Need to know it will get better

[Our abuse recovery guide]

I don't know where to start. My daughter-in-law has turned into another person and has made me out to be the wicked witch of the WORLD! She is the adopted daughter of someone I went to high school with. We actually introduced them. She was abandoned by her birth mother and taken in by her adoptive mother. She is beautiful, smart and at one time, sweet. She moved to our state, eventually got pregnant and they married when my grand baby was one. She is now pregnant again. About a year ago she started lying about me to my son, saying I did things that I had not done. Things he KNEW I hadn't done. All of this coincided with her renewing her relationship with her biological mother who she at one point said she wouldn't let get near her child.

At one point we had been texting each other while she was at work while I had my grandchild. I was telling her how proud I was of her and happy about her new job she had started that day. She was sending me pictures of her new office. She came home and we had a great conversation with her telling me all about her job. (my son was out of town). We gave each other a hug and I left. A few hours later she sends a text to me and my son talking about how she "Can't deal with me and how I am violating her boundaries". I was STUNNED. I tried to call her, she wouldn't answer and when I called my son he just said give her some space, he didn't know what was wrong with her. It has been ON since then. She has lied to everyone about me. She has alienated my son's friends, all of their girlfriends/wives and all of his family.

A couple of weeks ago she decided to start a blog (she apparently got mad because I posted pictures on Facebook of my son's friends wedding that she chose not to come to because my son was out of town., she deleted all of us as friends so I don't know how she even saw the pictures)  her "blog" was nothing but lies about things I supposedly said and did but she entitled it "Monster-in-laws". Everyone who knows us knew it wasn't true and are beginning to realize she is unstable. The day she did this, she emailed me an invite to our grandchild's 2nd birthday that is in another state. I have been ill for several months and since my husband will be working out of town I can't drive that far so I probably wouldn't be able to go unless I'm feeling better. It isn't until the end of September. Well, two days ago, she sends an email "thanking everyone who responded" and ripping me because I hadn't. WE HAVE 2 MONTHS BEFORE THE PARTY! She said that I was ignoring my grandchild just because of a blog and that we would need to go to therapy before she would let me come around. I WANT to go to therapy because I want her to get help!

She actually told me a few moths ago, totally out of the blue, that her grandfather had been diagnosed with a mental illness but he never got treated for it. I believe her mother has issues because she literally dropped her off at the Y when she was 14 and abandoned her. She had a teenaged brother who committed suicide a few years ago. I was wondering if she was crying out to me for help but she has been rude and insulting to me so I don't think I am the one to help her. She went to counseling with my son and then told him that she he needed to get help! He is lost and doesn't know what to do at this point. I need to know how to approach him with the fact that I read about the behavior of someone with BPD and she seems to be a classic case. I need HELP! We will have a new grandchild in a few months and I feel like she is trying to cut us all off. It is possible that pregnancy, motherhood and seeing her biological mother again triggered her. I love my son and my grandbabies (including the unborn one)  more than anything in the world and I can't sit back and see my DIL's mental illness destroying their world! My husband and other son can't even talk about her she without blowing a gasket!

I know this is long but I NEED HELP! I can't sleep and am so sad all of the time. I miss my grand baby so much it hurts! My son works out of town several months at a time and he isn't here to intervene.

[JustGMa]

I don't know where to start. My daughter-in-law has turned into another person and has made me out to be the wicked witch of the WORLD! She is the adopted daughter of someone I went to high school with. We actually introduced them. She was abandoned by her birth mother and taken in by her adoptive mother. She is beautiful, smart and at one time, sweet. She moved to our state, eventually got pregnant and they married when my grand baby was one. She is now pregnant again. About a year ago she started lying about me to my son, saying I did things that I had not done. Things he KNEW I hadn't done. All of this coincided with her renewing her relationship with her biological mother who she at one point said she wouldn't let get near her child.

