If your BPD could sincerely apologize, what would he/she say to help you heal?

[zachira]

Those of us who have a person with BPD in our lives, often long for a sincere apology for all the hurt he/she has caused us. If your relative with BPD could sincerely apologize, show he/she truly understands how you have been hurt by their behaviors, what would he/she say that would truly be healing and perhaps allow you to forgive him/her?

[Learning2Thrive]

Those of us who have a person with BPD in our lives, often long for a sincere apology for all the hurt he/she has caused us. If your relative with BPD could sincerely apologize, show he/she truly understands how you have been hurt by their behaviors, what would he/she say that would truly be healing and perhaps allow you to forgive him/her?

If only my mother could reach this point and for it to be real, I would wish for her to say and follow through:

I own what I did and I am responsible for it. Despite the many ways I hurt you, you have become a good and kind person. I am willing to do the work to heal myself.

  L2T

[Pina colada]

Ah unfortunately I can not answer.  My sister has apologized.  She seemed so sincere and remorseful.  I apologized for my role in our relationship.  We talked.  We made "rules".  We agreed that if one of us were feeling very anxious we would, in kindness say "I need a time out".  Then the person taking a timeout would connect again in a couple of days... .and so on.  Unfortunately my sisters actions don't align with her words/apology.  She can not maintain and went right back into her old behavior which is sending me text after text after text.  Informing me how she feels, what I have done wrong and reminding me not to respond as I am now blocked and if something should get through sh won't read it or take a call.  She has done this over and over again... .What do you do with that?  So, with her, I feel she is incapable of taking ownership of her behavior and truly trying to make amends. 

[zachira]

Pina Colada,
The question is if the apology were sincere and the person with BPD really understood how he/she hurt you and wants to make amends. I know this is a hard question to answer because a person with BPD can rarely apologize and show he/she means it by changing their behaviors, as seems to be the case with your sister. I know I frequently have fantasized about feeling better because the person who hurt me sincerely made amends. It can be healing to make up the apology you would like to hear, and/or it can just bring up more of the frustration that the person with BPD will never be able to apologize or change their behaviors for the better. Thank you for your reply and perspective. I had not though of an answer likes yours, and it makes perfect sense that answering this question would not be healing instead a reminder of how things do not likely seem to be going to change between you and your sister, at least for now. Thank you for taking the time to post.

[Highlander]

My H had BPD for the first 8 years of our relationship.  Since his recovery just over 4 years ago, he has often sincerely apologised saying “I'm so sorry I put you through all of that”.  I always accept his apology but try to remind him that it was never his fault he contracted BPD in the first place and I am just glad he accepted his dx and worked hard to recover.  In this circumstance, it feels like a spouse saying “I'm so sorry for my cancer”.   

On the other hand for what my BPD/NPD MIL has done to me, no apology, nor begging (never going to happen anyway) could ever, ever allow me to forgive her, not even if she was sincere, (again - never going to happen anyway).

[Harri]

what would he/she say that would truly be healing and perhaps allow you to forgive him/her?

"Harri, I was wrong.  I lied to you.  You are not evil and in fact you should have been scared of me not the other way around."

If healing means letting go I think this would help speed the process up a bit.

As for forgiveness?  epends on your definition.  Mine means I do not walk around with rage and hatred and wishing for vengeance on my parents.  Rather, my forgiveness allows me to still be angry without guilt when it rises up within me.

Good question zachira.  Thank you

[LeneLu]

Although I know it will never happen, I should prepare for it.  Otherwise I will accept something less than what I deserve.  I am sure many of you can relate to accepting minor gestures to relieve the pain.  Of course the irony of this is that this whole phase of NC was triggered by my BPDsis saying that I didn't offer up a sincere enough apology... .for accidentally turning the lights out on her.

Having said that, my T and I just discussed that I cannot re-engage with my BPDsis unless she is in therapy herself.

But, to answer the question, I guess it would have to include "Wow, I never knew... ." or "I can see how when I said X you felt Y."

[JNChell]

“We are so sorry. We were so wrapped up in our own delusions. You didn’t deserve what we dealt you. You didn’t deserve that pain. We understand why you were so angry at us. We gave you a rough childhood. We adopted you. Our childhoods were rough as well. Are you willing now to have the discussion that you asked for years ago? We’re sorry and we want to give that to you. We want you to know that you didn’t deserve our anger. You were innocent. You were a child.

[Harri]

Are you willing now to have the discussion that you asked for years ago?

JNChell, what did you want to talk with them about?

