Silence

[Clearmind]

A family friend has a BPD mother and NPD father. After a what seems like a minor argument they have given my friend the silent treatment for months now. They have blocker her, immediate family and her friends on all social media and email.
 
My friend oscillates between wanting to reach out and wanting to leave it as status quo. I do understand her reluctance to reach out and wondered if others could share if they have been in the same situation and what her options are.
 
Thanks heaps

[HappyChappy]

Hey Clearmind,

I’m sure you know this, but the silent treatment is very common among people with a personality disorder. My experience is that my BPD / NPD have never apologies or back down on anything. So possibly your friend has the same issue, they have to eat humble pie or walk away.

For example a BPD relative of mine, punched our son and then insulated pretty much ever member of our family. There had been months of abusive behaviour, so I went no contact (NC) with them, because this triggered my CPTSD, so I had no choice.

NC for 3 year, when our only demand was they apologies and ensure it never happens again. They harranged me for 3 years, threwing abuse and threats, all to avoid having to admit they did anything wrong. When we did reconnect, in place of an apology were demands that my son apologies for making her jealous (which is why he got hit) and that she will use corporal punishment whenever she see fit.

She is now stating she will cut the kids out of her life (after demanding their presence), if they do not write letters of thanks for their birthday cards (no presents) AND giver her their personal e-mails and mobile phone numbers.

If my BPD & NPD ever gave me the silent treatment I tended to enjoy it, because my BPD was an agressive nag. The silence was wonderful. Would any of this help your friend ? Could she use the silent treatment to her advantage ? It does occur that a BPD requires narcisstic supply, so for them to do the silent treatment, it suggest they are getting this elsewhere. If that source ends, maybe so will the silent treatment (just applying logic, rather than science). What do you think your friend should do ?

[Harri]

Hi Clearmind.  It is good to see you here.

Dealing with the Silent treatment is tough as I see it as a form of abuse.  I do realize some people will often go quiet if they are hurt but that generally ends sooner or later.

Given the extent of this (no phone calls, blocking social media, etc) I think the message being sent is "We don't want to hear from you" and I would respect that.  I say respect that but I mean it more in the way of preserving my own self respect.  What would approaching the parents look like?  To me it seems too much like begging and it reinforces abusive behavior.

I put up with decdes of my mom giving me the silent treatment (while still living with her) and once I finally moved out, she went silent on me.  It hurt but I used it to my advantage (by working on me) and when she finally reached out to me, about a year and a half after, I responded but I let her know if she ever did it again, I would not be the one to reach out.  I used it as an opportunity to re-write our relationship and established some pretty firm boundaries. 

I'm not sure if my response helps though.  I guess what I am saying is your friend can use this as an opening to decide what she wants in the relationship given what she knows of her family and take control of things from her end (not to control her parents but to set limits).

 

[zachira]

When someone's reaction to a person and/or situation is beyond what is reasonably normal, I think we can safely assume that this is more about him/her and probably has little to do with the person or situation he/she is reacting to. The challenge for your friend is to deal with the hurt that comes from the silent treatment and realize even though it hurts very deeply, her parents are acting the way they are because of who they are not who she is. 
My mother has BPD and NPD. My father had narcissistic traits, and my two siblings have BPD and NPD traits. There has been a lot of silence in my life, because I have been ignored as a person by them for all of my life. At times, the silence is about there not being any communication between us at all, and other times, it is about feeling invisible when in their presence.
Does your friend know about this site?

[Clearmind]

Hey Clearmind,

I’m sure you know this, but the silent treatment is very common among people with a personality disorder. My experience is that my BPD / NPD have never apologies or back down on anything. So possibly your friend has the same issue, they have to eat humble pie or walk away.

For example a BPD relative of mine, punched our son and then insulated pretty much ever member of our family. There had been months of abusive behaviour, so I went no contact (NC) with them, because this triggered my CPTSD, so I had no choice.

NC for 3 year, when our only demand was they apologies and ensure it never happens again. They harranged me for 3 years, threwing abuse and threats, all to avoid having to admit they did anything wrong. When we did reconnect, in place of an apology were demands that my son apologies for making her jealous (which is why he got hit) and that she will use corporal punishment whenever she see fit.

She is now stating she will cut the kids out of her life (after demanding their presence), if they do not write letters of thanks for their birthday cards (no presents) AND giver her their personal e-mails and mobile phone numbers.