At one point we had been texting each other while she was at work while I had my grandchild. I was telling her how proud I was of her and happy about her new job she had started that day. She was sending me pictures of her new office. She came home and we had a great conversation with her telling me all about her job. (my son was out of town). We gave each other a hug and I left. A few hours later she sends a text to me and my son talking about how she "Can't deal with me and how I am violating her boundaries". I was STUNNED. I tried to call her, she wouldn't answer and when I called my son he just said give her some space, he didn't know what was wrong with her. It has been ON since then. She has lied to everyone about me. She has alienated my son's friends, all of their girlfriends/wives and all of his family.

A couple of weeks ago she decided to start a blog (she apparently got mad because I posted pictures on Facebook of my son's friends wedding that she chose not to come to because my son was out of town., she deleted all of us as friends so I don't know how she even saw the pictures)  her "blog" was nothing but lies about things I supposedly said and did but she entitled it "Monster-in-laws". Everyone who knows us knew it wasn't true and are beginning to realize she is unstable. The day she did this, she emailed me an invite to our grandchild's 2nd birthday that is in another state. I have been ill for several months and since my husband will be working out of town I can't drive that far so I probably wouldn't be able to go unless I'm feeling better. It isn't until the end of September. Well, two days ago, she sends an email "thanking everyone who responded" and ripping me because I hadn't. WE HAVE 2 MONTHS BEFORE THE PARTY! She said that I was ignoring my grandchild just because of a blog and that we would need to go to therapy before she would let me come around. I WANT to go to therapy because I want her to get help!

She actually told me a few moths ago, totally out of the blue, that her grandfather had been diagnosed with a mental illness but he never got treated for it. I believe her mother has issues because she literally dropped her off at the Y when she was 14 and abandoned her. She had a teenaged brother who committed suicide a few years ago. I was wondering if she was crying out to me for help but she has been rude and insulting to me so I don't think I am the one to help her. She went to counseling with my son and then told him that she he needed to get help! He is lost and doesn't know what to do at this point. I need to know how to approach him with the fact that I read about the behavior of someone with BPD and she seems to be a classic case. I need HELP! We will have a new grandchild in a few months and I feel like she is trying to cut us all off. It is possible that pregnancy, motherhood and seeing her biological mother again triggered her. I love my son and my grandbabies (including the unborn one)  more than anything in the world and I can't sit back and see my DIL's mental illness destroying their world! My husband and other son can't even talk about her she without blowing a gasket!

I know this is long but I NEED HELP! I can't sleep and am so sad all of the time. I miss my grand baby so much it hurts! My son works out of town several months at a time and he isn't here to intervene.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi JustGMa, 

I'm so glad you've joined us and shared your heartfelt first post. Here is a hug to start.   Such sad stuff, this turmoil of dealing with someone who has BPD. I'm so sorry.

You'll find that you are not alone as there are several other grand-moms here that are dealing with an in law who has BPD traits. What do you know about BPD so far? Have you started T?

Since a pwBPD is very sensitive to rejection, and you mentioned that your son works away from home for months at a time, I assume that he is gone away from her at times. Do you think she may be feeling rejected by him? Just thinking and wondering out loud if that is playing a part here.

Wools

 

[JustGMa]

Yes, I think that is part of it but they have always been apart for certain months their whole relationship( 6 1/2 years). And she knew that I was here whenever she needed me. It's like she is a different person. We used to be really close, go places together and she even spent the night at our house. I feel like as she has gotten close to the mother who rejected her she is now projecting those feelings on me. She seems real triggered every time she goes to visit her but now you would think the woman was a saint to hear her talk. Her adoptive mother, who I know from high school seems to walk on eggshells around her and I have spoken to her and she KNOWS there is a real problem but she won't do anything about it. She also lives in the same state as the bio mom. I miss my grand baby so much sometimes I just cry my eyes out. How do you get someone to get help who thinks that EVERYONE else on the face of the earth has a problem?

