Anxiety about the next step?

[naturalturn]

I had posted in a previous thread about how I blocked my mother on my phone after texting her a small snippet of how I feel (that I will never be enough for her) after she started to try to guilt and manipulate me. She (obviously) didn't take my message very well and I left for vacation and blocked her on my phone.

I am glad I blocked her on my phone for the vacation as I know how upsetting she can be. However, I still have had lingering anxiety the entire time. Tomorrow, I go back home, and I have so much anxiety about what I should do? I told her I most likely wouldn't have phone service on my vacation (which is mostly true) but once I'm back home, do I need to unblock her? I have anxiety about keeping her blocked and anxiety about unblocking her.

I haven't told her all of my feelings (not that she would listen or consider them anyway.) And I didn't tell her I would block her messages and calls. I just feel so conflicted and confused. I took a big step telling her a portion of how I feel and blocking her, but what's the best next step for when I'm back home? Do I reach out to her? Do I unblock and wait for her to reach out to me? Do I tell her how I feel then block her again?

Every option I think of sounds like bad one way or another. I feel so troubled

[Harri]

Hi.  How has your trip been (other than the anxiety)?

Feeling anxious is normal.  Feeling anxious no matter what you do is normal and to be expected.  Unfortunately there really is no option that is anxiety free.  Even if you go back to the way things were, the anxiety will still be there so why not make a change for the better?

There are a couple of things going on here.  One, you are trying to change a pattern of behavior that is almost reflexive and at one time served the purpose of helping you survive.  You, like most of us here, learned to act in ways that pleased your care giver (your mom) and take care of her needs.  It was instinctive when you were a baby and a kid.  Now, that method of interacting is no longer an advantage but the instinct and the learned behaviors are still there.  Any change is going to cause anxiety.  You are concerned about her reaction.  Of course you are.

Second, you have learned all these years how to function and Be while taking care of your mothers needs.  when you take her out of the picture, even if it is not completely out, you have to learn how to function without her being such a huge presence in your life.  You will feel anxious, weird, wrong, sad, etc.  That is normal and to be expected.

Normal and to be expected.  (I repeated that on purpose)

Your choice then becomes what is best for you?  How can you respond in a way that honors your personal values and helps you work towards better boundaries and differentiation from your mother (think of de-enmeshment - except I don't think that is a word!). 

You can turn your phone back on and just be resolved that your mom will be upset and when she calls you say I am sorry you were hurt, that was not my intention but I was on vacation and did not have service.  Will it end there?  Maybe not.  Repeat and then say I have to go and hang up. 

If you want things to change you are going to have to establish boundaries and it will be hard.  You can avoid by not ever turning your phone on but in my experience, that only ever made things worse plus I felt worse about myself because I was not acting in line with my personal values around how to treat others and myself.  Avoidance changes nothing in my experience.  Others may feel differently and I hope they weigh in with what works for them.

Regardless, you will feel anxiety so why not make a choice about what is right for you?  The anxiety will go away in time.  Really, it does get better.  And you do not need to make the decision tonight or even tomorrow.

[Kwamina]

Hi naturalturn

Considering how your mother has treated you all these years, I think it's only normal that you would feel anxiety now. Also considering that this is the first time you've set and enforced a boundary with your mother like this, I would say it's even more normal that you would feel the way you do.

You are attempting to transition into a new way of living and interacting with your mother and getting used to that will also take time for you.

Perhaps the question is not what you need to or what is best to do... .perhaps you should ask yourself what do you want to do? How do you want to move forward with the relationship with your mother, regardless of how your mother or anyone else feels about it?

Naturalturn, after enduring your mother's problematic and in many ways quite disturbing behavior for so many years, I think it's only natural that it's your turn now to live your life the way you want to live it

The Board Parrot

[naturalturn]

Thank you Harri and Parrot for responding and helping me understand that everything I’m feeling is to be expected.

I really don’t know what to do. I either want a normal, respectful relationship with my mother where there are healthy boundaries and she is happy with me or I want to never speak or see her again. The first seems impossible. The second would involve me just to leave her blocked and avoid her at all costs which doesn’t seem like a healthy idea... .or is it? I know I would feel extreme guilt.

