How do I let go?

[River 321]

Whether it's BPD or some other PD, I know it's not good for me.
Intense and amazing, the best tour guide in the universe, HB and I have been hiking the west for 1.5 years. There have been breakups, all have felt crazy and resulted in his "firing" me, sending me away, sometimes in the middle of nowhere. Silent treatment until I drive away. Once because the flyswatter he left on the table fell on toast.  Not kidding. All of the explosions have been over something trivial and all have been perceived as my fault.

We'll take a break, I'll make an overture and say I'm sorry he was upset, we start again.

Most recently, we were hiking and I couldn't keep up. Not uncommon, he has long legs, needs to move faster, I'm good with that. We had an agreement that when he looks back, if he can't see me, he waits. This time he didn't, he went past the overlook and I couldn't find the trail.

I was still okay with it, waited for him at the overlook, joined by another young man hiker who tried to help me find the trail.

When HB came down, I called to him and he strode right past me. I struggled to keep up, at the bottom, I said I couldn't believe he would treat anyone like that.

He accused me of abandoning, punishing, and manipulating him. In the car, I told him that his anger was hurting me and us, while he yelled F you at me. He then said I wouldn't have to suffer anymore because I should leave. I was 1000 miles from home

We've been though this so many times, he goes sideways every 25 days and I've gotten really good at working around it, giving him space and we're great for the next 24 days.

This time, I got silent treatment for two days, tried to discuss it, hear his side, nothing, so I left.

We were so well suited, both retired, love to hike, RV travel, dance, adventure. Zion, Arches, South rim, Tetons, Glacier, etc, etc weeks at a time, it's been incredible and what I've always dreamed of doing. He's fun and funny, intelligent, intense, and always finding trips to surprise me. We've never been physically intimate (med problem with him) but have been around each other, essentially lived together 24/7 except for sleeping for five months last year, three months this spring and summer.

NC for a month now and I still ache for that world. I have not reached out to him and realize (mostly) its not me. And it will keep happening and apparently escalate. My brain knows. How  do I untangle my heart?

[River 321]

Okay, there is a LOT of powerful stuff here.

Many of the emotions, behaviors, doubts, and questions that have begun to haunt me after a month of NC are addressed in the lessons and other information. It all seems to fit.

I've read through the material and will begin working with it, step by step. It's a little overwhelming, there's so much to cover. I am taking responsibility for my own healing.

Any suggestions on good places to begin would be welcome.

[juju2]

 

Welcome!

You found us, that is a very good thing.
There is help, hope, experience here.
I guess the more you read here and post more, we can make suggestions.  If its BPD, they have unstable relationships.  With my significant other, who is diagnosed w BPD, he was his worst w me.
I got to see how mean, horrible, hateful he could be.   Not knowing much about his mental illness, i thought i brought this out in him.  I definately made things worse, not knowing the tools that i am learning here.  Someone posted, the longer they were with their person w BPD, the less they knew them.   I agree with that description.

For me, its important to know myself, my intentions, my boundaries.  Am not a quick learner, its all o.k.  if i focus too much on him, i lose myself and thats not good.  Take good care of yourself.  Sincerely, j

[Mutt]

Hi K321,



Id like join juju2 and welcome w you to the family. I’m sorry for th circumstances that led you here. You must of been walked by in eggsheels right before his 25 day cycle - that’s tough. I’m glad that you find the lessons helpful it helps to talk to people that get it.

NC is a good start you decided to do that for a reason - a pwBPD can make you feel like you’re going crazy. I agree it’s baby steps it’s not a race here for you.

Can you fill us in how you’re feeling? What’s haunting you? Do you feel like you’re making a mistake? You can talk about anything that you want here.

[River 321]

Thank you, juju2 and mutt for the welcome.
It brought me to tears, perhaps just to be heard. To know I'm not crazy.

Yes, his relationships have been unstable and those who have know him for decades don't know how I've done it as long as have. He's known as a loner.

I did get the rage directed at me that few others are even aware he's capable of. Never physically violent but verbally abusive when he was in that once a month zone. I would simply ignore what he was saying and address correcting the situation or find an excuse to go elsewhere. Tricky when you're parked side by side in vehicles.

I did tell him he was being bully by yelling at me, he stopped that for a couple of months and I was hopeful. The silence is just as abusive.

Mutt, yes, the eggshells, almost constantly, because I never knew what would be a landmine the next time.

... .And what haunts me. I've never met anyone who had so much of what I've desired in a playmate. It hurts hard to lose the travel with him, both of us physically healthy enough to hike all day, dance at night. Passionate for life. For him to know all of these secret places in the national parks.

