Still feeling sad about breakup

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Hi everyone I am new to this board. Or actually not... When I was still in the relationship, I would read alot on this board and it helped me. Sorry if I make some spelling mistakes, but english is not my native language.

Anyway I was in a 1.5 Year relationship. With a girlfriend (26F) who was diagnosed with BPD disorder. When I met her she already was hospitalised because she tried to commit suicide 2 times in a period of 2 months. This was in December, we started chatting/meeting in Februari 2017. I was always the chill/lightweight guy (30M) cool about everything, pretty positive and very confident man. I did enjoy my own company, had no fears being alone with myself.  and thought hey everybody makes mistakes, lets give it a go. But I didnt knew what borderline was. We hit off pretty good and I fell in love very fast (probably the mirroring, putting me on a pedestal). Untill later in the relationship there were a lot of things I couldnt understand my mind was going crazy. Like if you had a fight, she would ran off, or didnt look me in the eyes and straight up ignored me, wouldnt talk. It was the emotional rollercoaster of my life. I broke up with her after 4 months, the drama, the depression, the no need for sex was becoming myself too much. But she still keeped contact and called me eventually we met up and were back together (I got pulled back in again). It took a while before I saw all the signs of BPD. Now the problem was the first time in treatment she had to leave because she couldnt afford it anymore... The first months were great offcourse (First three I think).We never lived together because our dogs couldnt get a long. So we saw each other over the weekends and maybe 1 day midweek. She always played the victim and overreacted when something happened to her.

 She was the introvert BPD. Always avoiding stuff acting out cold emotionless, and not telling me she was severely depressed through out the week. She was heavily abused as a child. So I understand the suffering. I tried a lot of times to break-up. I knew it was for the best. But she would threaten to do suicide, Lock her up in my house with a lot of pills. One time even ran off and called me "Im in the train-station now, train is coming goodbye". But those were small breakups maybe one day or 2. I always felt guilty and in the beginning thought I was her savior, that I could maker her better. Co-Dependant maybe. But later on i learned a lot on this board. And thought myself i cant help her, its up to her to be happy again and heal. Now this last one its been a month (with almost 2weeks NC) that we had a huge breakup. This time it was her that broke things off (was really surprised she left me), We had a few fights before, she left a note before I even could get home from work to talk to her. I called her but she told me it was the best (this was the first time she left me). She offcourse said in the letter, because of all the fights, and her being unstable that I deserved better.  She told me the day before she thought about suicde again, even killing her dog so she had her dog go with her. I was shocked. Why she wouldnt communicate she was so depressed, maybe fear of me being thrown off. I really loved this girl with all my heart and soul. She never cheated on me, as far as i know. After the first week of the break up she went to treatment again asking if i would visit her. I told her its not a good idea to meet again. She really left me devastated and heartbroken like i never felt before. The next messages were always about her, telling it sucked with the therapies, the people sucked in treatment and so on... She never once asked me how are you doing. Only a few messages, that I would be the one moving on fast, dating fast and stuff. I answered her, no probably you because you need to fill that empty void. I broke NC offcourse. The last thing she send was something stupid about a tv show. I replied whats up with the small talk... What are you trying to do, are you trying to tell me something. She got upset and told me no you ? I said no stop texting... She told me Ok message received. We blocked each other on social media after the break up. So now its been two weeks with no contact. I heard she is out the mental hospital only after two weeks. Dont think the treatment has helped a lot... My mind is spinning, is she going to use drugs again, sleep with another guy to cope with the loneliness (that would really hurt because she had flashbacks of the abuse the last weeks with me, probably why she had it so hard and was so depressed) . Feels like so much pain right now. Tried to do as much possible with friends and do hobbies, but I still dream of her everyday, my mind is going insane. I know this relationship is not healthy all the drama, insecurities on her side, the forced sex with me( cant blame her offcourse knowing her past), the overal rollercoaster that really messed me up. Feels like im a broken man now. That even cant get his mind off her. Like it seems she already moved on. This is the longest with no contact. I hope time will heal. Because I feel like crap nowadays. Im actually glad my vacation is almost over so I can work again, and have my mind occupied with other things... Anxiety levels are going through the roof. I thought I would find peace again, not walking on eggshels. Hoping she has a good day.  It feels like my life is even worse now... I want to be that confident guy once again wo whas happy in life and not this F'ed up. Friends do support me but dont understand what it is to go through something like this.

[FrawnedUpon]

Hi everyone I am new to this board. Or actually not... When I was still in the relationship, I would read alot on this board and it helped me. Sorry if I make some spelling mistakes, but english is not my native language.