[JustGMa]

Also, I don't know much about this at ALL. I actually just stumbled on an article about this last week and read it with my mouth wide open because it was like I was reading about HER!

What is T?

[Woolspinner2000]

T is therapy. You can find a list of abbreviations Here.

We have a great list to the right hand side of our board. ----->> > Near the top is "Understanding BPD behaviours." Click on that and there will be more to read.

There are some great books to read, one of them being Stop Walking on Eggshells .

Read as much as you can, but be sure and let your brain rest from time to time as you take in this information. It can be overwhelming. You will find many other members who will be able to relate and understand. Jump right on in to posting and sharing your thoughts!

Wools

[Panda39]

Hi JustGMa,

I'd like to join Woolspinner in welcoming you to the BPD Family.  I'm sorry you find yourself here, but you've just found a group of people who get what you're going through because we've been there too.  

I can hear how upset you are and I would be too if I was accused of things I hadn't done and having a grandson in the balance.  I'm going to be honest here, none of us here today can give you a quick fix if we could this board wouldn't exist, but that doesn't mean there can't be improvement and things can't get better because they can.  

I'm curious how you found out about BPD?  I come at BPD from a slightly different angle my significant other (SO) has an undiagnosed BPD ex-wife (uBPDxw) and they have 2 daughters.  I discovered BPD by Googling "Chronic Lying" and there it was and the description fit.  Once I had a name for the issue, I hit my local library and read everything they had on BPD. Reading gave me a good grounding in what BPD is.  It took a year or two from there to find my way here.

Below are a couple of books I found particularly good... .

Overcoming Borderline Personality Disorder: A Family Guide for Healing and Change
by Valerie Porr, M.A.,

and

Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder by Paul Mason & Randi Kreger

At the heart of BPD is the fear of Abandonment, and your Daughter in Law (DIL) literally was abandoned by her biological mom.  What a horrible traumatic thing to have happen to anyone, but doubly so for someone with BPD.  I can only image the dysfunction she faced as a child.  

There are a lot of behaviors you will come across when you have a person with BPD (pwBPD) in your life.  One I am hearing in your post is a lot of projection.

Projection

Projection is a defense mechanism, operating unconsciously, in which what is emotionally unacceptable in the self is unconsciously rejected and attributed (projected) to others.  Projection is denying one's own unpleasant traits, behaviors, or feelings by attributing them, often in an accusing way,  to someone else.

Below is a link to more on projection (just give it a click)
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=70931.0

I see Wools has pointed you to the box to the right that is a great place to start! Read away!  Let us know if you have any questions or thoughts on how the new information relates to your situation.

Hang in there, you've just started down a path and we're all there with you.

Panda39

[quietgirl]

I just read the Walking on Eggshells book, it was helpful.  It is hard when its someone in your life you can't end a relationship with.  I also feel lost be/c I can't remove the relationship from my life and need to figure out a way to figure it out.  It seems impossible. 

Its helpful to hear about others stories, gives me hope it will get better.  Right now I feel its all I have, hope.

[Panda39]

Hi quietgirl,

Hang in there, and hang around here! It's nice to hear you are feeling hopeful    I'm glad to hear you found Stop Walking on Eggshells (SWOE) helpful.  When you have a relationship with someone with BPD it can be so chaotic and confusing. 

When I first met my significant other (SO) and I started to see the stuff his ex was doing all I did was ask "Why?"... ."Why" was she doing this or that... .or "Why" wasn't she doing this or that.  So much of what I was seeing I not only didn't understand, I didn't have words to describe it.  All I knew was the things she was doing weren't right and I was getting angry.

Discovering BPD and reading about it was when the light bulbs started coming on for me and things were beginning to make more sense.  I was able to sort through the chaos.  Then I came here.

