Our anniversary is coming - What to do with the silent treatment? Part two

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Thanks Woodchuck.

Brave -
I feel your pain with the dealing with the silent treatment.  It is one of the most painful things to deal with, at least for me.  The part that I find most difficult is that there is no set timeframe even when one is requested.  I find it extremely rude and disrespectful as well. 

... It ends up causing more hurt for me when she snaps out of it and acts like everything is fine.  I have waited days if not weeks to talk and resolve things but suddenly everything is fine and the fact that I have left her alone for however long means nothing.

 
If there is a set time, or at least some form of check-in from time to time, that is more acceptable because than our loved ones accept that our experience counts as well.

  I guess just focusing on me and trying to realize that things are not going to change helps keep me a bit more calm. 

I am thinking about that now. It's painful at times to come to terms with that. One more layer of radical acceptance...

 

Brave

[braveSun]

Thanks Woodchuck.

Brave -
I feel your pain with the dealing with the silent treatment.  It is one of the most painful things to deal with, at least for me.  The part that I find most difficult is that there is no set timeframe even when one is requested.  I find it extremely rude and disrespectful as well. 

... It ends up causing more hurt for me when she snaps out of it and acts like everything is fine.  I have waited days if not weeks to talk and resolve things but suddenly everything is fine and the fact that I have left her alone for however long means nothing.

 
If there is a set time, or at least some form of check-in from time to time, that is more acceptable because than our loved ones accept that our experience counts as well.

  I guess just focusing on me and trying to realize that things are not going to change helps keep me a bit more calm. 

I am thinking about that now. It's painful at times to come to terms with that. One more layer of radical acceptance...

 

Brave

[braveSun]

Well I did send an email today. I finally thought about her last email. She had sent photos. So I did that today. Went for a photo walk in our neighborhood and while I was sent her some.

[formflier]

Well I did send an email today. I finally thought about her last email. She had sent photos. So I did that today. Went for a photo walk in our neighborhood and while I was sent her some.

Can you share the email... with names redacted of course?

I'm looking for places where you are inadvertently inflaming things.

FF

[Notwendy]

On the more immediate note- when is your rent due? What is the very last possible date to hear from her if you will have rent money?

From my own observation, pw BPD tend to push at boundaries until their fear of abandonment kicks in. I think they can sense when they have gone too far, and then can revert to "nice". Does she know the due date for the rent? She may stay in ST right up until that.

I also think you have to have your own limits about how much of this you will tolerate. She may do this from month to month- hang on until the last minute and change her mind, or miss the due date and continue the ST. Waiting on her decision eaves you in limbo. I know you don't want to get into catastrophic thinking, but a game plan for what to do if she does not come through with rent money isn't just that, but a contingency plan. I know you are looking for work, but a contingency plan could be you moving out as well- with a room mate to share costs, or a less expensive place, or even another place somewhere else.

Is her name on the lease? If so, she's also on the hook for rent money.

[braveSun]

Can you share the email... with names redacted of course?

I'm looking for places where you are inadvertently inflaming things.

FF

The email I sent yesterday.
 
Title: 'Summer things'.
Body copy:
'My walk today...
Brave'
I attached 2 photos. One from a tree, and another from saplings of the tree the neighbor gave me to take home. The second pic was taken from home.

Was this the email you were asking for?

Brave

[braveSun]

On the more immediate note- when is your rent due? What is the very last possible date to hear from her if you will have rent money?
... .Is her name on the lease? If so, she's also on the hook for rent money.

Rent is due on the first of the month. That's Wednesday. She knows. Yes, her name is on the lease. And on the electric bill.

So there is a chance she'll snap back, yes.

I agree with the point you make for me to not being putting up with that for much longer. Sadly, once I get a survival job, I'll have a bit more leverage for what I want to do. I expect she'll act this way all the way till I get that job, yes.

[formflier]

If she doesn't "snap back"... .don't save her from the consequences of her choice to not communicate.

Also... don't nag her and express anxiety.  One or two succinct communications isn't nagging... we can help.

Big breath... .what does that mean for you?

If she pays... .this issue dies.

If she doesn't... .(fill in the blank)

FF

[braveSun]

Big breath... .what does that mean for you?

If she pays... .this issue dies.

If she doesn't... .(fill in the blank)

FF

If she doesn't, that means we can't be friends within our marriage.

Or, not in the same way as when I did take my vows. I'll have to consider this and think more about what the relationship means to me, with the new information in.

