The Power of NC

[DogMan75]

I haven’t responded since July 5^th, but the length and frequency of her texts, and now emails, is increasing.

I read her messages and I formulate these responses in my head, but I’m not even really tempted to send them at this point. The silence is much more effective. Without the real me to respond to, she seems much more motivated to work.

Where was all this effort when it mattered? Now that the damage is profound and irreversible, now she’s got a stomach for introspection?

On my birthday she sent, “I wish you all the happiness in the world,” but when she had a chance to do something about it, she ruined it. I know it’s for me more than for her, but I am having a hard time even imagining forgiving her.  

I know it’s probably just a matter of time, but I wouldn’t mind if the process would just fast-forward a little bit at this point.

[Cromwell]

I haven’t responded since July 5^th, but the length and frequency of her texts, and now emails, is increasing.

I read her messages and I formulate these responses in my head, but I’m not even really tempted to send them at this point. The silence is much more effective. Without the real me to respond to, she seems much more motivated to work.

Where was all this effort when it mattered? Now that the damage is profound and irreversible, now she’s got a stomach for introspection?

On my birthday she sent, “I wish you all the happiness in the world,” but when she had a chance to do something about it, she ruined it. I know it’s for me more than for her, but I am having a hard time even imagining forgiving her. 

I know it’s probably just a matter of time, but I wouldn’t mind if the process would just fast-forward a little bit at this point.

a rhetorical question if ive judged the tone right Dogman?

In case im wrong though - her wishing you all the happiness in the world is actually her wishing herself all the happiness in the world.

There is no newfound empathy, newfound efforts of introspection, its just being a pesky nuisance of not able to let go of a person that fulfilled her emotional needs and saying whatever sounds right to open that channel back up and running again.

[Harley Quinn]

Where was all this effort when it mattered? Now that the damage is profound and irreversible, now she’s got a stomach for introspection?

On my birthday she sent, “I wish you all the happiness in the world,” but when she had a chance to do something about it, she ruined it.

Hi Dogman,

Do you get the sense that she is just saying what she believes you want to hear?  I'm wondering if you are observing her trying different angles and approaches.  That's what I found at the end of my r/s.  I could almost hear the cogs turning in his brain to come up with the right words that would hit the mark.  How do you feel when these texts and emails arrive?  What would you respond with if you could?

I am having a hard time even imagining forgiving her.

That's OK.  You don't need to forgive her.  You need to lick your wounds.  If and when you do in time forgive her, that will be for yourself, not for her.  Right now, you're hurt and possibly feeling angry, and who can blame you?  I was furious with my ex when everything began to sink in.  Gaining that perspective to be able to look back and see the whole picture can be overwhelming I found.  It is so painful and disillusioning.  

I know it’s probably just a matter of time, but I wouldn’t mind if the process would just fast-forward a little bit at this point.

Just a matter of time until... .?  She stops contacting you?  For what it's worth, I still have days when I wish my own current process would fast forward.  It's tough that this stuff takes time and would be far easier to just wake up feeling all better one day soon, wouldn't it?  Grief has it's purpose though.  Hang in there.  

Love and light x

[DogMan75]

a rhetorical question if ive judged the tone right Dogman?

In case im wrong though - her wishing you all the happiness in the world is actually her wishing herself all the happiness in the world.

There is no newfound empathy, newfound efforts of introspection, its just being a pesky nuisance of not able to let go of a person that fulfilled her emotional needs and saying whatever sounds right to open that channel back up and running again.

Correct again, on all counts.

In all these missives from her, she still hasn’t addressed the coup de grâce beyond the vague reference to “betraying” me. She talks about finally learning the self-awareness of her triggers and from DBT that I’d been begging her to do for years and literally said she hopes I’m proud of her. It just shows me just how out of touch with reality she is. “Proud” of her? I’m embarrassed to have wasted six years of my life sinking all this faith and patience into someone I was so wrong about.

How do you feel when these texts and emails arrive?  What would you respond with if you could?

I don’t respond to her because it doesn’t matter. She didn’t hear me no matter how I shouted anything during the relationship, why on earth would it matter now. Changing the way I said something never improved anything. As I’d say to her all the time, “It’s not a problem of broadcast, it’s a problem of reception.”

