Advice needed - BPD mom won't go away

[Texa]

Hi, I've posted on here before but a long time ago.  I went no contact with my BPDm 5 years ago, but she seriously won't go away. I moved, so for now she doesn't know where I live.  She phones my exH constantly, offering to pay him money to see our kids, or offering to help him get custody away from me.  

I got my work number changed and unlisted, after a serious of particularly disgusting vile messages last year (accusing me of abusing my kids etc).  The cops would not intervene as she has broken no laws in their view (they have a different view of harassment than me I guess).  

Somehow she got the new number and started calling last week.  She actually said in one message that she's sorry for anything I "think" she's done.  This is a woman who has filed false complaints against me with my employer, blamed me for her suicide attempts starting at age
13, accused my dad of rape, and I could go on.  I'm 44 and I've been dealing with this garbage for 31 years now.

I've now set up my work phone to block anonymous or private numbers, but I'm walking on eggshells here and the last few days have been very triggering for me.  I just want peace, which is only going to come if she is out of my life permanently. But right now I'm feeling numb, depressed and just want to hide at home in bed.

How do the rest of you cope when an abusive person just won't go away?

[Learning2Thrive]

I got my work number changed and unlisted, after a serious of particularly disgusting vile messages last year (accusing me of abusing my kids etc).  The cops would not intervene as she has broken no laws in their view (they have a different view of harassment than me I guess).

  Texa,

Can you clarify the above a little more? Has your mother displayed violent behaviors or stalking or making threats? How did you want the cops to intervene? Did you keep the messages for them to listen to? Did you attempt to file a formal restraining order?

Somehow she got the new number and started calling last week.  She actually said in one message that she's sorry for anything I "think" she's done.  This is a woman who has filed false complaints against me with my employer, blamed me for her suicide attempts starting at age
13, accused my dad of rape, and I could go on.  I'm 44 and I've been dealing with this garbage for 31 years now.

I’m very sorry you are experiencing all of this again. It’s so frustrating and causes so much pain and anxiety.

I've now set up my work phone to block anonymous or private numbers, but I'm walking on eggshells here and the last few days have been very triggering for me.  I just want peace, which is only going to come if she is out of my life permanently. But right now I'm feeling numb, depressed and just want to hide at home in bed.

Blocking is a good idea. No response if she does get through. She will probably ratchet up to pull you back in before she gives up. This is called an extinction burst. Consistency in not responding to her when she escalates is pretty much the only way to discourage undesired behavior.

See this: www.youtube.com/watch?v=RqHfEJt1ZV4

How do the rest of you cope when an abusive person just won't go away?

Me? I moved thousands of miles away from my mother. That combined with not engaging or responding to anything she did or said seemed to do the trick. Well, that and letting her know in writing that any further contact would be construed as harassment and legally treated as such.  

She still directs flying monkeys to try to interfere but I learned very quickly how to identify them and simply do not respond to them either.

Are you documenting all of your mother’s behaviors and keeping evidence where possible? Have you told her to stop contacting you? Have you notified her in writing? Have you considered hiring an attorney to try to obtain a restraining order?

[Turkish]

That sounds horrible to experience, yet again.

Negative engagement is still engagement.  How well do you think the number blocking is going to work, or is it too early to tell? Do you feel like you might need a safety plan of she finds out where you live and work and shows up?

[zachira]

I think you have received some good advice. Documentation is essential, in case you need to get a restraining order. How do you feel about getting a restraining order against your BPD mom? This is all so painful, and my heart goes out to you. You are trying to heal and the nightmare of having to deal with your BPD mom keeps returning as she is going to do what she can to find you, and nobody can completely hide these days with all the technology out there that makes it pretty easy to find anyone. A restraining order sounds like the only viable solution, and probably the only thing that will give you peace of mind. Take care and keep us posted on how you are doing.

[Texa]

Hi. She has not been violent towards me.  The abuse is emotional and psychological.  For example, baselessly accusing me of "pimping" my girls out to a male relative to abuse so I'd be in his will. I went no contact 5 years ago, and she does not give up.  I changed my cell number 18 months ago - that's when a false complaint with children's services was filed.  I changed my work number a year ago, and it is not listed ANYWHERE publicly - I am guessing that she spent the last year phoning different people in my large organization trying to get the number until someone decided to be "helpful" and looked it up for her on the internal phone list.

When she got the number and called me last week I just hung up without saying anything.  She then called back, and called back and called back... .until I got my employer to put on call blocking of private numbers onto my phone.

The cops told me unless there was a clear threat of violence, or she was phoning me at least 10 times a day, they wouldn't do anything.  I could file a civil restraining order but then (a) I'd have to see her in court which would be giving her what she wants and (b) as the court would have my address there is a chance she could get it. I also, quite frankly, don't think I could handle the drama of seeing her - I know what it would be like, she'd be screaming and sobbing and trying to grab at me.

Yes, I've told her to stop contacting me. About a dozen times over the last 5 years - I've done so every time she somehow manages to crack through another barrier (call blocking software, changing my number etc).  Telling her bluntly that if she cares about me at all she will leave me alone. 

I really don't think she will give up while she is still alive.  She has alienated everyone in her family, has no job, and nothing better to do than obsess (and drink). My exH doesn't speak to her, and she leaves several messages on his voicemail EVERY day, 365 days a year.  Always the same thing - pleading to see the kids, or threatening to sue for access to see them.

[zachira]

I hear your reasons for not wanting to go for a restraining order through the courts. Here are just some thoughts to throw out, and if they are not helpful, I am not offended. You know what is best for you. Is it possible to just have a lawyer show up for Court or do you have to give testimony in person? Would you be able to give a PO Box number as an address?
I can't imagine how terrible it is to be pursued by your mother and just how much you want this nightmare to end. How old is she? How is her health? How much money does your mother have? Is it enough money to follow you to another country?
I hope someone on this site can help you to end the nightmare. Let us know how we can best help.

[Panda39]

Hi Texa,

I'm wondering what your Employer's policy is regarding giving out contact information.

Where I work it is up to employees to give out their direct numbers to those they wish to have it.  If we receive an "emergency call" from someone calling without a direct number we contact the employee first and ask if they want the call and if yes we ask them to provide their number to the caller going forward.

I work in Human Resources and we do have employees that have retraining orders out there and we don't provide any information in those cases... .we won't even confirm or deny if someone works here.

If you haven't already you might want to talk with your Human Resources Department about your situation.  Also, if there is a way to do a mass communication to employees about the phone call policy your HR Department might be able to do some kind of reminder about what information is acceptable to provide callers.

That said you're right it probably was a well meaning co-worker... .someone that has never had to deal with anything like your situation.

Blocking those mystery numbers is great and should help but I sure do understand how this could be disconcerting and stressful.  But you are doing what you can do... .maintaining boundaries.

Hang in there,
Panda39

[Texa]

Thanks everyone. I hadn't thought of hiring a lawyer to appear for me, I will see if that's an option if the communications start again.  It is so hard to heal when wounds keep getting reopened. I certainly have helped my therapists earn a good living over the past few decades 

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How are things going now? Would love to hear an update.