What I find great about this site is that everyone is going through something similar, everyone is on a journey to negotiate someone with BPD in their lives, you've got some people that are ahead of you on the journey that can share what they know, and you have new people coming here everyday that are just getting started and you can share what you know with them.  This site also offers practical information and tools and the shared knowledge and experience of everyone here.  I'm glad you have decided to jump in an join the group.

It's great to see you posting on someone else's thread too   Keep posting and reading other people's posts, you will learn in your own time just as the rest of us have... .heck I still learn new things everyday and I'm one of the "old timers"... .who said old timer? 

Take Care,
Panda39

[JustGMa]

Thank you all SOO MUCH! I feel such a relief to have people to talk to. I actually went to a therapist a couple  of times last year but I didn't really have a feeling for what the problem might be back then.

I found this site because I happened upon an article about narcissistic personality disorder and that kind of sounded like her and when I googled it, it took me to a page called BPD Central that defined both and it was like the signs of someone with BPD fit her to a T! There was a link to this page there. I am SO glad I found you!

Right now, my son won't be home for about 5 more weeks. We want to see our Granddaughter! Her mother has once again manufactured a reason to be mad at me and I don't know how to approach her. Her last communication was pretty much saying that until we all went to counseling she didn't want any contact. When I said yes, I would LOVE to go to counseling, she then sent a message saying "Go by yourself and I will let you know when we can go together!"  I am trying to not upset my son while he is gone, there is nothing he can really do, so he doesn't even know about this mess. She is kind of manipulating things by saying don't tell my son about what she said to me because she doesn't want him to worry but I know it's just because she doesn't want him to know she is once again attacking me for no reason.

Does anyone have any ideas about how I can approach her? By email, text WHATEVER?

[Panda39]

Thank you all SOO MUCH! I feel such a relief to have people to talk to. I actually went to a therapist a couple  of times last year but I didn't really have a feeling for what the problem might be back then.

Hi JustGMa,

You might consider re-visting a Therapist (who has experience with BPD) again now that you have a better idea of what you're dealing with.  Getting a professional on board to help is not a bad idea.

I found this site because I happened upon an article about narcissistic personality disorder and that kind of sounded like her and when I googled it, it took me to a page called BPD Central that defined both and it was like the signs of someone with BPD fit her to a T! There was a link to this page there. I am SO glad I found you!

I'm glad you found us too, I landed here in much the same way... .Thank goodness for Google  

Right now, my son won't be home for about 5 more weeks. We want to see our Granddaughter! Her mother has once again manufactured a reason to be mad at me and I don't know how to approach her. Her last communication was pretty much saying that until we all went to counseling she didn't want any contact. When I said yes, I would LOVE to go to counseling, she then sent a message saying "Go by yourself and I will let you know when we can go together!"  I am trying to not upset my son while he is gone, there is nothing he can really do, so he doesn't even know about this mess. She is kind of manipulating things by saying don't tell my son about what she said to me because she doesn't want him to worry but I know it's just because she doesn't want him to know she is once again attacking me for no reason.

I agree with not pulling your son in on this, not so much because it would upset him, or distract him from his work etc.  But by doing so you enter into triangulation putting him in the middle, which usually is not a good way to go. (see the link below)  This is between your DIL and you.  Your son has no problem sharing his daughter with you when he is there so the issue is not with him.

Below is a link on the Karpman Triangle... .
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=108440.0

I also want to share some information on "Splitting" which may also be part of what is going on here.  This is when a person with BPD (pwBPD) splits someone from all good to all bad or vice versa.  Now that Biomom has re-entered the scene it is possible your Daughter in law (DIL) has "painted you black" (split you as all bad) and "painted her mother white" (split her as all good).

More on Splitting... .
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=62033.msg588248#msg588248

I have a few questions (just rolling around in the mind of the Panda  )

What do you think is her feeling/emotion behind not letting you see your granddaughter?  

Does this behavior appear more when your son is away?