In my head, though, which is good enough for me (-and that’s one of the real lessons here), I want to respond with, “None of this is good enough. You are not good enough. I’d thought you were my wife a week after I met you, but I was wrong. You are not my wife. My wife is loyal. My wife is devoted. My wife is honest. You are none of these things. Go source for your emotional needs on Bumble.”

[DogMan75]

Harley,

I do need to forgive her, ultimately, but like you said, it’s for me, not for her.

I know there’s not a timeframe on it, but forgiveness is for the forgiver, not the forgiven. It is the final act of letting go. It’s also not something I’ve ever been great at, and I’ve never been so betrayed, so I’m not expecting this process to be worked through anytime soon.

Yay.

[once removed]

I haven’t responded since July 5^th, but the length and frequency of her texts, and now emails, is increasing.

The silence is much more effective. Without the real me to respond to, she seems much more motivated to work.

it makes sense that her contact and efforts are ramping up. no contact can be anxiety inducing for one or both parties, and especially if one or both parties has heightened abandonment fears.

which is not to imply youre doing the wrong thing, by the way. it is a warning not to let no contact become the silent treatment. there are perils of NC.

what youre experiencing from her side isnt uncommon. it sounds like though, rather than you believing the words, theyre making you angry, frustrating you, keeping those wounds open. likely, its not that shes insincere per se, but very motivated by those fears.

10) Belief that they have seen the light

Your partner may suddenly be on their best behavior or appearing very needy and trying to entice you back into the relationship. You, hoping that they are finally seeing things your way or really needing you, may venture back in – or you may struggle mightily to stay away. What is this all about? Well, at the end of any relationship there can be a series of breakups and make-ups – disengaging is often a process, not an event. However when this process becomes protracted, it becomes toxic. At the end of a “BPD” relationship, this can happen. The emotional needs that fueled the relationship bond initially, are now fueling a convoluted disengagement as one or both partners struggle against their deep enmeshment with the other and their internal conflicts about the break up. Either partner may go to extremes to reunite - even use the threat of suicide to get attention and evoke sympathies. Make no mistake about what is happening. Don’t be lulled into believing that the relationship is surviving or going through a phase. At this point, there are no rules. There are no clear loyalties. Each successive breakup increases the dysfunction of relationship and the dysfunction of the partners individually - and opens the door for very hurtful things to happen.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/surviving-break-when-your-partner-has-borderline-personality

[Mutt]

Hi DogMan75,

She talks about finally learning the self-awareness of her triggers and from DBT that I’d been begging her to do for years and literally said she hopes I’m proud of her. It just shows me just how out of touch with reality she is. “Proud” of her? I’m embarrassed to have wasted six years of my life sinking all this faith and patience into someone I was so wrong about.

You cared a lot about her and it sounds like you gave it your best effort in that r/s, I hear and regret in your words, I think that you wanted her to have better r/s skills to understand your needs I know that you know that a pwBPD have social impairments, a pwBPD doesn't have good interpersonal r/s's skills and it really affects their r/s's in life.

I agree with you that there is power in silence with NC, sometimes I felt that I was doing it for the wrong reasons because I was angry at her there was some satisfaction there that I was getting at her. You probably also know that NC is a buffer between you and the other person a change to get your berrings together, detach, heal and give yourself the attention that you need with self care.

This is a good thread we're here for you, you need validation with what you went through with your pwBPD. 

Are you angry at her because she didn't figure out her triggers a long time ago? Do you really feel like you wasted an entire 6 years, there must of been positive experiences and positive things that you learned in this r/s.

[Cromwell]

with regards to "x amount of time" being considered wasteful. That really is a judgement that can only be made by the individual.

I have ambigous feelings about it now, but I could relate easily to it. It seems self-deceiving to justify the gravity of upset to my life has in some way been beneficial or tease out some silver linings of the cloud, ala, positive thinking mode.

I see it as a chapter of my life, some spent a few months, some decades, mines was 3 years plus I suppose 11months so far of finding mental solace in the aftermath. I think I can justify it only on the basis that regardless of how long it lasted, regardless of the things I could have done with my life otherwise in that time; it happened for a reason, due to circumstances at the time, whats important to me is ultimately I closed the chapter. Wether it was myself who discarded her or if it would have happened the other way, it doesnt matter - if it would have lasted a decade, so be it - the point for me is that I liberated myself from it, found myself and prioritised my own well being. I will look back at this as just one of many of life's tests that could have come in any other form, it came as this. What matters most is to have overcome it in the end.