Brave

[Notwendy]

My bet is that she pulls through at the last minute but also harbors some resentment. Yes, she agreed to the arrangement- and in that moment, really meant it but PBD feelings are all over the place. How people handle money is a reflection of their values and feelings- some are generous, some are stingy, some save, some are spendthrift. Money issues are common in BPD relationships because of this, independent of how much there is.

I've observed this with BPD mom and who she relates to. With my father, she controlled any money he gave us. Now, she is widowed and has enough to live on, and her emotions and relationships influence what she does with it. She has both controlled and been generous with her employed helpers- they have taken advantage of her at times and she has also controlled them with "bonuses". She sends her grandchildren generous checks for birthdays, holidays. She is trying to "buy" their attachment to her. (They aren't attached to her.) and if she is angry, threatens to not send gifts at all.

One of my siblings fell on tough times and she helped him financially, but also was emotionally abusive to him. I know she would not ever leave him hanging but she did the push-pull with money with him- giving him money and then berating him for needing her. Constantly being critical of his job choices. She's changed her will so many times that I don't even know who is in it or not and have no expectations but she will write us in or out if she's angry at us. He eventually found a decent job where he doesn't need her, but she still is critical of the job, says it isn't good enough.

The honest truth is that she does love him. She is very attached to him, and on one hand sincerely doesn't want him to be without food or shelter, yet she also can't manage her resentment at helping him and it is reflected in how she manages the money with him. She's also afraid of abandonment- so she pushes him just far enough and then gets scared and then is generous.

[formflier]

If she doesn't, that means we can't be friends within our marriage.

Or, not in the same way as when I did take my vows. I'll have to consider this and think more about what the relationship means to me, with the new information in.

Brave

Think about money... .what does that mean for you?  And... to be clear... she has not come through before... right?  So... .if she doesn't come through... .is it fair to say we have a pattern that will most likely keep repeating.

FF

[braveSun]

Wow!... Notwendy. This is so much like my spouse!... I thought you were describing her.

My bet is that she pulls through at the last minute but also harbors some resentment. Yes, she agreed to the arrangement- and in that moment, really meant it but PBD feelings are all over the place.

... .One of my siblings fell on tough times and she helped him financially, but also was emotionally abusive to him. I know she would not ever leave him hanging but she did the push-pull with money with him- giving him money and then berating him for needing her. Constantly being critical of his job choices. She's changed her will so many times that I don't even know who is in it or not and have no expectations but she will write us in or out if she's angry at us. He eventually found a decent job where he doesn't need her, but she still is critical of the job, says it isn't good enough.

The honest truth is that she does love him. She is very attached to him, and on one hand sincerely doesn't want him to be without food or shelter, yet she also can't manage her resentment at helping him and it is reflected in how she manages the money with him. She's also afraid of abandonment- so she pushes him just far enough and then gets scared and then is generous.

I always wondered if the word 'generous' could be correct in such case. For people outside it could certainly look like it's a generous gesture, maybe to even give more than he might have asked her. But from inside the relationships, this keeps the power dynamic on her side. Because both the withholding/over-reaching causes for him the (subconscious) hook. Expectation that 'there is cause', because 'there was more' than expected to begin with. And you can see how that ties into her thinking that his 'decent job' was not enough. There is a link there, between her expectations for his performance, and his expectations for his standard of living.   

Both people lose with this because both people end up feeling he is not good enough. 

In our case, she seemed to be doing something similar. But between spouses, that's not OK. I'd rather see a fixed amount being deposited every month to cover fixed/recurring expenses, and have a check-in when there are changes happening (ex, a job offer, bringing in x amount for now, so lower the deposit until notice). Than no resentment, but some sense of opening for what we as a couple can do to make both our lives better. Also expand room into the budget to include equal discretionary moneys for both spouses. Where each spouse knows that there can be enough to take care of ourselves when we are not in sync, or when we need a break from routine, etc... A straightforward and supportive approach has a much better chance to put the lower income spouse in the driver seat on her/his earning potential.

As far as I see now, it's kinda pie in the sky for us...

[braveSun]

Think about money... .what does that mean for you?  And... to be clear... she has not come through before... right?  So... .if she doesn't come through... .is it fair to say we have a pattern that will most likely keep repeating.

Yes. The pattern is so far, she has come through, like Notwendy said, but berated me for needing her support. I expect that she will repeat yes.

I'm still struggling with the she said/she said, because that has implications on how I want to be treated in the future.