I know this would be hard for you, but what do you think would happen if you stopped pursuing the visit with your granddaughter? Stopped engaging in the conflict from your end?

What do you really control here?  Who can you truly control?

Panda39

[JustGMa]

Thank you Panda89 for the links.

To answer your questions
I think she is trying to hurt me as much as possible. She knows I would crawl across the country for my granddaughter, she is the apple of my eye.  It's like my DIL wants to hurt someone as much as her mother hurt her and I am her chosen target.

She does get worse when my son is gone because she has complete control over my GD.

I actually pulled back a few weeks ago when she got mad because I posted pictures from one of my son's friends weddings on Facebook (she and I aren't FB "friends" so I don't even know why she was snooping on my page) and she decided to write a "blog" basically saying I am the MIL from hell and making up all sorts of things I supposedly said to her. I hadn't even spoken to her except to text her telling her that I was here if she needed anything (she is pregnant). The next day she came out with her blog of lies and I just had enough. Then she sent an email to me, her bio mom and adoptive mom claiming that I was taking my feelings out on my granddaughter because I hadn't RSVP'd for her birthday party (6 hours away, the end of September). I have been ill this summer and wouldn't be able to drive myself so I needed to wait to see how I felt before I said yes or no but for her, I was "ignoring" my GD and taking out my feelings about my DIL's  "blog" on her.

She thinks she can do anything to anyone but then somehow manages to make herself out to be the victim. At this point I go back and forth between wanting to write her a letter trying to work things out and wanting to just wait until my son gets home but I literally get sick thinking about not seeing my granddaughter for that long.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi again JustGMa,

I've thought about a couple of other articles that may be of help to you, especially since there seems to be so much projection going on from your DIL. Isn't it odd how the strangest things will set off a pwBPD, and then we get caught in the cross hairs. There are some valuable tips in this article about Empathetic Listening and Active Listening. I've found it to be helpful even when I'm not dealing with a BPD.

This other article about Communication Skills - Don't Be Invalidating also shares a lot of info that can aid you as you try to communicate with her. Do you think these are skills that may help you?

Wools

[Tregonsee]

Hi JustGMa.  You have my sympathy.  This all sounds so familiar.  I never understood why BPD sis would rage at me, criticize me all the time - constant henpecking.  She would manufacture reasons to be angry with me.  One time I remember it started with her criticizing me for the way that I was stirring some soup as it was heating in the pot.  Once (when we were calmly speaking after she got over one of her rages) I asked her why she had to get so angry and stay that way yelling for hours on end, and she just said she HAD to, so I took it to mean she just cannot stop or control herself.  I think the same thing is happening to you also.  But who knows?  Apparently BPDs misinterpret the world around them to the nth degree, so even though you did nothing that a sane rational person would criticize, somehow your DIL believes differently.  

I'm sorry I don't have a good solution for you.  My solution long ago was to go "no contact" and for a long while my life was so happy without her in it.  But unfortunately that did not last and I continue to be embroiled in her manipulations and drama.  

I think you may have to stop trying to get her to paint you white again, give her time to see if her rage subsides.  Otherwise you are just beating your head against a wall over and over, and it will hurt.  And be a broken record about loving your granddaughter and wanting to see her.  Don't be manipulated into defending yourself against some fake accusation over and over.  Refuse to discuss anything except loving your granddaughter and wanting to see her.  But unfortunately BPDs (or at least my sister, anyway) can be exceedingly stubborn, and will rage and resist to their last breath.  I suspect they would keep going even if it made them physically ill.  I wonder if anyone has ever researched whether there is a compulsion aspect to BPD?

[JustGMa]

Thank you so much Woolspinner200 and Tregonsee. I have tried to stay busy the last couple of weeks and not think about it so much. I look at my Granddaughter's picture and it just makes me sad. I haven't tried to contact her and sometimes I just want to text her or SOMETHING and see my granddaughter. I am going to read as much as possible because that has helped me to understand what is going on.

