Kids are on vacation with his family for two weeks

[12years]

Hi Everyone:
Somehow I said it was ok or just didn't know how to object to my husband taking the kids to see his family and their cousins, aunts and grandparents. I refused to go to see them again this summer. So I am not on the annual summer trip to LA. My husband works and I am the SAHM and so it wouldn't be a big deal if I took my kids on a 2 week trip but he has taken them to his parents away from home and their mom and is doing it spitefully. I took the kids on a few trips, but, it's summer, we live in Texas and it's hot here so we went back to our friends in Wisconsin and the East Coast. I am planning on working next year so I was thinking this is the last time to take them for long trips. But, these trips were held against me. But, my husband somehow found the time to take his quarterly European trip while we were gone. He did completely wig out and said he didn't get to talk to the kids much on the trip. But, he did talk to them several times. But, I may have slightly been so happy to be away from him and not under his thumb that I didn't make a significant effort. So he wigged out and I pointed out it wasn't a big deal, we could call him back after we got in the car so he could talk to them but he because extremely angry and he was clearly drinking. So, now his pay back is taking them away when literally I originally had nothing to do because we had taken our trips and were spending time in very hot Texas. Though I would have really hoped to spend two months the entire summer break on the East Coast or anywhere but here at home. So, he took the kids earlier in the summer for 6 days to New Mexico and I indicated this was too long. They would be upset to be away that long, he is so erratic I worry about them with him. And there was a night I called and he practically hung up then denied he did until later I heard "why would you want to face time with them? as they needed to go to bed?" I hadn't seen them in 4 days so I was doing a quick face time. And so these reservations were made to take them to LA and I didn't see them as they were sent sneakily to me (via email without knowing exact dates, etc.) and when I called to ask about something else, he immediately got defensive about the plans to take the kids for 2 weeks. I asked the kids be back on a specific date due to back to school, so he is bringing them back literally the night before back to school very late in the night.

So, I have been to a lawyer handed in my retainer fee and ready to end this. How do I handle this while they are gone? My daughter cries on the phone and is so unhappy. It's too long and completely purposeful he took them this long. I do not like to go the in-laws that long to begin with a week or a few nights is long enough. We live near them now, we used to live in Germany so longer trips were expected then. But we live in the US now. But it's not like the inlaws or any of them make any effort to contact or keep in touch. The visits are their only touch point. Now I did take it upon myself to go see my Dad who is not doing well health wise and threw in a trip to see a friend in Miami. But, my husband wigged out and said why would you spend all this money, use miles to book these tickets! Well, I hadn't made the reservation yet and only on the way to see my Dad at $78 per ticket (spirit airlines), I know I will have to pay for seats, etc. But I can't stay here all this time. I don't have a job, not yet, so I don't have to go to work. It's not right to leave me here and take my kids from me this long. How can he not have to work? He does have alot of vacation time, but, how can he not feel this is wrong? And how if it's wrong can he go through with it? I know the kids want to see their grandparents and cousins, but, this is too much. Considering they don't give a crap about us, if we didn't go to LA they wouldn't know us at all. I tried an experiment and neither my husband's sister or mother bothered to text me. They are such jerks! I don't really text with the brother in laws and only text to grandma and grandpa if it's important. And because I think it's important to send a few important messages. Even if I don't get along with my husband, it's important to be responsible related to grandparents, communication or important dates, etc.

I know that he knows this is not correct as I said "you are bringing them back in the knick of time before back to school" and "are you trying to pull one over on me?" when he originally made the reservations. Then I brought it up again that I am so unhappy that they aren't coming back until that late date, and he lost it and threatened to take them longer and said "you took them to the east coast for 2 weeks (maybe it was 2 1/2)?" and he said "you took them on two trips." Well he was taking them on the second trip of his this summer. And this was agreed upon as I was finishing a class and didn't want to go on a trip with him this summer. And I didn't want to go to LA. So I guess I am not surprised he is being completely nasty about it, and taking them away from me. We are doing things separate --trips separate--so it's only a matter of time.

But the feeling I had the morning I woke up and knew he was taking them it was like I was grieving the loss of a loved one. I couldn't eat or drink and kept almost throwing up. I fell to my knees and prayed and was dizzy and sick to my stomach. He does things that are so wrong for so long and I felt so badly since he's been gone and taken them. I know I am going to be so angry when he gets back. After his New Mexico trip I was so angry.

I want them home, I miss them so much. My son seems to be okay but this is literally 2 weeks my kids are not with me. For a revengeful mean reason. I think he must know it's wrong. How can you do these things and not feel remorse?

Please pray for me. I may literally strangle him when he gets back. I am so done with the relationship and I feel this is the last straw. I have put up with too much.I have no feelings for him only bad ones. Not even feeling sad for him or wanting to help him anymore. He refuses to help himself and does these spiteful things to his wife who he must know he's hurting very deeply. Other things have hurt, but, this taking the kids hurts a great deal. I don't want to go through this again. He has also been verbally abusive to the kids and hurt my son, not sure if by accident or not but, it's interesting how this has happened. It's not correct. And I contacted a lawyer but, didn't mention the abuse, just that he's very angry. He really is a different person and won't get help and has become confused on so many things. 
I want it to be mandated by a court when he gets to take them.

any thoughts would be helpful... .I am so sad and know I will be SO ANGRY and I am afraid how that is going to turn out when he arrives back here. I guess this may be the time to serve him.

[Cat Familiar]

You were hoping to have some more time to vacation with you children this summer because you are planning on returning to work and that may not be an option once you do. Your husband booked a trip to see his parents and other relatives and you feel like it's way too long a time for your kids to spend there; they are not happy being there for such a long time and they miss you; and school will be starting soon and he's bringing them home just a day before it begins.

