Dating while detaching. I don't know what the hell I'm doing.

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

YAY FRIDAY!  

Your writing is always delightful, BasementDweller and now I'm getting so much vicarious joy hearing about your exploits. Definitely want to know more--and yes, recipes would be appreciated. 

Cat

[Cat Familiar]

YAY FRIDAY!  

Your writing is always delightful, BasementDweller and now I'm getting so much vicarious joy hearing about your exploits. Definitely want to know more--and yes, recipes would be appreciated. 

Cat

[BasementDweller]

Haha! Thank you, Cat. I think that writing and using weird humor are two of my more effective coping mechanisms. I don't always feel like writing - sometimes when I'm down I feel like self-isolating and not communicating at all. Other times, it's like a huge relief valve. I can usually find some twisted humor in just about anything, though.

Earlier today, before writing that post about the breakaway jumpsuit, I was in a painfully dull staff meeting at work, where everyone just sat bickering and talking in circles, having the same cyclic arguments we've been having all year with no results. (I don't participate. I just sit quietly and "absorb".)

I kept myself amused by imagining the jumpsuit scenario in vivid detail in my head, which resulted in having to bite down hard on the inside of my cheek to keep from laughing hysterically out loud. I think if anyone could see inside my head, they'd roll me out of here strapped to a hand cart, clad in a straight-jacket and Hannibal Lecter mask.

A forum filled with people who have survived BPD relationships maybe means a LOT of folks who are no strangers to "twisted minds and bizarre coping mechanisms". That probably suggests I can unleash my "creativity" here and some someone will get it. (Or at least tolerate it.)

[pearlsw]

Oh, crap, haha! And if I don't kiss, then there will be nothing TO tell... .and everyone will still be disappointed. I wonder if this poor chap's ears are ringing right now.

Hopefully everyone will be satisfied with a recipe report. Even if my personal life isn't always steamy and delicious, my cooking typically is. 

No, we won't be disappointed! We'll just be making MORE popcorn for next time! It's bound to happen sooner or later! hahahhahaha.

It's hard to know if it is too soon, or not... .I have no steadfast rules with this... .each situation is different.

The description of the breakaway outfit was hilarious! This is great - humor! That is one of the best coping tools there is! Laughing, playing, dreaming!

If I was a betting gal I'd bet this just gets to a bit of smooching, heavy petting type stuff, but don't think that I'm thinking about it over here! hahahahahhaa! Don't worry about any of us! hee hee!

Also, thanks to whoever was saying all that sex positive stuff upstream here! I tell ya, after getting chastised like a bruja (witch) for years about my sexuality it's nice to hear some feminist freedom on this thread! Oh, it was Ms. Lady Itone!  But lots of echoes of it here.

Friendly reminder: live in the moment, enjoy the curry, have your fun! You so deserve it! 

with affection, pearl.

p.s. those texts are total gems! he's SO glad he met you! hilarious! ;)

[BasementDweller]

If I was a betting gal I'd bet this just gets to a bit of smooching, heavy petting type stuff, but don't think that I'm thinking about it over here! hahahahahhaa! Don't worry about any of us! hee hee!

Hmmmm. I bet my uterus just imploded. You just reminded me of something. The one single most mind-boggling intimate connection that I ever had was with an extremely introverted, cerebral I.T. systems specialist guy who had also worked for many years as a physics professor. He didn't say much to most people, and was known by all to be "quirky" and "a tightly closed book". Extremely mild mannered, always with his face buried in a book, seemingly impervious to the world around him. Not exactly a bastion of swaggering sexual confidence. When "it" finally happened, well... .this isn't an adult forum, but let's just say... .my eyes rolled so far back in my head that I saw God back there and I'm an atheist. There was a beast inside that quiet man, and still to this day, I can't have a conversation with him without remembering his "special skills" and feeling weak in the knees. We dated for a long time, and I deeply regret the loss of him. (Another long story for another thread... .) Still one of my very favorite people ever. For a number of reasons.

This "Just the Specs, Madame" guy triggers the exact same part of my brain that he did. That radar. For the quiet, cerebral type that becomes a smoldering powder keg when the jumpsuit breaks.   Did you ever see The Hobbit movie called "The Desolation of Smaug"? Remember when the dragon woke up?

