Daughter cut off, despite relocating back home, pregnant and in need

[Scotland]

My 35 year old daughter is diagnosed as BPD by her therapist. I have suspected this for some time as she has been showing signs of BPD since the age of 13.  She has distanced from her dad and his wife . She is pregnant and will be a single parent. She is married but divorcing. She had an intense relationship for about a year with a work colleague. She is in a high paying job in a war zone. I offered my apartment for her to have baby in and also I said I would be there for first three months continuously to help her with my partner. She is going to come back to Australia to have the child. The father of baby does not want to know about the child and now daughter is doing some complicated legal proceeding against him for child support as he is not Australian. Daughter asked me to speak with her therapist to set situation up well. I thought this a good idea. Therapist advised setting clear limits about being there particularly taking scheduled breaks away. He thought I should only stay two weeks not three months. He did so because he felt she did not need it, that I was being set up, that it would be unsustainable.  I advised there had been many fights where she verbally abuses, I am denigrated and no matter what I say or do it’s distorted and I am wrong. My partner and I also felt it best to take scheduled breaks, as apartment is very small and we needed a pressure cooker safety valve as the full force of her rage is very upsetting. We thought  say every second weekend staying with my son would work. I asked my daughter what she thought and this triggered a six day barrage of emails threatening me with cutting off, saying I was insane, and other insults. She has not been speaking to me for a week. I am now devastated and terribly worried about her ability to cope. Did I do something wrong by trying to set a limit? Maybe I should have backed down when she did not agree in the first instance. It seems an extreme reaction to an attempt at negotiation.  I’m really scared about her relationship with the baby. Her brother is trying to help but for various reasons he won’t be able to do much. I am hoping her dad can step in but she has been keeping him at a distance for several years. She will be alone and needs help. I’ve arranged the doctor and hospital and also childbirth classes but was fully intending to be with her. Now she is not interacting at all. I still feel even if we’d tried to go there for three months we would have come unstuck early on. No matter what I do it’s always wrong!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Feeling Better]

Hello Scotland 

Welcome

I am so very sorry to hear that your daughter has not spoken to you for a week, I have been in that position and I know how distressing that initial cut off can be 

I was not the best at setting boundaries and limits, my uBPD son travelled and lived in different countries so whenever he returned home I always bent over backwards trying to please him. I now realise that I most likely was enabling his behaviour and I most definitely did not have any healthy boundaries. I have read many times here in various posts that pwBPD react when a new boundary is put in place which sounds like what your daughter is doing. You certainly did nothing wrong by setting that boundary, in fact it was a very wise thing to do and you definitely did the right thing in not backing down. That is what your daughter wanted you to do My guess is that your daughter is taking time out to process what’s been said.

When is the baby due and when do you expect your daughter to return to Australia?

Keep posting Scotland, we can support you through this x 

[wendydarling]

Hi Scotland

I join Feeling Better welcoming you to the forum. That's a lot of change your daughter is going through, not in touch with her father, going through divorce, leaving a high paid job, relocating, single parent, pregnant, caring for her baby, the future. It sounds like life is on your shoulders.

When was your daughter diagnosed BPD? Does she understand, ever share with you at any point she is struggling?

WDx