" Sorry, but I've decided to get out of the line of fire.."

[sparrowfarfrom home]

HAve you ever come to the point of saying this in so many words?  (1)

Explanations, defense, justification, helping them to see their view is distorted. ... NEVER  has worked ...

Despite no contact  the arrows are still pointed at you as they have been for so many years .

When they want to finally engage after years of no contact,  to blameyou again  and you say, 

(1) " The arrows have been pointed at me for so many years... .I just decided to get out of the line of fire".

And just leave it like that, on their lap, to do with as they please... .

No more explanation,  just leave it as you have stated it.

Anyone done that? ?

It's what I plan to do.

[Harri]

Hi! 

Have you been contacted? 

I think saying no is fine.  Refusing to engage in unproductive communication is healthy.  Don't JADE (justify, argue, defend, explain) as it tends to make things worse and it is degrading for us. 

What led you to this decision?

[zachira]

You are recognizing that no matter what you do, these people will never change. That is how personality disorders are. You don't see a person for a long period of time, and they are the same as ever whether he/she is forty years old or seventy. I too am working on getting out of the line of fire, as I recognize that I will always be blamed for the unhappiness of my BPD family members even though I have nothing to do with how they feel and behave. Take care and keep us posted on how you are doing.

[sparrowfarfrom home]

Harri,

I don't know what led me to that phrase, but it just seemed to be a good one.
It's an explanation that I will refuse to explain.

It's vague enough yet powerful enough to encapsulate my decisions. They won't know what arrows mean or which incidents they refer to so they really can't rebut anything.it just means, " that was my life so I now choose to be gone."

I went no contact w my uBPD sister who lives in uBPD mom's house 3 years ago.
Altho my mother caused me pain, she had bouts of apologising and truly trying to understand our relationship issues. It was all basically still blame because she would always revert due to having no tools to change.

My s. Never apologized or tried to mend our relationship. She told my mom's friends not to visit period.
So my mom with dementia didn't realize the back story about why her friends "abandoned" her.

In the last 3 years I wanted to send my mom a card or call her. I offered to go there to help out.
I told all of this to my brother who would always say, " no you better not, it'll set off ww3."

So for 3 years I haven't spoken to my mom. I was paralyzed about what to do.
My mission was always to be loving and supportive, but used to things being  turned into inevitable dramas. So I was hands off without wanting to be w regard to my mom.

Now mom is in a nursing home,  wrote a letter to me about how hurt she is at my abandoning her
When she took me  and my son in for 5 years when my husband left. Etcetc. No love, concern, normal motherly affection. She does not want to speak to me at this time.

My brother forgot I had said the things I did about the cards etc. He said, "no I don't really remember , but it sounds like what might have happened... .".

His lack of caring hurts just as bad. He doesn't see or get the BPD thing at all. When I did go NC he said he understood. But he has a very numb brain, lacking in empathy.

So, that sentence was just a thought that kept running through my brain

[Learning2Thrive]

  sparrowfarfromhome,

I did something like that about 17 years ago. I tried some LC a couple different times but painfully realized it simply was not safe for me. There is no one size fits all answer.

How are you doing today? What are you doing to take good care of you?
 

  L2T

[Gifthorse]

Yep! To all you that question my decision... .Just like to say, I put up with this for 30 plus years and would like to see how long you would put up with this! I know exactly what you are going through! Went 15 years nc... .Went to visit her and it was like not a day had passed... .Guilt trip for staying away... .Controlling behaviour after one day. Something that helps me is to think "It´s not her, it´s the disorder... .Hope this helps somewhat... .

[quietgirl]

This tactic is something that I've used:  Don't JADE (justify, argue, defend, explain) as it tends to make things worse and it is degrading for us. 

Really no one told my family about it, just through trial and error we have all learned it was in our best interest.  Like "don't poke the bear"

I am struggling w/ the "do I remove a close family member from my life" question also.
It seems cruel but I once had someone tell me this:

If a person in your life is causing you more pain than the absence of that person in your life would cause, then you have your answer.

Is having your mom or sister in your life more painful than not having them.

Its a powerful question, and truly one I've been debating.
My issue is that my adult BPD sister is in constant contact and is some what reliant on our family for financial / social support.  I am wracked w/ guild about cutting that off.
Like it would be my fault if she gets worse.

What was the line you drew where you stopped contact?

[sparrowfarfrom home]

Quiet girl  the line was when I realized that pure discord, and evil was being sown by my sister against all who had ever loved my mom.

That was it. There was no reasoning.  It was a big step to go NC but looking back I have more peace than I would have had if I didnt.

It was years of this type of behavior,  and it just became the last straw. My conciuosness re BPD was being raised, and I saw the true reality of what was and would always be. With the help of this board  I knew what the options were, weighed them and came to a decision.

The reason we feel badly about doing this is because we have a conscience and normal feelings of loyalty and love which they do not have.

There are boards out there for BPD persons who want the disorder not to be stigmatized,  but they do not seem to  get the fear, pain, trauma they cause us. They are all about healing but I haven't seen real hard core acknowledgement about the HORROR  they dish out. They are defensive about it.

Does anyone know of any real BPD forums for those who have it and get the pain they have caused?

Seems mostly about their poor feelings of shame, depression and aloneness... etcetc.

Wonder if anyone has any insights on this?

[Harri]

Hi sparrow!

I am not familiar with a forum dedicated to healing BPD where all the people are able to acknowledge the hurt they have caused though that is not to say they aren't out there.  I have read a few cases where the pwBPD did recognize the hurts they caused and were devastated by it or were aware and decided to keep to themselves. 

One problem is that recognizing the consequences of their behaviors is often the last thing to be addressed in counseling and rightly so.  They can't accept responsibility if they can't even recognize there is a problem and learn to regulate it. 

[sparrowfarfrom home]

Harri,
So true.