Self-care is difficult.

[deirdre]

Hi everyone,
I am feeling a little weighed down by how long healing takes. I seem to want it to just be over, even though it won't be and I need to work on ways to cope instead. Still struggling with making time for myself and putting effort into myself. I don't even do the 15 minutes of stretches that I need to for my physical healing a day at minimum. Why is self care so difficult?
I wrecked my car last week as well, so now I have more muscle problems to deal with, nothing major though. The only way I went to the chiropractor to get adjusted was because my sister took me with her to hers. Otherwise I would probably never have made an appointment for myself. I am grateful that she reminds me to do stretches and things to take care of myself, it helps keep me a little motivated.
There is also so much drama at work, I am trying hard to stay out of it and just go and do my job and go home. But the environment is draining to me. I knew it before taking the job but I always think I am super woman and can do everything and handle everything. It doesn't help that I use controversial methods for animal treatment and get a hard time for not "making them listen", which I professionally am studying animal behavior and training so it isn't like I am not qualified in my methods. So now I am seen as a pushover anyways and I got there knowing full well that I wasn't, but being told that is what I am I feel it sinking in and starting to doubt myself. One of my co-workers even talked to me about not getting sucked in and walked all over, since she feels like she was when she started working there. Where does the line between being a good worker and being walked on meet? I honestly don't know. I don't think i can recognize when I am being used or not, which scares me, I don't know how to learn these self preservation instincts that I seem to lack. But other people see that I am lacking them, I have been called out on them so many times this year.
On the bright side, since I am being called out on it this year, that means I am showing emotion. It means it is visible that I am struggling, I am learning not to hide it. Which sounds like a weird thing to be proud of, but I am. I cried in front of my sister a few times already, it is great to be able to show emotion. I still have to remind myself the whole time that it isn't weakness.
I really need to find a T here, I can't even make myself a PT appointment though. Again, I just don't know how to take care of myself, I can pay my bills and do the minimum to survive as an adult. But I am never going to thrive if I can't balance that out with being kind to myself.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi deirdre,

Again, I just don't know how to take care of myself, I can pay my bills and do the minimum to survive as an adult. But I am never going to thrive if I can't balance that out with being kind to myself.

I'm so sorry for the struggle you are in; this journey definitely takes time. I think in some ways us adult survivors are like little children on the inside who have to learn what it means to grow up because we never had the chance. The emotional needs we had were severly neglected by our pwBPD, and that'growing up' time takes a bit of work. It's so rewarding though!

Have you looked at the list on the right hand side of our board? I think that gives a nice synopsis of what you can expect as your journey moves along. ------>> >  Where would you say you are? Btw, there's no right or wrong answer. It is unique for each of us.


 
Wools

[deirdre]

Hi woolspinner
I would say that I am somewhere around 8 and 9 right now. Figuring out what what parts of myself and my behavior are self-sabotaging my life. I am still dipping my toes into 14 as well, trying to mourn so I can heal, but even being at 14 I feel like 15 and up are miles away.

I did after posting make appointments for T consults finally. Yay me! I met with one today, I really liked her. But I also made an appointment with a different T for next week, I want to make sure I get the best fit. I also contacted a physical therapist, I am feeling more determined to try and heal myself. I did this after heading to work and turning around because I was having massive anxiety. I had to call in and say I would be in later, I am lucky to have a good boss and flexible schedule currently. But having to do that was the push I needed to start making phone calls.

[Harri]

Hi Deirdre!  I've been wondering how you are doing.  thanks for the update.  I am sorry to hear about your car and the problems at work.  learning to regulate your emotions after being turned off for so long is difficult but it can be done.  Truly.  Just be easy on yourself and remember every time you feel something you are putting light on an area that saw only darkness before.  Tears are healing.  

it is great to be able to show emotion. I still have to remind myself the whole time that it isn't weakness.

Exactly!

I talk with my T a lot about all the things I never learned and she reminds me that each time I try something new or learn something it will help for the next time.  It is not a good idea to keep focusing on all the things you don't know... .focus on the fact that you can and will learn (who am I to talk here though?  haha, do as I say... .)  

