Am I doing "no contact" right?

[singularity]

I've read the articles about "No Contact" and am not sure if that applies here.

My pwBPD told me two weeks ago that she didn't have romantic feelings for me.  She said it was because of a difference in intensity in our relationship, hers was low and mine was high and it caused her some annoyance.  Suggested we be friends, I overreacted.  Last week I messaged her to ask her if I could see her boys (who I love dearly) and she agreed.  We met up for a talk beforehand, but when I was leaving she moved to the other side of the kitchen counter and said "just because we're hanging out, you shouldn't text me".  I accepted and left.  

Sunday I spent the day with her kids and her mom.  Kids were sick so it was mostly about staying home and playing.  She talked nicely, and it looked like she might be turning a corner.  I've lost weight, taken care of myself, and it shows that I am a lot more confident.  I even caught a few glances at me when she thought I wasn't looking.  

When it was time to leave, I hugged her mom goodbye, and said bye to her.  I left as she was attending to the kids.

She texted me and said it was nice to have me over and was sorry she didn't get to say bye.  I thanked her for having me and said I had the best day.  

I am not going to text her and just let her have some space until she feels that she is comfortable reengaging.  In two weeks I might ask her if I could come and see the boys again.  Unless she texts me first.

Anything I should be worried about?  I love and miss her dearly and am worried (from what I hear online) that she will just move on.  I'm therefore conflicted about giving her space or texting her, although to respect her wishes I am doing the former.

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[isilme]

There are no rules for No Contact or Limited Contact.

You choose and control the levels, if any, of contact that keep you protected from being hurt.

I am NC from both my parents, Dad since I was 19 and he disowned me in writing, and Mom for about a decade now.  It protects me, it keeps my household safer from their crazy and has allowed me to grow a lot, become more of "me" and not just an extension of them.  I choose if I will ever contact them, respond to them, ever in whoever is still around's lives.  My case is extreme. 

Most people do Limited Contact.  They engage as long as they can, but when the red flags start waving, they pull back. 

If you want to talk to her, see her, be around her, and she treats you in an acceptable manner, cool.  If she starts stepping on boundaries, and you need to take a break, and that break may last a week, a month, or just a few hours, it's all up to you.  The only person you can control is you, so when contact is rough, too much, too heated, or you feel you need to step back, heal, work on some lessons, do it

[once removed]

i dont think "no contact" is a term that applies when we are trying to resuscitate a relationship, or when a person has cut off contact with us. its a detaching tool to get space from someone we dont want to talk to.

in a romantic relationship, with someone pushing us away, i think of it as "giving space", or "not pursuing".

you have contact, youve been around each other. shes setting hard limits on the nature of that contact.

i think you were wise not to over pursue and leave things where they were. yes, its really important to respect the other partys space... .pursuing someone who has set limits or is distancing only results in them doing more of it.

[singularity]

Thank you for that.

I guess "Limited Contact" is where it is.  Let her have her space.  I'm here for now. 

I've decided that I can't control what she wants to do, if she wants to move on with someone else, that is ok, that will be my boundary.

Might be a good time for me to take a break, catch up with friends and do some of the things I have been neglecting.

[pearlsw]

Might be a good time for me to take a break, catch up with friends and do some of the things I have been neglecting.

Absolutely! I strongly encourage this!

What have you been neglecting may I ask?

sincerely, pearl.

[singularity]

Hey pearlsw

Things I've been neglecting seem to be my passion for astronomy (partly because of the weather here in western Canada, partly because I liked going out with her), hiking (we tended to hang out on the weekends), my dogs (same reason), friends (we still haven't started hanging out with each others friends), early morning gym (bit of complacency on my part, and a bit of late nights, umm "exercising"

Stuff like that. 

We seem to be on "friend" terms now, just the occasional text, but nothing like before.  I'm conflicted.  A part of me is angry (I think I am going through the 5 stages of grief), and a part of me is looking to bargain. 

Baby steps I guess.

[pearlsw]

Things I've been neglecting seem to be my passion for astronomy (partly because of the weather here in western Canada, partly because I liked going out with her), hiking (we tended to hang out on the weekends), my dogs (same reason), friends (we still haven't started hanging out with each others friends), early morning gym (bit of complacency on my part, and a bit of late nights, umm "exercising"

We seem to be on "friend" terms now, just the occasional text, but nothing like before.  I'm conflicted.  A part of me is angry (I think I am going through the 5 stages of grief), and a part of me is looking to bargain. 

Hey singularity,

Those sound like some fine interests to get yourself back into! Astronomy? How cool!

So, you want more than friendship or you are fine with friendship?

take care, pearl.

[singularity]

Hey pearlsw

Thank you... I always thought of my hobbies and interests as a bit geeky and weird.  And trust me, BC is not the place for being an astronomer with cloud cover for the larger part of the year. But looking up gives me an escape from this little blue bubble we live in.  There's so much out there.  I sometimes think that if I could imagine a landscape, it must exist somewhere out there.  But with no eyes to appreciate it.  There are stars being born, dying and entire worlds being created and destroyed.  And here I am wondering if the chemicals in someone else's brain is ever going to align in my favor.