Regarding money sharing, I do see that she gets what she wants in the end. I get off of her finances. She told me so once. But in terms of the relationship. It will take me a while to come to terms with my own meaning. I am good enough. And I will be able to manage my own finances like I did for so many years before I got in this situation with her.

My respect goes to Notwendy, and to all people who underwent this kind of treatment from childhood into their adult years... . 

One aspect of this is really sad. It's that if she did have a plan for me in her will, and she did feel righteous about pushing me this way, than she also changed her mind many times, and as an end result, the trust I once had in her is not finding grounds.

A second sad aspect is, if she did have not enough money to support me, and she did care truly about me and the relationship, she would not resent me. Or many just a few times, the time to learn about the way things are, vs the way she thought they were. There we would buckle down together.

This whole story is not about her money being 'her money', thus she can do what she wants. It's about emotion regulation issues getting entangled with the on-going support she gives people. This affects only people who count on her, when they do.

One shots off are fine. She is even generous, yes.

[formflier]

My guess is she comes through as well.

It would appear in the past she has been late here and there.  You are still early in this dynamic.

I'll start with "full disclosure" about my r/s and finances.  There was a time... 15 years maybe 16, where my wife had access to everything I had... .EVERYTHING.  Think about it... .part of the checklist to deploy and go to sea is to make sure people have powers of attorney... whatever is needed.

There was overspending here and there... .and other things came in well under budget.  Sometimes things happened that I could have fixed inexpensively if I was home, but she would have to hire out because I was gone with the Navy.

Anyway... .things were normal until BPD showed up.  I kept thinking it would go away.

I would make an agreement... she would break it.  Some agreements would last a year... .some a week.  Since her first act of "financial infidelity" (running off with $30k... .from a joint account to her account... .with most going to her family) there has been NO AGREEMENT she has kept.

So... .I stopped making agreements.  All of "my money" (that comes in under my name), is fenced off.

BraveSun, I really hope it never comes to that for you.  But keep an eye on things and keep this in mind... .when future agreements  are discussed.

If most of them are kept... then sure... make more.  If an agreement being kept is rare... .I would advise stopping making them.

FF

[Notwendy]

Thank you Bravesun. It was quite the lesson growing up.

I lived in the dorms my first year of college. My parents expected me to come home for the summer. I am my mother's "black child" but I was also useful to her, helping around the house and had become her emotional caretaker. I had other ideas. I found an apartment that I shared with some other students and found a job that barely covered my expenses and told my parents I was not coming home for the summer. She was shocked but couldn't do a thing about it. I was over 18, and could pay for it.

She controlled every penny my father gave me. Once in college I was out with my dad and I saw something in a store I wanted- It was a music tape- cost about $5. My father could have easily afforded that. I was already on my own and so it wasn't a matter of a kid wanting something they didn't earn. I told him I wanted to stop and buy it. The first thing he said was " Did Mother say you could buy this" and I replied " I have my own money Dad, and I can buy it".

I was a broke college kid, living in an apartment with no furniture with a bunch of kids my age with low paying summer jobs, but I was free from my mother's control.

I didn't cut contact with my parents- I still had a relationship with them. They also still helped me with college some but I wasn't subjected entirely to my mother's changing moods. This is one reason I encourage you to get something to bring in some money. You still have a marriage and other things to work out, but if you have some income, that element of the dynamics will be relieved.

[braveSun]

Thank you so much, Notwendy and FF, for sharing your own experiences with pwBPD and money in your life. It really makes a whole lot more sense to hear the backstories and the values you stood behind. I will walk into this with a lighter heart because of you.

 

One or two succinct communications isn't nagging... we can help.

How would I do this now, to signal her that I will need her help for this month. Like, just a de facto email with numbers and a date?

Brave

[formflier]

 
Didn't you just send her an email?

Tell me about the last couple times you reached out.

We can go from there.

I've got a couple ideas, but want to make sure they are in context.

FF

[braveSun]

Yes. I sent 2 pictures yesterday. No answer.
Before that I sent her a card around our anniversary 2 weeks ago. Email card. No answer.

Before that I called twice 3 weeks ago. Left voice messages and told her I wanted her to call me back. No answer.

Before that I called twice 4 weeks ago, and had a tenant check on her because of no answer. She sent the photo email at that time and I didn't email back than, just called her and told her that it appeared she was not answering my calls. I told her that this increases my anxiety than.

To be truthful, I don't think I did contact her only for money so far...