I guess I feel like I have to reach out to her but I’m terrified. I’m not sure what I would say either.

Maybe what I’m asking is what would you all do or what have you done in the past that worked well?

My anxiety and depression just seems to get worse... .I don’t want to do something to make things worse for me... .

[Kwamina]

You're welcome

I either want a normal, respectful relationship with my mother where there are healthy boundaries and she is happy with me... .….

When I look at what you say here, I think it's important to consider the things you can control and the things you cannot. You cannot control whether she is happy with you or not, but you can control whether you set boundaries with her or not and whether you defend/boundaries with her or not. Regardless of whether she respects your boundaries (not something you can control), what you can control is whether you set and enforce/defend boundaries with her. You cannot control how the relationship will be, but by changing your half of the equation, you will definitely change the dynamics of the entire relationship. How do you feel about this? Can you see the elements you can control and are you ok with letting go of the elements you cannot control?

I know I would feel extreme guilt.

What is it you would feel most guilty about? Do you perhaps think that fear might be underlying your guilt? Pete Walker who has written extensively about cPTSD and children who suffered from childhood abuse, says the following about guilt: "Feeling guilty does not mean I am guilty. I refuse to make my decisions and choices from guilt; sometimes I need to feel the guilt and do it anyway. In the inevitable instance when I inadvertently hurt someone, I will apologize, make amends, and let go of my guilt. I will not apologize over and over. I am no longer a victim. I will not accept unfair blame. Guilt is sometimes camouflaged fear. – 'I am afraid, but I am not guilty or in danger'."

[naturalturn]

How do you feel about this? Can you see the elements you can control and are you ok with letting go of the elements you cannot control?

That's a good point. After reading this, I can identify the elements I can control and the elements that I can't... .I guess the problem is trying to let go of the elements I can't control. I think that's where a good bit of my anxiety stems from... .Thank you for highlighting this though. I will try to be more intentional in recognizing what I can and cannot control in hopes that this may alleviate some anxiety and give me some clarity.

What is it you would feel most guilty about? Do you perhaps think that fear might be underlying your guilt?

I would feel guilty that as a daughter I ignored my mother and I finally became what she has been accusing me of. She has accused me of ignoring her for a long time now even though I wasn't ignoring her at all. Now, if I do, that makes her right.

I would feel guilty that I made her upset and that I caused pain to her by ignoring her. I may feel guilty that I didn't explain to her my feelings... .but logically I know she wouldn't care or listen.

Some of the guilt, like you mentioned, would actually be fear. I would fear she would confront me physically or that she would be mean or aggressive. That she would scream at me or say really nasty things to me.

[naturalturn]

Guilt is starting to creep back... .

My mother asked my father if I had contacted him (since I have blocked all of her messages and calls.)

I'm starting to have feelings of guilt that maybe she's worried about me and my safety? Maybe she wants to know that I'm alive? I have been ignoring all of her messages though... .

If she confronts me, I don't know what to say. I can already hear her "Why didn't you text or call me? How dare you! How could you treat me this way? I was worried about you! What have I done to deserve this?"

I feel speechless when I'm around her. I have fear of her confrontation and guilt that maybe she's right.

[Harri]

I am going to parrot Kwamina here and repeat his quote from Pete Walker:  Pete Walker:  "Feeling guilty does not mean I am guilty. I refuse to make my decisions and choices from guilt; sometimes I need to feel the guilt and do it anyway. In the inevitable instance when I inadvertently hurt someone, I will apologize, make amends, and let go of my guilt. I will not apologize over and over. I am no longer a victim. I will not accept unfair blame. Guilt is sometimes camouflaged fear. – 'I am afraid, but I am not guilty or in danger'."

Keep reading that over and over along with your response just above your last one. 

Guilt/fear is going to sneak up on you time and again.  It is not a one and done battle we face here. 

I'm starting to have feelings of guilt that maybe she's worried about me and my safety? Maybe she wants to know that I'm alive? I have been ignoring all of her messages though... .

Does this mean you never responded after you got back from your trip?

If she confronts me, I don't know what to say. I can already hear her "Why didn't you text or call me? How dare you! How could you treat me this way? I was worried about you! What have I done to deserve this?"

