How to deal with the cheating?

[BreatheFirst]

A big issue that I am struggling with at the moment is processing the cheating that happened during our relationship.  He broke our relationship off 4 times prior to actually leaving (the 5th time).  At each break up I found out he was talking or texting an old (short-term) girlfriend. The last time I caught him he had been talking to this girl for 6 months (texting daily) then they progressed to exchanging naked videos.  If I hadn't caught him at that point they may have met up to make it a reality.

I am struggling processing this pattern and the actual betrayal.  Its something I juggle with my feelings of wanting him back too. Cheating is not acceptable behaviour to me, yet I yearn for him.  I feel conflicted.

I keep asking myself how could he do this?  And why do they do this? I wish I knew why they pursue other people like this. Does anyone have any thoughts/theories that may help me process this? Thanks

[Woodchuck]

BreatheFirst-
I am on the other side.  I am the cheater.  I am not sure how to go about successfully processing it with a pwBPD.  I don't know if looking at it in reverse is helpful or not.  I approached my W with my affair.  I decided that it was the 'right' thing to do.  Looking back, I am not sure if right=best.  I guess the real question you have to ask yourself first is, will or does he take responsibility for his cheating?  If he doesn't then it is probably very difficult to process.  I have always taken full responsibility for my affair.  I have not made any excuses or justifications or told her that if she did this or didn't do that then it wouldn't have happened.  This has not made any positive impact on our relationship but due to the fact that she very likely suffers from BPD, it is quite understandable.  With your relationship and you being the non, I believe that it would be imperative for him to own his choices and communicate that to you in a way that you understand. 
As to why he does this, there could be be a whole myriad of issues.  From what I have read, pwBPD that cheat, do so for different reason usually than non's do.  For me, it was emotional starvation.  That is not by any means justification.  There is no way for me to justify my actions, but I can explain what influenced my choice. 
I think feeling conflicted is normal as you have developed a relationship with him and his choices don't erase what you have built.  I pray that you will find peace and be able to process the feelings and that time will bring healing.

Woodchuck

[Mutt]

Hi Breathefirst,



I'm sorry that this happened to you   I can relate with the pain and hurt from being cheated on, we have a different perspective on the r/s and then you come to find out that your pwBPD doing secretive things - betrayal is tough.

Cheating was a deal breaker for me too, I can understand why she does it but even though you have a mental illness you are responsible to take care of yourself and get better / stable.

A pwBPD fear being abandoned, abandonment fears are a central feature of the disorder, having r/s's with others creates exit strategies if you're abandoned by your partner or you feel like you're going to be abandoned by your partner then you're not going to feel like you're alone if you're in a transitional r/s with someone else?

[Educated_Guess]

BreatheFirst, I'm sorry you are going through this.  It can make you feel worthless and unwanted and that is such a hard thing to face.

I think that pwBPD want desperately to experience the good times of a relationship, the honeymoon phase.  They really want to believe you are the person they have been waiting for that will fill that void within themselves.  But no one can live up to that expectation and you eventually disappoint them somehow.  This is not so much a problem with you as it is that they have an unrealistic expectation of what you can provide for them and what relationships are about.

Relationships are not only about the good times.  Stay in a relationship long enough and you'll eventually have to work through some crap together.  This happens because we are human and we all have crap to work on.  But a pwBPD cannot face this moment in a relationship.  It requires some honesty about your weaknesses and the willingness to take some responsibility.  It takes both people being willing to go through that process together for a relationship to last.

But pwBPD usually cannot handle that (unless they are working on their issues in therapy).  When they figure out that you are not this perfect person that can solve all their problems, they have a choice to make:  1)stay and work through it together or 2)run and distract themselves with someone else.  The latter is the easiest choice to make as it doesn't require any personal responsibility.  They may even feel that you deserve to be punished because you failed at being the person who was going to solve all their problems and cheating works as a punishment.