[formflier]

Before that I called twice 4 weeks ago, and had a tenant check on her because of no answer. She sent the photo email at that time and I didn't email back than, just called her and told her that it appeared she was not answering my calls. I told her that this increases my anxiety than.

So... .you actually spoke to her 4 weeks ago... last time?  Right?

FF

[Notwendy]

You are kind of between a rock and a hard place. Of course you want a relationship that includes more than money and you want to speak to her for various reasons. But money is one of them, as you two have an agreement. Now, with her not speaking to you, you aren't able to communicate for any reason and the rent is about due. So if you do contact her about money, well, she can then say " that's the only reason you contact me".

She can think what she wants. There is no point in JADE or even validating that - you can't change her thinking and if she believes it, that's what she chooses to believe.

If her name is on the lease and utility bills- then she knows when they are due. I would bet she may come through on these last couple of days. If she doesn't then you have some decisions to make - quickly. Even if she does, this is possibly going to be a pattern from month to month.

She isn't going to change, but how you will deal with this is up to you- how many times you are willing to try to reach out for her or to get her to honor the agreement she made with you before you take action in another direction- move out of this apartment, etc. When is the lease on it up?

[Notwendy]

What FF's wife did can be called "emotional infidelity" which is a breach of trust between two people on handling money.

My relationship with my H is a bit different. He is very traditional- probably more so than I am with roles in the family. When we met, we were in school, then each had about equal paying jobs. As I understood, we both agreed that I would have the primary responsibility for home and children and work part time when babies can along so I could be their primary caregiver. He was very invested in his career. We both agreed that having a mother home with the children was an important value.  I have worked full time, part time, and also stayed home at various times in the marriage.

I would say he has kept his agreements to us, and I am grateful for that, but the resentment has been evident. It was hard to ask for any extras- like camps for the kids, and I paid for that out of my earnings as I didn't feel comfortable asking or discussing it. The issue was not who paid- I wanted to contribute. The issue was that I feared asking or discussing money with him because of the resentment.  

There was also an incident of "financial infidelity" on his part . I thought there was an error on the bank statement which turned out to be a large purchase by him. There was no discussion, he just did it and didn't say anything. When I was upset about the lack of communication, his response was "well it is my money, I don't have to explain it".

If he takes us on vacation where he wants to go, he's fine with that but if I mention I want to go somewhere, he resents it. I used to plan dates and activities for us, but I don't much now as I don't want to hear the resentment.

As was mentioned - money may be the topic but the issue isn't as much about money, or the amount of money, but that money becomes an avenue for expression of emotions and dysfunction- resentment, inability to discuss issues. Money is tied to power in a relationship. He earns it, he has the power. Ironically, it was reversed for my parents. Dad earned it, my mother had the power of it.  The $5 tape I wanted was easily affordable to my parents. My Dad could have easily said " I'd be glad to get this for you" and put a big smile on my face for all of $5 but this is not how things worked in my family.

We do bring our own FOO issues into our relationship which makes me very sensitive to emotional issues surrounding how money is handled. Most likely I was tuned in to the issues in my marriage while my H didn't think anything was wrong with what was going on. Thankfully, he finally has begun to understand that the violation of trust with the money missing did affect the marriage- we do communicate better when it comes to expenses, but I tend to be on high alert with these types of issues due to how I grew up.

[Notwendy]

I also wanted to mention that I felt responsible for the resentment and worked really hard to hold up my end of the agreement, in hope that he'd see the value in that. That is my own co-dependency- trying to prove my own value that was already pretty diminished from my FOO. It's a tough thing to do, but I feel I have done my best to do good for my family and I think the resentment more his issue than anything I was responsible for. It's tough to be seen as the "cause" of that though.

[braveSun]

So... .you actually spoke to her 4 weeks ago... last time?  Right?

FF

No. I called a little over 4 weeks ago because I hadn't heard from her in a long time (5-6 days). I didn't speak to her than, left 2 voice messages.

Last time we spoke was June 24th, day after she gave the ride back to the city.

[braveSun]

I also wanted to mention that I felt responsible for the resentment and worked really hard to hold up my end of the agreement, in hope that he'd see the value in that. That is my own co-dependency- trying to prove my own value that was already pretty diminished from my FOO. It's a tough thing to do, but I feel I have done my best to do good for my family and I think the resentment more his issue than anything I was responsible for. It's tough to be seen as the "cause" of that though.

Thanks for sharing this Notwendy... So much to think about.
 
Yes, I saw myself developing a fear of asking her for money. I even went to the wire with pantry and fridge empty and had to come post here just to get my own self-esteem back to a decent level with this. Now with the ST it's hard on me for that aspect.