Yeah, I'm afraid there's not another one out there. I'm a bit of an introvert and love the one on one, why I've never joined a travel group, prefer to go solo or with one close friend.

Next, we both winter in an AZ community where we will be in contact at the dance venues starting next October. It's pretty much unavoidable. I'm hoping by then, it will be okay.  We always danced with lots of people.

 We weren't lovers but were inseparable besties and he seemed jealous of anything that took my attention away from him. Hopefully, a lot of distance will ease that.

I was glad to have the NC clarified. We are both on FB. I found myself reading and "liking" the few things that he posts. That's making contact. I know now I did that in the hopes of him softening and contacting me.  He won't and wanting that is not good for me. I'll stop that.

Unfriending or blocking him felt unnecessarily hurtful and/or manipulative, again,sending him a message. No need at this point.

Yes, rereading this, I still have an emotional attachment. No big surprise there.

I just wanted it to be a normal relationship! And it never can be that. Such a paradox.

I'm probably writing too much. But it's helping see what I want for a healthy direction. It's like I'm unpacking and unfolding and inspecting our interactions after not being willing or able to look at them at the time, letting the light of day illuminate.

I need to be looking at my own part in this.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi K321,

Don't worry about how much you're writing, just let it come.  Sharing here is so very helpful and cathartic.  Just knowing you're talking to others who really understand the dynamic can have a huge effect.  I'm so sorry to hear about what you've had to go through, and for your loss of a friend and travel partner.  That's a lot to have to deal with.  How are you doing with your self care? 

It sounds like you've done what I did when I first arrived - which was to read everything I could find.  That made a big difference in my understanding and helped me to know that I wasn't so alone in the experience.  We do really get it, as we've all had that loaded bond and everyone here is working through the process of detaching and healing at their own pace.  We all come here full of questions and seeking answers.  I'd encourage you to check out and involve yourself in other threads too, as there is much insight to be gained.  I found others' perspectives really valuable and we all grow and learn together.  You're definitely in the right place.   

Any suggestions on good places to begin would be welcome.

I can recommend one article (which you may have already read) as a good starting point.  Along with the lessons, this became a good reference for me of my progress and it includes the ten beliefs that can keep us stuck.  Getting stuck is not on any of our agendas I'm sure, so it's a really helpful read and allowed me to better understand the different perspectives of myself and my dBPDexbf.  I hope you will find it as helpful as I did and refer to it often on your journey, if only to feel proud of yourself for how far you've come.  You can find the article HERE.  It would be interesting to know if there is anything that particularly resonates with you.

Bring your thoughts, feelings and questions any time and we'll be here.  This community has gotten many of us through some tough moments and we're equally happy to share in one anothers' good news and progress.  I'm glad you found us.

Love and light x

[River 321]

Thank you, Harley,

I appreciate knowing I'm not writing too much and yes, it has been cathartic.

Reading the 10 beliefs and also the 5 elements of detachment have both been a good start in healing me, which is what I've decided has to be my emphasis at this point.  The Healing lessons, feeling the feelings.

Edit: "I am exactly where I need to be, right now."  That's a beautiful affirmation, thank you for putting it where we can see it.

And thank you for acknowledging the grief I'm feeling in losing my friend and playmate.  That really does feel worse than the relationship.  It's not a relief to be out of it.

I am not positive BPD is what I'm dealing with, many things fit, some don't. I'm doubting myself. He totally projects his sense of punishment and manipulation on my actions, esp, it seems, when I'm taking care of myself - hungry, tired, sick, hurt.  These are sometimes seen as a manipulative attack on him and he has protected himself from these perceived attacks by sending me away.  He doesn't seem to have any problem being alone, and when he cuts someone out of his life, he will be cordial later, but not pursue.  I might be an exception.  He is not pursuing me, but I know he misses my company.  He has told me he considers me family (he's estranged from his 10 siblings), has allowed few other friends to get close, everyone sees him as that tall, mysterious, dancing, traveler who lacks the social skills for normal conversation. He has told me he wonders how people make small talk. I taught with SpEd for many years, he's def somewhere on the autism spectrum.

I see him as a big kid who got broken somewhere along the way and didn't take his actions personally, any more that I would be hurt by a four year old's raging. If he could get over it, and usually did within a day, so could I. 

He initiated contact yesterday, told me where he was heading next (full time RV for 25 years).  Information but not an invitation, that's always been his way.  It's a close enough venue, and of course, really fun, that I could easily join him which is what I've always done before.  This time, I told him I hope he has a great time and plan to not go there.