If my BPD & NPD ever gave me the silent treatment I tended to enjoy it, because my BPD was an agressive nag. The silence was wonderful. Would any of this help your friend ? Could she use the silent treatment to her advantage ? It does occur that a BPD requires narcisstic supply, so for them to do the silent treatment, it suggest they are getting this elsewhere. If that source ends, maybe so will the silent treatment (just applying logic, rather than science). What do you think your friend should do ?

Goodness Happy Chappy that wasn’t a fun read. What brought me to the board was an ex who had BPD. He never did the silent treatment so I wasn’t sure what to tell W (family friend). It’s been 6 months now since she heard from her mother or father.

I did say to her that whatever she decides to do it needs to be right for her and that if she’s after peaches and cream she won’t get it - she needs to be OK with that. We often want an outcome that never eventuates. It’s such a tough one.

I tend to agree with you that W does seem a lot calmer and it’s taken her 6 years to get to get to the stage where is OK with how it is.

You make a really good point about the Mum getting her supply elsewhere. That hadn’t crossed my mind. W’s sister T is what I believe to also have BPD. The sister is also not talking to one another however T and Mum talk upwards of 5 times a day. They are enmeshed however their relationship is very very rocky. They are both in social groups now where before they isolated themselves. T has new friends and Mum does too. It till topple at some stage.

Thank you for your insight. It got me thinking. I do hope your situation gets better. It’s never my tendency to step back or go NC but in some situations it’s the only option. Take care

[Clearmind]

Given the extent of this (no phone calls, blocking social media, etc) I think the message being sent is "We don't want to hear from you" and I would respect that.  I say respect that but I mean it more in the way of preserving my own self respect.  What would approaching the parents look like?  To me it seems too much like begging and it reinforces abusive behavior.

Thanks Harri. I haven’t been here a while then sometimes you need to come back for a refresh! My father has traits however he and I have a great relationship mostly. I’m not that familiar with BPD with parents.

This is it. Blocking on social media is a big deal and a deal breaker. You’re right it does imply that she doesn’t want contact. Ironically the Mum did text my friends daughter blowing her up that she had to find out about her engagement on social media. But the thing was she had blocked the entire family - even my friends daughter.

W’s self respect is super important. She has mentioned to me that she’s concerned what if something happens to them and there has been this silence for goodness knows how long - I understand her sadness - I still believe what you have said that blocking is a big deal. All of W’s friends are blocked too. She’s wiped everyone. The Dad hasn’t blocked but I suspect it’s so she still knows what’s happening.

Thanks heaps for that info 

[Clearmind]

When someone's reaction to a person and/or situation is beyond what is reasonably normal, I think we can safely assume that this is more about him/her and probably has little to do with the person or situation he/she is reacting to. The challenge for your friend is to deal with the hurt that comes from the silent treatment and realize even though it hurts very deeply, her parents are acting the way they are because of who they are not who she is. 
My mother has BPD and NPD. My father had narcissistic traits, and my two siblings have BPD and NPD traits. There has been a lot of silence in my life, because I have been ignored as a person by them for all of my life. At times, the silence is about there not being any communication between us at all, and other times, it is about feeling invisible when in their presence.
Does your friend know about this site?

Thank you Zachira. She does know. It takes time for some to recognise the real issues in a family and even longer to seek outside help. I’m working on that and hoping she will join. There’s been a long long history of abuse including extremely hurtful words cast on her kids. Her boundaries were very weak and she has a lot to overcome from her past. I’m mindful of not getting too involved to solve it for her 

That feeling of being invisible is massive and I do believe she’s triggered right now. Thanks for your response.

[Fie]

Hello Clearmind 


Please tell your friend I sympathise. I have been gotten the silent treatment from my parents, sister and grandma.

Interestingly, they cut contact around the period that I started to heal and put up boundaries.

At first, it hurt so much. I tried to find ways to deal better with the situation. Until I realized that the problem was really them, not me, so I couldn't really deal 'better' if they didn't want to deal at all.

After some time I realized that their NC was actually for the best. They clearly could not behave in a healthy way. I was anxious the whole time, even only thinking about them. I have a daughter who also was in the unhealthy mix. I realized that, even being family, I don't want them near my child if they cannot uphold some level of normalcy. I want my kid to be happy and emotionally healthy. And I want the same for myself. Personally I think that's very difficult with BPD / NPD around.

Again, please tell your friend that there are people who understand. She's welcome on here, we all have dealt with similar situations.

xxx