Yeah. Like that.

I can smell a dragon from a mile away now. 

Also, thanks to whoever was saying all that sex positive stuff upstream here! I tell ya, after getting chastised like a bruja (witch) for years about my sexuality it's nice to hear some feminist freedom on this thread! Oh, it was Ms. Lady Itone!  But lots of echoes of it here.

Lady Itone for president! 

p.s. those texts are total gems! he's SO glad he met you! hilarious! ;)

Despite his extremely serious nature, he occasionally sends me Homer Simpson clips for no good reason. Solid guy, I tell ya. 

[Lady Itone]

You just reminded me of something. The one single most mind-boggling intimate connection that I ever had was with an extremely introverted, cerebral I.T. systems specialist guy who had also worked for many years as a physics professor. He didn't say much to most people, and was known by all to be "quirky" and "a tightly closed book". Extremely mild mannered, always with his face buried in a book, seemingly impervious to the world around him. Not exactly a bastion of swaggering sexual confidence. When "it" finally happened, well... .this isn't an adult forum, but let's just say... .my eyes rolled so far back in my head that I saw God back there and I'm an atheist. There was a beast inside that quiet man, and still to this day, I can't have a conversation with him without remembering his "special skills" and feeling weak in the knees.
This "Just the Specs, Madame" guy triggers the exact same part of my brain that he did. That radar. For the quiet, cerebral type that becomes a smoldering powder keg when the jumpsuit breaks.   Did you ever see The Hobbit movie called "The Desolation of Smaug"? Remember when the dragon woke up?

Yeah. Like that.

Oh my god that was amazing I read it 4 times. HELL YES! This is what love is supposed to feel like, not pain and strife, right?

Lady Itone for president!

With my scandalous past? No way! 

Love you guys, this thread is the bombdiggity 

[BasementDweller]

Oh my god that was amazing I read it 4 times. HELL YES! This is what love is supposed to feel like, not pain and strife, right?

I totally agree. Now I'm cautious because I don't want the pain and strife to come later. So I have to convince myself that it's ok to give a person a chance, and like Enabler said "They're not all out to get you." 

With my scandalous past? No way! 

You're a shoo-in! Kennedy, Clinton, Trump... .if those guys can do it... .you absolutely can.   And we need some diversity in that house... .for real!

Love you guys, this thread is the bombdiggity 

We love you too! 

Now I am going to be a damn mess tomorrow. We are meeting after work at 1700 our time to shop for food and wine and commence the fun. I am so NOT going to want to be at work tomorrow. It will be the longest day ever. 

[SerendipityChild]

Now I am going to be a damn mess tomorrow. We are meeting after work at 1700 our time to shop for food and wine and commence the fun. I am so NOT going to want to be at work tomorrow. It will be the longest day ever. 

Good luck BD! I can feel the excitement from your post! Enjoy your date tomorrow and can't wait to hear all about it. Any ideas on what to wear yet? 

[BasementDweller]

Good luck BD! I can feel the excitement from your post! Enjoy your date tomorrow and can't wait to hear all about it. Any ideas on what to wear yet? 

I had all kinds of ideas, haha. But since I am meeting him directly from the office, it's not that exciting. Sort of classy/business/casual. Flattering, but not a huge wow factor. If I brought something way dressier then changed to meet him to go to the grocery store... .it would be obvious I was trying too hard. So I'm just gonna play it cool in my office clothes. 

Which means I'll have to cultivate a personality between now and 1700.   

[Enabler]

No need for masks BD... .leave that to the PD folk. Be yourself, he's already attracted to that.

[BasementDweller]

Thanks, Enabler! Naw, no masks! I was only making a self-deprecating joke. However, one thing that I learned early in life is that is that I quickly (and often) fall into the "beer buddy" category with so many guys, though in a way this is awesome. I have a lot of guy friends and they respect me in the same way they respect other guys in the "boys club".

