about the dynamics and the triangle before I said anything. I didn't imagine he was sharing all my e mails to him with her,  but he was. I wish you the best with this and hope it helps to be informed before you speak up.

[zachira]

As a mother who loves and cares deeply for her daughter, you want nothing but the best for her.
Naturally you are concerned about her involvement with a woman who has BPD. If you say much about the girlfriend, most likely it will be rejected, mainly because you are her mother. What your daughter probably wants  is for you to listen to her without judgment, and show that you trust her decisions. Probably the only thing you can say right now is that you are concerned about your daughter's relationship with this woman and only want the best for her.
When you interact with your daughter's girlfriend, it will be important to model healthy boundaries, and insist that you are treated with respect and kindness. This is different from the interactions between your daughter and her girlfriend, which you cannot do much about.
Do support your daughter in ways that will build her self esteem.
There are many people on this site who have been in situations similar to yours. We are here to listen and support you. Keep us posted.

[Learning2Thrive]

Hi PrettyB 

WELCOME! I’m glad you found us though sorry for the circumstances that brought you here. I agree with all the others and especially with what Notwendy has to say. You belong here and we are here to listen and support you.

I look forward to learning more about you and your family—and how we may help you navigate these troubled waters. 

  L2T