Self care will get better the more you do it and the more you begin to realize you have value and are worthy of self care.  In the meantime, let your sister help you and do your stretching!  =]  

Where does the line between being a good worker and being walked on meet? I honestly don't know.

Use work as an opportunity to learn more skills until you can get another job.  I don't mean work skills so much as learning to relate to difficult people and staying out of drama, having strong boundaries and managing your emotions.  Try seeing the opportunity to learn when you go in rather than the chore it, unfortunately, sounds like, especially if jobs are hard to come by and you need to work.  

Deirdre, I think you are doing so well and I am very happy you popped in to say hello and get some support.  We are here when you need us.

[Learning2Thrive]

I just don't know how to take care of myself, I can pay my bills and do the minimum to survive as an adult. But I am never going to thrive if I can't balance that out with being kind to myself.

  deirdre,

I’m so happy that you posted today. I think you know more about how to take care of yourself than you realize. That part I highlighted is you stating exactly what you need to do. It just takes practice. You don’t have to be perfect. Adjustments can be made at any time.

What is one positive thing you can do to take care of yourself today?

  L2T

[deirdre]

Harri
You always make me feel so extra welcome I appreciate it! Yes my job is a great opportunity to learn how to deal with difficult people and to practice my boundaries. As long as I have boundaries this job is great. I think that is my homework to myself right now, I need to focus on what my boundaries are in that environment so that I don't get blindsided with them being crossed with out my knowing.

Learning2Thrive
Thank you for the encouragement! Your right I do know how to take care of myself. It is more about practicing, I have that I want it all and I want it now mentality. I will try to be okay with not being perfect. I have a list and sticky notes of positive attributes that my mom wrote for me before I left, I still haven't unpacked them. I think I will unpack those today to take care of myself. I am also going to the chiropractor. 2 positive things planned! Yay!

[Learning2Thrive]

... .It is more about practicing, I have that I want it all and I want it now mentality. I will try to be okay with not being perfect. I have a list and sticky notes of positive attributes that my mom wrote for me before I left, I still haven't unpacked them. I think I will unpack those today to take care of myself. I am also going to the chiropractor. 2 positive things planned! Yay!

Yay dierdre! This is awesome.  Go you!  We are here for you... .all of us, helping each other through. Your story helps others too.

  L2T

[Harri]

Hi there!  You are welcome, always.   

As long as I have boundaries this job is great. I think that is my homework to myself right now, I need to focus on what my boundaries are in that environment so that I don't get blindsided with them being crossed with out my knowing.

So on those days when the job gets to you just know what you have to work on.  Remember though, sometimes you just may have a bad day and that is normal and happens to everyone. 

These people who disagree with how you do certain things on your job, are they in authority over you or are they just co-workers?  Can you just say "thanks but I've got this" or "thanks but I will do this my way" and then let it go?  Try not to internalize it?  Or am I reading the situation wrong?

Keep up the good self-care!  I think L2T is right when she says you do know how to take care of yourself. 

I have a list and sticky notes of positive attributes that my mom wrote for me before I left, I still haven't unpacked them. I think I will unpack those today to take care of myself.

What a wonderful gift she gave you!  Did you unpack them?

[Panda39]

Hi Deirdre,

I had similar issues with work, I struggled with boundaries too, and asking for what I needed, and always felt I had to button down my emotions.  I resented my boss and many of my co-workers because I didn't know how to approach them for what I needed.  I felt stuck.

One of the things I did was find someone in the office who was really good at diplomatically communicating and just watched her.  What was her tone, what language was she using (I'm very emotional, a "feeler" so sometimes I struggle to match words to what I'm feeling), did she have these conversations out in the open or behind closed doors, was she emotional or under control, or use humor?

If there is someone in your office that you feel does a good job negotiating situations you struggle with, spend some time watching them.  What are they doing and saying?  Maybe you can you pick ups some pointers that might work for you too.

If you notice some things you like maybe start giving them a try. To me living more comfortably in the work world is boundaries combined with diplomacy (hard work and humor too... .Oh and yes chocolate in the desk drawer  ). 

