My ex and I are talking again (continued)

[whiteknight4152]

You are both so right. In the last day, I’ve taken my phone and it on do not disturb and haven’t talked to anyone. I know this may hurt some people, but i had to step away from all of it, people, social media, etc. at the moment I’m only talking to you all. I feel better than I have in the last 10 months by doing for this. I’ve been thinking very hard on my drive home in solitude. Knowing that if we are meant to be , we WILL be. That is comforting and exilirating in my book. If fate has it she comes back to me, she WILL. I believe that. I have been watching Corey Wayne’s videos and they scream truth, and the mistakes I’ve made before taking your advice. I just arrived home, I’m going to continue to stay solitude away from everybody and social media for a while longer. I need to emotionally recharge. I’m going to see two of my close friends tonight since I’ve been gone for a month to catch up with them, since I don’t want to be on my phone.Hopefully my actions speak loudly enough to her.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pearlsw]

Hi whiteknight4152,

Just wanted to check in and see how you are doing. How are you feeling today?

How did your visit with friends go? 

sincerely, pearl.

[whiteknight4152]

So yesterday, I had my phone off so I didn’t receive any texts till I got home. Turned it on and had two messages from her. Both saying “If you have someone that wants to go with you to ACL the second weekend just let me know and they can have my ticket for whatever it cost. (Music festival we bought tickets for in October). I replied, “you don’t want to go anymore... ” she replied, I wanted to go the first weekend anyway. I just don’t see a point now.” I replied “I would still like to experience that event with you. But if you don’t want to, I respect that.“ she replied, “I’m not making any decisions right now. I can’t return the ticket so I’m just out that much. So just start asking if anyone wants to go with you then let me know. If not, I’ll figure something out.“ I replied “ Yup you shouldn’t have to make any decisions right now. Just go with the flow & think things over later. made it home. She replied “good.”

Did I do alright? I think that I was respectful of what she wanted and agreed with her to make her feel in control. Once I said “if you don’t want to I respect that, she said well I’m not making any decisions right now. She could’ve just said no, so that’s a plus. Her friend hit me up last night and we talked for a little bit. They went for a walk to get her out of the house and she was just telling her friend that everything is a mess, her life is a mess, her house is a mess. And she was telling her about that other guy she started talking to while I was gone. Saying that she told him she didn’t have any expectations between them and she doesn’t really care. So idk if that’s good or bad for my case. On one hand, she doesn’t really cares what happens between them, on another, she preaches she wants to be alone, won’t be with someone I know she has deep love for, but chooses some random persons time instead. Got to see my friends last night so that was fun.

[CluelessNomore]

Hey Whiteknight,

In my personal experience, solitude when going through a break-up can do more harm than good. I need the input of others. If I'm alone, I can get stuck in my own head and re-hash the past or imagine fantasies about the future. Both are very harmful to me. Breaking from socail media - 100% yes. But I still like the input of good friends.

I have realized that I have been blessed with today. I have been able to say goodbye to my ex in my heart... .that doesn't mean that the pain is completely gone, but here's the most important part of what it does: It has made my happiness and contentment NOT dependent upon another person. Because I can only control ME.

Lemme ask you this, and I'm not trying to give advice, just wondering a few things based on what you've said.
- Why do you want a woman back who has so much control over your happiness?
- Why do you want a woman back whose life is a mess? Why would you invite that into your life?
- What if you were able to find happiness and contentment without her? Would that be a better path?
- What do you REALLY want in life?

[CryWolf]

Hey man, first off the lineup for Sunday isn’t crazy! Illenium, arctic monkeys, Travis Scott and childish? Yoo. I would def go alone and make the best of it. You will regret it later down the road. I regret not going to so many shows, because of times of me and my ex.

I’m going to self project here and tell you what I went through my breakup. Hopefully it resonates with you somewhere.

My ex and I broke up around my bday. Back in late November. I didn’t do so well on my finals. I was miserable during the holidays. And New Years. She ignored me but continued to talk mess about me on her blog. Every morning I wake up and felt immense separation anxiety. We talked so much and now nothing. My phone was dry. No one was messaging me. I used to check it constantly. Hoping it was her. Nothing. Everytime I check.  Nothing. This took a huge toll on mental health. I felt worthless. I placed on my value on her.

I checked into therapy at my school. I dropped some classes because I couldn’t think. All I did was think of her. I stayed in YouTube and all I did was watch YouTube videos about relationships, anxious attachment styles, dating, mental disorders. I drowned in it. I needed answers.