Anyway I was in a 1.5 Year relationship. With a girlfriend (26F) who was diagnosed with BPD disorder. When I met her she already was hospitalised because she tried to commit suicide 2 times in a period of 2 months. This was in December, we started chatting/meeting in Februari 2017. I was always the chill/lightweight guy (30M) cool about everything, pretty positive and very confident man. I did enjoy my own company, had no fears being alone with myself.  and thought hey everybody makes mistakes, lets give it a go. But I didnt knew what borderline was. We hit off pretty good and I fell in love very fast (probably the mirroring, putting me on a pedestal). Untill later in the relationship there were a lot of things I couldnt understand my mind was going crazy. Like if you had a fight, she would ran off, or didnt look me in the eyes and straight up ignored me, wouldnt talk. It was the emotional rollercoaster of my life. I broke up with her after 4 months, the drama, the depression, the no need for sex was becoming myself too much. But she still keeped contact and called me eventually we met up and were back together (I got pulled back in again). It took a while before I saw all the signs of BPD. Now the problem was the first time in treatment she had to leave because she couldnt afford it anymore... The first months were great offcourse (First three I think).We never lived together because our dogs couldnt get a long. So we saw each other over the weekends and maybe 1 day midweek. She always played the victim and overreacted when something happened to her.

 She was the introvert BPD. Always avoiding stuff acting out cold emotionless, and not telling me she was severely depressed through out the week. She was heavily abused as a child. So I understand the suffering. I tried a lot of times to break-up. I knew it was for the best. But she would threaten to do suicide, Lock her up in my house with a lot of pills. One time even ran off and called me "Im in the train-station now, train is coming goodbye". But those were small breakups maybe one day or 2. I always felt guilty and in the beginning thought I was her savior, that I could maker her better. Co-Dependant maybe. But later on i learned a lot on this board. And thought myself i cant help her, its up to her to be happy again and heal. Now this last one its been a month (with almost 2weeks NC) that we had a huge breakup. This time it was her that broke things off (was really surprised she left me), We had a few fights before, she left a note before I even could get home from work to talk to her. I called her but she told me it was the best (this was the first time she left me). She offcourse said in the letter, because of all the fights, and her being unstable that I deserved better.  She told me the day before she thought about suicde again, even killing her dog so she had her dog go with her. I was shocked. Why she wouldnt communicate she was so depressed, maybe fear of me being thrown off. I really loved this girl with all my heart and soul. She never cheated on me, as far as i know. After the first week of the break up she went to treatment again asking if i would visit her. I told her its not a good idea to meet again. She really left me devastated and heartbroken like i never felt before. The next messages were always about her, telling it sucked with the therapies, the people sucked in treatment and so on... She never once asked me how are you doing. Only a few messages, that I would be the one moving on fast, dating fast and stuff. I answered her, no probably you because you need to fill that empty void. I broke NC offcourse. The last thing she send was something stupid about a tv show. I replied whats up with the small talk... What are you trying to do, are you trying to tell me something. She got upset and told me no you ? I said no stop texting... She told me Ok message received. We blocked each other on social media after the break up. So now its been two weeks with no contact. I heard she is out the mental hospital only after two weeks. Dont think the treatment has helped a lot... My mind is spinning, is she going to use drugs again, sleep with another guy to cope with the loneliness (that would really hurt because she had flashbacks of the abuse the last weeks with me, probably why she had it so hard and was so depressed) . Feels like so much pain right now. Tried to do as much possible with friends and do hobbies, but I still dream of her everyday, my mind is going insane. I know this relationship is not healthy all the drama, insecurities on her side, the forced sex with me( cant blame her offcourse knowing her past), the overal rollercoaster that really messed me up. Feels like im a broken man now. That even cant get his mind off her. Like it seems she already moved on. This is the longest with no contact. I hope time will heal. Because I feel like crap nowadays. Im actually glad my vacation is almost over so I can work again, and have my mind occupied with other things... Anxiety levels are going through the roof. I thought I would find peace again, not walking on eggshels. Hoping she has a good day.  It feels like my life is even worse now... I want to be that confident guy once again wo whas happy in life and not this F'ed up. Friends do support me but dont understand what it is to go through something like this.

[Wickit]

I'm going trough exactly the same right now and I feel every word you say. In my case I broke up my 1,5 year relationship 8 months ago and we tried to get back together a few times too. Now 6 weeks of NC and I believe she allready found someone new which is killing me.

I'm seeing a therapist next week because I can't make sense of it all. I wish you all the best mate!

[FrawnedUpon]

Thanks Mate since the breakup i did not contact once, she always initiated. Today im feeling really bad, I almost texted. I have a date this evening, not really feeling it though... I dont know what to do i feel so sad and alone. We tried back several times, it will end probably the same. Why do I keep dreaming about her and cant let go... I was a few pictures again i set away at my google drive. It really hurts...

[RomanticFool]

Hi FrawnedUpon amd Wickit,

Welcome to the boards both of you. I am sorry you are both going through such pain at the moment. One thing I can promise you is that it does get easier.

I was involved with a woman with BPD on and off for 16 years. We were initially seeing each other for 2 years (she was married) and then she came back into my life 6 years ago (we were both married). I couldn't understand how I could be attracted to somebody so inappropriate but it has been expressed to me on here:

We are attracted to our emotional equals

I want you both to take a deep breath for a second and think about that. What is it in us that makes us attracted and become co-dependent towards such damaged people? Perhaps you don't have an answer to that question yet but it is the key to starting to understand why we are in this position with a damaged partner. It can often be a pattern of going after these seemingly vulnerable people in order to 'rescue' them. Does that sound familiar?

