BPD spouse in 72 hour psych hold

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

As I write this post, my husband is in the hospital on a 72 hour psych hold. I am in complete shock and bewildered as to how to proceed now, and once he is released.  Right now, I see no future in this marriage of 28 years, today being our wedding anniversary. I am truly shaken to the core. I feel so alone in this devastating position, and ashamed to have to tell family and friends about my spouse’s behaviors leading to his break down, so I am turning to this forum in the hopes of connecting with others who might be in, or have been in this position.  Please help if you can.

[COMoe]

As I write this post, my husband is in the hospital on a 72 hour psych hold. I am in complete shock and bewildered as to how to proceed now, and once he is released.  Right now, I see no future in this marriage of 28 years, today being our wedding anniversary. I am truly shaken to the core. I feel so alone in this devastating position, and ashamed to have to tell family and friends about my spouse’s behaviors leading to his break down, so I am turning to this forum in the hopes of connecting with others who might be in, or have been in this position.  Please help if you can.

[babyducks]

Welcome COmoe,
I am sorry to hear of the difficult times that brought you to this website but I am glad you made the brave decision to reach out and tell us a little bit about what you are going through.

Many of us have been in very similar situations.   We understand how confusing and upsetting this can be.    Was there a crisis event that led to the 72 hour hold?

I would encourage you to continue to post and read here.  This is a very unique community that can help support you as you walk through this.

[Cat Familiar]

So sorry, COMoe,
Very heartbreaking to be dealing with your husband being hospitalized on a psych hold on your 28th wedding anniversary!   

Please tell us more about what led to this situation. I know how embarrassing it is when one's partner acts out in crazy and destructive ways. We understand how bizarre and unreal this can be to you.

When you have the time and energy, please tell us more about what happened.

Cat

[bginagin]

About a year ago, my husband of 30 years was put on an involuntary 72hr psych hold and my heart goes out to both of you for being in this situation. In some ways the hold also put a hold on some of the self destructive and increasingly violent behavior (to himself and the house, not towards me... .except verbally). He still expresses himself in alarming, disheartening ways, but the actions have certainly ratcheted down. However, the hold also gave him another way to insult me and he does still refer very angrily to the episode as the time when I had him "put in prison." While I find this personally annoying because it seems to relieve him of responsibility for the events landed him on the ward, he is much more careful about acting out.

Another problem at the time was that he wanted, as usual, to move out because of what "I had done to him", but luckily his psychiatrist was unwilling to allow that to happen. Quite honestly, I told only the very few people I consider my support team about this. I didn't want to add to the emotional fragility and social alienation by having people gossip about him and I was afraid it would have repercussions at work. This is an opportunity for a turning point. I hope you have a good support team and find the strength to get through this and find peace with however you decide to proceed.

[Lady Itone]

My exgfBPD spent lots of time in psyche wards during the 2 1/2 years we were together. She was in there on my birthday one year. Usually, it was a relief to know she was safe and I would get a respite from dealing with her insanity. She'd always be "good" for a week or two after getting out, taking her meds properly, not getting drunk or doing meth or adderall.

I very much resented having to talk to her social workers and doctors, but someone needed to come get her and I was all she had. I resented visiting her there, it made me scared and sad. At one point, I told her I would never, ever again visit her in a place like that, and next time she got put in, I didn't.
 
I kept hoping someone in there would have the magic pill or recommend the facility that could fix her, whatever. No luck so far as I can tell.

Sorry you have to go through it. It is painful as heck.

[COMoe]

I'm sorry I didn't respond sooner, but as you can imagine, life is very chaotic at this time.  It's very hard for me to share the details of the situation leading up to the psyche hold, but I can say that husband(H) was arrested prior to threatening suicide. I have enlisted the support of my family, and we are trying to determine the next steps to take to help H.  H asked if I could bring him home, and I said not until I talk with the doctor directly. He told me that he was planning to shoot himself as soon as he got home. I finally was able to reach a nurse at the inpatient facility who told me that H admitted that he would kill himself if released. Nurse said that they would not release him until they felt he was safe to go home. I am awaiting a call from the therapist who can hopefully give me a better idea of what is going on.

Thank you all for offering condolences and support. I have also contacted the local NAMI (National Alliance of Mental Illness) and will be attending the next support group meeting. I am devastated and sickened, but strangely relieved that I finally do not have to bear the burden of secrecy and shame all alone anymore.

COMoe

[formflier]

So sorry for this situation... .yet I can feel the relief coming through loud and clear that this is no longer a secret.

Are you in communication with your husband's care team?  Have they proposed "next step" for when the hold is over?  Can they keep him longer or transfer him to some sort of "step down" facility.

I'll come back often this evening to look for your replies.

You have found a safe place... we get it.  Share details that you can. 

