She's planning her move out and it sucks

[downheart]

My w emailed today and we started a discussion about her moving out. She wants back in the house at the end of the month and says her therapist advised her not to have any kids around. It's all reasonable and makes sense, so I'll take off with my daughters for a week.

She and I starting emailing about stuff - who gets which TV sort of thing. For now she's moving into a furnished apartment nearby, so she's not taking much. But, oh man, just talking about it has this sense of finality - this is really happening! - that fills me with dread, guilt, sorrow. Even though we haven't been living together for four months, dealing with STUFF just makes me feel awful all over again.

I know it's the right thing and yet part of me just wants to shout NOO!... .Right now I want to say wait, all is forgiven, we love each other, we screwed up, let's try again.

Yesterday a friend of mine encouraged me to take a character study called VIA. It's a positive psychology site that tries to encourage you to use your strengths to better yourself instead of dwell on the near impossibility of changing your weaknesses. Well, my top two strengths are kindness and forgiveness. Yup, that's what got me in all this trouble and it's still what's pulling me back and making me want more pain.

Ugh.

No need to reply. I just had to shout into the ether.

[pearlsw]

Hi downheart,

I'm out here in the ether and just wanted to say I know how much that part of a break up hurts - the dividing up of the stuff. I think the first time I chickened out a bit/was generous and just said take it all! The second time I didn't keep much either. All in all it was peaceful, but still... .it is weird. It doesn't feel good.

I'd toss in treating myself to something/anything around this time to try to add in some extra happiness and lift my spirits!

Those are two great traits to have by the way. Looking forward they will serve you well in so many areas of your life!

warmly, pearl.

[DivDad]

I certainly understand the place you are in now.  It's not easy, but time will help.

As a suggestion, you might want to go through favorite photos of the kids (school pixs, vacations, etc.) and make a copy of them for your STBX.  This is what I did.  This way, there is a good faith effort on your part to share the kid's memories for your STBX to have after the final move out. 

All the other "stuff" is just stuff.

[Mustbeabetterway]

Hi downhearted,

You shouted out to the ether and we are here listening.  I am going through the splitting up things trauma, too.  It really hurts.  Like you, I have turned it over and over and I know that being together is not healthy now, but something inside of me also wants to shout- wait, I love you!  But, then I think about the cycle repeating endlessly and that stops me. 

We hear you, keep shouting out.  DivDad has some good practical suggestions. 

Peace and blessings,

Mustbe

[Educated_Guess]

The moving thing was hard for me too.  By the time came for her to leave, I was ready for her to go because I just did not want my home, my space filled with a pervasive sense of anger and hatred. 

But I was still scared of living alone.  I almost panicked on move out day and felt like I wanted to beg her to stay. I calmed myself by coming here are reading some posts.  It reminded me that what I had felt was real and that I deserve better.  I continued to read posts while she packed things up.  By the time she was ready to leave (I had to follow her in my car to take some things to a storage unit) I felt more annoyed that she was interrupting me from reading a really interesting post.

Forgiveness is important and it will free you from the wrong that has been done to you.  But forgiveness doesn't mean that you need to accept being continually mistreated.  Forgiveness doesn't mean being a doormat.

[eeps]

i felt exactly the same way when my bf moved out two weeks ago. like, "what is happening? how did it come to this? don't go, i love you!" and just feeling like, there's no turning back now, i really did put this in motion. but! that's empowering too! i did it, i FINALLY said "Enough!"
i'm just trying to balance out the sadness, anger, and relief right now.

[Mustbeabetterway]

There are some really good points in this thread.  I agree Educated_Guess being able to eventually forgive rids us of anger that festers.  I also agree that forgiveness doesn’t meaning opening ourselves up to be mistreated again and again.  

How are you doing, downheart?  How are things since a little time has passed?  I hope better.

Peace and blessings,

Mustbeabetterway

[Educated_Guess]

i felt exactly the same way when my bf moved out two weeks ago. like, "what is happening? how did it come to this? don't go, i love you!" and just feeling like, there's no turning back now, i really did put this in motion. but! that's empowering too! i did it, i FINALLY said "Enough!"
i'm just trying to balance out the sadness, anger, and relief right now.

I’m right there with you, eeps.  The balancing act is hard.  I’m at two months now.  It starts getting easier. 

[SerendipityChild]

I felt more annoyed that she was interrupting me from reading a really interesting post.

This made me giggle a bit EG=)
This site is a huge help for all of us and I can't thank everyone enough.

[Educated_Guess]

This made me giggle a bit EG=)
This site is a huge help for all of us and I can't thank everyone enough.

Glad it made you laugh.  It made me laugh at the time too. 

This site is a Godsend.  When I start to doubt myself because of all of the gaslighting, I come here and it reminds me that BPD is real that that my feelings are real.  I cannot thank y'all enough!

[Educated_Guess]

Yesterday a friend of mine encouraged me to take a character study called VIA. It's a positive psychology site that tries to encourage you to use your strengths to better yourself instead of dwell on the near impossibility of changing your weaknesses. Well, my top two strengths are kindness and forgiveness. Yup, that's what got me in all this trouble and it's still what's pulling me back and making me want more pain.

Downheart, I was thinking about this post again.  Forgiveness is both my strength and weakness.  I've been struggling a lot with this whole concept.  This video on forgiving asss has helped me tremendously:

https://youtu.be/VhmRkUtPra8

Actually I recommend all of Nadia Bolz Weber's videos on YT.  They have really helped me get through this.

Blessings to you on your path to becoming a free person!