However... .There have also been times when a guy I really liked and was swooning over chose a more traditionally "ladylike" girlfriend. One who knew how to flatter, be coy, and flirt. I'm kind of the crude tomboy buddy that chugs beer out of the bottle, wears jeans and flip-flops every day, is often covered in charcoal dust (if it's grilling season) and tends to rather unabashedly swear like a truck-driver and tell a lot of gross stories. I suppose enough men say I'm pretty, but definitely not "a typical girl". There are several reasons for this, but mainly, I'm just not the dainty type. I wasn't raised that way, and my brilliant, highly educated, professional mother had a high profile career, and also swore like a truck driver, told gross jokes, whipped up a mean BBQ, and was tough as hell. She took no sh!t. She told me to never apologize for being smart, mouthy, or wanting to drink whiskey instead of Chardonnay. (She's still alive, BTW and exactly the same at 70+.) My dad, at nearly 80 now, never imposed gender roles or standards of "ladylike conduct". He was proud that I knew how to change a tire on a tractor, and could throw a punch better than my older brother.

I'm introverted, sure. But when I'm comfortable with somebody, I'm really just... .one of the dudes. This works in my favor a lot. Unless I'm attracted to someone. Then... .?

I do think this guy likes me the way I am. So far. I also worry it might be morbid curiosity that will soon fade. He's very smart, refined, plays tennis, speaks five languages, and drinks fancy wine.

I'm crude, love toilet humor, trip over my own feet, drink cheap beer, and speak "sailor" and "truckdriver". A mask would be if I pretended to be a "girl". So I won't. But I wonder if he's just going to think I'm a complete... .guy. 

[Enabler]

Post 35 I think many/most chaps have learnt the lesson that they'd rather have someone who'd help them shovel sh!t all day, then have a good handle on which bit they want cranking at night... .and no trouble asking for it... .than someone who has great taste in handbags.

I don't think I'm off base by saying the majority of men want a simple, easy PARTNERSHIP where everyone mucks in and clears the decks to allow the fun to begin. I want patting on a bum when I'm off out with the boys, I want understanding that I WILL register T&A whilst I'm out because frankly I can't help it. (just reminisced on the desk that beach and pool holidays were a freakin' nightmare as I'd be accused of lusting after anything female... .my boss said I needed a massage, to which I responded "If I suggested getting a massage to my W I might as well suggest I was seeing a prostitute").

The irony is that my W is a ladette, she loves a pint and a good dirty joke, she even went on a friends stag do to Amsterdam... .but she held me to different unrealistic standard. What's the mask and what's abandonment fears... .I dunno.

[BasementDweller]

I think many/most chaps have learnt the lesson that they'd rather have someone who'd help them shovel sh!t all day, then have a good handle on which bit they want cranking at night... .and no trouble asking for it... .than someone who has great taste in handbags.

HAHA! This is excellent news, then! And also the funniest thing I have heard in quite some time. I suppose he somehow managed to figure out I was a girl - underneath it all. Or at least I hope he does eventually. Because I don't even have a handbag. Just a black canvas backpack from a sporting goods store. ;-)

[pearlsw]

Which means I'll have to cultivate a personality between now and 1700.  

hahhahaa.  I started doing that when I was a kid and realized I was "short" in the looks department! hahahahaha. Or maybe it was just because of the small farm town I grew up in because the herds of fellas showed up later I must admit, hard to say! ;)

What is hilarious is am wearing a free shirt I got on the streets of San Francisco, well in the lobby of some museum, with that dragon on it right now! But I just wear it because it is soft, I had no idea who this dragon was! hahaahaha. Weird though, huh?

Yes, many cheers for Ms. Lady Itone  and a toast to sex positivity! 

Oh, and hello, your mom for president too! hahahahha.  

I'm not on the girly end of the spectrum myself! I hear ya sister!  

Is it Feierabend (getting off work time in German) yet?  

fun, fun, fun and happiness! pearl.  

[BasementDweller]

hahhahaa.  I started doing that when I was a kid and realized I was "short" in the looks department!

You most certainly are not!

What is hilarious is am wearing a free shirt I got on the streets of San Francisco, well in the lobby of some museum, with that dragon on it right now! But I just wear it because it is soft, I had no idea who this dragon was! hahaahaha. Weird though, huh?

I will consider that a positive omen! 