I have only one life and time is finite, I feel the need to justify it and I dont want to look back and justify it as a life wasted along with any bitterness that would naturally result. I went through something traumatic, challenging, hurtful, intermixed with a range of other more positive emotions, its been a mixed bag, its been confusing and its taken a monumental amount of strength to conclude it all, move on from it. Rather than waste any more time to "rue" the day I met her, or regret the time spent, im grateful for each new day that I dont live in the past and live my life on a new course that took courage to change towards. I see the results already, if anything im grateful, appreciate and value them more than I did previously.

The fact that these thoughts are there, deserve listened to but more importantly actioned upon rather than swept aside. I had to accept that my lifes purpose was not to carry that burden, it was destined for something else. My life overlapped with hers for a period of time, but it ended as well, the purpose of it all is for myself to evaluate, any time spent "ruminating" or being indecisive about the decision, I have to justify as well. I can justify it now - I couldnt easily do before - its taken time but it went faster once that resolute decision came to never go back. I chose to put a full stop to it and take responsibility to mop up any residual after-thoughts, consequences or regrets, ive found there was little to do once id made that decisive step - it was only trepidation and doubt that held me back previously from doing so.

I will pay more attention to the saying "once youve dug a hole stop digging" in future, if there has been regret over time wasted thus far, what I wont justify is compounding it by wasting any more time than I can reasonably justify to myself in allocating.

Ive moved beyond feeling sorry for myself, beating myself up for 'mistake' making - this is not about grieving, rewriting history or making sense of it all anymore, ive done plenty of that, 11 months worth. and those 11 months I have achieved a great deal else besides the therapeutic efforts, its moving on time and part of my recovery is trying my utmost to share what ive been through in the hope that someone else can improve upon those 11 months and speed towards getting to a life that is more fulfilling. After all if it wasnt for the support I got here, I might still be with her to this day - in retrospect I shudder even to imagine it - in short im grateful to have got out of this at all, got my health back on track, regardless of how long it took.

[DogMan75]

it makes sense that her contact and efforts are ramping up. no contact can be anxiety inducing for one or both parties, and especially if one or both parties has heightened abandonment fears.

which is not to imply youre doing the wrong thing, by the way. it is a warning not to let no contact become the silent treatment. there are perils of NC.

what youre experiencing from her side isnt uncommon. it sounds like though, rather than you believing the words, theyre making you angry, frustrating you, keeping those wounds open. likely, its not that shes insincere per se, but very motivated by those fears.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/surviving-break-when-your-partner-has-borderline-personality

As I understand it, the “silent treatment” is a manipulation of the other party, a way of punishing them. My silence is for my own sanity, so I don’t get drawn back in. It was at the point where my friends and colleagues would say, “You talked to her today, huh?” because it would ruin my day -my week, every time I talked to her. Nothing more could be said. She can’t “un-lie” six months of my life back. She can’t “un-___” other men. What’s the point in engaging now? I am done. I hope it’s beneficial for her on her end, that she uses this as motivation for her own personal growth, but that’s not really my problem any more.

What’s happening on her end is incidental. Sure, I am curious as to what she’s saying. I’ll always wonder if she ever gets her life together, but it has no bearing on “us” because there is no “us” anymore. It’s too late for that now.

As far as her sincerity, I suppose it’s how you define sincerity. She believes her own lies, which makes her a particularly convincing liar. It’s why i didn’t see it for so long: there’s no tell because she doesn’t know she’s lying. She means what she says when she says it. There’s just no center to hold those words true in the moment after that moment passes.

[DogMan75]

I agree with you that there is power in silence with NC, sometimes I felt that I was doing it for the wrong reasons because I was angry at her there was some satisfaction there that I was getting at her. You probably also know that NC is a buffer between you and the other person a change to get your berrings together, detach, heal and give yourself the attention that you need with self care. 

I can’t say I’m getting much satisfaction out of her desperate attempts to avoid abandonment, but I’m getting a lot out of not re-engaging every time. Each time she tries to contact me, it’s easier and easier not to respond, to the point that I’m not even tempted now. I caught myself checking my email earlier today, specifically to see if she’d sent me something. Why? Why would I do that? Then I realized that I’ve been giving myself a little emotional reward every time I got something from her and didn’t reply. Feeeling in control of my responses is incredibly satisfying. 

