Thinking of Myself As a Single Dad Helps

[Turkish]

She went off on me for the first time in years yesterday due to me not playing some game about her subsidized housing:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=328350.0

I was in line today at 530AM to get the kids into an after school program.  It's first come first served, not needs based and it's free.  The kids got in.  I checked the list posted at the school in the afternoon.

They didn't take applications until 10AM. It took me almost an hour to fill out 4 forms for reach of our two kids.  Unlike last year, my ex didn't even show up to bring me coffee, which I asked her to in order to show support.  Maybe she was still mad at me.  I saved her thousands of dollars in childcare expenses for this coming school year.  The program has them from after school until 6PM, a boon for working parents.  

I should make her get in line next year,  but I don't think I could count on her (she needs to sleep to reset her brain),  much like I couldn't count on her the last months when she lived with us... .nor doing the footwork and paperwork when the kids were in TK and then in the public school for kindergarten.  

I here the echo of my therapist's voice,  "I sense that a lot of your anger stems from expecting her to be who she is not."

Yet she enjoyed last week with the kids on vacation in So-Cal, with me giving her $200 to watch the kids on her time.  Speaking of time, time to firm up my own boundaries.  I'm tired of letting myself getting taken advantage.

[once removed]

you are a single dad. youre also a coparent.

the way i see it, all these things went toward the kids. saving thousands of dollars in childcare expenses (and making sure they have childcare) benefits her sure, and it benefits you, and most of all, the kids. i dont know about the 200 dollars. was that to help her out?

do you feel this is unappreciated?

[GaGrl]

I'm also confused about the $200. Does she give you money when you take the kids on vacation because "you are watching them on her time"? That sounds like faulty logic. Vacation trumps the regular schedule.

[Turkish]

She took 5 days off more than me.  She was also out of PTO and took some days unpaid.  I have plenty of PTO but I also need to meet monthly numbers at work.  She's out of PTO due to excessive vacations.  A year ago.  The fall.  Last week. Many thousands of dollars.  And she's going out of the country by herself this winter.  That's a lot of vacationing for someone in subsidized housing.  I also took off more time when D had the flu.  Yes the money was to help her out.  No.  She doesn't give me money.  I discussed this with her.  Next year we're splitting the time.  No money from me. 

I don't need an attaboy, but i feel unappreciated given what I dowhen I'm berated and I'm sick of hearing about how she's giving something up even though the college fund thing was her idea when we wrote the stipulation (she giving up $200/ month in support so it goes into their 529 plans, which she is taking to mean that she's funding their college not me).

I've let myself get into the same dynamic I was in the r/s. Doing more than I should be doing.  

[Harri]

So where do you want to start with your boundary setting?

 

[wendydarling]

Hey Turk

I'm also a single parent. I see a lot of you in me, my early days. 

I stepped out of the dance.

I know you get this, more than... .

WDx

[Turkish]

So where do you want to start with your boundary setting?

 

Less joint time together.  Instead of signing the kids up for summer camp and paying for it (camp is cheap and saves is thousands in childcare),  I'm going to do one next year.  She can do the other. 

Had lunch today.  Her excuse for not even bringing me coffee in line was her sister and something about her dad having eye surgery. She was in time to martial arts though.  She offered next year that we could all be in line and make it a camp out.  I said it would be nice.  A few parents brought their kids. One mom near me brought her baby in a stroller before 5AM. I should have told her that she owes me $25 for VBS as well.  Bank of Turkish!

The kids also indicated that she took her husband with them on vacation.  That's her life,  of course, but I can't help but wonder how the kids view marriage since he's been in the picture for over half of their little lives but only lived with them for 2.5 years and with conflict. 

She still hasn't involved him in the kids' school activities since D8, going into 3rd grade, graduated kindergarten.  I think it would be healthier if he were,  but I'm not young to manage their lives.  Part of it might be she not wanting to alter her appearance to the school staff also. 

I hope that they don't screw up their housing subsidy again by moving him in. 

[Turkish]

Hey Turk

I'm also a single parent. I see a lot of you in me, my early days. 

I stepped out of the dance.

I know you get this, more than... .

WDx

So I take it that there's hope for me? 

[worriedStepmom]

I've been divorced for 7 years and I still struggle sometimes with expecting more from my nonBPDex than I know he will give.

It annoys the crap out of me that I am the one who takes the kids to all of their doctor's appointments, that I am the one who organizes child care, that I'm the one who does all of the school activities, basically that I'm the one who PARENTS... .and I can't get him to even pick up the phone to call HIS insurance company to ask whether we've used all of the orthodontia allowance for our oldest. 

I notice this feeling about once a year, usually when I'm really busy with kid-related stuff.  I take those feelings as a reminder to go back to following the decree more strictly.  This year, I'm not being accommodating about which night of the week he gets the kids.  I don't organize child care for him during his time.  I don't organize any kid activities at all to occur during his time, because I can't guarantee he'll bring them.  Etc.

One of my friends pointed out today that most of the school thinks that my husband is the kids' dad, because he is very involved. My xH occasionally attends the kids' sports or school activities.  His wife almost never comes with him.  My SD11's mom has not come to a soccer game once in 4 years.  The kids shrug and say that's just how their other parents are... .but if my H or I were to miss an activity, there would be buckets of tears. 

Kids know who is reliable, and your kids can see that you are the parent who is parenting.  When it gets tough to shoulder the entire burden, just remind yourself of that a few dozen times.