how to respond to a with family member who is going ballistic

[Our abuse recovery guide]

I am at the end of my patience with a close family member. I have read all the books on BPD and I know that I shouldn't engage. But for now, she's turned her fury on me and I feel like I just want to walk away for good. She's torn a path of destruction through our family and I am usually the one to tell everyone to not engage. Once you stop engaging, she fades away until the next family event.
I'm fine with cutting her totally out of my life, but for now, it's not possible due to our elderly parent.
The latest fiasco, and reason I googled, "forums" is that in spite of nearly 40 years of dealing with her rage and accusations, this time, I had almost a full panic attack. Literally shaking from the encounter where she spews the most amazing venom.
I kick myself for getting involved in her latest drama, trying to help and of course, even the smallest missteps are thrown back at me as if I were some sort of monster. Is there any good way to respond when they go into these rants? Sadly, she doesn't have any close relationships in her life but when this happens, I go into self-preservation mode. Normally, when I'm on top of my game, I say, hmmmm and yes, I hear you, but this time, I tried to express that I was upset with her accusations and she went full on attack mode. This is my first post on any kind of forum but I hope to hear some helpful tips.

[Pete32]

I am at the end of my patience with a close family member. I have read all the books on BPD and I know that I shouldn't engage. But for now, she's turned her fury on me and I feel like I just want to walk away for good. She's torn a path of destruction through our family and I am usually the one to tell everyone to not engage. Once you stop engaging, she fades away until the next family event.
I'm fine with cutting her totally out of my life, but for now, it's not possible due to our elderly parent.
The latest fiasco, and reason I googled, "forums" is that in spite of nearly 40 years of dealing with her rage and accusations, this time, I had almost a full panic attack. Literally shaking from the encounter where she spews the most amazing venom.
I kick myself for getting involved in her latest drama, trying to help and of course, even the smallest missteps are thrown back at me as if I were some sort of monster. Is there any good way to respond when they go into these rants? Sadly, she doesn't have any close relationships in her life but when this happens, I go into self-preservation mode. Normally, when I'm on top of my game, I say, hmmmm and yes, I hear you, but this time, I tried to express that I was upset with her accusations and she went full on attack mode. This is my first post on any kind of forum but I hope to hear some helpful tips.

[zachira]

You are at the end of your ropes with a family member with BPD who you are unable to go no contact with right now, and are sick of all the terrible behavior. First of all, you are not alone in being tired of the rages and accusations and how it affects you emotionally. You would like some helpful tips. The best tip I can give is to work on your own emotional regulation and boundaries. We are often in a dance with another person in that we influence each others emotions in the moment. People with BPD cannot handle their uncomfortable feelings and dump those feelings onto others. For example: the person with BPD is angry. He/she tries to get you angry so he/she does not have to deal with his/her anger. The challenge is not to get angry, stay calm, and let the BPD feel his/her anger, which can be extremely challenging because of course, we feel upset by having anger dumped on us. With time, using mindfulness techniques, and oftentimes therapy, we can improve how much we are affected by the toxic anger and accusations. We are here to listen and support you. Many of us are struggling with relatives with BPD and how it affects us. Keep us posted on how you are doing, and let us know how we can help.

[Harri]

Hello and welcome to the board.  You've found the right place to gain support and insight into your family situation.  We can all relate to having a relative with BPD or BPD type traits.

I kick myself for getting involved in her latest drama, trying to help and of course, even the smallest missteps are thrown back at me as if I were some sort of monster.

Many of us can relate to this as well; stepping in to try to help only to get slapped down.  It is hard not to step in especially when the solution seems to be so obvious.  The thing is, when someone has BPD they do not process things the same way we do.  Like zachira described with the emotions being projected onto others, they can often take offense to things that are not meant to be offensive or they feel invalidated even by our best efforts to communicate.  Invalidation is a big trigger for most pwBPD (people with BPD) and one way to help slow down or sometimes prevent a pwBPD from dysregulating is to become proficient with validation, or more accurately, become less invalidating.    Communication Skills - Don't Be Invalidating  Again, I am not saying you are doing anything wrong, but (!) their brains work differently and even the slightest thing, for example stepping in to help, can be invalidating to a pwBPD.

I really like the suggestion to use mindfulness, not just when dealing with your pwBPD but also as a daily life skill.  We have a great article on that too    Triggering and Mindfulness and Wise Mind.  Many of us here use mindfulness and wise mind to manage anxiety and panic attacks.  It is something that is easy to incorporate into your life and the benefits are hugse.

Okay, I won't give you any more links, just know that our library is huge.  Ask any questions, post as you need and feel free to jump into any threads that speak to you.  We are all working together to navigate a healthier relationship with our BPD and with ourselves. 

Again, welcome.