... .Are you angry at her because she didn't figure out her triggers a long time ago? Do you really feel like you wasted an entire 6 years, there must of been positive experiences and positive things that you learned in this r/s.

There are positive experiences to be derived out of almost anything, it doesn’t mean it was overall a worthwhile endeavor.

I dumped so much hope, faith and patience into a person who totally wasted them. I have learned from it, sure, but mostly what I learned from it was that I should have listened to my harder, more cynical side in those first six months and cut my losses. 

I am an optimist and a positive person. It’s a crap lesson with very little opportunity for positive spin. That’s just the way it is sometimes and I just have to accept that.

[DogMan75]

I will pay more attention to the saying "once youve dug a hole stop digging" in future, if there has been regret over time wasted thus far, what I wont justify is compounding it by wasting any more time than I can reasonably justify to myself in allocating.

Ultimately, this is my takeaway too.

My limits and boundaries are better defined now. The importance of enforcing them clearly and consistently is now indelibly imprinted upon me. I wont be making the same mistakes again.

What else can you do?

I’m not made of glass, this isn’t going to destroy me, its just sad and painful, but I’m already moving on.

One of my coworkers told me about a conversation they’d been having about me and how much better I’ve been doing since the breakup. Everyone has commented on my improved mood -one person asked if I was on meds! Haha! Not only am I not on meds, I haven’t been doing anything, really: not drinking, not smoking weed (though that may change soon, I really do enjoy that), hell I haven’t even been drinking coffee. Eating right, gym like a champ, working a ton of overtime and clocking those duckets -I’m doing better by every metric.

Objectively, I am doing better in every way than I was the day before I met her (except romantically, but that will be fine the moment I’m ready, I’m sure).

Self-care is not a joke. Maybe that’s why I had this experience. I had just been drifting, I think, and maybe this was the baptism by fire I needed.

[crushedagain]

I know it's small consolation, but consider yourself lucky that she at least acknowledged her part in things, however small, and cares about you enough to contact you.

Mine never wrote me anything after her final goodbye some 10 months ago. I would happily embrace such an email as you received because it would open the door for me to finally say what I always wanted to, but did not because I didn't want to hurt her.

[DogMan75]

I know it's small consolation, but consider yourself lucky that she at least acknowledged her part in things, however small, and cares about you enough to contact you.

Mine never wrote me anything after her final goodbye some 10 months ago. I would happily embrace such an email as you received because it would open the door for me to finally say what I always wanted to, but did not because I didn't want to hurt her.

I guess I do, but small consolation it is. She’s only reaching out to me out of her own need, not any real care for me. She immediately went trying to source validation from other men while she was professing her undying love and devotion to me. If she had found better validation out there, she’d have taken that. In fact, there was a moment in May where, from my perspective, she began to believe she had found something better, and for a moment went icy to me overnight. I think things went wrong shortly thereafter and hence her change of tune.

If it’s any consolation to you, you’re better off not saying what you need to say to her, anyway. It would be wasted on her. You’re saying it for you, and if that’s the case, it truly doesn’t matter if she hears it -it’s probably even better that she doesn’t. Her response would only disappoint you.

Write it out. Say it for yourself, and move on.

[Mutt]

Each time she tries to contact me, it’s easier and easier not to respond, to the point that I’m not even tempted now. I caught myself checking my email earlier today, specifically to see if she’d sent me something. Why? Why would I do that? Then I realized that I’ve been giving myself a little emotional reward every time I got something from her and didn’t reply. Feeeling in control of my responses is incredibly satisfying.  

Good to hear that it’s easier for you now. I feel the same way, I know that she can be chaortic and out of control and I can maintain control, she can escalate and try and sometimes succeeds busting through my boundaries but she doesn’t see the bigger picture it’s an automatic reaction and what I have is control over how I respond and react there is a sense of contentment when I don’t stoop to her level.

[Cromwell]

Everyone has commented on my improved mood -one person asked if I was on meds! Haha! Not only am I not on meds, I haven’t been doing anything, really: not drinking, not smoking weed (though that may change soon, I really do enjoy that), hell I haven’t even been drinking coffee. Eating right, gym like a champ, working a ton of overtime and clocking those duckets -]I’m doing better by every metric.

Any idea where this thought might be coming from?

Are you pacing yourself with the gym and work, taking adequate rest days to recuperate?