FF

[COMoe]

Not quite sure how to reply directly to a post, so I will preface this message with the questions that formflier asked:

Are you in communication with your husband's care team?

I have asked repeatedly over the week for the therapist or someone who is working on H's care team to please contact me to let me know what is going on. I have yet to talk to a soul! Very, very frustrating.

Have they proposed "next step" for when the hold is over? 

H tells me that, according to Therapist, there will be an out-processing meeting to take place on discharge which will involve me. I would guess that the "next step" would be proposed at that time.

Can they keep him longer or transfer him to some sort of "step down" facility.

H is a Veteran, so further care will be coordinated through the Veteran's Administration.  My concern is that H has been going to therapy at the VA for over a year now, and obviously what ever therapy he has received to date has not worked! I understand that if H does not want to honestly communicate what his issues are, that no amount of therapy will ever be effective. What makes this time around any different from previous sessions?

Thanks all for your help and concern.
COMoe

[formflier]

What is your husbands disability rating with the VA?

Is he on SSDI as well?

Is he in VA facility now?

FF

[maxsterling]

I am sorry you are going through this.  .  I, too have dealt with this.  

W has been hospitalized twice since we have been together.  The first time she was seeing a T, expressed suicidal thoughts, and T admitted her.  She was in for about two weeks, and they would not release her until she was considered stable.  She had a release plan, and I had to go to the hospital and meet with the Drs to be sure I understood everything.  I visited her every day.  For about the next month, she was still depressed, but calm.  She did an outpatient intensive therapy every day.  We were only together 9 months then, not married.  I would have probably distanced myself from the r/s at that point, but she had nobody else she could really turn to, so after the hospital she was released to me.


The second time W attempted suicide by swallowing a whole bottle of pills after a complete dysregulation/fight.  I can't remember what the fight was about (but if I search the threads on here I could probably find my post about it).  She was violent towards me, and violent towards the house.  I called police - she swallowed the pills as I was dialing.  Police at the time said there may be evidence to charge her with assault, but since she was being carted away into an ambulance that would be up to me.  She was in the hospital about a week that time.  I think she manipulated her way into being released before she was probably ready.  In that situation, somehow a social worker was put into contact with me.  My memory is a little blurry and I'm not sure if I reached out or if the hospital/police automatically had someone reach out to me.  The social worker got me involved in a support group that was for men who had experienced trauma, violence, or abuse.  The social worker also helped me file a restraining order.  The idea was that the order would be on paper and valid for a year, and that I did not have to serve it but it would be there if I ever needed to have it served.  W was abusive again a few weeks later and I called to have the order served, but W was not home.  She called later and said she would meet me at a therapists office.  Things slowly improved after that.

The advice I would give you is to use the time while H is in the hospital to get yourself in order.  That means self care, and exploring your options.  Get in touch with a T or social worker for yourself so that you know your options (NAMI is a great resource).   Develop a safety plan for yourself.  on't just think about how to help him; you need help for yourself.  Leave his care up to his doctors and his support network.  If he is considering/attempting suicide, this is far above what you can help him with.  


This is really difficult to deal with.  I'm glad you are reaching out here.  You can get through it, and it will get better.

[COMoe]

Thank you for your replies, FF and maxsterling. I will reply to both of you on the post, as I haven't figured out how to answer individual posts.

What is your husbands disability rating with the VA?

H is not  on VA disability. Is there some way he can get disability from the VA?

Is he on SSDI as well?  No.

Is he in VA facility now?

H receives therapy from the VA, but on an out-patient basis.  I am hoping that he will be offered in-patient therapy so he can get intensive treatment.

maxsterling:  H is home now, and having a difficult time with shame, depression, and profound sadness. I do not know how to help him, and I am anxious to leave him alone, however, I can't babysit him 24/7. I am committed to help H get the help he needs, but I have set my limits, and although I don't want to end the relationship, I have to protect myself. H says he loves me, and doesn't want to lose me. I've heard it before, and after all that has happened, it's just words at this point.

Thank you all for your support, I will continue to post with updates.
COMoe

[Cat Familiar]

 Hi COMoe,
You must be exhausted after what you’ve been through in recent days.   

Though you’re holding up well, do you have friends and family who are supporting you though this difficult journey?

It’s good that you’re setting limits with him and not being drawn too deeply into his emotional crises. As is often said, it’s important to put on your own oxygen mask before you can help others. I hope you take some time to do something that feeds your soul.    

Cat

[pearlsw]

Hi COMoe,

Nice to meet you, though under such painful circumstances!

I am in a similar position lately, although with less options and support than you. I thank you very much for sharing your story as it gives me ideas about how I can handle my own situation.

I want to extend my compassion and concern to you and your husband. I am sorry this happening and I hope things can get better for you!

warmly, pearl.