Wickit you said you are going into therapy and that is a very good thing.

FrawnedUpon, I just want to dwell if I may on the time that she was in hospital. I had a very similar situation last year when my ex got in touch to tell me she had tried to take her own life. My head was in a spin and I demanded to know why she hadn't told me. I bombarded her with questions but my overriding worry was for her general health. She had blamed her suicide attempt on me.

Around this time I started to look into valdating my ex's feelings. There is information on these boards about validating our partner's feelings. This sounds like a very difficult thing to do when our own emotions are at such a high octane level. However, a pwBPD cannot deal with their own emotions much of the time and suffer from dysregulation. That is why she is unable to take on board anything but her own problems. That is how a pwBPD functions. Anything that adds to the emotional noise in their head they will push away. I have discovered that the best way to deal with a pwBPD is to tone down the drama.

I broke NC of course. The last thing she send was something stupid about a tv show. I replied whats up with the small talk... What are you trying to do, are you trying to tell me something. She got upset and told me no you?

If I may suggest something here. This was a good chance for you to take all of the drama out of the situation. The problem is that you were hurting from her previous behaviour and couldn't deal with your own anxiety/emotional noise. The thing that will work with your pwBPD is to steer away from arguing and trying to hold her accountable for her behaviour. Part of the disorder is that they will never accept their own share of blame.

More of the above another time. Things are still very raw for you FrawnedUpon and what I want to encourage you to do is try to turn the emotional volume down in your own head. I know you are experiencing anxiety and concern for your ex but try to keep your own mind clear so that if she does contact you again, you can have a less stressful conversation with her. Remember she is suffering from a disorder and cannot help much of her behaviour. She is reacting to triggers which she perceives all around her.

Do you want her back? Would you be interested in being with her if she was in therapy? After a suicide attempt there will be follow up from a mental health professional and it could be the start of regular therapy for her.

Stay close to these boards.

RF

[FrawnedUpon]

Thanks for the helpfull reply RF, really helped alot.

I made the stupid mistake to contact her, I tried to delete the message but it was already received. So she called me and asked what the hell I want, because I told her the last time stop the small talk, its better to stay no contact.

I told her I just wanted to ask how she is, after a month seperated.
She then told me, she was better off alone for the moment, that she enough stuff on her head.
She asked me if I was seeing someone else I said no, she told me first she wasnt seeing nobody.
And then told me she didnt contact me because I didnt want her to. I told her also i couldnt handle this relationship right now, and that she needs to be happy on her own. She also admitted the relationship was not healthy with always the fighting. It did hurt to hear her say she was better off alone. But I think unlike me who has a decent amount of money and no family issues and so on. She doesnt even have the time to overthink this like im doing, making myself crazy and overthinking everything. She was in a hurry so she told me It was nice hearing from you, I told her ok goodbye I wish you the best, she told me the same.
But then afterwards I realized she is still the same broken person I met from day one. She now has debt, told me she has a new job but no starting date yet. So on the otherside im pretty happy to get out of that mess. Because she would do the same again over and over again untreated, those two weeks didnt help her she said herself, she has a better time with her dog now. She even told me in the messages she still feels like really bad and depressed. So she isnt seeing a therapist or anything right now. Also because of money issues. Its kind of sad...
But I respect her to be honest about it, and see she's better off alone for the time now.
So i went through with the date I talked about with a new girl earlier, first person meeting after the breakup. Just a fun date, glad to know new people. Positive vibes... And no I don't want to get back together, I know for my own sake its the best to move forward and never look back. Even though im kind of still attached to her, and having a hard time to let go. She's my first uBPDex. Maybe I have to let go, It was stupid to contact her. Because she also asked, do you want me to ask you back now ? Or what is the purpose of all this, I just said I had no intentions and just was curious how she was doing.

I need to control these urges, and detatch further.

[RomanticFool]

FrownedUpon,

If you don’t want her back then your behaviour is sending out mixed messages. I’m confused reading your post whether you want her back and she must be confused also. You tell her you don’t want to be with her and then you ring her which she quite understandably feels upset about.

Remember I said we are attracted to our emotional equals? What I would ask you to do now is analyse whether your behaviour is any different to hers. Ok you are not suicidal but you do seem to suffer from a great deal of anxiety around this r/s. You are also doing push/pull as much as she is. I think once we realise that our own behaviours are also on a par with our partner’s we can start to understand our own role in this situation.

There also seems to be a lack of empathy on your part regarding her suicidal behaviour. I too had this issue when my ex told me she had been in hospital having made a suicide attempt. There was a lot of emotional noise in my own head around it and it meant that I wasn’t as empathetic as I could have been when talking to my ex. I think going on another date is an extraordinary thing to do when your ex has just tried to kill herself. Does it strike you as empathetic behaviour to be able to do that at this time?

It is good that she is out of hospital now but I would encourage you to think of how she is if she contacts you again. A suicide attempt is a very serious thing and I think you have to tread very carefully with somebody who has been in that situation. Be empathetic and understanding and keep the drama to zero.