Your post maybe a month ago incubated the idea for me back into the gym, its going great but I became aware at one stage reaching burnout, I was working out every day, twice a day HIIT combining it with cardio in between and using supplements and caffeine. I felt awesome, the results are great, but old temptatons started to come back and thats when I moderated my plan for the purpose of sustaining it. You want to look back and average your efforts out, more is achieved through healthy level of consistency than driving too fast, reaching a limitation by being burned out, then becoming dismayed and reaching out for negative crutches such as alcohol and weed.

Not putting a dampener on your achievements, just wanting to make sure in case you might have overlooked if you are going at a sustainable pace - Im all to aware of how easy it can be lose track of it in the midst of 'feeling great' through high exertion, our bodies give us that boost which is comparable to taking an antidepressents - so i not surprised youve had comments along those lines.

[DogMan75]

Any idea where this thought might be coming from?

Are you pacing yourself with the gym and work, taking adequate rest days to recuperate?

Your post maybe a month ago incubated the idea for me back into the gym, its going great but I became aware at one stage reaching burnout, I was working out every day, twice a day HIIT combining it with cardio in between and using supplements and caffeine. I felt awesome, the results are great, but old temptatons started to come back and thats when I moderated my plan for the purpose of sustaining it. You want to look back and average your efforts out, more is achieved through healthy level of consistency than driving too fast, reaching a limitation by being burned out, then becoming dismayed and reaching out for negative crutches such as alcohol and weed.

Not putting a dampener on your achievements, just wanting to make sure in case you might have overlooked if you are going at a sustainable pace - Im all to aware of how easy it can be lose track of it in the midst of 'feeling great' through high exertion, our bodies give us that boost which is comparable to taking an antidepressents - so i not surprised youve had comments along those lines.

No, it’s nothing to be concerned about, I’ve just always really enjoyed relaxing at the end of my day with a bit of weed. Really helps with sleep, too, especially when ingested rather than vaped (I haven’t technically “smoked” in years). I am keenly aware of the possibility of using it as a crutch, rather than recreation, so in times of duress, I tend to avoid it completely, as in these last few months. I’m finally feeling centered enough again to relax and enjoy it again, but honestly, there’s nothing to be concerned about.

Twice a day HIIT? You savage! I’m actually jealous!

No, I wish I had to worry about burnout, but at this point between my work schedule and nursing a shoulder injury, I’m lucky to go 4 times a week. Even then, I’m restricted at the moment to legs, core and cardio, despite my plan to go full beast mode this summer. Still, better to take it easy for a little while than risk retirement altogether. Considering how therapeutic it’s been for me, that would be an absolute catastrophe at this point.

On the bright side, I’ve been compensating for my limitations at the gym with an extremely disciplined diet, and I’m on track for a legit six-pack by the end of the month -I’m only six pounds away from my high-school wrestling weight! Monday is cheat day, though, so it’s been pizza, burgers and doughnuts all day! Gotta keep it sustainable! ;-)

(Omg, cheat day is going to be even better once I get back to you-know-what!  Haha!)

[once removed]

I caught myself checking my email earlier today, specifically to see if she’d sent me something. Why? Why would I do that? Then I realized that I’ve been giving myself a little emotional reward every time I got something from her and didn’t reply. Feeeling in control of my responses is incredibly satisfying. 

this is really what im aiming at DM. not whether or not you should respond to her.

what happens when/if she stops messaging you?

[Cromwell]

Twice a day HIIT? You savage! I’m actually jealous!

No, I wish I had to worry about burnout, but at this point between my work schedule and nursing a shoulder injury, I’m lucky to go 4 times a week. Even then, I’m restricted at the moment to legs, core and cardio, despite my plan to go full beast mode this summer. Still, better to take it easy for a little while than risk retirement altogether. Considering how therapeutic it’s been for me, that would be an absolute catastrophe at this point.

On the bright side, I’ve been compensating for my limitations at the gym with an extremely disciplined diet, and I’m on track for a legit six-pack by the end of the month -I’m only six pounds away from my high-school wrestling weight! Monday is cheat day, though, so it’s been pizza, burgers and doughnuts all day! Gotta keep it sustainable! ;-)

(Omg, cheat day is going to be even better once I get back to you-know-what!  Haha!)

Im having to lose 6kg until abs are visible again, already lost 5 through the program im on combined with diet, its melting away. It would be easier if I was at your stage, concentrating on some last percetange fat but at the moment my concern is preserving lean muscle as well as cutting. Its easy, Dogman my friend, I struggle to find much of anything that is harder than ruminating about my ex, it just needed some momentum to actually get out that rut. Thanks for the inspiration its put me on a course im very pleased about.