I forced myself to go out after a while. It wasn’t healthy staying at home. I was drinking a bottle of wine every weekend. Weeknds were Terrible for me plus the traffic flow on this site during the weekends was slow so there was no one to soothe my anxiety when I posted. I learned I had to stop relying on others to soothe me. I had to do it myself. I had no friends. All I had was this website. And that’s okay. I Came here and posted. I read others stories and related.

I started going to the gym again. People from the gym who you least expect made me hang out with them when all I wanted to do was go back in bed and cry and be miserable.

Slowly but surely. Things got better. It ___ing sucked. It’s going to suck. Whether whatever happens. Whether you get her back or not, you need to be OKAY with any outcome. This will make you succeed in anything in life.

You don’t need social media. It’s onay to break off from it. I did as well. People are depressed by it. And it’s all of ___.

Your text message encounter with her was okay. But it seems like she has a lot of the control right now.

Try to back off and act a little indifferent. But not an ass.
You’re letting her dictate your emotions. This is not attractive nor healthy. If she said she doesn’t want to go or doesn’t know, just say “that’s fine”, I understand”

Let her curiosity build. Let her wonder about you. Not everything is about her. Ask how I know. 

Take a couple weeks if you have to to be alone. Cry if you need to. Get drunk and listen to sad songs if you need to. Watch the notebook if you got to.

But get out again. Force yourself to go place alone. I did. And it helped me incredibly. Even though she was still on my mind. It put me in new situations and encounters. I met so many better people and girls after my breakup. Be open to anything.

Go to that festival. Show her you are capable of having fun and living life without her. This is very attractive. Take a female friend or guy friend if you have to.

Live your best life. With or without her.

I know all you want right now is to make it work. It’s normal. Put yourself in a situation now where she sees you as a prize and best option for her. Don’t chase or pull anymore. Let her come to you. It’s going to be hard. Very hard

[whiteknight4152]

3 days complete no contact with her. She hasn’t deleted me from Snapchat or our Pinterest boards. Her friend is keeping me updated on her and how she’s doing (I know I’m trying to limit that contact as little as possible but we both see how much of a rut she’s in and how she’s directing herself to everybody around her) I asked her friend if she was still talking to that other guy and she says “I think she stopped talking to him because somehow kids and family got brought up and he explained how he wanted kids and a family and how she didn’t want that nor could she have children and I guess that ended it right there. She wasn’t sure still if they were still talking or not. None of my business anyways. She’s her own woman she can do what she wants. I’ve been watching a lot of Corey Wayne videos like you all recommended and can see so many mistakes I’ve made by watching over and over. Hopefully I can rise from this turmoil and find my masculine alpha self again. One that will portray confidence to her. I plan on staying no contact completely unless she contacts me. With the ticket thing, my brother wants to buy the ticket already, but I don’t want to initiate that deal just yet because I’m curious what she will do in the next 2 weeks. Being August 21st is my bday, my gut tells me she’s going to reach out to me in some manner, maybe trying to smooth things over. If she doesn’t give me anything contact wise after that date, I’ll just cut my losses. She can keep my gifts and personal belongings, I’ll just charge it to the game. I need her to realize that I’m serious. The last serious conversation we had over text I told her I would never force her to do anything again. I need her to know I’m serious. I am still posting on social media, but never look at social media. I usually post, then turn my phone off. I’m enjoying my time away from everything on my phone. I went to see my therapist yesterday, and she basically told me I need to run . She said I was doing good by starting to utilize what you guys give me here. I’m not going to run, but I’m not going to wait. If she wants me she will come to me. For someone being the love of your life, I shouldn’t have to chase to get you back. I shouldn’t have to force my love onto anyone, and I won’t any longer. If she wants me I’m here, but I will not walk on eggshells anymore, and I will not be taken advantage of just because I’m a genuine kind man. There are so many women out there who want to be around me but I just brush them off because of my love for her. That being said, I hope she does reach out to me around my bday to mull things over and see where we stand; that’s what my friends tell me she’s going to do. Also, she still hasn’t gotten my things back to me yet or told me to pick them up somewhere, so why was she so adiment about that when I was in another state, and now that I’m home, she hasn’t said anything? Because she doesn’t actually  want me gone? Seems logical to me. She is the object of my hearts desire, but I can live without her.