If you have made the decision to keep away from each other then I would encourage you to stick with that. Given that she is not in a good place right now I would encourage you to put her needs before your own at this moment in time. However, anxious you are about the situation, she is the one who has tried to kill herself.

Please don’t think I am criticising you, I am just encouraging you to look at your own behaviour. We cannot change other people but we can change how we respond to them and what kind of behaviours we respond to others with. I encourage you to hold the mirror up to yourself. Th yardstick for me is am I behaving towards others in the way that I would want them to treat me? If the answer is no then we must change ourselves towards empathy and understanding.

RF

[FrawnedUpon]

Yeah I know, thats why I tried to delete the message, but it was too late... Stupid of me and a little bit selfish indeed.

And she had thoughts about suicide this time not actually went through with it like 2 years ago, not to small talk these kind of things !
Because I never saw a person that unhappy, 2days before we broke up in so much emotional pain. Maybe I have to be thankfull that she pulled the plug on the relationship. Because usually I was the one breaking up in the past (think maybe 3 times in total). So she had a lot of courage to go through with it, the first week I avoided to see her (she asked to bring back stuff, come to the hospital... ). Not because of revenge, but because I felt I would harm her even more. And you are right, it was never my intention to send mixed signals... maybe I did with texting her. What do you think is the best now ? If she contacts me again, to be not a douchebag and dont answer, she may even fall deeper, but maybe she has no feelings at all anymore and she doesnt care that much. I will not initiate further contact myself. But I did feel the texting ended on a positive note for both sides. And i know the dating maybe not be the healthiest right now... But im not expecting to engage in more, just to meet new people at this time and moment nothing more just friends.

[FrawnedUpon]

I'm really starting to realize I need to work on myself again. In the beginning of the relationship I WAS CO DEPENDANT. The times I was not with her, I made myself depressed too because my partner was too. I think in a way it is natural as a person you love see suffer to feel bad too. I Did not enjoy my life without her, always worrying about her life and problems. Totally not thinking about myself... I need to become strong again, on my own. Later on in the relationship I convinced myself I cant make her happy. Did not get that emotional attached when she had those problems again. Thats why she stayed because I was strong and confident. She hated when i tried to reach out and help her. Thats why In the beginning I now understand she pushed me far more frequently than in the end. But it doesnt matter, if you help or not. I realize now that what the hell id even done, does not matter. She would still be in this situation, cant blame myself with overthinking... Need to find some inner peace myself. She needs to help herself and get better, and now I have to let her go... And if she screws up again, not getting decent therapy thats a shame but nothing I can do about it. I would come home from work and search these forums for days without enjoying my own life... Just to find some answers for actions I could not explain. Its really time I do small steps and enjoy watching the most simple thing in life, watch a movie again, play some video games, excersie (Seen nothing since the break-up for example. just sleeping all day, watching boards for answers... ). Thats not healthy at all...

[RomanticFool]

FrownedUpon,

I’ll save you a lot of heart-searching: Keep in mind that we are attracted to our emotional equals. It’s a much simpler equation than we imagine. The feelings can seem complex and changeable but the reality is that you were drawn to each other because you have similar emotional lives.

I too have a co-dependent personality when it comes to love relationships. I can become focussed down on my love object and start taking on her mood just as you described. Equally I can enter into emotional dysregulation when there is a period of stress between us. She is my emotional equal. What does that mean for me? It means that I share certain traits that my ex has.

For example I fear abandonment. In order to prevent that I pull my ex in when she is pulling away but if she hurts me or triggers my own emotional insecurities then I push her away. Sometimes the reasons for this kind of behaviour can be found in our relationships with our parents. My mother was domineering and both my parents made me feel that my own emotional life was unimportant compared to theirs. I was not nurtured properly which led to low self esteem and unstable self image at times.

What was your relationship like with your parents? How is your self-esteem and sense of self? Do you have a strong fear of abandonment like your ex? The answers to the whys and wherefores of how we got embroiled in these relationships usually reside in our own relationships with ourselves and our parents. Does any of this make sense to you?

RF

[FrawnedUpon]

I never had a really good connection with my dad, because he always worked from very early in the morning till late in the evening. So i saw him only a few times a week when I was young. I come from a family of three, i was the youngest. My sister was always unhealthy and always had health problems throughout her life, almost dead a few times. So my parents were almost always busy with her health... My older brother was always the problem child, and I was the smart one, the geeky one. Never got the attention the others would get. I always played by myself as a child. Did not have many friends. Grewing older I got a few good friends, a good social life, and my self esteem is better now a days. Im certainly not bad looking, have a certain charisma with girls I dare to say. But when I grew older, I started to have a bond with my dad, because we were working together for a few years. He got Ill and passed away when I was only 22. It still hurts to this day that I lost him. That time changed me, I started to drink/smoke a lot of weed. And ignored dating and became very unsocial. I lived in my own fantasy world. My drinking and smoking has reduced alot, but still nowhere it should be... I had this problems when I met her, and other people offcourse. Maybe it was she saw only the good in me, thought I was worth it. They say money makes happy, I have a good job, my own house, decent amount of money saved. But I still feel depressed time by time. Try to stay of the prescribtion drugs like Ativan to reduce my anxiety. because it got me depressed even worse.