Yes, many cheers for Ms. Lady Itone  and a toast to sex positivity! 

Oh, and hello, your mom for president too! hahahahha.  

She IS awesome. And raised me right. ;-)

Is it Feierabend (getting off work time in German) yet? 

Almost. I leave my desk in 20 minutes to head one train stop away to the Lair of the Dragon. Then we grocery shop. 

Where did you get the cheerleader emoji? My emoji list is sorely lacking.

[Cat Familiar]

I quickly (and often) fall into the "beer buddy" category with so many guys, though in a way this is awesome. I have a lot of guy friends and they respect me in the same way they respect other guys in the "boys club".

However... .There have also been times when a guy I really liked and was swooning over chose a more traditionally "ladylike" girlfriend. One who knew how to flatter, be coy, and flirt. I'm kind of the crude tomboy buddy that chugs beer out of the bottle, wears jeans and flip-flops every day, is often covered in charcoal dust (if it's grilling season) and tends to rather unabashedly swear like a truck-driver and tell a lot of gross stories. He was proud that I knew how to change a tire on a tractor, and could throw a punch better than my older brother.

Wow!    Me too. It must be the INTJ thing. I've tried so hard to have some semblance of femininity but I just don't know how--clothes, hair, makeup--I'm a total failure at all of that. Funny thing is that others don't see me that way. I'm thin but strong and can get away with the "California girl" look so my lack of feminine skills goes largely unnoticed, since I live in a rural area instead of a big city.

And the flirting thing--I never figured that out. I just have these intense conversations about world events, politics, the environment... .whatever... .but I never have had any idea how to flirt and would have been terrified to try.

Definitely not a girly girl and my way of getting dressed up for dinner out is to shower, cut my fingernails really short, eliminating the dirt from the animals and garden, comb my hair and throw on a sundress and flip flops and call it good. I'm fortunate that my husband tolerates this. 

[Cat Familiar]

Well BD, you are now headed toward your date and I bet you'll have a fabulous time. Remember the first thing he said to you was how he noticed your intelligence, and for a man who is so bright and accomplished, it must be as if he's found his match in you--not many unicorns out there!

So he definitely sees you, who you are, and that's who he's interested in. A nice feeling to be sure.   

[Skip]

Did my thread get moved from Detatching to Learning? Hmmm... .the mods have more faith in my sanity right now than I do. 

   Dating threads all go to Learning. It can be hard for someone who has just broken up to read these.

I am entering into this plan knowing that the likelihood that the option to... .eh... ."make the beast with two backs" will present itself... // ...   I have to be honest and say I've gotten a marriage proposal or two out of it, or at least a few pairs of trousers falling off. Just saying. I didn't ASK for that in return. They just fell off. So I kinda know what I'm doing in extending this invitation.

Ah, a quote from Shakespeare.

Be careful BasementDweller.  While there is an old saying that the best way to get over a bad breakup is to get under someone... .or the best way to get over a bad breakup is by having rebound sex, researcher's have found this is a high risk antidote. In surveys over the years we know that many of the relationships that brought members here were rebounds or relationships started a time when the member was wounded or vulnerable.

Enjoy your date.

[I_Am_The_Fire]

Oh wow! What a fantastic thread! You are all awesome!

I'm kind of the crude tomboy buddy that chugs beer out of the bottle, wears jeans and flip-flops every day, is often covered in charcoal dust (if it's grilling season) and tends to rather unabashedly swear like a truck-driver and tell a lot of gross stories.

I'm introverted, sure. But when I'm comfortable with somebody, I'm really just... .one of the dudes.

I'm crude, love toilet humor, trip over my own feet, drink cheap beer, and speak "sailor" and "truckdriver". A mask would be if I pretended to be a "girl". So I won't. But I wonder if he's just going to think I'm a complete... .guy.

I just want to say Wow! ME TOO!  My fiance seems to appreciate this about me, though. We have a blast! We're both very nerdy and have the same sense of humor which makes everything that much more fun.     On a side note, sometimes my ex seemed to behave like the stereotypical wife and I tended to behave more like the stereotypical husband. Just find it interesting. I may start a new thread on this out of curiosity.

