I thing my wife of 16 years has BPD and just left me

[Bungled]

My wife of 16 years wants a divorce.  We met 17 years ago and it was great.  It was instant and wonderful.  I was in love and so was she. As I reflect back there may have been a few red flags even then, but I was too love blind to notice. I spent loads of money having fun with her and she loved that.  I remember we took a trip and she would make a rude comment about me, and then she would say she was joking. I even got so caught up with her I quit a great job because she wanted us to spend more time together. So I started waiting tables instead of working a great tech job like I had before.   A year to the day we met we got married (way too early but we were in love). I remember our wedding night she said she wanted to have a baby.  I really wanted to wait but she really wanted a baby so we started trying right away.  As luck would have it, one month after our 1 year anniversary we had our daughter.  Now that we had our daughter I felt the pressure to have a good job again.  Problem was I was out of the tech industry long enough to have a hard time finding a good job.  I decide to go back to school.  We agreed I would get a degree in education and teach even though I didn't want to teach. I would allow me to be more involved with our daughter when she became school aged.  So I went to school and my wife worked to support us some financially.  She spent a lot of money during this time so we really struggled.  I finally graduated with my degree. On graduation day she was there but not very excited about everything.  During my time in school she was not very supportive but blamed it on taking care of our daughter.  Thing is I still helped with our daughter a lot and my parents babysat our daughter often.  I was always to blame for your financial problems. I had to shoulder it all. I even took a part time job to help while I was in school. I went to school and worked a total of 60 hours a week.  When it came time to find a teaching job I just couldn't get a good one.  This was in 2008 when teaching jobs were a bit scarce.  Not to mention I really didn't want to teach and was getting no support emotionally from my wife.  I still kept holding on because I wanted to support my family.  I felt like I was doing all the work to make my family the family it could be on my own.  My wife seemed to think that her working a 30-40 hour a week job was more than enough for her part and made me feel guilty for getting my degree.  Three years after struggling with getting a teaching job and working other jobs to support my family my wife decided that she wanted a divorce.  This was in 2011.  I told her I wanted to work on us and she said she didn't.  She moved out but never filed.  She lived in her own apartment for 4 years but never filed for divorce.  Then one day in 2015 she decided she would move back in, but in her own room.  I was okay with that because she seemed open to work on us. She played along and we got a joint checking account, and did other things we used to do as a family.  We just never became intimate again.  She would always dangle the hope of us in front of me until May of this year when she told me she was leaving me and filing for divorce.  I was crushed because she had strung me along for so long.  During the months of April and early May she was gone often and said she was visiting her parent in a near by suburb.  Turns out she was visiting another guy and I was just a place holder and sucker for the last 3 years of our marriage.  During this three year period our daughter had her family back as well.  She really enjoyed that.  I was finally making decent money and we could give her a good Christmas and birthdays.  My wife loved it because I was paying most of the bills. 

Fast forward to July and my mom decided to contact my wife's mom to discuss their granddaughter, and my wife's visits to her parents didn't happen.  Also, turns out that during that four year period my wife had her own apartment her parents were paying her rent and for her to go to college to get her 4 year degree in Social Work.  She told her parents that she graduated and had her degree. Thing is that my wife didn't even finish a full 2 years of community college.  My mom had to tell her mom that. 

I guess what I am saying is that the signs that I see from my wife with BPD is that she has a problem with lying and being hot and cold.  Oh and not to mention her addiction so spending.  When our daughter was first born and the next 3 or 4 years my wife easily spent two to three thousand dollars on baby items that we hardly or never used. 

Through all of this I stuck by my wife's side.  I really feel like a sucker, but I loved her.  There is so much more to the story, but trying to put it all in here would mean writing a literal book.  I just don't know any other reason for my wife being the way she is than some sort of personality disorder.

Oh, I forgot to mention that she has a tendency to reach out to me for help or strange reasons.  One time her car wouldn't start and she needed someone to pick her up from work.  She called me instead of her new boyfriend.  One time she texted me about something our daughter wanted me to do at my house when my daughter could have asked me.  I really don't know what I am dealing with, but it feels like something wrong.  I know I have left a lot out.  If you ask I can elaborate.  I wonder if I am just a total sucker or a someone that loves/ed someone with a personality disorder.

[Bungled]

I forgot to mention that she was filing for divorce, but I told her I wanted primary custody of our daughter and she was okay with that.  Her main concern was that I wasn't going to make her pay child support.  So now she wants me to file and pay the court cost.  So I am doing that so I can have primary custody of our daughter.  I am also getting our daughter into counseling.

Right now as well my wife has become the Disneyland mom and I have to be the parent that takes care of the adult things.

[Educated_Guess]

Hi Bungled!  Welcome to the group.

Wow, you really have been through a lot!  I'm sorry you have had to go through so much.  You sound like a caring and committed person.  I don't think you are a sucker.  It sounds to me that you had the courage to love and to give and be patient in your relationship and someone that can do that ain't no sucker in my eyes.  Not everybody has that kind of courage and it is something to be admired.  The only possible fault I can see here is that you picked a partner who didn't do the same for you, but how could you have known that ahead of time?

A lot of what you described echoed things with my own relationship.  I financially supported my ex and didn't mind doing it as long as it was feasible.  When I asked her to get a part time job to help with the bills when I couldn't keep up with everything, it was the spark that started the eventual blow up.  I think my ex would have been perfectly happy to have me paying all the bills and taking all the responsibility so she had unlimited time to do what she wanted.  Money issues are tough to navigate in any relationship but it is a particularly treacherous minefield when BPD is involved.