[RomanticFool]

I never had a really good connection with my dad, because he always worked from very early in the morning till late in the evening. So i saw him only a few times a week when I was young. I come from a family of three, i was the youngest. My sister was always unhealthy and always had health problems throughout her life, almost dead a few times. So my parents were almost always busy with her health... My older brother was always the problem child, and I was the smart one, the geeky one. Never got the attention the others would get. I always played by myself as a child. Did not have many friends.

This is very revealing. When we aren't nurtured in the way that we should be it can do lasting damage to our emotional well-being. The schism in a BPD resides in the emotional well-being. They are constantly trying to compensate for their emotional dysregulation which can lead to depression and impulsive and harmful activities such as drug and alcohol abuse. I can certainly relate to that aspect of a pwBPD.

Grewing older I got a few good friends, a good social life, and my self esteem is better now a days. Im certainly not bad looking, have a certain charisma with girls I dare to say. But when I grew older, I started to have a bond with my dad, because we were working together for a few years.

It seems like there has been some improvement in your interpersonal relationships as time has grown. Did being popular with women to help to bolster your self-esteem? Did reconnecting with your dad have a positive effetc on your mood?

He got Ill and passed away when I was only 22. It still hurts to this day that I lost him. That time changed me, I started to drink/smoke a lot of weed. And ignored dating and became very unsocial. I lived in my own fantasy world.

I'm sorry that you lost your dad at such a young age, especially as you were starting to rebuild your r/s with him. That must have been very painful for you.

I lost my brother when I was 22 (he was 19) and my drinking escalated exponentially over the next 8-10 years. I eventually had to go to AA and stop altogether. My brother's death and my childhood trauma from not being nurtured properly, deeply affected my self-esteem and when I put the drink down I realised I was a lost soul. I felt empty inside (another BPD trait). Doing a 12 step programme has very much helped me rebuild my self-esteem and my self image which had become a little unstable with my heavy drinking. My co-dependent nature is primarily because I wasn't parented properly and this led me to not develop a fully rounded personality as I got older. Luckily for me I discovered the arts which basically saved me from going further down the BPD traits rabbit hole. I suddenly had something to focus on which gave me a strong sense of self and I was able to move forward with purpose, but it has been a rocky road in my relationships.

My drinking and smoking has reduced alot, but still nowhere it should be...

You might want to think about quitting drinking and drugging to clear your head and help your nervous system recover.

I had this problems when I met her, and other people, of course.

You met your emotional equal.

Maybe it was she saw only the good in me, thought I was worth it.

She saw her emotional equal and love-bombed you no doubt.

They say money makes happy, I have a good job, my own house, decent amount of money saved

Money can't buy you love, no no no! But being solvent helps in life in some ways.

But I still feel depressed time by time. Try to stay of the prescribtion drugs like Ativan to reduce my anxiety. because it got me depressed even worse.

alcohol is a depressant, stay off it until you feel better. I found when I stopped heavy drinking that my mood lifted considerably. I now work out regularly, running and swimming, which has very positive effects on my mental health.

Do you think you need help to stop drinking and smoking weed?




 

[FrawnedUpon]

Yes I already managed to quit for like a month or so. Its not like I do it everyday anymore... far from it. But if life is boring ill do it again. The drinking was really to even out the smoking. So I have to say drinking wasnt that big of a problem. I never liked binge drinking without smoking. But would definitally miss smoking, because sometimes it helps for my anxiety. But with all this feelings lately I cant, cause it will make the anxiety worse. So actually im facing my demons sober for the last few days I guess. Maybe its not too bad too open further and go to therapy myself. Maybe theres stuff I dont know, you helped a lot with your insight thanks for that. As for the girls sure it always gave a confident boost. Stroke my ego.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi FrawnedUpon and

I'm sorry you had to have such a painful experience for us to have cause meet you but glad you found us.  Only a month out is a very short time after a BPD breakup.  Go easy on yourself if you're struggling - it's to be expected. How are you feeling currently?

You will find that everyone here is at different stages of detaching and healing.  Many are still raw at any given time.  I'd encourage you to take a look at the material to the right of the page and to post in others' threads, as there is much to gain from doing so.  Things do get better and right now it's important to take good care of yourself and let the feelings come up. Grief is a process and we're here for you as you go through the stages.

Love and light x

[FrawnedUpon]

Thanks do any of you have insight on the following questions.

i've read that the BPD mind is not wired like ours. That once they dont see you for a while they forget the emotional bond and blackout like it never happened.