You're so unhappy with your marriage, that you're considering divorcing him when he returns. You mentioned abuse. Tell us more about your relationship.

[12years]

Hi Cat Familiar:
It's been 13 years married. But about 3 years ago I figured out something was very wrong. Not with me though. I figured out it's BPD and a severe case with a highly functioning one. But, now it seems he isn't functioning too well anymore. As I don't argue back, I hardly talk to him and he feeds on the arguments. There is nothing left to the relationship. We tried counseling twice but I can't continue it as he couldn't commit to the second go rounds appointments and seemed to blame me when I had to reschedule one due to my final projects for the class I was taking. It was opening me up to much to hurt and it seems to me you can't just go to counseling, you should work on things at home. Not yelling or blaming or making the other feel bad, blah blah blah. He doesn't have the capacity to do this and just follows his emotional roller coaster every weekend. It's hurting me and the kids too much. And since I have pulled away and stopped counseling with him he is threatening as I mentioned in my post.

He also threw a book about 3 years ago supposedly aiming for me and it nailed my son in the head. Then there was an occurrence recently where I was downstairs and heard a loud band and my son was trying to make a point I guess and my husband pushed him down. You should never hit anyone especially a child. I have trouble processing this but I know its very very wrong but I somehow am patiently waiting to make a stand. I think my son is upset and he become aggressive and that it just history repeating itself. I did not see the incident but I know in my heart it was wrong. These are just two of the crazy things that have happened. And I need the strength to end it as he has verbally abused me though I am not sure intentionally as he has BPD or purposefully and has pushed me down. I called the police on him a year ago. Now it sounds so sad that I am writing this and I know what to do but I lack the financial strength to do it. That's why I am trying to get a job and finished a professional certification. He is scary and I am always on edge. He leaves me alone as I called the police on him but I am worried for the kids as you can imagine. He will rage when I kick him out and divorce him and he will take things out on the kids.

The kids called me today and said he was yelling about the fan in the bathroom at his parents house. It must have been an episode as they both independently told me about it.

I know now he won't change. He tried therapy (barely--5 times in one year) and he didn't try at all the first time around in the marriage therapy. I became so mad last year that I just can't be near him hence the state of the marriage, separate vacations, petty fighting.
I avoid him and I feel a prisoner in my own house and want him away. I asked him to leave on several occassions but he won't. We have been through every scenario and he threatens with "where will you live?" As in to scare me that I won't have somewhere to live. I will have to work after the divorce and that is something I was hoping to do but it's now going to be made to happen. I don't care so much anymore as my instincts and feelings say this is very wrong and no matter if he got help he isn't going to change. He doesn't know how and doesn't want to put the effort in it. He didn't try in the relationship and the romance fizzled and he became a different angry man a few years ago. I had been trying up until a year ago but then we tried one more round of therapy and I just knew it isn't going to work, so I stopped the appointments, and there was much bickering and blaming about the appointments. A miracle cure for him isn't going to happen and it's not going to fix it. I have been beaten down verbally and emotionally so much I have to now stand up. I was in a bad mood when the kids were smaller but I came out of it and feel I am back to myself. And when he left to go to work in the US and we were still in Germany that's when I realized something was very very wrong. I started going to a therapist in Germany and she told me not to move back to the US with him. That was almost two years ago. But, I had to try. And I see a therapist here since I have moved here. Poor lady, she is like "divorce him already!" but doesn't say this as she is concerned for my safety and the kids and knows how erratic and angry he can be.

Any thoughts advice and just listening will help me now, I know. I love this message board.

[Cat Familiar]

So he's been violent on occasion with you and the kids. Since you called the police, he hasn't been violent toward you, but you're concerned he could still take out his emotions on the children. Counseling hasn't been productive with change, and you feel the relationship has deteriorated to the point where it's too late.

You need to get financially stable in order to be able to live separately and provide for yourself and your children. You see this happening soon.

There is very little hope for him to make any sort of positive change, so you are biding your time until you can leave the relationship. Is that about right?

[12years]

Yes I am biding my time but hating it. Life is too short to deal with this nonsense. But it’s serious issues, considering abuse and children are involved. I need to be strong and just get it over with. This ripping my children from me even though maybe it seems fair since I took them on trips, hurts me greatly. The feelings are so bad when this happened it’s worse than the feeling of being anxious when he’s around or in thecmedfle of an argument with him. If I have these bad feelings almost all the time and this even worse feeling when the kids are taken and it’s not yet court mandated, then I have to stop this. But I am so frightened of his anger. Andcreaction to when he’s served. And I know I am going to be furious when he comes back. I am not going to want to let them
go! It’s so sad I will have to share them with him when he can’t treat them right. I know he should but I just feel he’s so conflicted he can’t act normal. And he could get worse or more Abusive. Considering he won’t get help!

[Cat Familiar]

You’re rightly concerned that when he has the children, that they’ll be subjected to his anger and unstable behaviors. You realize that if you divorce he will have mandated time with the kids, but it still makes you very uncomfortable.

You are caught in a perpetual anxiety cycle over this. You feel tremendously anxious when he’s around, and even worse when he’s away with the children.

You’re afraid of his anger, afraid of his reaction when you serve him divorce papers.

You’re so angry that he inflicts his abusive behaviors upon them, and you. And you feel helpless because he refuses to see he has a problem and is unwilling to seek treatment.

Is that about right?

Though his behavior is out of your control, your anxiety and anger is something that you can work with. What I’ve discovered is that by getting to a calmer and more relaxed emotional state, I no longer trigger my husband and we no longer fight. A couple of years ago, I wouldn’t have believed this was possible.

What can you do to settle your emotions?