Oops... wandered off there.

Funny thing... I realised that I've been going through the five stages of grief.  I was grieving for the loss of something so important to me, and I think the anger part of it completely set me straight and made me confront my feelings.  I know sometimes we say that we walk on eggshells for pwBPD, and its true. 

I am fine with being friends, however I realise that I am "black", that the very person I am disgusts her.  My bargaining portion of the 5 stages was telling me that I want to see her kids...   I'm beginning to accept that things may not ever be the same. 

We talk on occasion, especially whenever she feels like she needs to reach out.  Today I said hi, and we spoke for a few minutes, and I told her about my day.  She had asked me if I wanted to join her on the Pride parade and I was trying to get some sense of our weekend agenda.  She sort of blurted out "I don't want to talk.  I want whatever you want to happen naturally, to look forward to talking to you".  I said I only needed the time, and she told me.  And I said good night.

So to be honest I don't know where I am.  I don't want to give up, but I seem to be stuck in limbo right now, until she decides that she doesn't feel dislike/disgust when she talks to me.  Far from wanting to jump from one relationship to another, I am going to take some time out and just do my thing for now.  I have quite a busy month ahead, am organizing hikes, the annual Perseid meteor shower watch, walking my dogs, an anime convention that my daughter wants to go to, an 11 day trip to Japan coming up in less than 3 weeks and more. 

The uncertainty is what is making it difficult. 

[pearlsw]

Hey pearlsw

Thank you... I always thought of my hobbies and interests as a bit geeky and weird.  And trust me, BC is not the place for being an astronomer with cloud cover for the larger part of the year. But looking up gives me an escape from this little blue bubble we live in.  There's so much out there.  

And here I am wondering if the chemicals in someone else's brain is ever going to align in my favor.

Oops... wandered off there.

Funny thing... I realised that I've been going through the five stages of grief.  

The uncertainty is what is making it difficult.  

Hi singularity,

I hear ya! Living in limbo and dealing with uncertainty is incredibly painful! 

Focusing on all the great stuff you have going seems like a good strategy to try to reduce the pain. I DREAM of going to Japan and I am so excited for you! What are you hoping to see/do while there?

And your interest in Astronomy is very cool! Your opening description of "chemicals" was great! A lot of potential dates/friends would find that interesting too I imagine. I took a non-credit class on that post college and it was great, though I must admit I've forgotten a lot on the topic, but I'd take a class like that again in a heartbeat!

Keep focusing on what you have. Be grateful for you - you have you and you sound nice, interesting, fun! Did you go to the Pride parade? Have you seen her lately in person?

On this relationship stuff, why do you think she is disgusted by you? Did she say that directly? If so, ouch, I am sorry!

Oh wait, have you have heard of or seen that video the Powers of Ten? It's by the architects, Eames, I think, and is a video that anyone with an interest in Astronomy would find interesting. I used to watch this over and over when I felt like my problems were big to help make my problems feel small. It is a great video! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0fKBhvDjuy0

warmly, pearl.

[singularity]

  pearlsw

I've seen that powers of ten video... Its super cool, and mind boggling.  I like this one... https://youtu.be/cMx8MrAH_NQ - Just imagine, every pinprick of a dot on that video is a star like us.  And that's only OUR galaxy.  There are as many galaxies out there as pinpricks of light in that video. 

I am focusing on the good stuff.  The Pride parade is tomorrow morning and I am excited to go.  It will be fun.  I am keeping things light, no heavy stuff.

Today was good too.

She texted me today asking "what are you up to".  I didn't see the message, so I texted her only about 10 minutes later.  She didn't reply for about 20 minutes and then sent a message saying, "sorry, I changed my mind.  I don't want to talk, am in a sh*tty mood".  I replied saying I was there if she needed someone and left it at that.

About an hour later I sent her a text saying "would going for a walk with me make you feel better?" and she said "no but we could watch a movie on Netflix".   So I took some popcorn and we watched a funny movie "Keeping up with the Joneses" (very highly recommended).  We chatted for a bit, and she told me what is on her mind...   There is a lot.  uNPD ex husband making her life miserable using the kids... stuff like that. 

I let her talk it out...   I think it made her feel better.

I didn't talk relationships and I think she appreciated that.

Personally I have gotten over most of it - I think I reached "Acceptance".  I don't like to hold grudges - one never knows another's point of view - and I am just here as a friend.  I think she can use a friend right now, there's a lot going on in her mind.

The disgust seems to stem from a difference between us - energy and intensity.  She said that when she calls, I am so excited to hear from her, that I talk and ask her stuff or tell her about my day and she doesn't get a chance to calm down and tell me.  I think she wants to be the one who approaches me, rather than the other way around.  I can tell she likes me, the very fact that she is reaching out makes me feel that way - and she does enjoy my company.

I asked her if she could tell me more about her condition (so that I could be a better friend) and when I mentioned BPD, she said "I don't have BPD".  I, however have read her doctor's diagnosis (that she sent me) and that's what it says, so I am not sure if she is lying because she is worried that I will freak out, or if she thinks its something else.   She did tell me that she has something very dark and serious that she has never told anyone, and she told me what it was... so maybe that is progress.