I wake up every morning, trying to understand.
How this time arround, she can not text me so easily. When I reached out (Broke the NC) she responded back very fast and even tried to call. But with the texting, she seemed so cold, as I never ment nothing to her... Like its so easy for her to forget. That kind of hurts that she said I need to focus on my own. I understand that and wish her the best but at least you could say I miss you still or something along the lines. Is she attached to someone else, is she really taking her time ? Or is she just trying not to make it hard on me I don't understand.  If I was split black totally she would probably ignore me and not tell me at the end good to hear from you again.
It looks just to me, I'm the one struggling more then her to let go for good this time.
But if I think of it last summer when we broke up it was about 3 weeks, she would text me sometimes, that she misses me, even called and told me crying how much trouble she had in her life and that she almost came to my place. So eventually I convinced her to come by and things were back ok.
Now I understand this would make it only hard for me to stay NC, but my mind can't understand how she could left this time arround so cold, and going through with it so "easily". There was a lot of fights and pain and crying before the break-up (never no cheating). A lot of happened offcourse since that previous long break up. But this time I went through hell for her (because i broke things off a few times earlier, and always felt unhappy without her), if she didnt ended things I was still with her probably. Although I had my doubts of breaking things off again, and go through with it this time because I was not happy and mentally being pulled down.

[RomanticFool]

Hi FrawnedUpon,

Glad you have found my feedback helpful. Don't hesitate to ask anything else that may be confusing you. It sounds like you have read a little around the subject of BPD but do keep expanding your knowledge of the disorder, it will help you to come to terms with your own feelings.

i've read that the BPD mind is not wired like ours. That once they don't see you for a while they forget the emotional bond and blackout like it never happened.

I have experienced this with my ex. She started her ST and distancing during the devaluation stage. During the love-bombing stage she was asking me to call her all the time. I always think of it as similar to how children can behave: out of sight is out of mind but it doesn't mean they no longer care, but just their focus is on something other.

I wake up every morning, trying to understand.
How this time arround, she can not text me so easily. When I reached out (Broke the NC) she responded back very fast and even tried to call. But with the texting, she seemed so cold, as I never ment nothing to her... Like its so easy for her to forget. That kind of hurts that she said I need to focus on my own. I understand that and wish her the best but at least you could say I miss you still or something along the lines. Is she attached to someone else, is she really taking her time ? Or is she just trying not to make it hard on me I don't understand.  If I was split black totally she would probably ignore me and not tell me at the end good to hear from you again.
It looks just to me, I'm the one struggling more then her to let go for good this time.

You seem to oscillate between feeling like the dumper and the dumpee. I thought the break up was mutual and that you were feeling that she was not the person for you? I would encourage you to investigate why you are feeling the pain as if it was a one sided decision. Could it be that she has triggered your own abandonment fears?

But if I think of it last summer when we broke up it was about 3 weeks, she would text me sometimes, that she misses me, even called and told me crying how much trouble she had in her life and that she almost came to my place. So eventually I convinced her to come by and things were back ok.
Now I understand this would make it only hard for me to stay NC, but my mind can't understand how she could left this time arround so cold, and going through with it so "easily". There was a lot of fights and pain and crying before the break-up (never no cheating). A lot of happened offcourse since that previous long break up. But this time I went through hell for her (because i broke things off a few times earlier, and always felt unhappy without her), if she didnt ended things I was still with her probably. Although I had my doubts of breaking things off again, and go through with it this time because I was not happy and mentally being pulled down.

In all honesty FrawnedUpon, I wouldn't spend too much time trying to figure out what is going on in her mind. My experience of the disorder is that a pwBPD can change on a daily basis. To a pwBPD feelings are facts. If they feel a certain way they believe that is how they have always felt and how they are always going to feel. Then the next day it could turn on its head. It's like trying to unravel an unsolvable riddle. I know because I've been there trying to do it myself.

The important thing at the moment is to concentrate on your own well-being. Make sure you are looking after yourself and keeping your emotions on an even keel as much as possible. Gaining insight and understanding into where you are now is a long haul and the first part of the journey should be to look after yourself and gain as much understanding as possible from the tools and posts on these boards.

RF

[FrawnedUpon]

Thanks again RF. Today I started working again, I had a 3 week long vacation (company was closed). Normally for the first time in our relationship we would try to see each other each and every day for a whole week (in this vacation). You have to think this would be the longest we would've seen each other in a row. Because otherwise we would only see each other only maybe once midweek and always in the weekends (sometimes even not the whole weekend, because of work schedules and the dogs that did nog get along.

But anyway what is the point, we always had an argument or fight the last couple of weeks even at those limited times (And offcourse when the pushing began throughout the whole relationship). So it would be probably even worse in that week together. I'm actually glad I didnt make her pregnant, or that we were living together (She tried very early after a few months to push, moving in my house). Because she has debts now... A total mess. So yes like I told before, I knew this was not the person for me after a while. We even didnt live together, Im a saver, she is a big spender. Im not into social media, she is the biggest attn wh*re you can think of (offcourse all BPD seek more for validation because of their insecurities). Even on these shallow platforms. She had to drink sometimes before we could be sexual, And offcourse to top it all off, I knew I was a more motivated happy person before, enjoyed life more. I was not that Depressed before. She pulled me down, when she was down, in the never ending push/pull emotional rollercoaster. But my ego is bruised, because NOBODY ever dumped me before, and I had my share of relationships. Even tough I knew, I would break things of again a few days later maybe than her. And I dumped her before a few times, so I probably took her for granted always coming back. Maybe its a blessing, because I feel im slowly detatching more and more every day. And the day she maybe is going to contact and reach out to meet, I will be stronger than ever, and tell her to search somebody else. Because I'm done :-).

