I feel like I just got hit by a truck

[Help_WifeIsCrazy]

Just realized by reading online that my wife of 20 years is Major BPD.
Every single thing that both of us have read over the past two days, regarding BPD, applies to our situation
and has scared the crap out of both of us.
My response : "I guess I should just leave."
Her response: "We are SO screwed!"

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Woodchuck]

Just realized by reading online that my wife of 20 years is Major BPD.
Every single thing that both of us have read over the past two days, regarding BPD, applies to our situation
and has scared the crap out of both of us.
My response : "I guess I should just leave."
Her response: "We are SO screwed!"

Welcome to the boards!  It is quite a feeling when you first realize that your SO may be suffering from a PD.  I remember how elated I felt when I first came across NPD/BPD.  When I shared my discovery with my W, she was not receptive at all, as most pwPD would not be.  Everything made so much more sense when I discovered the possibility that she might be suffering from a PD.   You have what appears to be a huge advantage in that it sounds like she is receptive.  If that is the case, both of you could learn a lot from the tools on this site.  It would also be a good idea to look into finding a counselor that has experience with helping pwPD's.  This may not apply as much in your situation, however, for me what has been key is to focus on working on me and not only working on me but working on me FOR me.  Not working on me to change her.  Even when you think you might be working on you for you, there could be a subconscious expectation that she will change if you change.  You have to look at everything very carefully as you move for.  Keep posting more here as there is a great amount of support as you move forward in your relationship.  By all means, don't feel like you need to just leave her because of the possibility that she may have a PD.  Having a PD is not a death sentence for a relationship and if both partners are willing to work together, you can have a great relationship so hang in there and continue to learn as much as you can.

WC

[Skip]

I was stunned when I realized my partner has a chronic illness. It's a hard reality.

She is not crazy. She has emotional challenges and couples can learn to work with them.

Tell us a bit about you and your relationship... .how long have you been together, what problems are you struggling with, do you have children... .

  welcome to the family. We are all here working together.

[pearlsw]

Welcome to the boards! 

This may not apply as much in your situation, however, for me what has been key is to focus on working on me and not only working on me but working on me FOR me.  Not working on me to change her.  Even when you think you might be working on you for you, there could be a subconscious expectation that she will change if you change.  You have to look at everything very carefully as you move for.  Keep posting more here as there is a great amount of support as you move forward in your relationship.  By all means, don't feel like you need to just leave her because of the possibility that she may have a PD.  Having a PD is not a death sentence for a relationship and if both partners are willing to work together, you can have a great relationship so hang in there and continue to learn as much as you can.

WC

Hi Help_WiC,

Thanks Woodchuck for sharing these very helpful comments! Yes, Help, you are lucky to have a partner who is self-aware and interested in reading up on this. I can imagine it is quite a shock for her... .for some extra background on how this topic typically goes see here:

Telling Someone You Think They Have BPD

How To Get a Loved One Into Therapy

There is a lot to learn, but do not give up hope. Working on communication can make a difference. I taught my SO some validation skills and it made a big difference for both of us, me getting to hear him respond to my feelings, and him having the words ready when he really couldn't think of them on his own. He was really grateful for this help, and it cut down on a lot of hurt feelings.

wishing you peace, pearl.