[JNChell]

Hi, Harri, and thank you for asking. When I was 21 I confronted them about all of the abuse. And I mean every tidbit that I could remember. I wasn’t nice about it. They flat out denied it all. They acted so surprised and that they couldn’t understand where it all was coming from. I left their house feeling terrified. I questioned my self. “id I really imagine it all? Am I crazy?” Gaslighting at it’s finest.   I never got the acknowledgement and apology that I so desperately wanted. That part really screwed me up when they died. The good news is I’ve taken acknowledgement of myself. I’m here, I’m in therapy and I’m trying. Hopefully one day soon the past will simply be the past. Thanks, Harri. 

[Harri]

Thanks for answering JNChell.     I am sorry they could not see their own actions.  But I am so impressed and proud of you for speaking up.  I think there is healing just from saying no, you were wrong or whatever you need to say *regardless of whether it is received or how it may be received*.  We 'kids of' spend so much time burying and stuffing our feelings and not giving voice to our experiences that when it does come out, it can be very healing.  It also can come out as yelling and rage... .but I'm okay with that.  Hearing yourself saying the words and standing up for yourself is what is important.  The rest can be handled and worked on later.

Good for you JNChell.

[Pilpel]

 I've asked this question to myself several times.  So what would it take for me to feel a sense of resolution?  She would have to show some real deep honesty and humility about herself.  She would have to look at history and view it in a completely flip way, where she is the primary offender.  She would have to view every time she raged and FOGged from the point of view of other people, rather than from the view of herself being the victim.  For me personally, I'd like to hear her say that she realizes that I'm really not the bad person she has made me out to be.  That she realizes how difficult she has been to be around.

But I really don't think that's going to happen.  I used to view her as having a mental illness.  But I don't any more.  I view her more as someone who just thinks completely different.  

[I_Am_The_Fire]

There is nothing my ex could say, actually. I believe that an apology is more for the person giving the apology. I used to think I needed an apology from him in order for me to have closure and to move on. I don't need or want it. If he did apologize, I would question his sincerity anyway.

During marriage counseling, I sincerely apologized to him for my part in the failure of our marriage and so on. He never accepted it. He claims I never apologized. That it never happened. Since then he periodically demands (I'm not exaggerating) that I apologize to him for various things he brings up. I refuse to apologize to for something I didn't do and/or that I'm not sincere about. IMO, a forced apology is meaningless.

[Pilpel]

I just had a moment yesterday that I thought related to this topic. 

I've had a few weird conversations/emails with my NPD SIL in the past few months.  A few months ago it was an eggshell laden email, which I still haven't responded to.  And last week it was a tense and paranoid phone call.  Yesterday, I get a voice mail from her, and she sounded very pleasant and she asked me to call back.  And I had this thought, "What if she came to realize how self-centered her expectations were in our last few interactions, and she was calling to apologize?" 

And I thought - how would I respond to an apology?  Would it give me hope that things can get better with our relationship?  Maybe.  But at this point what would a better relationship look like?  Even if we really came to a genuine reconciliation, and she made an effort to curb her expectations and temper around me,  I don't think we really enjoy each other's company.  We don't have much in common. There is so much water under this bridge and the bridge has been burned so badly, could a spontaneous apology really change much at this point?  I don't think I want her to spontaneously apologize. 

Of course, she didn't call to apologize.  She called to ask me to do something. 


BTW, I clarify spontaneous apology as something she comes to on her own, as opposed to an apology that's she's cornered into. 

[JNChell]

Hi, Pilpel. Your post really resonated with me. Especially the what would an apology look like comment. This really has me thinking. I’ve heard it asked in many different posts about “what would (fill in the blank) look like? My T has even asked me this on occasion. It’s never really clicked with me until reading your post. In my case, as it sounds in yours, I’m not sure that an apology would’ve meant much when we consider that it would most likely need to be solicited. I attempted to solicit an acknowledgement and apology from my parents 20 years ago. I was gaslighted and left the engagement questioning my sanity.

This is the PSI board, but I’m going to bring my ex into this post because it is spot on with what you’re getting at. Not long before the final split, we were in couples counseling. In one of the last sessions, apologizing became a topic of discussion. When it was her turn, I had to prompt and coach her through the things that I thought she should be sorry for. I had to ask, “are you sorry for... .?” Her response, “yes”, through multiple issues and mistreatments. She was unable to identify and genuinely apologize for some pretty messed up stuff. She couldn’t see it. Had we not been sitting in front of a LCSW, she would’ve raged and ran, or dissociated. The T was awful BTW, but that’s a different discussion. Thanks for getting my gears turning with your insight.

[Pilpel]

JNChell, glad to help get the gears turning.  When it comes to my SIL, I really don't like apologies.  And I have resisted situations that needed apologies, because from the very beginning she has viewed me as the offender and she has viewed me as the one needing to be sorry to her.  And she always manages to offend my sense of kindness and justice.  And while she's had moments --after being pushed to it--where she seems to have sincerely apologized and she seems to show some self-awareness of her "problem," it doesn't take much until she's back to square one.  While she's been pushed to apologize a few times, I've never actually asked for an apology.  I guess because apologies seem to cheap in this relationship.  It's just words and no substance. 