I have to say, work today really helped me. I'm thinking less and less about her, started gaming again, Clearing my head with long walks with the dog. What made me stay that long, I dont know I think I really loved her with all my heart. But sometimes love alone is not enough. And I was used to have somebody in the weekends, the sleepovers. Do miss that but there will be another person in time to fill those voids.

[FrawnedUpon]

Oh yeah and I really don't like change, change in living place, change in relationship status. I even was single for about 2 years without dating, because I was really digging myself and free time. Now I dont like it being single again haha. I have the same job for about 11 years and so on...

[RomanticFool]

Hey FrawnedUpon,

Sounds like you’re coming to terms with the situation. Keep looking after yourself and giving yourself emotional space. You need to recover from the emotional rollercoaster you’ve been on.

It’s interesting to me that there was a lot of push/pull in the r/s. One minute she was chasing you and the next you were chasing her. It seems you really became engaged with her when you felt rejected. Do you agree with that? Were there any other times in the past where you were fairly relaxed/indifferent in a r/s until you got rejected and then suddenly they were the big love of the decade?

I ask because I recognise that behaviour. It is what I used to do all the time in my 20’s and 30’s. If a woman got too close I felt engulfment, if she rejected me I would suddenly go to deep-rooted pain and rejection. Does that strike a chord with you?

RF

[FrawnedUpon]

Yeah the thing is, whe she was pushing me away, less hugging, less affection, acting uninterested etc... You know what I mean... Less effort to meet and stuff. And then the fights offcourse again, I always got tired of asking whats wrong and why she was acting this way... and asked myself the same question is this the rest of your life how you are going to live ? Offcourse not, so I broke up. But instead of keeping persistent in my decision, I regretted the break-up and we would get back together. Now If I take a look in my other serious relationships. Not really the same, in one we were broken up had another gf at the time and she persued me... We got back together because she really hunted me down. After a while you remember why you were exes. So eventually broke up again, but never had the intention to rekindle again or so after that one... The girl I lived with for a while, relationship went bad, first break-up because of the sister-brother relationship. So I broke up, she packed all her stuff. I regretted, but she didnt want to get back together... So yeah sometimes I need a little more time to see things clearly, or to accept the change in life what I was talking about earlier. But I have a tough time with making important decisions not only in relationship. Also with other things in life.

Really weird had a bad moment this morning all of a sudden, again all the anxiety of losing this rs. Thinking about her again, the negative thinking not meeting someone else etc. But it passed throughout the day... really weird.

[RomanticFool]

Like I said, it could be that she has triggered your own abandonment fears which means you feel the loss more keenly then had you ended it. Part of that is simply human nature but if there is a pattern, which is why I was asking about last relationships, it may indicate something else is going on that needs examining.

[FrawnedUpon]

Thanks guys for all the help, feeling better, almost feeling my old self. To others, there is hope... just believe in yourself. I got that nice peace of mind again I had back before the relationship. Enjoying my own company 

just take a few steps each day and stop the obsessing and go NC on all platforms. And remember if your exBPD is untreated, even with treatment DURING the relationship this person can not be in a healthy relationship imo. She will still fall in the push/pull dynamic because you are a trigger. But I can't see why somebody would want to date somebody with PD's. I tried it once and learned my lessons the hard way. So better believe what you read.  I'm out of the fog finally !

[RomanticFool]

Glad you are feeling ok today. Keep close to these boards.

[FrawnedUpon]

Ok guys here's an update, she reached out to me the other day, first didnt respond, then tried to be friendly but cold and not asking questions back. She asked me If I was seeing anyone, I told her yes but nothing too serious. I also told her what does she care, that she's meeting other people too maybe ? She then said two weeks ago she was harrased by three guys at a parking lot (walking back all alone from a festival in the evening), they pulled her to the side and tried to rape her (she was molested as a child before). This festival had rape incidents before. I was shocked to hear this, asked a little more details. I even tried to call her because it was all pretty blurry in text (she didnt answer the phone) just tried to be there as support. She said people came by just in the right time to help her. Now this is messing up my head, i dont want to be romantically involved anymore, but if its all true and that bad I feel sorry for her... The police was reported btw. Or is this some kind of sick manipulation to draw me back in, after hearing i'm seeing other people... Now it doesnt matter I dont want to reconcile or anything but kan this disorder be so bad, that they lie or blow up things a bit too much in proportion of what really happened ... Because she lied she had cancer in the past (was not true). It keeps spinning in my head... These thoughts and it makes me angry... Because I still care for this person.

[RomanticFool]

Now it doesn't matter I dont want to reconcile or anything but kan this disorder be so bad, that they lie or blow up things a bit too much in proportion of what really happened ... Because she lied she had cancer in the past (was not true). It keeps spinning in my head... These thoughts and it makes me angry... Because I still care for this person.