Avocado Chocolate Smoothie if you havent tried before, for what you have in mind.

[DogMan75]

this is really what im aiming at DM. not whether or not you should respond to her.

what happens when/if she stops messaging you?

Nothing. I go on with my life.

She stopped for a while, even before I’d decided for sure that I was done forever and I was doing fine. No matter what, whether she stops completely, texts every hour on the hour, or only every other year, the outcome is the same.

All set.

[JNChell]

Your resolve is commendable, DogMan75. The anger is recognizable and understandable. There are varying opinions here as to whether our pwBPD were conscious in there actions, or if they were at the mercy of their disorder. I don’t know, and I’ve exhausted my care in the matter. I’m writing it off to behavior and patterns that existed before I knew her. She told me everything up front in a language that I didn’t yet understand.

As far as NC goes, yes. There is power in it as long as it’s used for self preservation and not punishment of the other party which you’ve stated is your case. I’m a little different here. I was unable to stop contacting my ex. We have a child together and I didn’t want to shut the door. I was prolonging negative things for myself. I eventually requested that we block each other on everything, and pass written corespondence through our Son’s backpack. Speaking only of him. We are now at the lowest form of contact that we can be while sharing a child. Emergency contacts are in place, but it had to end.

I’m sorry that your ex is being relentless. But you’re right. Her pleas are about her. She has nothing to give. She’s terrified that she’s losing an attachment that she would no doubt try to fall back on if she knows that the door is still open.

It may be in your favor to stop reading her emails soon. I understand the validation. I never got those things from my ex, but why would I? I’m tired to her through our child. The best advice that I’ve gotten here, and the hardest thing to do, is to focus our energy elsewhere.

I am curious about one thing. No need to respond to this, but what was your childhood like?

[DogMan75]

Im having to lose 6kg until abs are visible again, already lost 5 through the program im on combined with diet, its melting away. It would be easier if I was at your stage, concentrating on some last percetange fat but at the moment my concern is preserving lean muscle as well as cutting. Its easy, Dogman my friend, I struggle to find much of anything that is harder than ruminating about my ex, it just needed some momentum to actually get out that rut. Thanks for the inspiration its put me on a course im very pleased about.

Avocado Chocolate Smoothie if you havent tried before, for what you have in mind.

This is my third era of fitness. There was high school, then I got fat. Then I got fit again near the end of my relationship with my daughter’s mom. Then I got fat. Now I’m back and recognize how important it is never to lose that momentum: starting from a standstill is the very worst and I never want to be there again. Your advice to be careful to maintain a sustainable pace is the best advice you can give to anyone regarding their fitness goals -I’ve been on the wrong end of it and it’s the truth.

I am so happy to hear that I’ve helped in motivating someone else -it’s a real honor! My first renaissance was partly inspired by the transformation of one of my best friends. Another friend was integral in getting me started again this time. For me, especially at the beginning, that support of others is absolutely essential. The process is so punishing and so unrewarding for such a long time, I don’t know if i could do it all be myself.

I know this is a BPD site, but anytime you need a fitness cheerleader, I’m here for that too!

[DogMan75]

Your resolve is commendable, DogMan75. The anger is recognizable and understandable. There are varying opinions here as to whether our pwBPD were conscious in there actions, or if they were at the mercy of their disorder. I don’t know, and I’ve exhausted my care in the matter. I’m writing it off to behavior and patterns that existed before I knew her. She told me everything up front in a language that I didn’t yet understand.

As far as NC goes, yes. There is power in it as long as it’s used for self preservation and not punishment of the other party which you’ve stated is your case. I’m a little different here. I was unable to stop contacting my ex. We have a child together and I didn’t want to shut the door. I was prolonging negative things for myself. I eventually requested that we block each other on everything, and pass written corespondence through our Son’s backpack. Speaking only of him. We are now at the lowest form of contact that we can be while sharing a child. Emergency contacts are in place, but it had to end.

I’m sorry that your ex is being relentless. But you’re right. Her pleas are about her. She has nothing to give. She’s terrified that she’s losing an attachment that she would no doubt try to fall back on if she knows that the door is still open.