I agree with everyone else learning new skills take time and practice to master and become comfortable with.  You are definitely on the right track focusing on boundaries, keep at it! 

Take Care,
Panda39

[Harri]

How are you Deirdre?  Consider this a friendly poke!

Harri

[deirdre]

Thank you all so much for your advice. Panda39 I have been contemplating who has the best skills at work interpersonally. It is a family business though and the interpersonal part for all of them is really messy. But I have been trying to be aware of when communication goes smoothly and what it is about it. I think I need to keep a chocolate stash there, that is a great idea!

Harri
Thank you for the friendly poke. I am doing better, hence I am here. I have been struggling a lot though, I am at risk of failing my certificate program and having to redo it next year. It is so hard keeping up with everything and I am realizing that what I have been dealing with is a lot of depression. It kind of helps to admit it, but its easier to admit it after I am feeling better. But having weeks of wanting to stay in bed and not having any motivation to do anything at all is really putting a wrench in my plans that take high levels of motivation. The only way I snapped out of it this week is the Adrenalin rush from knowing I could fail my class and getting puppies that have to have attention.
My friend pointed out when I decided to get a puppy and bring his siblings home to socialize and home. That I have a very long standing habit of self-sabotaging myself by putting too much on my plate. I don't know how to function if I am not overwhelmed with too much to do and too many deadlines. If I don't have deadlines and a lot to keep my mind busy I just shut down. I keep saying I want balance, but I don't know how to function with balance. Atleast not yet. I found a therapist I like so I am having my first session with her tonight, hopefully she can help me work through ways to learn how to function in a healthy way.

[Harri]

Hello!

It kind of helps to admit it, but its easier to admit it after I am feeling better.

Your honesty about this made me smile.  It is so true! 

I think a lot of us struggle with depression.  It is hard to stay motivated and want to get up and do not just what needs to be done but things that will help us feel better too.  It is a horrible cycle to get into.  To feel better you have to take action but you feel too lousy to actually take that action.  Ugh.

I am sorry to hear you are struggling with your certificate program.  I hope the adrenaline rush helps you rally and push through.

I keep saying I want balance, but I don't know how to function with balance. Atleast not yet.

This is a great thing to realize.  Learning to function without all the stress and dysfunction is hard.  You have to unlearn and give up or change certain parts of yourself while also learning new ways to be.

Please let us know how therapy goes.  I am very glad you will be getting back to T.  That takes a lot of effort and courage and energy just to coordinate so I am very proud for you (I hope that comes across the way i want it to... .)

Now... .You mentioned puppies.  As in more than one... .puppy!  Details please!

[deirdre]

Harri
Thank you I will let you know how therapy goes! Yes I got a puppy for myself but in the process I also acquired his siblings, I am potty training and socializing them for the breeder in payment for my puppy. So I currently live with the dog I had before who got sick (why I am failing certification) because she was the dog I was using for the practical part of my certificate. I got another dog for awhile to replace her but he didn't work out sent him back yesterday and he is being rehomed. It has been crazy, but now I have 4 puppies at my house until the siblings get sold. They are good chill puppies so it is a joy to have them, they make me happy. Since I am working for the breeder doing mainly farm/kennel chores I am hoping she lets me keep socializing her puppies, I am finding out that I really enjoy that aspect of training. It helps balance out the mundanes of the rest of my job  but two of the puppies look almost exactly like the pup in my profile pic they are so cute then the other two are super wrinkly and squishy it is delightful.

[Harri]

Wow.  Now, I realize training and socializing animals takes skill and is hard work... .but you get 'paid to play' with adorable puppies!  Very cool.

What a great way to learn about trust and love too.  We have a lot of animal lovers here too.  I am sorry to hear your dog is sick though.  How is he doing now?

Squishy puppies... . 

[Learning2Thrive]

Hi deirdre 

I’ve been thinking about you and wondering how you are doing. How is the puppy socializing and training going?

How are you doing with self care?

Would love to hear from you when you have a moment.