I spoke with her adoptive mother and told her what I suspected was wrong with her and she said she was going to read up on it. I THINK I may have FINALLY convinced her that this isn't just an attitude problem or her just being a "drama queen" but this is a SERIOUS problem that everyone has to band together and help her with. She says she will come up here and try to get the biological mother involved too when my son gets home. (DIL says she doesn't want to do ANYTHING until he is here including therapy or all of us getting together to talk things out).

I just know this can't go on and now I need to find out how you tell someone they have a serious mental illness and need to get help!

[Panda39]

I have tried to stay busy the last couple of weeks and not think about it so much. I look at my Granddaughter's picture and it just makes me sad. I haven't tried to contact her and sometimes I just want to text her or SOMETHING and see my granddaughter. I am going to read as much as possible because that has helped me to understand what is going on.

Hi JustGMa,

I'm sorry you haven't been able to spend more time with your Granddaughter, I can hear how hard that is for you.  For what it's worth for right now I think it might be the way to go.  Pushing things will just create drama and up the conflict.  Don't be surprised if you hear later what a horrible person you are for not visiting your Granddaughter.  People with BPD often jump on the Karpman Triangle in the victim position, we see it here often. The person with BPD does something that they may later regret (like when your son comes home and finds out she has withheld their daughter from you) and then to make themselves feel better/look better they will shift blame and work to make your behavior look worse then theirs.  If this happens just ignore it.  You know and we know and eventually your son will know what is really going on.

There is another tool that you can keep in mind should this scenario happen that is "Don't JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain)... .JADEing can up the conflict and lead to circular arguements that go no where.

More on JADE... .
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=139972.0

I spoke with her adoptive mother and told her what I suspected was wrong with her and she said she was going to read up on it. I THINK I may have FINALLY convinced her that this isn't just an attitude problem or her just being a "drama queen" but this is a SERIOUS problem that everyone has to band together and help her with. She says she will come up here and try to get the biological mother involved too when my son gets home. (DIL says she doesn't want to do ANYTHING until he is here including therapy or all of us getting together to talk things out).

I just know this can't go on and now I need to find out how you tell someone they have a serious mental illness and need to get help!

I'm glad her adoptive mom is open to hearing what you have to say, getting the family on the same page can be helpful, however there are some things to keep in mind... .People with BPD carry a huge amount of Shame and if everyone "gangs up" on her and I can pretty much guarantee that is how she will per sieve it if you, her adoptive mom, and bio mom all come to her and tell her she has BPD/Mental illness.  She will then dig in her heals and resist anything you all suggest.  

I would also beware of involving biomom, she may have (probably does have) problems of her own... .I mean what healthy mom abandons her daughter the way she did?  Having her involved may be counter productive.

I would beware of labeling your DIL with BPD or telling her she has mental health issues.  You are not qualified to diagnose (yes she fits the symptoms), she will feel shamed, get defensive, and deny there is anything wrong with her.  You and I would probably feel very much the same if someone told us we had a mental illness.

I would not use labels, I would approach it as a "family (or even your) communication problem" so she does not feel blamed or singled out.  I would approach it from the stand point that you want to have a better relationship with her (this makes it about you and doesn't blame her), that you'd like to try family therapy to get professional help to improve how you relate to/communicate with her.  I would also investigate Therapists in advance and try to find one with experience with BPD, otherwise the Therapist could approach your DIL in the wrong way and drive her away from Therapy.  If she feels ganged up on by you/family and the Therapist she will stop going. I know this isn't the same as getting her in to see her own therapist, but it could lead there.

Also, keep in mind your DIL may not want to participate in any of this, she may not see that there is a problem (denial or blame you), she may like things status quo (she feels like she has control).  Just a reminder here that there is only one person we truly control and that is ourselves, we can not make someone do something that they don't want to do.

That said it is certainly worth a try to seek Professional help in terms of your relationship. 

