Need advice and support: relationship went from amazing to garbage in 2 yr's

[LT83]

I recently found out my wife of 11 years was having an affair. I had suspicions 2 years ago but her gaslighting techniques left me confused, isolated and not sure which way was up.

I started going to therapy about two months ago. The first three sessions I spent beating myself up and telling her how terrible I was for this happening. On the fourth session my therapist asked me if I knew what gaslighting was and what BPD was. I did not.

When she told me about them it was like I was in the matrix and I took the red pill! My reality was completely schattered, yet again. I spent weeks learning as much as I could. I read articles,watched videos and finally now found some support!

What I found was amazing to me. My wife has the following traits... .thrill seeking, black and white thinking, easily bored w a constant need to be entertained, she had sexual affairs, she drinks a lot, she drives recklessly, she puts me in no win situations, she gaslights, she is very well loved w a magnetic personality and she has different personas for different situations.

I still have not told my family any of this bc I fear no one will believe me bc she is so great at hiding her disorder her own family has no idea. If I asked anyone who knew her if she was BPD they would say no.

She doesn’t rage like the typical BPD but she does have abandonment issues since she was a child. I recently read the book “Walking on eggshells” and it has helped. I don’t know how our great relationship went from amazing to garabage in two years.

There was a passage in the book that says I don’t know who this person is but I want my loved one back. That is exactly how I feel! I am sure the signs were always there I was not noticing and she was so good at hiding it that I probably never would have saw it.

I still wonder if she has BPD or she is a covert narcissist. Until I found out I had crippling depression for  four years. I lost 50 lbs I isolated myself and I grew angry and frustrated w everything. I am doing much better now w medicine and therapy.

I want to know what I can do to get her help. She doesn’t see that she has a problem and she does not like therapy. She has agreed to therapy but like most BPD people she says she will go and always has a excuse not to.

I have no friends anymore bc I have spent 4 years of my energy trying to make our relationship work. Any advice support or just words of encouragement would be much appreciated.

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[pearlsw]

Hi LT83,



You are not alone! I am sorry to hear all that is going on here - this is a quite a lot. A lot of people here will surely relate to your story of confusion, discovery, isolation, and uncertainty.

My SO is similar to yours on this point, I do not deal with rages on a regular basis. I deal with someone who has extreme black and white thinking - he cycles between idealizing and devaluing me. I do my best to depersonalize, but it can take a big toll on you, that is for sure!

He feels intense emotional pain and constantly breaks with me which has led us to have all manner of problems over the years, before I realized he has some form of mental illness.

I am sorry for the strong impact this has had on you with the depression and big weight loss! Last year the stress was causing me to have sudden weight loss, and then regain, and then lose again, not large amounts, but enough to be stressful. I am glad you have started therapy. If you keep posting here we can develop into an extra form of support for you as well, to bridge your time between those therapy sessions of you like!

Has her current affair stopped? You mention Narcissism and gaslighting, so I'm guessing she is not remorseful and making you feel pretty bad around all this? Is that right?  I am so sorry, that is so upsetting and painful when our relationships get so off track like this!

wishing you peace, pearl.

[LT83]

Wow you were exactly right. Her affair has stopped but she is not remorseful at all about her affair and she blames me. She accused me of years of emotional abuse only after she was caught in the affair. She said I tried to control her and that I still do. Through therapy I have realized that it wasn’t my fault but I still blame myself. I have codependency issues so this is very hard for me to handle. The gaslighting has stopped but only bc I started to catch her doing it. She would gaslight me in situations for no reason. I once asked her if she had to work late and if she could watch the boys while I went to therapy. She got mad and told me I told her she needed to find someone to watch the boys for me. I definitely asked her and in no way told her she had to find someone to watch the boys. I called her out on this and she shrugged it off and stopped gaslighting.

I feel like I am the only person in her life she does this to. Is this your experience or others out there? How do you not take it personally when you are devalued? I am in the devaluing phase and it’s emotionally draining. From what I read it can last years and I have probably been struck in this phase for years.

Thank you for your kind words there is so much more to my story that I will continue to tell. It’s so great to have support.

[Vols4555]

It is hard to be with someone who has no remorse.  It is almost a daily struggle for me bc  of my own pride.  I want to hear accountability even if it is with the smallest thing but never get it.

I also find it odd that the two people in my wife’s life who support her the most are the two people she really alienates with her BPD behavior but I assume it is bc her mom was never there for her that she doesn’t trust that I am actually there for her as well.  I am so depersonaliZed with all her actions that I feel like I really need to evaluate my limits and make sure my true needs are being met in our relationship.  I have been in denial for a while as well and thought I could fix it.

You should see if codependent no more would be a good book to help you handle it better.

Have you tried setting limits?  I am interested to hear more as I am about to go down that road using Stop walking on eggshells.

[LT83]

Vol

I have tried setting limits and that seems to be working. The problem is idk when she will engage in thrill seeking behavior and totally ignore those limits. Things are definitely a lot better but trust is a huge issue. I desperately want her to seek professional help but from what I learned in that book you can’t make someone get help they don’t want.

I would definitely recommend walking on eggshells. It has very great strategies and just ways at looking at BPD you might not have thought of. That book is how I found this website and if that’s all I gain then I feel truly blessed!

I will definitely read codependent no more. I am sure many people on this site can relate to codependency.