[Pete32]

These are such helpful replies. Thank you so much! I wish I had found this years ago.
I am reading up on "invalidating communication," and I am guilty of it so much. I don't do it with my own children or my friends, but with this person, it's like I can't always shake off the feeling that I take it and take it and never stand up for myself.
But I see that it's different things, to be invalidating and to stand up for yourself. I am certain that she has never tried to validate anyone's feelings but she's the one who's brain is wired wrong. So I have to be better. Right? And usually, I am. But often it's really hard.
I review her life,,, no lasting relationships at all, a trail of destruction,, but I also see a new pattern after reading some of these links. She tends to be the most destructive when you do a favor for her.
Why is that? I'm thinking about some of the worst stuff she's done and it's always to those who stick out their neck for her in some way.
Is that common?

[Harri]

But I see that it's different things, to be invalidating and to stand up for yourself. I am certain that she has never tried to validate anyone's feelings but she's the one who's brain is wired wrong. So I have to be better. Right? And usually, I am. But often it's really hard.

Correct, they are very different things.  Unfortunately, we are the one who have to be the emotionally mature one even if we may not feel like it!  Sometimes just saying No, I can't have this conversation right now and walking away is the best thing to do.

Validation can be tricky.  The one thing we can always validate is a persons feelings.  Feelings just are and are never wrong even if they may not make sense at the time.  So that can help a lot.  Another technique when communicating with a pwBPD is to remember not to JADE.  Don't JADE is probably one of the easiest tools we have and when you combine it with validation skills it can make a huge difference.  JADE stands for justify, argue, defend, explain.  I will explain something once *maybe* a second time and then that is it.  JADE'ing can be invalidating to someone with BPD.  It can also make it seem like you have something to hide or defend.  The main reason I won't do it (sometimes I am too strict about this though) is because it is a matter of self-respect.  JADE'ing feels too much like begging.  Whatever it may come to mean to you, Don't JADE is a powerful technique to use.

She tends to be the most destructive when you do a favor for her.  Why is that? I'm thinking about some of the worst stuff she's done and it's always to those who stick out their neck for her in some way.

As a guess I would say it may have triggered her vulnerability.  Asking for and receiving help is very hard for a lot of people, even those without BPD (takes one to know one!)  Feeling helpless, feeling that you are now going to owe someone or that they see you as incompetent all can be very hard to handle no matter how skillfully or gracefully the help is offered.  At the core, people with BPD have a deep sense of shame which can be easily triggered resulting in them lashing out at the person they are closest too.  BPD is also a disorder of intimacy.  A lot of pwBPD will act fine with strangers or even at work but when they are with family or someone they feel emotionally close to, their behaviors can really be seen.  They are generally not deliberately hiding their behaviors or trying to be manipulative though.  With BPD, the triggers reach just below the threshold of consciousness and cause emotional dysregulation and trigger a lot of defensive behaviors. 

Does that answer your question?  Any more questions? 

You mentioned that you have discovered you have invalidated this person.  Do you want to give examples so we can work out alternative responses?  Learning this stuff can help the pwBPD but equally, if not more importantly, it helps us not to get so upset or  drawn into a lot of dysfunction.

[Pete32]

Thank you and the don't JADE is really helpful.
I invalidated her because her surge of irrational, scary anger was not just directed at me but she showed it to the person I had asked the favor of. Who was quite taken aback. So, I guess, looking back, I was embarrassed and later told her to take it down a notch. It was also one of those situations where there was nothing to be done so I didn't see how the out of proportion anger could move the situation along. But of course, that was not the right reaction. Walking on eggshells is something I thought I had perfected but as it turns out, it's when she's this way outside of the family, it feels somewhat shameful. I never put anyone I care about in her path but in this case, it was necessary. Of course, most people have dealt with irrational anger so I was probably overly reactive on my friend's behalf. My biggest issue is that while I feel a sense of family obligation (often I'm the only one who will deal with
her) I also feel so much better when there is this type of a blow up because she will go radio silent for a long time and thats a relief to all. I do fear that once my father passes, it will be all on me to retain contact and Im not sure I have the long term energy or interest in doing so. It's pure obligation at this point. Does that make me sound like a terrible person? I'm just exhausted by it all.

[LeneLu]

You are not alone in feeling like you just want to have it all be over with.  As I tell my T, "I just want to extract myself from the relationship."  I don't want some big scene, I don't want any niceties, I just want out.

When I read your post, it was like I wrote it.  I still don't understand how BPDs don't understand that they can tolerate outbursts, but they can deliver them without conscience.  I probably never will really get it--something about them turning their anger that they can't handle within themselves on others--how does that logically work?

LeenLu

[Learning2Thrive]

I do fear that once my father passes, it will be all on me to retain contact and Im not sure I have the long term energy or interest in doing so. It's pure obligation at this point. Does that make me sound like a terrible person?

  Pete32 . Welcome.

No, it does not make you sound like a terrible person. Are you familiar with FOG? Fear Obligation Guilt
https://bpdfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog

How are you doing?

L2T