And yes, I do feel like I have to prove myself to measure up to my spouse's standards, but it's a set-t-fail proposal in this case. I cannot let her set the tone on what's enough or what's too much in my life. Her judgements are driven by her negative emotions, possibly resentment, as you so kindly express. 

I think for me the idea of 'generosity' has done me in too many times. As friends, yes, it makes sense to see her helping a friend at times when they are in a pickle as being generous to them. But as a spouse, this positioning has to change. I see her telling me that other people in her life need her help and that with including my needs in her planning, she cannot help others as much like she used to. It's affecting her in her sense of identity somehow. She is seen by many people as someone who has money, therefore they'll ask her if in need. Thing is, some of them are feeding substance addictions, she is taking drugs herself, those are her habits she'll never admit may be affecting her judgements, finances, relationships with others, marriage, etc...

It's not that I care with that much intensity when I'm not around her. It's just a factor that does not allow me to see any kind of sensible stability in her finances in the future. You can't compete with drugs. They take everything. They affect the brain so that addicts won't desire normal ranges of pleasures of life in a real intimate relationship with a human being.  If I'd give up my own life to taking drugs myself maybe I'd feel no loss. But I don't use drugs. I value sobriety.

To be honest on the drugs issue, my partner has a medical prescription but she was taking recreational drugs as far as I could observe. There has been breaches of trust pertaining to that. More recently, since a few months, she shared that she had moved to only taking CBD oil, which could be a better way of doing it. She seemed to have toned down her usage a bit. 

Not that it always was this way between us. I'd say it became an issue for me after the disaster, when I saw that it was impairing her judgement on situations affecting our meetings together. She made poor choices a couple of times, and as a result could not come live in my country with me part of the year as I had wanted her to.
There a chip broke in my trust of her.

The idea of intimacy and trust is that over time we feel our partner is not doing things that put us in harmful situations or in situations of loss. She used to self-monitor her drug usage much better than she is now. I'm not surprised. Many people's kinks went over the roof in the years after the disaster. Because of what a disaster is, the trauma is across the board for everybody, so there are many painful discrepancies going on at same time in our lives. Everybody has suffered considerable material and emotional losses. Everybody. Including me. So we are somewhat bound to this common condition in our communities. That doesn't mean things are healthy.  Lots of boundary violations and enmeshment around my spouse. I have my own struggles with that too.

When you spoke about your sensitivity, I saw the same between all people around my spouse and me. If I don't take a survival job, than because some other people who are still living in survival mode around us, we do feel somewhat responsible to adjust our attitude and expectations.

For now, my coming down here has seen me processing a lot of my own losses, due to the disaster. It's like a sort of life review if you will. Many people around us have been there already, and they have moved on materially, so to speak. But did not necessarily process the emotional part. It's easy to get enmeshed into what other people think of me, my performance at finding a job, the costs of the apartment, my absence from her house. It's actually not my job in life to satisfy all the people my spouse loves. I think going through these pressures and staying being me, being enough the way I am, is a tremendous teaching.

But going for thriving into ones' life, ... .? What I am processing now is how easy it is for my spouse to gather support to her cause because of other people counting on her help as well. I cannot accept to submit into a life of survival.  I've had enough of it with the years we were separated as I was alone in my own country. We did have some good times together, and I did have some rough times back alone in my country.

Notwendy, I do have an appreciation for the suffering this dimension of growing up with a parent wBPD can bring. It is indeed a monumental teaching. Once you have decided to take your financial life into your own, you have decided to make the best of your situation with the means you had at the time. In your marriage too, you decided to make the best of it, under the circumstances of your H's resentment. You coped, and in a way maybe through your work for your family you thrived in these difficult situations. You in turn have gained a lot of wisdom regarding the nuances of human nature.

[braveSun]

Didn't you just send her an email?

Tell me about the last couple times you reached out.

We can go from there.

I've got a couple ideas, but want to make sure they are in context.

FF

FF, I have drawn a draft for an email I want to send tomorrow morning. Just because of what you mentioned, I want to see if that would fall into what you had in mind with succinct communication.

Basically, only financial info on the help I'll need, and date when it's due. To make sure she doesn't deposit just a part of it, in case she thinks I found a roommate. Didn't yet.