[whiteknight4152]

I know all you want right now is to make it work. It’s normal. Put yourself in a situation now where she sees you as a prize and best option for her. Don’t chase or pull anymore. Let her come to you. It’s going to be hard. Very hard

So far I’ve successfully went around 4 days without talking to her. I know that’s not a lot, but completely going no contact with her for that long and not needing to message her to confirm she’ll still respond to me is a big step

[whiteknight4152]

Her friend just sent me a screen shot of my ex and that guy she started talking to when I left for work. They took a selfie together and she posted it to her Instagram. Her friend said that was probably why I was blocked

[whiteknight4152]

Doing better today. The past two days have been rough. I got put on new medicine so I’ve been a zombie and had to leave work early yesterday. This weekend I’m going to hang out with my brother and one of my other friends so that’ll be good. Still haven’t heard from her, 6 days no contact. Haven’t had any urge to contact her either after seeing that picture of her with another guy. She’s just not in a good place. I can’t help that, SHE has to want more and better for herself first. That’s the long game. If we are meant to be together, it’ll happen, but she’ll have to EARN me back. I’m not pursuing or chasing someone who has done me wrong.

What’s crazy is, is she’s doing the same thing she did when we originally broke up. If you read my original thread, she just up and blocked me on everything, then I got to the house and tried to talk to her and she made me out to be crazy and telling me she doesn’t feel safe anymore, will never look at me the same, can’t leave her doors unlocked, etc. (whilst already back with her abusive ex) she said all those things to justify what she was doing so she wasn’t the bad guy.


Fast forward to today, when she sent me that text before I left Wyoming, —“once you were disrespectful in the manner of just showing up, my feelings were forever altered, I will never look at you the same. All you give me is anger and anxiety.”

All I did was knock on her door to tell her I loved her (back in February)
But she used that to justify talking to this new guy. So I look like the bad guy and she’s fine.

She’s what my heart desires, but if she does come back, she’ll have to prove herself to me. I’m not walking on eggshells anymore. And honestly, if I’m painted black now, If she does contact me again, I would rather give her a wake up call about how she’s treating everyone who loves her. It might ruin my chances with her forever, but it’s not right for her to go around making everyone sad and using them like this. She’s making her friends and family cry. Everyone’s to afraid to tell her because they don’t want to rock the boat.  I know it’s not my place to help her, but that’s what i am at the core. A helper and healer. Just like the girl I met in class a year ago. Hopefully, that girl is still in there.

[whiteknight4152]

So yesterday I received a message (just a meme) on Pinterest from her. It being just a meme I thought it was very random since she hasn’t spoken to me. I messaged her friend and asked her if she may have accidentally sent it to her. And she’s like let me check, and she did send it to her as well at 5:41, but then to me at 5:42. Idk if she meant to send this to me, but I didn’t respond to it. This morning has been tough so far as all I’ve wanted to do is contact her in some form or fashion, but I haven’t.

[CryWolf]

Hey buddy how’s everything going?

I know you want any form of connection with your ex by asking mutual friends but I think long term this is unhealthy. It keeps you connected and not let you move on in a sense. You analyze every little thing and her actions. I did this as well.

My ex also had a pattern when breaking up. She would paint me black, I believe this was to make breaking up easier and hurt her less. I’m not sure.

You say she sent you a meme, I don’t think this was on accident. This was low risk message so she wouldn’t feel ashamed or embarrassed if you didn’t respond. My ex would do the same. I would get pics of things from Facebook that I’m interested in or screenshots. And we talk again like nothing ever happened.

This whole process is going to hurt. Are you still going to the festival?

[whiteknight4152]

Hey buddy how’s everything going?

I know you want any form of connection with your ex by asking mutual friends but I think long term this is unhealthy. It keeps you connected and not let you move on in a sense. You analyze every little thing and her actions. I did this as well.

My ex also had a pattern when breaking up. She would paint me black, I believe this was to make breaking up easier and hurt her less. I’m not sure.

You say she sent you a meme, I don’t think this was on accident. This was low risk message so she wouldn’t feel ashamed or embarrassed if you didn’t respond. My ex would do the same. I would get pics of things from Facebook that I’m interested in or screenshots. And we talk again like nothing ever happened.

This whole process is going to hurt. Are you still going to the festival?

Today her friend told me who the guy was and I looked him up on social media and he posted 3 pictures with her 30 mins prior. She hasn’t contacted me since we talked about it. Also hasn’t said anything about getting my things. So I don’t know if that’s her way of reeling me back in when she thinks she’s ready or whatever. Should I start to put my walls up to her and start losing the idea that this is going to work and just move on?

[blackorchid]

Hey I didn’t catch your first post so I don’t know how long this has been going on. I just wanted to say try and do what’s best for you and stay sane. Easier said than done. Week 6 without my boyf and he’s split me back. I can see through Instagram that he’s with other girls. And it’s driving me insane. I need to also not over analyze everything and know how hard it is. Try to do things that take your mind off it