As for your ex's recent behavior, it sounds to me like she wants to keep her toes dipped in your water.  Maybe you are a back up plan or maybe she just likes keeping that control over you.  She can also be testing you or throwing out some bait to see if you will bite.  This behavior will likely continue as long as she thinks she can still hold on to you.

How do you feel now that you are taking steps forward to sever the relationship? 

btw, I identify with you on the writing issue.  I've been writing my own multi-part epic story on these boards.  It has as many parts as an 80's slasher movie franchise.

[Bungled]

Letting go of her right now is hard. It isn't that i want to be with her anymore, it's that I keep thinking about how great things used to in the beginning.  I hold on to that even though it was 17 years ago. The majority of our marriage was a struggle.  We had some good times, but in all reality most of it was me struggling to keep us above water.  She worked and brought in money but spent so much money.  There was a couple of times we had to ask her parents to help us keep our house out of foreclosure. 

The hardest part for me is reflecting back on our marriage and thinking it was me that caused all the problems.  Then I remind myself of all the times I tried to talk to her and she used her favorite tactic.  She never raged or go super angry.  She would instead use the silent treatment.  She loved to gaslight as well. There were times when I would ask her a question and she wouldn't respond.  I would ask again and she would say I say "yes" or "no"  you just didn't hear me.  Then she would criticize me for not paying attention to her for not hearing her response.  The first time she left me I asked her why she never came to me before about not being happy in the marriage and she said she did, but I didn't remember. To this very day she still uses the silent treatment.  I am taking our daughter to counseling because of everything.  When her and I are talking about it she just shuts down.  She won't talk about it or will just grunt.  If our daughter is around then she will say things like "Oh you may make a friend" to our daughter.  She is delusional. 

When it comes to our daughter she treats her like a baby.  Our daughter is 14 almost 15 and she still buys her stuffed animals and spoils her with toys.  She even had me convinces at one point that our daughter had Asperger's syndrome. Our daughter has no signs of the syndrome.  She even told our daughter that she thinks she has ADHD. My daughter bought it.  My mom thinks my stbx is doing these things to keep our daughter attached to her.  She has to have someone that will always be around. My stbx has already alienated her own parents and is divorcing me.  She may try to do that to keep me on the hook some as well, but I want to fully detach. As much as I wish and I mean really wish our marriage would have worked, I can't stay married to her.  It hurts to do this but I have to.  I have to constantly tell myself that so I don't fall under her spell in any way. 

I am sure I will have a whole lot more to share.  I am just now realizing what I have been dealing with in my marriage.  So much craziness to untangle.

[Educated_Guess]

I can relate to a lot of what you shared, Bungled.  I also wanted to get back to the good times and accepting that wasn't going to come back was hard.  Part of what helped me here learning about the idealization phase and that what she said and did during that phase really wasn't all that real to begin with.  But, damn, didn't it seem real and it was intoxicating.

One song kinda helped me see how I felt about that idealization phase and how I was begging for it - U2's "Even Better Than The Real Thing".

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yrch66gdjjk

Give me one more chance
And you'll be satisfied
Give me two more chances
You won't be denied

Well my heart is where it's always been
My head is somewhere in between
Give me one more chance
Let me be your lover tonight

You're the real thing
Yeah the real thing
You're the real thing
Even better than the real thing

Give me one last chance
And I'm gonna make you sing
Give me half a chance
To ride on the waves that you bring

You're honey child to a swarm of bees
Gonna blow right through you like a breeze
Give me one last dance
We'll slide down the surface of things

You're the real thing
Yeah the real thing
You're the real thing
Even better than the real thing

[/i]

So, yeah, that pretty much describes how I begged to get back to that idealization phase.  But then I started to understand that if the love is real, you shouldn't have to beg for it or chase it.  Turns out that the illusion of perfect, soul-mate type love is not even better than the real thing.

I was also overwhelmed with a feeling of guilt and failure immediately after the break up because she said that it was all my fault and I believed it.  But the idea that only one person is responsible for the failures in a relationship is just illogical and ridiculous.  It was logic that got me through that.  I've been telling the details of how I started to put some of her assertions that I was all bad to the test in my own multi-part story I've been sharing on these boards so I won't detail it here.  The short version is that when I started using logic and evidence in my conversations with her, her narrative crumbled and she backtracked and retreated.

I'm proud of you for taking the steps you are taking to distance yourself from her and all the struggle of the relationship.  It is a difficult road you are on but know that you are making a good decision for yourself and your daughter.  Blessings to you!

[Bungled]

Thank you so much for the song. I love U2 and never looked at the song that way. Ironically U2 was the first concert I took my wife to see when we were dating. That was a great time. That was when we both were lost in each other.

It feels good to know I'm not alone or losing my mind. I've been dealing with her being out of the house for 2 months now, and her decision to leave for a 3 months. Well at least this time around. I'm detaching this time though. That's the hard part. I know she's not healthy for me. She may be the mother of my child, but I have to take care of myself and our daughter.

Thanks again for responding. I'm going to find some time read your posts as well. It's comforting to know your not alone. I honestly thought I was going crazy.

[Educated_Guess]

I’ve been listening to the Achung Baby a lot lately and I’m beginning to think that it is a concept album about being in a relationship with a pwBPD.  I did a post about how I finally got “So Cruel” after my breakup because it so completely describes being the other in a BPD relationship.  And there’s “Love is Blindness”, I mean, are you kidding me?  That’s a BPD breakup song if ever I’ve heard one.

You’re not crazy, hon.  If you are then I’m right there with you Lol!  Take care of yourself and your daughter.  You both deserve it.  You’re going to make it through this.  Reach out when you feel alone.  There’s a lot of strength in just knowing you are not the only one who has experienced this.