It may be in your favor to stop reading her emails soon. I understand the validation. I never got those things from my ex, but why would I? I’m tired to her through our child. The best advice that I’ve gotten here, and the hardest thing to do, is to focus our energy elsewhere.

I am curious about one thing. No need to respond to this, but what was your childhood like?

As grateful as I am that that I never married or had a child with this one, I do have a child with another woman with whom I had an incredibly unhealthy and unstable relationship with. As bad as it was during the relationship itself, she’s a much better “ex” than she ever was a “current”. We were able to maintain a relatively good coparenting relationship for the last twelve years, with remarkably little contact over those first few, so it can be done, and it may end up better than you’d think. My BPD ex is very high functioning and when she’s not in an intimate relationship, she isn’t being triggered, so maybe if you can escape that zone of intimacy, she may be easier to deal with. Sounds like your current system may very well get you there!

Her emails don’t bother me. As long as I remember to see them through them the lens of detachment, they can actually be helpful in focusing my resolve. She sent me one just last night -the “last one for a while, maybe forever, idk”, where she finally addresses sleeping with other men and lying to me about it. She accepts the responsibility for lying to me about it -hard not to do that, she was lying directly to me, but blames sleeping with other people on following the “advice of “everyone” instead of my gut.” That’s an actual quote, I just cut and pasted it.

Seriously? She is literally blaming ”everyone” else for making the single most intimate choice you can with your own body, with multiple people, again and again, over the course of months. GTFO. That’s not even close to awareness or accepting responsibility. Thank you for steeling my resolve.

As for my childhood: not great. My parents are a mess, my dad is a classic narcissist, through and through, and my mom is some cocktail of NPD and/or BPD. She displays traits of both, but I’m not sure which side she falls more solidly on. My sister is now clearly NPD.

I’ve often wondered if, on some level, it was so important to me to get this relationship to work as some sort of a surrogate for my relationships with my other family members. On some level, maybe, to some extent. In any case, they’ve all worked out the same way, which is to say, not well at all. I’m stuck with my family -I love them, but I’ve long since recognized that I’m not going to “fix” them, and that the best thing I can do for our relationship is keep them at an arm’s length.

Romantic partners are a different story. There are other options. Time to make some different choices.

[Cromwell]

Hi Dogman

That does sound like the typical form of "apology" that is reminscent of disordered people.

Ive had some apologies from my ex but they were never direct ones.

Apologies I have heard that go along the lines of "im sorry... .but you made me do it"

ive even seen pre-apologies of the disordered mind "your forcing me to cheat on you because you wont give me oral sex"

In the case where yours is apologising but putting the blame on 3rd parties, it is still deferring responsibility. In shorthand, to me its not an apology at all because there is no underlying indication that things wouldnt just happen exactly the same - all that is required is "external forces" put sufficient pressure on her. Her apology reads almost as if she has self styled herself to become as much a victim as you are. Its as if she cant even allow you the attention of being a victim of her own behaviour without stealing the limelight and centre stage too. All of this is so very triggering for me, didnt make sense then but does now - undercooked emotional development stemming from not enough attention as a child.

I agree fully with you this is about keeping you as an attachment to fall back on. I can only say keep strong it gets easier, once I learned what I was dealing with it got to the point JNChell said to me awhile back that there isnt the excuses anymore. That changed things for me; I could justify being naive before for the recycles I made - there comes a point where I couldnt use ignorance of her condition as an excuse, it would have been intentional, reckless and self esteem shredding descent back into trouble. When I got angry as I sense based on incredulity of the messages you are getting - it was because I became more aware of what was really going on. I didnt before because I was too confused by the bizareness of it all, you dont expect that sort of behaviour and are at a loss of how a grown up adult can behave in such obscure incongruent ways from one moment to the next.

[Shawnlam]

I must add that no matter when I was in or out and back in my relationship, pushing the iron seemed to always comfort me.Ive been weightlifting since the military and it’s kept me centered on many occasions ,except when I started drinking and stopped (be careful).Im back at it again and nothing beats the appearance pump feeling and the chemical high of a heart rate coming down .

[Starfire]

It was a good day for me to read this (all the fitness talk aside even thought that's helpful, too LOL).