BD, I also find it fascinating that you sound a lot like me in your writing as well. I LOVE your writing! You've reminded me how much I miss my goofy quirky writing. I need to start writing again. Thank you! 

Skip does make a good point, though. *sigh*    

I really hope you have a wonderful time on your date! 

[BeagleGirl]

And the flirting thing--I never figured that out. I just have these intense conversations about world events, politics, the environment... .whatever... .but I never have had any idea how to flirt and would have been terrified to try.

So this is something I (evidently) can give tips on.  My T mentioned a couple months ago that she thought I was a natural flirt.  I told my friends about her comment and their response was "Well duh!".  It seems I am a natural flirt, even when I'm not really trying.  I think that might be how I got into this whole thing with Neighbor B.  

When I asked what I do that would be considered flirty I got the following list:
-Smiling a lot
-Strong eye contact
-Engagement in what they have to say

To me those things just fall under the category of "friendly".  When I'm actually TRYING to flirt... .
-Shrink personal space boundaries: stand a little closer
-Touch: Light, brief touch on arm as part of conversation or linger just half a breath longer on incidental touch.
-Interrupted eye contact:  Make strong eye contact, look down or away, then reestablish eye contact.  This is more intentional than the normal drifting of eye contact that takes place.
-Comments that invite them to conjure up a mental image of you:  I am 99% sure that Neighbor B has filed away a mental image of me in footie pajamas.  Make that 100% sure, because he's alluded to it a few times.  This started when he made a comment about Gale Gadot (WonderWoman) being "easy on the eyes".  I responded that I had feminist feelings about the way female superheros are portrayed.  To which he responded, "You're not their target audience.  Besides, what would you have them wear?" My response {Flirt Alert} "I could save the world wearing footie pajamas."  It may not be the sexiest image, but I can guarantee that Neighbor B was no longer focused on Gale Gadot.  I kind of seized an opportunity for that one, but if you have a story or question (Do you think x hair color/glasses/piece of clothing would suit me?) that invites him to create that mental image... .
-Comments that could have additional meaning:  {Confession} I wish Neighbor B "sweet dreams" most nights when one of us says we need to stop playing Words With Friends and get some sleep.  There might be a slight hint in that wish that his sweet dreams might include the wisher of sweet dreams.  It's definitely a bit more personal than the "good night" we originally ended our evenings with.  I think any comment that leaves him wondering "is she flirting with me?" is far more effective than an outright flirty comment.
-Teasing:  It can sometimes take a little delicacy to find the right target and level of teasing, but it can definitely be fun.

Jeesh.  All this talking about flirting makes me think I need to go find a place to flirt this weekend.  

BG

[SerendipityChild]

If I brought something way dressier then changed to meet him to go to the grocery store... .it would be obvious I was trying too hard. So I'm just gonna play it cool in my office clothes. 

Agreed... .but don't forget the red lipstick and eyeliner for a dramatic look=) Enjoy your date!

[pearlsw]

Hi BD,

Now that we are past the anticipation and back on earth... .Hope that you are safe and okay!

This is your life and these are your choices and we are here to support your healing process.

I hope the evening was all you hoped for it to be. I know you are a mature, intelligent, empowered woman, but you have also been through quite a lot in this last relationship. We go way back from across the boards, back from your/our time supporting and sharing on Bettering, and I dearly remember how much you've made an effort to help others while processing your own pain.

No pressure from us here. We've had some fun with you, but are also mindful to balance that with our genuine concern. I know I've tried various formulas post breakup and so have you over the years! There is a lot of mental adjusting that goes on to set oneself back in order post-breakup.

In your gut what feels right now for you and your life? What is the healthiest way forward?

with compassion, pearl.

[BasementDweller]

I’m safe and quite ok.   Dinner was a smashing success. Still at the lair now. Will update soon!

[Cat Familiar]

Hello BD,
   

I'm so glad you had a fabulous time!

Cat

[Cat Familiar]

Hey BG,
Those are awesome tips on flirting. Thank you. I wish I'd known that when I was 16. I would have had a lot more fun. But I was too shy to even make eye contact.   

Cat

[Harri]

This thread has been locked due to reaching the post limit.  Part 2 can be found here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=328615.0;all