How to get my partner into treatment?

[Depression = 72% of members]

My partner has many symptoms of BPD.  She is highly anxious and risk averse.  She ticks the dsm5 boxes.  Her moods shift, often rapidly, between vulnerable, detached, angry, punative.  Usually in that order, though she spends a lot of time detached and I see less and less of the vulnerable.  She can be highly manipulative and her punative mode is directed at me mainly, but she has poor self image.  She presents herself as having had body dysmorphic symptoms/disorder and being anxious.  She is charming to the outside world, but the switch is often instant from being in a car being angry at me to getting out, meeting friends and being charming to them and me.  The police have been several times.  She gas lights daily, suggesting promiscuity, and does horribly cruel things.  Her moods are worse around pmt.  She tells me I am paranoid many times daily, which I have a history of which adds to the cruelty.   We have children and I see my oldest copying her moods.  What can I do?  My GP said if someone does not recognise they need help, nothing can be done.  When I said I did not know what to do or how to help, she began talking about how she is walking on eggshells around me repeatedly, until I found the book of the same name, which I read.  Now we are separating, and I have said I wanted to end our relationship.  The police came around that evening.  I can't continue to be around her because of the gaslighting mainly. Her family and friends do not seem to realise this about her. I know she is ill and I want to get her into treatment.

[Improv]

My partner has many symptoms of BPD.  She is highly anxious and risk averse.  She ticks the dsm5 boxes.  Her moods shift, often rapidly, between vulnerable, detached, angry, punative.  Usually in that order, though she spends a lot of time detached and I see less and less of the vulnerable.  She can be highly manipulative and her punative mode is directed at me mainly, but she has poor self image.  She presents herself as having had body dysmorphic symptoms/disorder and being anxious.  She is charming to the outside world, but the switch is often instant from being in a car being angry at me to getting out, meeting friends and being charming to them and me.  The police have been several times.  She gas lights daily, suggesting promiscuity, and does horribly cruel things.  Her moods are worse around pmt.  She tells me I am paranoid many times daily, which I have a history of which adds to the cruelty.   We have children and I see my oldest copying her moods.  What can I do?  My GP said if someone does not recognise they need help, nothing can be done.  When I said I did not know what to do or how to help, she began talking about how she is walking on eggshells around me repeatedly, until I found the book of the same name, which I read.  Now we are separating, and I have said I wanted to end our relationship.  The police came around that evening.  I can't continue to be around her because of the gaslighting mainly. Her family and friends do not seem to realise this about her. I know she is ill and I want to get her into treatment.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pearlsw]

Hello Improv,



Sad to hear all you are struggling with here. That sounds quite difficult!

There is a lot of information here that can supplement the insights you've already gained from reading Stop Walking on Eggshells.

Now, to be clear, you have separated? And you want her to go to therapy? So that means there is a chance you could get back together? You want to do some work to save this relationship if possible?

Does she have any interest in therapy or getting back together?

How long have you been together and what ages are the kids may I ask?

Your partner says she is feeling she walks on eggshells around you?

You mention having the symptom paranoia, do you also have a mental health issue?

wishing you the best, pearl.

[Improv]

There is a chance of getting back together, though I ended the relationship.  The chance is outside of my control and would require my partner admitting she needs help and to some of her behaviours.  I do not think this will happen.

I think she would possibly want to stay together, but she does not admit to needing therapy. 

We have kids under 10 and one copies some of her behaviours and mood swings.

She does say she is walking on eggshells around me.  In her heart, I think she knows what her disorder is. 

I have had mental health issues.  Anxiety, panic and occasional paranoia, but they are managed by diet, lifestyle changes, therapy, and medication when required.  My first episode was probably triggered by her gaslighting causing me to doubt my own judgement and perception.  Her gaslighting is extremely damaging.

I am mainly worried for my children. 

[pearlsw]

Hi Improv,

There is a lot of material on this site, and it can take awhile to take it all in. Be sure, with time, you review all of the lessons to the right of the board. 

I'm gonna share this trio of resources with you, and there will be more to come, but for now I just want to ask you to consider these topics:

Supporting Your BPD Partner
Behaviors: How it Feels to Have BPD
Being An Emotional Caregiver

These will help you consider what it means to be with someone with BPD. We can talk more, going forward, about topics such as getting a partner into therapy (possibly), and a person with BPD's awareness of having BPD.