But yesterday I had a moment of wondering what if she wanted to get a hold of me because she wanted to apologize to me.  And what if it was a genuine apology?  I tried to put myself in that situation, and it didn't feel right to me.  It was kind of a weird thing to contemplate.  It really was.  Weirder than what our reality has been so far. 

[Fie]

"I am sorry and I will do better from now on."

I'm not saying I would believe it though ... .

I personally never dream of apologies, since I know it's not going to happen. I would probably only be giving myself false hope.

[alphabeta]

Hi Zachira,

I have given this some thought regarding my mother.

After an outburst, in which she threatened suicide (multiple times over a period of 36 hours) and to kill my wife, she told me the next day she was sorry for what she put me through and that she would be mindful of my needs and boundaries.

I accepted it and had lunch with her a few days later.  However, I was still quite frazzled, and did not feel completely comfortable around her.

On the following day, she came over to my home after work to bring my son a present (for being a "party pooper" of a grandmother).  I said we could go out to eat together and that it would be my treat.  However, she thought this meant she could also sleep over at my house, and when I said I didn't feel comfortable with this, she had another outburst.  This included saying that I was a cruel person, a terrible father, and was driving her towards suicide.

Needless to say, I have gotten more and more skeptical of her apologies.  Now, I ignore them and want actions instead of words -- if a therapist sees that my BPD/NPD mother is changing, then let them tell me.

[zachira]

The question is if your BPD could sincerely apologize. The issue is a BPD can rarely sincerely apologize yet we often long to hear a sincere apology from the person who has hurt us so badly. So what would you want to hear in a sincere apology if it were possible? What words and actions might help you to heal, even if they came from another person who was not the BPD that harmed you? Some of us heal from hearing others recognize the pain that the BPD has caused us. Is there such a person in your life, and what has that person said and/or done to help you heal?

[Woolspinner2000]

As zachira said,

The issue is a BPD can rarely sincerely apologize yet we often long to hear a sincere apology from the person who has hurt us so badly... .Some of us heal from hearing others recognize the pain that the BPD has caused us.

Validation is what I think I need to hear, something like this:

Wools, I am so very very sorry that you had to go through the trauma and abuse that you did as a child of a borderline. It has wounded and scarred you, leaving a hurt and broken hearted little child inside of you who has longed for the touch of kindness and love that has been so lacking in your life. I grief with you all the losses that have come as a result, and my heart cries tears right alongside of yours as you walk through this journey to healing. I will stick with you and walk beside you and will be there and not abandon you. You are worth loving and getting to know.

 

[Body&Soul]

To just have my sister apologize, and follow through with what she says would be astounding. I don't think she has ever apologized, for anything. To hear her say the words helps greatly, and I hope that someday I can hear her say them and our relationship isn't too far gone. But as of now, I don't think I'm ever going to get one.

[Harri]

Wools, is that validation you would want from your parents or is it someone else?

Body&Soul, yes, those words 'I'm sorry" are so simple and so powerful when said sincerely.  

[sewconfused]

On the other hand for what my BPD/NPD MIL has done to me, no apology, nor begging (never going to happen anyway) could ever, ever allow me to forgive her, not even if she was sincere, (again - never going to happen anyway).

I've only recently become aware that what I'm dealing with is an undiagnosed BPD/NPD MIL, but I'm already in agreement with Highlander. I don't ever expect her to apologize sincerely. I do fully expect her to insincerely apologize in order to restore everything to some sort of status quo, but I will never trust her.

What I care most about is an apology for how she projected herself on me and told my husband such horrific lies and caused him to question my character and integrity. That's the hurt I have to heal from.

Sew Confused

[sewconfused]

The issue is a BPD can rarely sincerely apologize yet we often long to hear a sincere apology from the person who has hurt us so badly.

Some of us heal from hearing others recognize the pain that the BPD has caused us.

This is where I'm at right now. My husband is struggling to accept and grasp that his mother is an undiagnosed BPD, he's struggling to read the books our therapist has suggested and he's resistant to an extent to talk about it. He wants to just ignore it and focus on self care. Which is good, I guess, but I'm left worrying about how ill equipped he is to deal with any of it and hoping beyond hope that the MIL stays at bay until he has the information and some coping skills for dealing with her.

But I do agree with Wools and Zachira, what I most need and want right now for my own healing is just for him to acknowledge that his mother hurt me and validate that HE doesn't believe her lies.

[Woolspinner2000]

Harri,

The things I wrote definitely apply to what I would have loved to hear from my uBPDm. I won't, and even if she were alive, I would never have heard such a thing from her. It's unrealistic, as others have said, and validation is pretty big for all of us.

 
Wools