I feel speechless when I'm around her. I have fear of her confrontation and guilt that maybe she's right.

I think you can plan on having this sort of conversation with her or she may shut down with you entirely. 

Can you plan here how you will answer her? 

What is your fear about if she says these things to you?  Or if she believes they are true? 

[naturalturn]

I haven't responded since I got back from my trip yesterday. I didn't know what to say and I feel like once I unblock her on my phone, it will be hard to block her again.

I guess my fear is that she is right that I should have texted her, she is right to be concerned about my safety, and she is justified in what she is saying, which makes me the bad guy and leads me to question if maybe I have been the bad guy all along.

[Harri]

possibility:
Hi Mom.  I got back yesterday and my trip was great.

Why didn't you call naturalturn?
~ I am talking with you now.

Don't you realize I was worried about you?
~ I am fine mom.

How dare you do this to me?
~ I understand you are upset and were worried and that must be stressful.

Don't you care about me?
~ Of course I care mom. 

Why don't you talk to me anymore?
~ I do talk with you.  My life looks different now and I am unable to call you several times a day every day any more. 

You don't love me!
~ It must hurt you terrible to feel that way.  I know I would be hurt if I thought that. 

She begins to repeat the above cycle or escalate:
~mom we already discussed this and I am not going to repeat myself any more.
~ mom I am going to hang up now.  We can have this conversation when you are feeling better.  (Hang up the phone)

She calls back:
~don't pick up (put phone on silent)
~pick up and repeat only once: I am not having this conversation right now. (hang up)

I guess my fear is that she is right that I should have texted her, she is right to be concerned about my safety, and she is justified in what she is saying, which makes me the bad guy and leads me to question if maybe I have been the bad guy all along.

She is not right that you should have texted her.  You did not want to text her and you didn't.  that is not wrong.
She probably is concerned about your safety.  Thank her.  Accept that she is a worrier and leave her to it.  Her worry is for her to manage.  Say "I appreciate your concern.  i was/am fine"
You have not been the bad guy all along.  Even if she says you are, it is not true.  Do not let her opinions and distorted thoughts define you.

If she says these things to you what is the worst that can happen?  The anxiety you feel now, will it get worse or stay the same if she says these things?  Do you feel the need to regulate her emotions?

[naturalturn]

Hey Harri,

Thank you for the conversation breakdown. That helps me understand what my tone should be when/if I speak to her.
My father and my cousin have warned against me unblocking her on my phone and reaching out. They both think I would only hurt myself and that for the first time, she needs to come to me instead of me reaching out to her.
My father told her that he contacted me and that I am back home from vacation so she knows now.

I guess the worst that would happen if she said these things is my anxiety would skyrocket. My father suggested I get on medication for anxiety, but I’m unsure... .

[Harri]

My father and my cousin have warned against me unblocking her on my phone and reaching out. They both think I would only hurt myself and that for the first time, she needs to come to me instead of me reaching out to her.

If she calls you that is her reaching out to you first.  Are you thinking this should be face to face?  What would that look like for you?

Anti-anxiety meds can be very helpful.  I am on one but the long acting kind that you take once a day every day, not the short acting that make you sleepy.  Why are you hesitant about taking a medication?  I'm not pressuring you, I am simply curious about your thoughts on them.

[Learning2Thrive]

  naturalturn,

I remember feeling similarly when I was younger and just starting to set boundaries with my mother. Blocking and avoidance was necessary for a time—for ME—in order to create some emotional distance from her dysfunction. I needed time in that space without her poking me so I could build my own strength and break the enmeshment.

Perhaps you could formulate a text message that states your needs — a boundary for your wellbeing, unblock her just long enough to send it then block her again.

So an example for me (if I we're in a similar situation) might be something like this—whatever you choose to say needs to be authentic and true to your values:

Hi Mom. I want you to know I am back from my trip and I am fine. I love you very much, Mom. I realize you love me and care about me, but I need some time for myself. I am an adult. I have my own life and I need some time and space. I know you may not understand it, but I need you to respect this if we are ever to have hope of an ongoing adult relationship. If you can give me this, I will be in contact with you when I am ready.