Form goes like this:

Hello Mrs Brave,
August is this week and I have not found a new roommate yet. Here is the help I'll need from you this month.  Total: $$

Breakdown here:
-  rent                     $$
-  jul bills                $$
-  aug bill               $$
-  deposit return   $$
-  foods & phone  $$
 TOTAL                  $$

Next rent due: Aug 1
Next bills due: Aug 3

I am hoping to be able to return the new deposit from new roommate, and the amount I'll get for August if you need.

Thank you for your support
Brave

[Notwendy]

Personally, I would stick with facts and not promises as those could be misinterpreted.

Also, if you did find a room mate and your wife then cut you off or cut contact with you, you might choose to hold on to the deposit as you may need it for your survival. I do think you should pay it back when you have some stability from employment, but it may be all you have to survive on until then. If she asks for it back,then you should give it to her.

You can also be honest with the situation from your point of view, not mentioning her side of things, but how it looks from your end " I haven't heard from you" is different from " you have not written me back".

If the deposit return is if you have a room mate, leave it out, as you don't know when/if you will find one.



Dear Mrs Brave,

I hope you are well. I have tried to contact you several times but have not received a reply. I hope to hear back from you.

As it is the end of July, I am writing to remind you of the upcoming expenses. I do not currently have a room mate.

These are the bills and the due dates:
  Total: $$

Breakdown here:
-  rent                     $$
-  jul bills                $$
-  aug bill               $$
-  foods & phone  $$
 TOTAL                  $$

Next rent due: Aug 1
Next utility bills due: Aug 3


Please let me know if you will be depositing funds for these expenses. Thank you for your support
Love, Brave

[formflier]

Full disclosure:  ST is not something that I've had to deal with.  Many times I end ups wishing for ST (bad joke... .but gives perspective)

I have a very different take on this, but... .keep in mind my lack of direct experience with ST. 


Mrs Brave,

I’m perplexed by the silence between us.  It would mean a lot to me if you could share your thoughts about the timeline for us to reconnect.  I miss our time together.


(I would not to “love you miss you”... etc etc... perhaps something like “best” or just sign your name.  )  (goal is to express desire without “pushing” or triggering push pull)

(your name)

[formflier]

So... .I am a real estate investor... .I would find it condescending and insulting to be "reminded" of monthly obligations (granted... I've never ST'ed anyone).  My understanding is your wife fits in this category of  owning quite a bit of real estate. 

My guess is she is quite familiar with leases... right?

Your wife is an adult, she knows your capabilities... .she knows hers.  She knows the impact on you of withdrawing support.  No nagging or reminding.

If it gets close to the 15th... I would ask for her ideas on how this goes forward.  (but again... no reminding)

If in the future you decide to take your own action due to her ST... .don't inform her.  :)on't ask her... just do it.

Anyway... .thoughts?

FF

[braveSun]

Thank you Notwendy and FF for your inputs. I just sent an email, worded as Notwendy suggested. I decided to send a 'reminder' because:

a)  I do see that she has not deposited for bills mid-July (while in ST).
b)  I needed her to know that I have not found a roommate yet, and
c)  I owe the deposit back to the last one. That deposit was used to pay my share of rent on another month when my spouse didn't deposit for rent. I had elected to not push on the issue back than because it was my spouse's birthday, wanting to let her have a bit of a break.

So this time there were more expenses to address.
A deposit is due, and July's bills are not paid yet.

d)  Oh, and about 'reminders'. She does that all the time, when I ask her for something, to remind her later when it's time. She can sincerely forget, just as much as she can pretend to forget, and than get mad at you, both.

[braveSun]

So... .I am a real estate investor... .I would find it condescending and insulting to be "reminded" of monthly obligations (granted... I've never ST'ed anyone).  My understanding is your wife fits in this category of  owning quite a bit of real estate. 

... Your wife is an adult, she knows your capabilities... .she knows hers.  She knows the impact on you of withdrawing support.  No nagging or reminding.

If it gets close to the 15th... I would ask for her ideas on how this goes forward.  (but again... no reminding)

Yes, I hear you FF. I too, don't need to be reminded to get rent on time. If she doesn't, we both will get a reminder from the real estate cie.   

It will be the second time within 6 months if that happens.

She knows, and she is also 'rebellious' to the idea that she is somewhere responsible.

I'll keep silent on the reminders thereafter. I had to make sure I made things clear first.

[braveSun]

Mrs Brave,

I’m perplexed by the silence between us.  It would mean a lot to me if you could share your thoughts about the timeline for us to reconnect.  I miss our time together.

I like that. I will not want to send that while there is a money situation pending.

Open to more comments...