  L2T

[deirdre]

Hey everyone,
I 100% got so lost in myself that I pushed this group completely out of my mind. So thank you to those who reached out and reminded me that I have support here still and nudging me back in the right direction.
First, I passed my last workshop for the most part yay! I still have video's I have to send in to make up for some of the things I didn't have completed in workshop though... .So still hanging by a thread. But I am not feeling as all consumingly overwhelmed and shut down now, so there is hope. I sent home the puppies I was watching a couple weeks ago, they weren't selling and I was getting overwhelmed. But it shows great progress that I was able to notice that I wasn't getting benefits anymore from having them and that they would be okay to go back, without feeling guilty  for sending them back to the kennel. My new pup is sassy as ever and constantly letting me know when I need to lighten up and make training and school more fun, under penalty of him grumbling at me playfully/annoyingly. Also, my other dog is doing a lot better she is finally acting like herself again, I think moving was really hard on her.

I am still working hard to not internalize other peoples criticism. I try to hard to put on a show of not caring what people think, but that wall is breaking down more everyday and I show my insecurities more. Which in a way is a good thing, but also telling that I need to have more faith in myself and not have it depend on others views of me. I have been trying this in a way with my art now that I am living on my own. Before I always shoved down any inspiration that I thought my parents or others who would see it would judge. So I kept my art "safe" nothing that could show any emotion, nothing that could have a clear meaning connected to my inner self. Now I have been painting with emotion, I even started painting naked angels, because I can. A couple weeks ago I did a series of paintings, words, from the list of positive attributes my mom wrote for me as requested by me for homework that my T gave me before I moved. Each painting ended up being charged with more depth and meaning then I even anticipated, I without consciously trying but letting myself just be painted how I see those positive attributes. It wasn't always positive, it showed my distorted perception of myself. Compared to how my mom probably saw the words. For example, one of the words is "Confidence" I have a push pull relationship with that word, with that attribute. I am someone people can be confident in and can confide in, that is the way my mother meant it. I also can display a show of confidence but as I dive deeper into myself I see how much confidence I lack, otherwise I wouldn't let others opinions of me cut so deep. But all the paintings a did a splatter technique for the background and this one ended up looking like blood. I realized how accurate that was, my confidence is bruised, bleeding but there none the less. It is hard won confidence and I have to keep fighting to gain more.

On another note, I am able to talk on the phone with my Mom and father wBPDu and not feel as many aweful feelings. Being out of that situation has helped, I can appreciate them more from afar and not feel like I have to get sucked into their lives or vis versa but can carry a conversation without feeling overwhelmed or angry. It is good. But it is also partially because I have been shoving my issues so far aside that I am going into suppress and ignore mode, staying distracted. I also started dating, I think as a way to distract myself further. But also because I realized my life was being taken over by stress and I didn't have any outlet for it because all i did was work and school. So in a way it is good, but in a way it is a defense mechanism that can lead down a dark path of distraction  to ignore my inner mess. It is hard to way the negatives and positives sometimes and still decide which way to go.

Also again I need to get back into therapy, I saw my T two times. Had some car problems and said i would reschedule later instead of rescheduling then... .It was a mistake and weeks later I haven't rescheduled. I need to get back into that. 

[Panda39]

Hi Deirdre,

Nothing wrong with taking a breather from all of this, puppies and art, you're my kind of girl 

I'm glad you enjoyed the puppies until you didn't and then returned them when you didn't.  Good for you to recognize when you were done.

I love that you are doing Art.  I think there are so many ways art (really any kind of creativity) can be helpful.  For me I find it helps me to not ruminate on things, when I'm making something I'm focused on what I'm doing right now, not ruminating on something from the past or worrying about something in the future.  I'm in the now. I find I don't express emotion per say, but am more of a builder... .I like to put things together... .though ultimately my art does convey a feeling.

I love that you were able to recognize "Confidence" and what that means to you in the imagery of your work.  Art is such a wonderful way to express what we feel inside.  Sometimes that is a more personal type of art, other times something more public to be shared, and other times it can reflect someone else (when we make something for someone specific), other times it can just be about the process and not a finished piece at all.

I encourage you to keep at this, both for fun and to work through things.

Now go call your Therapist and make an appointment! Says the Bossy Panda   

Take Care  ,
Panda39