Trying my best

[Cheeksie]

  Am trying to figure things out. As you know being in a relationship with someone can be confusing at times and then you add in some type of disorder. I feel as if I was blind to it or maybe I was so caught up in the whirlwind I overlooked the signs.

So here I am... .asking for help, going to therapy, buying endless books on kindle app, searching for support groups, reaching out to anyone who has any bit of advice on bettering this situation. There are days that I feel are great and then something triggers and I feel as if I have lost him. He is constantly breaking up with me and then turning around and pretending as if he never did.

Confused is an understatement. I have explained to him that we should seek therapy. Correction I stated that we needed it. Was that wrong of me? He refuses to cut off contact with a female that I have expressed many times is interfering. He says nothing is going on but my gut states otherwise. After I expressed my disdain of their relationship and how we could learn better communication... .he came to one session. He still speaks to her and texts her. Even though in therapy I stated that if the relationship continues I will have to leave. He says he enjoys speaking to her. My boundaries are crossed constantly. Everyone says to leave but none of them understand.

Is there anyway to encourage him to continue our family therapy? Is there a way to have him understand how his actions are effecting my trust for him? Or do I need to follow through with consequences of his continued boundary breaking. Am trying to make this a healthier relationship... .is that possible? I know he has trust, abandonment,
Abuse, and honesty issues. I feel that he thinks I am cheating on him... .no matter what I do and yet he has been very sneaky.

For now I continue therapy but she tells me this relationship is one sided, toxic and there is nothing I can do... .is that true?

*we do live together and he is pretty much all I have as in "family"

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[BeagleGirl]

Cheeksie,
 
I'm glad you are reaching out.  I am the type who deals with confusion by trying to gain understanding (books, therapy, etc) but I'm realizing that sometimes I just need a hug and someone to tell me that I may not understand what's happening but that doesn't mean I won't survive it.

"Is there anyway to encourage him to continue our family therapy? Is there a way to have him understand how his actions are effecting my trust for him? Or do I need to follow through with consequences of his continued boundary breaking. Am trying to make this a healthier relationship... .is that possible?"

I think that you are hitting on one of the key lessons to living with BPD (it doesn't hurt in other relationships either).  We can't change how people treat us, but we can change how we are treated.  That's a confusing BeagleGirl way of saying that boundaries are there to keep us safe from the actions of others.  Hopefully they influence the actions others take towards us, but that will depend on the willingness and capability of the other person to change. 

I do believe that you can make a healthier relationship.  This site has lots of tools for doing so and lots of stories from people who have utilized them to great effect.  It takes time and commitment, and often the results fall short of our hopes and expectations, but it can be done. 

On the flip side, sometimes our pwBPD is unwilling to honor boundaries that we have set with a consequence of ending the relationship.  It's very important to put a lot of consideration into those types of boundaries because boundaries don't do much good if you are not willing to enforce them. 

One lesson it took me a while to learn - the most effective boundaries state what YOU will do if the boundary is crossed.  I liked to give boundaries in terms of "you won't x" because I wanted dBPDxh to change.  Those didn't work very well, because when he did x my option was to "punish" him for crossing the boundary or let it slide in the interest of maintaining the relationship.  I've seen a lot more impact from "if you do x, I will do y".  Then the result of crossing that boundary feels more like a consequence than a punishment. 

So it sounds like he is not willing to honor your boundary on interaction with the woman you are concerned about.  Are you willing to honor it by leaving?  Is there a consequence shy of that that you think may be effective in guarding your heart and inviting him to change?

BeagleGirl

[isilme]

What you are describing, even if it's not what most people call an affair, is Emotional Cheating.  My H has been very bad about this in the past, and 10 years back I finally had to make it clear I am not comfortable with it, it's disrespectful to me, and I was willing to go be alone rather than live as a back up GF, there for when his new text-GFs saw through his BPD, or met me in person and saw he was not being honest about me, and they cooled things off themselves.  It was not easy, but since we were not married at the time, not as messy for me to start making plans should I get to a point where I felt I needed to leave.  I never announced I was planning to leave.  I simply started looking for an apartment, started to buy myself my own car, and let him know I was either his GF, or not, and that I was not happy feeling like I was plan B.  This was a rough period of months of fights, depression, and I was in a very bad place. 

I can't say what exactly happened, but he seemed to make some sort of change.  He stopped contact with the other women, the last one who was auditioning to replace me.  It took a while, but it stopped, and I admit I stalked cell phone records to verify it, until I was able to trust it. 

Seeking therapy is fine, but often does not help BPD, especially not in the beginning.  BPD is about shame and blame avoidance, and an inability to process it in a healthy way when it can't be avoided.

So, therapy requires someone to be honest with others and themselves.  This is very hard if you have BPD, and so T can be a minefield.

If it helps YOU, by all means go.  But don't stress too much if he does or does not.  Instead see how you can set a boundary, not an ultimatum, but a boundary, around the contact with the other woman that can work for you. 

Can others suggest ways she can do this?