Right now, I am just going to take it easy.  Life's too short to be selfish and just think of myself all the time.  I know I still love her, and am going to be there for her.  If she comes around, then that's ok.  If she doesn't, we'll be good friends.  I don't feel like I need to "move on" - if it happens, it happens.  I think that there are many shades of relationship...   we'll settle in slowly.

My trip to Japan is just myself and my 15 year old daughter.  We're going for 11 days and trying to visit as much as we can.  Tokyo, Kyoto, Hiroshima, Osaka...   Lots of places on my "list"

[blackorchid]

hey singularity,

so much of what you said resonated with me especially the bit about disgust...

thank you for that wonderful description of astronomy... .it was brilliant, think ill do some star gazing myself!

try as best as you can to enjoy your trip to Japan... .that too is on my top destination list. Dont let her ruin any of it and you never know whilst youre away, maybe she self-soothe quicker... .

[pearlsw]

 pearlsw

I've seen that powers of ten video... Its super cool, and mind boggling.  I like this one... https://youtu.be/cMx8MrAH_NQ - Just imagine, every pinprick of a dot on that video is a star like us. And that's only OUR galaxy.

I let her talk it out...  I think it made her feel better.

I didn't talk relationships and I think she appreciated that.

Personally I have gotten over most of it - I think I reached "Acceptance".

Hey singularity!  

Thanks for that great video.  

Oh yes, they often say is is not a good idea to talk with the person about having the illness. I know, it goes against our non brains, all that logic and reason and stuff. I talk about it as "emotional sensitivity" with my SO and that seems to work better.

Sounds like you are in a very strong and healthy place! I like how you were able to end up having a movie night. Sounds nice! That's nice too that you could communicate about the dynamic between you two and her wanting to be able to pursue you a bit, at her pace. Is that right? How do you feel about that?

I would recommend really taking the time to wrap your mind around the communication tools here - they can help with this even if it stays a friendship, and help with any other relationship you may have. I thought I was a good communicator when I crash landed here last year and it turns out I had to rethink everything! I had NO idea how invalidating I could be, how much I was rushing hm past his feelings. Oops!

wishing you the best, pearl.

p.s. What do you think the best planetariums are to visit? I've been to the Griffith Park one in L.A. and the Adler in Chicago, and others I am sure, but those two are pretty great. I saw a film at the latter once about what the ancient Egyptians would have seen when they looked up at the night sky and all these years later I wish I could see that again. Amazing!

p.s.s. Drop Japan details in when ya get back. I made my first trip to Asia recently, well, I'd been to Turkey, but even further into Asia, to China, and it was just incredible to be on that side of the world. Enjoy!

[singularity]

What a weekend... !

So after movie night on Saturday, we took things easy and I went home.

Sunday morning, I picked her up to take her to the Pride parade and out of habit as soon as she got in the car, I asked about grabbing breakfast etc... and she just gestured me to give her a few minutes.  Oops.  But once we were on the way she was chatty and talkative.  I had my daughter and her friend in the car as well.

We went downtown, had breakfast and then got to the parade.  The parade was fantastic, very fun, and she was actually on the float while I walked along on the other side.  After we were done, we met her parents, and got a bite to eat.  At the restaurant she sat next to me and we took a few selfies and stuff together, and while the kids were talking we talked a little.  She seemed to relax a little and towards the end, she said "so, you'll take things easy when we talk?" and I said "yes". 

Dropped her home and she suggested coming over yesterday (it was BC Day here, so we had a long weekend).  Yesterday she came over and my daughter and her made bath bombs, very light and easy going atmosphere.  We even went to the river and sat in it to escape some of the heat.

After my daughter went to my exes place (we switch on Monday evenings), we went for a movie, then grabbed dinner.  When I went to drop her we talked in the car, and she said that she "didn't want to hurt me again", and I said that that wasn't my worry.  That I wanted to be there for her and that I recognized that a lot of who she is is the illness. 

So I guess we're back together again, things are looking up and I think she is getting comfortable again.  I will keep in touch and stay on the forums a bit.  I will let her take some of the lead in approaching when she needs, I don't want to smother her again.

I did say that I was a very lucky guy, we've had a chance to fall for each other three times, which I think is amazing, not many people can say that they have fallen in love three times with the same person.

Thank you for all of your help, I am very grateful that you have been able to give me some understanding of her condition, and helped me realize that there's more to her than the occasional negative spell.

[pearlsw]

So I guess we're back together again, things are looking up and I think she is getting comfortable again.  I will keep in touch and stay on the forums a bit.  I will let her take some of the lead in approaching when she needs, I don't want to smother her again.

Hi singularity, 

I hope you do stick around! There are a lot of communication tools here worth studying and may go a long way towards keeping you two together and happier than you might be otherwise - just so ya know!

Breakups can be an unfortunate feature of these relationships so this may not be the last one - just a heads up!

Have you read this information or about any of these tools yet?

Supporting Your BPD Partner

The Do’s and Dont’s of BPD Relationships

Validation

These relationships can be tough so please think of us as an extra part of your support system! We're here!

take care, pearl.