(DIL says she doesn't want to do ANYTHING until he is here including therapy or all of us getting together to talk things out)

This is both legitimate, they are a couple/family they should discuss it, but also be aware that she could be pulling him on the triangle as her rescuer.

Panda39

[JustGMa]

Thank you Panda!
I told her adoptive Mom that I wasn't going to be a part of any intervention they decided to have. I do think her bio Mom has problems because who drops their 14 year old off at the Y and abandons her? And she did admit to me that her grandfather was "diagnosed with a mental illness but never got treated". She hadn't even told her A-Mom that! It seems as if Mental illness runs in her family.
The crazy thing is that I still love her and miss her!

She has already tried to say that I was ignoring my Granddaughter. She wrote a "blog" vilifying me and put it on Facebook. I hadn't RSVP'd to my GD's birthday party (End of September) and hadn't contacted her after I read it and got way too many calls about it, and she sent me, her A-Mom and Bio Mom an email thanking them for responding (they live where the party was going to happen) and saying that I was punishing my GD by not responding because of a "little blog" I didn't like. After all of that , I found out last week through her A-Mom that the party is now cancelled and she claims she is taking my GD to Disney (She will be 8 months pregnant).

I did the her A-Mom to read up on BPD so she is better able to approach her when the time comes. And you are probably right. Her Bio Mom may take offense to the suggestion that there is a mental illness because it appears to run in her family!

[Panda39]

Thank you Panda!
I told her adoptive Mom that I wasn't going to be a part of any intervention they decided to have. I do think her bio Mom has problems because who drops their 14 year old off at the Y and abandons her? And she did admit to me that her grandfather was "diagnosed with a mental illness but never got treated". She hadn't even told her A-Mom that! It seems as if Mental illness runs in her family.

It could be mental illness and it can be learned dysfunction but either way I don't trust biomom to be helpful.

The crazy thing is that I still love her and miss her!

Of course you do, she's your son's wife and mother of your granddaughter.  Your compassion and love for her says a lot about who you are. Not to mention all the work you are doing trying to improve the relationship.  And even though your DIL may not realize it now she's very lucky to have you in her life.

She has already tried to say that I was ignoring my Granddaughter. She wrote a "blog" vilifying me and put it on Facebook. I hadn't RSVP'd to my GD's birthday party (End of September) and hadn't contacted her after I read it and got way too many calls about it, and she sent me, her A-Mom and Bio Mom an email thanking them for responding (they live where the party was going to happen) and saying that I was punishing my GD by not responding because of a "little blog" I didn't like. After all of that , I found out last week through her A-Mom that the party is now cancelled and she claims she is taking my GD to Disney (She will be 8 months pregnant).

This kind of stuff sucks, but I'd just let it go... .you know it's all exaggeration, the people that know you wouldn't believe this about you, and if anyone does really believe it are those people you need in your life anyway?

The Disney promise echos my SO's uBPDxw, I can't tell you how many promises like that she has made to her daughters and they never come to fruition. It's the best present your DIL can think of for her daughter, but it isn't really about your granddaughter, it's about her.  It's all in her mind in that moment, it makes her feel good to be "Supermom" or literally in this case "Disneyland Mom".  Don't be surprised when she fails to make the trip and changes her mind again.  Hopefully, it will be something you can attend.

This is one of those behaviors I hate, I have seen devastating effects of this with my SO's daughters it is so confusing for the kids, and they get so let down and disappointed, and sometimes there are bigger consequences to false promises.

I wanted to share information on Splitting with you, because this could also be going on in your situation.  Biomom/Adoptmom are all good right now and you are all bad.  This can move around as I believe it already has... .Biomom all bad and you/Adoptmom all good.  Splitting is tied to the the black and white thinking that comes with BPD.

Splitting... .
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=62033.0

Hang in there and keep us posted on how things are going.  

Panda39