I'm 5+ months into NC, and yesterday received multiple texts from ex.  It's been 5 weeks since his last contact.  I think about 8 weeks is the longest he's ever made it without contacting me.  I'm not tempted to respond, but I do feel like it's a setback when I hear from him.  I have to stop and remind myself of all the reasons I stepped off the roller coaster.  The first question that came to mind yesterday was, "How many non-responses will he have to get before he stops reaching out?"  Today I'm questioning why I don't just block his number.

Yeah, it's probably time to do that.  Anyway, thanks for the post.  It's timely for me and instigated some soul searching on my part.

[Cromwell]

It was a good day for me to read this (all the fitness talk aside even thought that's helpful, too LOL).

I'm 5+ months into NC, and yesterday received multiple texts from ex.  It's been 5 weeks since his last contact.  I think about 8 weeks is the longest he's ever made it without contacting me.  I'm not tempted to respond, but I do feel like it's a setback when I hear from him.  I have to stop and remind myself of all the reasons I stepped off the roller coaster.  The first question that came to mind yesterday was, "How many non-responses will he have to get before he stops reaching out?"  Today I'm questioning why I don't just block his number.

Yeah, it's probably time to do that.  Anyway, thanks for the post.  It's timely for me and instigated some soul searching on my part.

Hi Starfire

The world loves a trier.

He has everything to gain, and nothing to lose than the situation he is already in by trying - thats the way I can explain it.

Which moves on to looking more closely at your own question of why you havent blocked him yet.

From coming on here not too long ago and declaring im buying a new sim. It took nearly 2 weeks to make that 5 minute walk to she shop and purchase one, despite passing it every day.

It took 1 week before that sim got changed with the old one, it lay on my desk in the meantime.

It took tears that a man shouldnt cry, that came out of nowhere. It wasnt a sim change it was a turning point - and I knew it, even if subconciously. It heralded the end - not just a door with the chain holding it closed, it was complete lockdown time - no returning - crossing the rubicon.

I knew what to do - so why didnt I do it?

3 weeks Starfire! for a simple, sensible, easy 10 minute task.

She never did text or call in those 3 weeks - regardless - yet it is more obvious to me than anything else what I was procrastinating about.

[Cromwell]

I must add that no matter when I was in or out and back in my relationship, pushing the iron seemed to always comfort me.Ive been weightlifting since the military and it’s kept me centered on many occasions ,except when I started drinking and stopped (be careful).Im back at it again and nothing beats the appearance pump feeling and the chemical high of a heart rate coming down .

I used to just endure it, go in, functional work out, finish.

strength training wether bodyweight or lifting has become something more "mindfulness" - nowadays has become more psychological than physical. Im not sure how much being surrounded by spandex clad vixens has got to do with that dynamic - but its been a pretty good motivator too. I can work out at home just as easily but there is something motivational energy that sparks by being surrounded by people trying to reach their goals.

[DogMan75]

It was a good day for me to read this (all the fitness talk aside even thought that's helpful, too LOL).

I'm 5+ months into NC, and yesterday received multiple texts from ex.  It's been 5 weeks since his last contact.  I think about 8 weeks is the longest he's ever made it without contacting me.  I'm not tempted to respond, but I do feel like it's a setback when I hear from him.  I have to stop and remind myself of all the reasons I stepped off the roller coaster.  The first question that came to mind yesterday was, "How many non-responses will he have to get before he stops reaching out?"  Today I'm questioning why I don't just block his number.

Yeah, it's probably time to do that.  Anyway, thanks for the post.  It's timely for me and instigated some soul searching on my part.

I’ve asked myself why I haven’t blocked her number, too.

I think it’s a combination of factors. For one thing, I’m just too curious. For another, I really would like to hear someday that she’s achieved recovery (though that doesn’t mean I’m holding out: she could recover tomorrow and it’s still too late).

Mostly though, I’m finding that the content of her missives reinforces my decision to leave. I have a tendency to forget the bad and romanticize the good. When she writes, she reminds me that nothing has changed on her end and that the idea of re-engagement would bring nothing better than what I’ve already gotten. In fact, every re-engagement thus far has just made things worse and worse.

Your mileage may vary. I don’t know how far out of your mind he is on a daily basis, but mine is still forefront on my mind much of the time. There have literally been two days over the last month when I didn’t wake up thinking of her. I’m thinking of her whether she contacts me or not. When she reaches out, it doesn’t cause me to think of her more, but it does remind me why I’m out.

If you are getting on with your life without him intruding upon your thoughts, maybe you should block him. If you can make it work for you, maybe you can use those contacts as fuel.