It seems to me FrawnedUpon that your best bet is concentrating on yourself. You have made the break from her and I would encourage you to stay away from her for your own peace of mind. In fact getting in contact may be triggering her abandonment issues, considering you are seeing other people.

I don't really want to comment on what is true or not because there is really no way of knowing. You know the answer to your own question above as you said she lied about her health issues in the past. If you are dating other women I would protect yourself from any possible drama by maintaining NC. There is nothing in this situation for you but pain as she is clearly resentful towards you. My heartfelt advice is to stay away from her and get on with your life.

[Hadenoughtimes4]

What does it matter? Tragic if true but she is NOT YOUR responsibility anymore, if she were you would be together. Stop the rescuing and take care of you, look to the new people you noted you have met. These PD toxic people ALWAYS have some issue, need, problem, etc. They're adults and maybe if they didn't mistreat us the way(s) they did we could be there for them. But they DID mistreat us and that's why we have to go NC. As the letters mean NO CONTACT, don't contract her.

[FrawnedUpon]

Well well, there it is... She messaged me today that she missed me and wanted to come over... Its just an eye-opener. Now that she knows, she is losing me maybe forever, her abandonment issues were triggered like RomanticFool said. A week ago, she was better off alone. Lol no logic at all, but ok what did you expect with BPD. Its by reading this board, its so obvious all... I can understand now all those moves... She just wants control again... But not really be with me, just not lose her toy. So she got me emotionally involved again with the tragic story. I must agree NC is a must now.

[once removed]

FrawnedUpon, this stuff happens. 60% of relationships (in general) recycle because both parties have unresolved feelings.

she may be wishy washy and back and forth, but this is probably not nefarious.

if you decide to test the waters, you feel conflicted, or if theres even a 5% chance you might pursue this, i really encourage you to open a thread on the Bettering board, get some feedback, work through this.

[SerendipityChild]

What does it matter? Tragic if true but she is NOT YOUR responsibility anymore, if she were you would be together. Stop the rescuing and take care of you, look to the new people you noted you have met. These PD toxic people ALWAYS have some issue, need, problem, etc. They're adults and maybe if they didn't mistreat us the way(s) they did we could be there for them. But they DID mistreat us and that's why we have to go NC. As the letters mean NO CONTACT, don't contract her.

I agree and it sounds tragic but you are not together anymore. My ex did that to me over and over. The first time he left I had to fly all the way to Oregon to pick him up because he said he missed me and our time together. We haven't even made it to our apartment when he started accusing me of sleeping around while he was gone. You just can't win with pBPDs.

[FrawnedUpon]

 Well here is a little update guys, thought because this board helped me a lot. I have to spit this out. So I was doing pretty well. My ex contacted me like I said the last time that she just wanted to hug me and be with me... And almost went to my place. I was stupid enough to send her back etc. She wanted to meet, I told her if she really wanted to see me she would have come over allready, because she was being weird about actually meeting an arrangement... Then she accused me of wanting only sex, because I said I dont want anything serious atm because im still hurt over everything post 1.5 months. So she kept contact and still accused me and every other guy in the world that they only use her for sex and abuse... Because she was raped again almost like I told at a festival 2 weeks earlier.

 She told me she didnt want to be in relationship and hates all guys. And couldnt understand how I went out on 2 dates (only kissing). Wich btw turned out to nothing on the third one. I still didnt want to go back to her, but then I heard of a past fwb of mine (they know each other) that she is screwing arround with that girls ex... Just to piss of that girl (because when we were seperated before a year ago I chatted again to that girl but NEVER MET or anything.). But in the borderline mind she kept accusing me after the first break up and getting back together of having done more. Anyway probably after this break up she thought we were meeting again. Post break up 1 week, even flat out asked me etc if i heard hat girl or if we already met. She then texted me a few more times, I told her to F off and go to the new guy... Because I received screenshots of her conversation with the new guy, from my fwb. She blurred a lot of conversation and made it look I was jealous (saying to f off and go to that dude line) I blocked her number after this. This was two weeks ago. Im still devasted how someone who was being raped again and abused in her childhood  can go to bed with someone new that fast, just to mindF.  with my old fwb to get her jealous I guess and probably me.
It hurts really bad... the damage these people can do... I was doing great untill this recent news and a few bad dates set me back. Is it because I cut her emotional supply ? That she needs new supply probably... And no I dont want to get back, ever again, that kind of stuff is just really really messed up. I just want to cope with the pain... I know stay busy and stuff.

[once removed]

I was doing great untill this recent news and a few bad dates set me back. Is it because I cut her emotional supply ?

by and large, its because youre reliving/rehashing the unresolved issues from the relationship. still going at each other in the same ways. this makes things difficult to resolve and let go.

it may also be that youve redirected grieving and mourning the relationship to external forces, dating is one example. a lot of us have done this. it can delay and prolong the healing, it can even compound the wounds.

my advice would be to focus on your grief, and your recovery, and your wounds. invest in your healing. going underwater and then returning here after the crisis, theres only so much we can do. you can get real support and help here, in real time, and work to get to steady ground. stick around. learn from this. theres more work to be done.