Then replace the the block and really do the work to figure out boundaries and building your self esteem so when you decide you are ready, you will have a plan to keep yourself safe and healthy and differentiated from her.

REMEMBER: Having boundaries does not mean you are punishing her. Having boundaries means you are keeping safe. You are not her property no matter what she says. You are not an extension of her. You are not responsible for her emotions no matter what she says. She is an adult. She is responsible for herself.

Sending you lots of love and positive energy.  
  L2T

[naturalturn]

If she calls you that is her reaching out to you first.  Are you thinking this should be face to face?  What would that look like for you?

Anti-anxiety meds can be very helpful.  I am on one but the long acting kind that you take once a day every day, not the short acting that make you sleepy.  Why are you hesitant about taking a medication?  I'm not pressuring you, I am simply curious about your thoughts on them.

She can still contact me through email, through Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat, face-to-face, or through my fiance. She hasn't done any of these yet. Both my dad and cousin said if I unblock her, she's just going to be mean to me... .which I know she will.
Since I was a kid, when she would get upset with me, she would give me the silent treatment and I would have to beg for her to talk to me. I have always had to be the one to reach out and offer to fix things. She will never apologize, and she will never think she has done something wrong even if I told her.

I am on a birth control medication right now that my mother forced me to be on and I have had a terrible experience with it. I tried 4 other pills before this one and they all had extremely negative side effects. The one I am on now, I suspect, is making it more difficult for me to overcome my depression and anxiety. However, she has threatened me that I cannot get off it and will periodically ask me if I am still on it and freak out at the thought that I may not be on it anymore.

After having such terrible side effects, I am hesitant to try other medications. My father was addicted to the anti-anxiety medication he was on, so that worries me too.

[naturalturn]

naturalturn,

I remember feeling similarly when I was younger and just starting to set boundaries with my mother. Blocking and avoidance was necessary for a time—for ME—in order to create some emotional distance from her dysfunction. I needed time in that space without her poking me so I could build my own strength and break the enmeshment.

Perhaps you could formulate a text message that states your needs — a boundary for your wellbeing, unblock her just long enough to send it then block her again.

So an example for me (if I we're in a similar situation) might be something like this—whatever you choose to say needs to be authentic and true to your values:

Hi Mom. I want you to know I am back from my trip and I am fine. I love you very much, Mom. I realize you love me and care about me, but I need some time for myself. I am an adult. I have my own life and I need some time and space. I know you may not understand it, but I need you to respect this if we are ever to have hope of an ongoing adult relationship. If you can give me this, I will be in contact with you when I am ready.


Then replace the the block and really do the work to figure out boundaries and building your self esteem so when you decide you are ready, you will have a plan to keep yourself safe and healthy and differentiated from her.

REMEMBER: Having boundaries does not mean you are punishing her. Having boundaries means you are keeping safe. You are not her property no matter what she says. You are not an extension of her. You are not responsible for her emotions no matter what she says. She is an adult. She is responsible for herself.

Sending you lots of love and positive energy.  
  L2T

Thank you for your response L2T. I appreciate your advice. The message you formulated sounded reasonable and something I could manage.

I guess the thing is, I don't feel like she loves me. I am assuming she is worried about my wellbeing, but she may very well not be. Everybody around me keeps telling me that I need to accept she doesn't truly care about me and that the mother I thought I had who loved me and cared about me, is gone forever and never coming back. I guess everywhere I look, it seems like an issue or consequence will arise from every option moving forward that's why I'm so desperate to ask what others think. I do think I need some time away from her because I think I need time to try to build up some confidence and help myself feel better which is impossible with her in my life.

On here, it seems like I should reach out to her and text her. Off the internet, people in my life think I shouldn't speak to her at all. I guess I need to decide for myself which of these options I should do.

[Harri]

Hi naturalturn.   

On here, it seems like I should reach out to her and text her. Off the internet, people in my life think I shouldn't speak to her at all. I guess I need to decide for myself which of these options I should do.