It didn't feel painful to do this, I was surprised. Or numb.  I do hope he has fun, wish him well, and am busying myself with clearing out unneeded stuff in my house, a never ending task, it seems. Busy, busy, busy.

You ask after my self-care... .it hasn't been great.  My witness can see this, not exercising/ walking, holed up in my art studio, even sleeping here, but not making art -- have tried but dry as a bone right now. No alcohol or anything like that, not my thing.  My drug of choice is hermitage. 

Today, I resolve to use some of this quiet time to move past simply feeling the feelings, it seems more like wallowing at this point and that doesn't feel useful. Victim is not a role I indulge in for long.

Healing takes time.  I don't like that part.

Blessings to all,
Kathleen321
(Kathleen was my best friend who died some years ago, I feel she is my angel.)

[Harley Quinn]

Hi River,

Apologies for the late reply.  I'm glad that you like the affirmation.  It is one that has always resonated with me. 

I see him as a big kid who got broken somewhere along the way and didn't take his actions personally, any more that I would be hurt by a four year old's raging. If he could get over it, and usually did within a day, so could I.

That's a smart outlook.  Your experience in SpEd no doubt helped you in handling what he threw at you.  Eventually though, the behaviour when directed at us personally does take it's toll and become exhausting.  Oh to just have all the great aspects along with certain peace... .I'm very few if any of us on this board would be here if that were possible.

How are you doing?  Hope there is a bed of sorts in that studio of yours if you are sleeping there.  Yes, the time thing sucks.  But healing is worth doing properly if we're to move forwards without carrying additional baggage.  I'll look forward to an update.

Love and light x

[River 321]

How are you doing?  Hope there is a bed of sorts in that studio of yours if you are sleeping there.  Yes, the time thing sucks.  But healing is worth doing properly if we're to move forwards without carrying additional baggage.  I'll look forward to an update.

Thanks, Harley,
I've been muddling through on my own. Yes, the time thing sucks, as well as having my typical joy in living dry right now. I dislike the feeling of wasting any of my life feeling this low. It's been 8 weeks since we parted and only one direct contact in that time. I don't know why I'm still feeling so attached to him and the situation when my logical mind knows it is not going to get better. It will happen again if I reconnect in the same way as before.

I'm doing more things for myself, went to visit my firstborn in Seattle for a full week and accepted their nurturing.  R. has several BPD friends in therapy who are able to express what is happening from their side of the looking glass so has a unique understanding of Mama's suffering.

Right now, it all just seems so very sad. Sad that my friend can be so very broken, and the chances of someone that broken being able to maintain any kind of normal friendship seems so slim. It's totally new to me and feels really crazy.

And why I still cling to it at all when most of my friends would simply shrug it off and say, "his loss."   Much to examine in myself.

Otherwise, yes, I'm hiking again and signed up to substitute teach for a month before I leave again. My studio is much more organized than it was eight weeks ago, I've cleared out years of collection, and indeed, there is a bed, microwave, small fridge, and lots of sunshine here. A perfect retreat.

Thank you for asking. The grief still comes in waves, not constant, and I'm seeing more light every day.

 
River

[Mustbeabetterway]

Hi River 321,

Checking in to see how you are doing these days.  I can definitely relate to grieving our losses.  Are you still seeing more light each day?  I hope so.

Looking forward to hearing an update.

Peace and blessings,

Mustbeabetterway

[River 321]

Checking in to see how you are doing these days.  I can definitely relate to grieving our losses.  Are you still seeing more light each day?  I hope so.

Thanks for asking. I like that about this group. More light every day, yes.
Today, something of an inner release.  On another thread, I saw the suggestion for a book by Susan Anderson, Abandonment Recovery.  I bought the Workbook on Kindle, much more interested in exercises.  Just reading the material and answering a few questions seems to have contributed to a shift.

I didn't spend every waking moment thinking about him (where, what he's doing or thinking, etc etc).  When he did come to mind, something internalized that THIS ISN'T GOING TO CHANGE! and I was somehow at peace with it.

Can't really explain it except that I've been asking my inner guidance for release and doing every emotional cleansing activity I can think of from meditation to walking to tapping to consciously filling my emotional well for the day I knew would come that I was no longer so torn up with the conflicting emotions.

Today: He has a personality disorder. I don't hate him for it. He can't help it. Neither of us can fix it. Likely I'll see him again in the fall. I can be kind and loving and not engage.  It's all okay.

It comes and goes in waves, I'm seeing more daylight.

Love
River

[crushedagain]

Reading your story helped remind me that there are wonderful women out there. Good luck.