In terms of ending it... .may I ask... .do you mean totally and completely done? Did you give her an ultimatum? Are you under the same roof? Has a deal come up with the parenting (for each of you) of the kids?

Are you wanting to work on these issues in terms of making co-parenting possible? Or do you also have some lingering romantic interest in her?

Sorry to ask so many questions at once! It just helps all of us to get a better picture of things and offer support and insights more in line with your experience!

sincerely, pearl.

[Improv]

Thank you for the material.

I told her it was over and later that evening she called the police.  I still think so.  It is mainly the gas lighting I cannot deal with.  But she may seek treatment and try to get well, and if so I would reconsider.

We are under the same roof.  The plan is for me to get a place and move out.  I have said I want a custody arrangement in place before moving out and said it again today.  This resulted in me being threatened with whatever it takes, and also with her saying she would ask her lawyer if my making this statement was domestic abuse.  She said she wants me gone with no conditions.  I expect trouble from her ahead.

I care about her but I cannot care for her, especially as she does not want my help. When we married I said in sickness and in health, so if she tried to get well I would stay in it.  I do care, but right now I am trying to work out who she is.  I think she would only continue in the relationship if I said she did not have these issues.

Her friends have not seen this side of her and do not understand.

[pearlsw]

Thank you for the material.

I told her it was over and later that evening she called the police.  

We are under the same roof.  The plan is for me to get a place and move out.  I have said I want a custody arrangement in place before moving out and said it again today.  

When we married I said in sickness and in health, so if she tried to get well I would stay in it.  I do care, but right now I am trying to work out who she is.  I think she would only continue in the relationship if I said she did not have these issues.

Her friends have not seen this side of her and do not understand.

Hi Improv,

That is definitely one of the tough sides of this. Other people don't see it and find it hard to believe. If they believe it they tell you immediately to flee. But we're here and we understand there is a lot more to this.

I hear ya! That in sickness and in health stuff can really tie you to someone. It is hard to be sure when that has to be let go, or when you have to give it more effort. It is not an easy place to be. I understand your struggle on this.

Just by saying it was over she called the police? How did the police respond?

Are lawyers involved? How close are things on the custody agreement? Be sure you do all you can to deescalate. Don't JADE. And be willing to walk away. It is very important not to get caught up in arguing. Are you safe?

wishing you peace, pearl.

[Improv]

Thankfully the police saw things in a more balanced way, as I now have a good idea about what is going on.

We are splitting, so lawyers will be involved.  I expect a roller coaster ride but I am ready to step off and watch it unfold.  Already my wife is changing plans re. me getting a place and custody.  It should be simple: I get a place, we agree custody, I move out, we agree a financial settlement.  But each day is slightly different, and moves towards my wife taking an adversarial approach.  She persists in calling me delusional multiple times daily.

I have found this site and it’s information really useful, confirmatory and informative.  Thanks so much to you guys.

I am not safe, but I am unsure of the level and extent of the danger.  But my children come first.

[pearlsw]

Thankfully the police saw things in a more balanced way, as I now have a good idea about what is going on.

We are splitting, so lawyers will be involved.  I expect a roller coaster ride but I am ready to step off and watch it unfold.  Already my wife is changing plans re. me getting a place and custody.  It should be simple: I get a place, we agree custody, I move out, we agree a financial settlement.  But each day is slightly different, and moves towards my wife taking an adversarial approach.  She persists in calling me delusional multiple times daily.

I have found this site and it’s information really useful, confirmatory and informative.  Thanks so much to you guys.

I am not safe, but I am unsure of the level and extent of the danger.  But my children come first.

Hi Improv,

The title is slipping my mind but there is a book folks recommend, there are likely a few, for divorces for high conflict couples. (maybe a Google search with those key words will turn it up!) Maybe someone else has the title handy?

I think it is important to prepare for how the conflicts you have been experiencing will bleed over into the legal issues as that develops.

When you say you are not safe do you mean you expect your partner could be violent? Is there any history of violence between you two?

Although you are splitting, if you will be co-parenting I strongly urge you to continue to study up on the resources here. It could help you at least understand her behaviors and depersonalize things a bit.

take care, pearl.

[pearlsw]

Hi Improv,

Here is the book title, one of the other Staff highly recommends it and I wanted to share it with you: The High Conflict Couple

best, pearl.