In a weird place, Foreign Territory. So Lost

[yotmwbf]

Hello everyone

I am here to vent. I also need guidance, but I feel lost and I've never been here before.

My ex girlfriend and I have broken up 2 weeks ago. She gave me an ultimatum, I had 1 month to find out if I wanted to move back in or not - Context here in old post ( https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=327979.0 )

Long story short. I decided I did not want to move back in with her because I felt it was not working out. The thought of moving my stuff back in and getting caught in the cycle of arguing and fighting made me feel so exhausted and frustrated that I was losing sleep (many of the arguments we had were my fault too, and we came to terms that we both have different ways of looking at life and what we needed from eachother).

This is where I feel lost now:

 After a week of breaking up and not talking to each other, she texted me in distress that she was going to end her life. She was in a world of writhing pain I felt as though her world was shattered. She didn't have anyone, no family to support her, no friends to run to, everyone in her life seems to have forgot her or as she says "abandoned" her. My heart was weak and I genuinely care and have feelings for her, I do love this one. I sent my friend who had the keys to her place (I gave them to him because he was supposed to give them to her on my behalf) and he saw she had hurt herself. She was taken to an 72 hour watch at the hospital. She texted me that she was alone the next day, and that I never cared about her, and that she has no one ("You are differen't. You don't love me anymore, the man I once knew is no more. He wouldn't leave me like this" .My heart yearned to care for her and hug her and tell her everything was going to be okay (even though we had broken up for good reason - in my eyes). We cried together, she said she loved me, I said I loved her too but things are not okay... .She told me she wanted to be with me forever and that we would be married and if I didn't move out, things would not be as they were.

Hearing this made my heart ache because I couldn't bear the one I love going through such agony. I just know we can't be together, not after all the fighting, disagreements, difference in views. I saw a woman in pain, a deeper pain that I have ever seen in my life. I saw a hopeless woman who's life had shattered right in front of me and I couldn't do anything to help her as she wept uncontrollable, grabbing my chest as she agonizes about her life.

I feel lost because I don't know what to do. Her and I both saw 1 thing in common, that we both have feelings and love eachother, but that's all we really know. She asked me if we could ever be together again. I told her i am not a magician and that I am not sure what the future holds. But I said we are not in a good place, it's not likely to be so but who knows... .

We both agreed that we are not going to date, we also agreed that we will not see other people. We are in a weird place.
My brain is in a state of bewilderment. I was in the process of healing and mourning and now I am all of a sudden not? But I am? I am not sure. This is so weird for me. We have an attachment to eachother so strong its unhealthy it seems. I care for her well being. We are both getting therapy. I am not sure where life will lead, but I told her specifically that I am going to focus on my own health, and my number one priority is me me me. I just don't know what the hell is going on. It feels as though 2 different species are in love, but we can't be together. How does one detach or reattach? How does one know what to do next? The relationship is so far gone it seems doomed and hopeless. Please help me.

[Mutt]

Hi omwhat the heckyb,



I really feel for you - you're in a tough spot. I think that a question to ask yourself with what you need - are you done with the r/s?

[Lady Itone]

Aw, sweetheart, Of course you feel lost. You're a compassionate man who can see that this woman you care about is in so much pain.

I remember the day I had to call an ambulance to come take away my exgfBPD, who I'd recently broken up with (again.) She'd left me a two minute long voicemail just screaming and sobbing, no words. I mentally prepared myself for her to show up at my house, which she did, a few hours later in a full blown psychotic episode. I heard her wailing from blocks away.

When she came through my front gate, what I saw was not my 6'1'' Amazon in her early 30's. I saw her for a moment as a tiny child, maybe 3 or 5 years old, in that all-consuming grief that only a tiny child can have when something horrible has happened. How could I walk away knowing how bad it was for me, it was much worse for her? After she got out of the psyche ward and rehab, we went through another cycle. 

You're right, you are in a weird place. I guess first step is be honest with yourself, how much are you willing to give to make this work? She's already shown you what a relationship with her will entail, though of course, there are ways you can make it somewhat better. Or do you feel that you are being coerced into a relationship you don't want? I remember feeling that way sometimes. ExBPDgf still pushes at my boundaries, trying to get back into my headspace. I think that comes with BPD territory.

I, personally, had to do a lot slow backing up, distancing gymnastics before I was able to extricate. I'm still extricating. It's hard when you actually love the person you're trying to break up with, and they cling to you like a liferaft. It sure isn't fair. Needless to say, you have my sympathy.