It still hurts being cheated on though, even if you do know this.  But understand that it is not really about any failing in you.  It is because they cannot stand to look at themselves.  It hurts that you don't seem to be worth the effort to work through the problems.  But you are worth it.  They don't even think they are worth the effort of working on their own issues.  If they can't do that for themselves, how can they do it for someone else?

You deserve to be with someone who values you because of who you are, not because of what they think you can do for them.  You deserve to be with someone who is willing to fight for you and for your relationship.  That is what mature love is and you are worth it!

Blessings to you!

[Woodchuck]

It still hurts being cheated on though, even if you do know this.  But understand that it is not really about any failing in you.  It is because they cannot stand to look at themselves.  It hurts that you don't seem to be worth the effort to work through the problems.  But you are worth it.  They don't even think they are worth the effort of working on their own issues.  If they can't do that for themselves, how can they do it for someone else?

You deserve to be with someone who values you because of who you are, not because of what they think you can do for them.  You deserve to be with someone who is willing to fight for you and for your relationship.  That is what mature love is and you are worth it!

BreatheFirst-
Educated_Guess makes some very good points that you should try to take to heart.  If he cannot take full responsibility for his choices, that is not good.  It doesn't matter if you could have done 100 things different, it was still his choice.  You do deserver someone that values you as EG says as well as someone that is willing to fight in a healthy way for your relationship.  I would not accept any less at this point in my life.  Hang in there.  I will be praying for peace and healing for you.

WC

[BreatheFirst]

Thanks Educated Guess and Woodchuck. He didnt take responsibility in fact he blamed my lack of attention for the on line affair. Maybe he was emotionally starved cause I was busy with my 9 month old twins at that time. I just don't know whats my fault and not anymore.

I do think he can't bear to look at himself and work through things. Thats where he derails.

Will write more later.

[Cat Familiar]

I do think he can't bear to look at himself and work through things. Thats where he derails.

My heart goes out to you BreatheFirst, and having twins, your hands were full, figuratively and literally.  

I was married to a BPD serial infidelitor (is that a word?)  And I too was blamed for his "need" to cheat. That blame didn't endear him to me, that's for sure.

What you've said is key. It seems that pwBPD struggle with such extreme shame that looking at themselves objectively is altogether too painful. Because they see things in black and white terms, when confronted with their failings, it's far easier to blame us rather than look at their own behavior.

[Woodchuck]

Thanks Educated Guess and Woodchuck. He didnt take responsibility in fact he blamed my lack of attention for the on line affair. Maybe he was emotionally starved cause I was busy with my 9 month old twins at that time. I just don't know whats my fault and not anymore.

I do think he can't bear to look at himself and work through things. Thats where he derails.

Will write more later.

BreathFirst
Whatever you do, don't allow him to blame you for his choice.  I was emotionally starved but that was no excuse for me to be unfaithful.  I have refused to allow myself to place any amount of blame on anyone else for my choices.  If he can't own up to it and own what he did, that is not fair and it will be extremely difficult for you to work through it.  Even with me completely owning my unfaithfulness, we have not been able to work on moving past that.  I would not allow his projection of fault or guilt to take hold.  You are worthy and deserve a faithful partner.  If he was emotionally starved, there were healthy ways for him to deal with that even if that meant leaving, though that is extreme.  At the very least, he should have been able to communicate his needs to you and been able to step back and be understanding of the responsibilities that you were trying to manage. 

WC

[Educated_Guess]

What you've said is key. It seems that pwBPD struggle with such extreme shame that looking at themselves objectively is altogether too painful. Because they see things in black and white terms, when confronted with their failings, it's far easier to blame us rather than look at their own behavior.

Yes yes yes!  In Randall Lang's research on the experience love and loving, he pointed out something that was pivotal for me.  He says that a person who can only see things from their own perspective and cannot tolerate a certain degree of imperfection in their partner actually has high levels of self contempt.  That self contempt cannot be accepted so it becomes projected onto the partner.  After I read that, I saw the negative things my BPD ex said about me as really being expressions of self contempt.  She hated in me what she really hated in herself.