I only have one person that I can talk to about any of this

[professorplum]

and that is my therapist.  My wife vehemently denies having BPD, and that argument was years ago.  I used to have a good friend that I could confide in, but I had to relocate for a job.  The thing is, I don't want anyone to know about her behavior before they meet her, because I don't want them to look down on her or avoid her because of it. 

Mostly I try to explain her behavior (to my family, for instance, when they bring it up) as "everyone has times when they are upset and not acting the way they would want to".  But I have mentioned BPD to them in the past, and it had a bad effect. 

Anyway, I don't even know what people do.  Do they leave explanatory letters in their wills to be read by their relatives?  Even that I'm not sure how to do properly/discretely. 

Sorry, this is a mess of a thought process. 

[Cat Familiar]

Yes, we here are quite aware of the challenges of discussing BPD behavior with people who aren't familiar with the concept. Some of the behavior we see here on this forum is quite unimaginable to people who have never experienced it. So please tell us more about your situation.

[Red5]

I talk to my co-worker about "it" a lot, being BPD... .he is also a former Marine like me, in fact we grew up under very similar circumstance, and even served together in the same communities/squadrons over the years, it is good to "talk it out"... .we share an office here, he is a good friend, someone I can trust, and he has knowledge of the subject as well, thank the Good Lord, .no one else really... .its "unspoken of" in most circles, .I self sooth a lot, .I have learned a lot just watching my W's foo however... .very interesting, the more I learn, the more I "notice'.

Red5

[defogging]

I hear ya on this.  It's a lonely road being married to a BPD, most people aren't aware of it and nobody sees what's happening inside your home to understand the gravity of the situation.

Thankfully my family will listen to me, but the emotional abuse is so subtle I almost feel like I'm the crazy one sometimes.  I think they can appreciate what I'm telling them, but it's hard to convey how hard it is to live with my uBPDw.  I don't want time spent with my family to consist of me constantly griping about my wife though, so I try not to bring anything up unless it's major or they ask how we're doing.

I also quit seeing my T.  She is good and has helped me re-frame my thinking about it, and given me some tactics to deal with uBPDw's behavior.  However, the sessions turned into me paying $180/hr to sit and complain about life at home.  If I really need to I can talk to my parents for free, and for the most part I'm handling it okay.

Just keep putting one foot in front of the other... .

[professorplum]

Maybe I need to find a couple of people who I can confide in /with, who are good friends but unlikely to meet my wife.  Actually, I can think of a couple who would be good.  But, on the flip side, it feels like such a betrayal.  I guess it is better to talk than not to.  The problem with telling my family anything is that they are all in the same small town and they gossip.   

[Red5]

The problem with telling my family anything is that they are all in the same small town and they gossip.  

Must be very careful in regards to this, you must not let "circles overlap", if they were to, it could be potentially explosive, for lack of a better word.

As in, you would never want your wife to find this site, and read your post.

There are many very personal facets to a relationship with a pw/BPD, and to survive, imho; one needs safe places, or else people to share conversation, ie' toxic type feelings, and emotions with, that certainly could never be vetted with your own wife, or else close family, as the potential for taking sides, and ill-advised "help" could be enabled.

There is a loose term that is used in some dialogs... .called "flying monkeys", not really "pc", but apt to the subject.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=118649.0

Have to be careful and make wise choices in who/whom you confide to.

Red5