I am not advising you to text her though I can see where it would seem that way.  That choice is yours alone.  I don't think going silent on her is a good option for you or anyone.  Telling her no, you need space is fine.  Avoidance, IMO is not as it only increases the anxiety and from what you have written, it does not fit with your own personal values.  Telling her you need space and then taking that space is not the same as avoidance or going silent.  It is a healthy option that honors you and your values and is loving and kind regardless of how you mother may receive the words.

[Learning2Thrive]

Thank you for your response L2T. I appreciate your advice. The message you formulated sounded reasonable and something I could manage.

If you get any ideas or help from it, whether you actually text her or not, then I am glad I offered the example.

I guess the thing is, I don't feel like she loves me. I am assuming she is worried about my wellbeing, but she may very well not be. Everybody around me keeps telling me that I need to accept she doesn't truly care about me and that the mother I thought I had who loved me and cared about me, is gone forever and never coming back.

This was very difficult for me to accept as well. It’s definitely a grieving process. I am just now beginning to enter an acceptance phase that my mother was simply incapable of loving and caring the way children need to be loved and cared for, due to her mental illness. This is not an excuse for her abusive actions and destructive choices, but it helps me to accept and acknowledge that it was not my fault. I still have days of sadness and anger, but they are diminishing and becoming more manageable.

I guess everywhere I look, it seems like an issue or consequence will arise from every option moving forward that's why I'm so desperate to ask what others think. I do think I need some time away from her because I think I need time to try to build up some confidence and help myself feel better which is impossible with her in my life.

Yes, for every decision we make, there are consequences—both good and bad. The thing about being an adult is that we get to choose.

On here, it seems like I should reach out to her and text her. Off the internet, people in my life think I shouldn't speak to her at all. I guess I need to decide for myself which of these options I should do.

Yes, it absolutely must be YOUR decision. There is rarely ever a one size fits all right answer. Know that you are worthy of choosing what is right for you; and at any point you can make whatever adjustments you need.

You are stronger than you realize, naturalturn.  
  L2T

[Learning2Thrive]

Telling her you need space and then taking that space is not the same as avoidance or going silent.  It is a healthy option that honors you and your values and is loving and kind regardless of how you mother may receive the words.

I realize it my be hard to see this when you are so full of anxiety. But this is actually taking your adult power away from her control. I understand it’s terrifying to find our voice and take that step of speaking our truth and stating our needs for fear we will receive the wrath as we did when we were kids.

The truth is she probably won’t like it. And she may show wrath or rage. But you no longer have to listen to it. She can’t force you to do anything anymore. You get to choose.

 

  L2T

[naturalturn]

Hi naturalturn.   
 I am not advising you to text her though I can see where it would seem that way.  That choice is yours alone.  I don't think going silent on her is a good option for you or anyone.  Telling her no, you need space is fine.  Avoidance, IMO is not as it only increases the anxiety and from what you have written, it does not fit with your own personal values.  Telling her you need space and then taking that space is not the same as avoidance or going silent.  It is a healthy option that honors you and your values and is loving and kind regardless of how you mother may receive the words.

Thank you Harri, I see your point and it makes sense. After reading this post, I can see how sending her a message may actually help my own anxiety. Thank you again 

[naturalturn]

I realize it my be hard to see this when you are so full of anxiety. But this is actually taking your adult power away from her control. I understand it’s terrifying to find our voice and take that step of speaking our truth and stating our needs for fear we will receive the wrath as we did when we were kids.

The truth is she probably won’t like it. And she may show wrath or rage. But you no longer have to listen to it. She can’t force you to do anything anymore. You get to choose.

 

  L2T

Thank you L2T, you and Harri are right... .Sending a message to her would be taking my power away from her control. I see that now. It is so terrifying finding my voice I'm sure you understand.

I will probably send her a message then block her again, so that I tell her I need space and then take that space without having to see her angry text messages and voicemails.

Thank you both 

[Learning2Thrive]

Thank you L2T, you and Harri are right... .Sending a message to her would be taking my power away from her control. I see that now. It is so terrifying finding my voice I'm sure you understand.
... .

Yes, I absolutely do understand. Take the time you need. We are here for you to listen and support you. This family is all about learning how to be healthy and helping each other.    Healing takes time and lots of love. We’ve got your back.  

  L2T