I just saw my BPDex.

[Depression = 72% of members]

I switched one of my night classes, and my class is in a different building now.

I saw my exBPD... .

She was with a friend. I approached her (not sure why. To be honest I wanted her to miss me or see me and miss me) and I smiled and said, “hey how are you” and she looked at me disgusted and annoyed... .And said “I’m good” and turned her head back to texting.

I smiled and said, “it was good seeing you” and she said “yea”

And I walked away.

Not sure how I feel. I miss her but looking at her she still is the same person. I figured she would let things go. But nope.

I’m mad at myself. I’m so anxious... .

[CryWolf]

I switched one of my night classes, and my class is in a different building now.

I saw my exBPD... .

She was with a friend. I approached her (not sure why. To be honest I wanted her to miss me or see me and miss me) and I smiled and said, “hey how are you” and she looked at me disgusted and annoyed... .And said “I’m good” and turned her head back to texting.

I smiled and said, “it was good seeing you” and she said “yea”

And I walked away.

Not sure how I feel. I miss her but looking at her she still is the same person. I figured she would let things go. But nope.

I’m mad at myself. I’m so anxious... .

[pearlsw]

Hi CryWolf,  

It's good you ran into her and spoke. It's a chance to face the fear of the unknown. It happened. You survived it.  

Can you describe more about the anxiety? When/how/why it comes up? And how you deal with it?

Why are you mad at yourself?

take care buddy, pearl.

[CryWolf]

Hi CryWolf,  

It's good you ran into her and spoke. It's a chance to face the fear of the unknown. It happened. You survived it.  

Can you describe more about the anxiety? When/how/why it comes up? And how you deal with it?

Why are you mad at yourself?

take care buddy, pearl.

Yes I’ve been wondering about her. She still looks the same, acts the same. Still is a cold hearted bitch. I thought/hoped we both would grow in space and let go of the past. I wanted to be mature and paint a light on the breakup and any negative associations to diminish on both ends.

I was hoping she’d Think “wow he grew so much and matured. He isn’t that needy/etc as before”
I was hoping for a mature conversation.

I missed her so much and thought she would feel the same. But I’m still painted black.

I guess this is my closure.

I also realized that I have been doing so much better without her in my life and her crisis.

I am better at managing my anxiety, my future seems more clear, I am a much more different person than when I was with her. I have al these friends and memories that occurred after the breakup as to before my life was dull and everything was about her.

My ex makes me anxious, she makes me feel little and small. She makes me feel like ___. I thought all this would go away and it was just my thoughts projected. But no. My ex is still the same manipulative person. She did the same to her ex as she is doing to me.

I’m mad at myself because I went up to her and she probably thinks I’m still the same pathetic person as before. I was so pathetic during our breakup. I gave everything to her and she made me feel so worthless. She makes me anxious and my heart race.

At the same time i feel relieved I spoke to her and got it over with. She moved on and seems happier now, I have to move on too. It sucks.

I’m also asking myself why I stayed with sloneone like her for so long and allowed all the abuse. I guess I’m also mad that I went up to her again after all she put me through just make amends.

She still has my notes and doesn’t even want to give them back. I feel like I did so much just to be treated like dirt. I never want to be in that situation again.

Sorry for ranting. Wrote this while in class and it might be all over the place

[CryWolf]

I want my power back. i want her to feel the absense of me and regret. I am seeking to much validation on the situation and it’s hard to let go.

I feel childish for such a thing as I’m not a vindictive person. But she left me. Yet she acts like I hurt her by the way she acts. She’s like a little kid with her a Ilene treatment.

I’m still hurt she could even do such a thing to someone she said she’s loved.

This is my first relationship and I lost so much of myself, my time, my dignity for her. Yet she gives me the disgusted look, the same one she gives whenever she discarded me. The same one she knows gets under my skin and I try to plead more.

But this time I didn’t, I asked how she was doing. And said it was good seeing her and walked away.

The old me would have stuck around like a dog and seeked approval.

I feel relief, I feel anxiety, I feel anger. I feel clouded. I feel all the negative emotions  I did when I was with her. How can she just act like I never mattered? Why is iit not hard on her? How cold can she be? Why do I care?

Sorry if this is giving you guys a headache or I sound like I’m just been running in circles with my emotions right now.

[Cat Familiar]

Well, it is painful after a breakup that wasn’t the way you wanted it to be. You want to see her express some feelings toward you and what she did wasn’t what you wanted.

You behaved with dignity and you should be proud of that.   

At this point you can see clearly that she is treating you the same way she did with her previous ex, so that’s on her, not you.

Of course you’d like her to see that you’ve grown, but you’re looking for validation from the wrong person. You know you have and that you’ll be far healthier in a future relationship, so that’s very empowering. 

Some people, for whatever reason, are incredibly damaged and they cross our paths and we wonder what on earth we’re supposed to learn. I think you learned that you deserve more; you deserve a kind woman who will appreciate you and love you.

[once removed]

I want my power back.

from whom? think about it.

when a relationship ends, so does the power struggle.

you have the power. what youre doing is trying to reverse the sense of rejection. in that regard, there is no power. trying is going to perpetuate those feelings of rejection.

it doesnt sound like you think all that highly of her at this point. and maybe im wrong in that, but it seems what you think more highly of is her approval. frankly, setting her aside, no ones approval is worth that much.

power might look like letting go of that, working toward giving it to yourself.

[Turkish]

Does it sound to you like she made her feelings clear?

[CryWolf]

Does it sound to you like she made her feelings clear?

Yes. She couldnt even look me in the eye. She knows how much I hated being ignored, or her pretending like im not there by being on her phone. Right when she saw me, she went back on her phone. and replied to me when on her phone, like i had no value in her life.

This of course made me feel devaluated and less. This made me feel all the anxieties and stress of how it was when I was with her. I thought we could be adults but she is still the same person as before. She still dresses, acts, behaves the same.

it doesnt sound like you think all that highly of her at this point. and maybe im wrong in that, but it seems what you think more highly of is her approval. frankly, setting her aside, no ones approval is worth that much.

power might look like letting go of that, working toward giving it to yourself.

I feel like I was looking forward to the day to show how much I changed and I held this value of her approval, and seeing her made me feel "why do I need her approval" and it makes me upset that it bothers me. When she went back on her phone, i told myself internally "i dont need this" and walked away. I felt amazing.

Now I look at her, and its like "why did I fall for her?" for 3 years what did she give me besides stress, frustration and anger? Sure there were times of love and joy but it was always disregarded by crisis and me running to her disposal to make her happy.

I guess a huge part is that Im upset at myself. I have felt like I have gotten my life back, but I resent her.

Some people, for whatever reason, are incredibly damaged and they cross our paths and we wonder what on earth we’re supposed to learn. I think you learned that you deserve more; you deserve a kind woman who will appreciate you and love you.

Thank you so much for this. 

[pearlsw]

Hi CryWolf,

Sorry for the pain and anxiety you are feeling! Some breakups are just like this unfortunately! They knock you for a loop!

The first sudden, shocking one I had with someone who (looking back now) was amazing, but also had these BPD traits was absolutely horrible. I felt pretty pathetic myself! I can still remember the first time I saw him afterwards was at a funeral. A funeral! And he basically blew me off, even in that venue!

I wanted to talk to him so badly, to understand what had happened, but we never got to have any such conversations. He turned completely cold and never looked the same to me any of the times I saw him after that. (And there were a few more pathetic, undignified encounters unfortunately.)

Because I like to speak nicely of ex's it took me years before I could even admit to myself and say out loud that "I had dodged a bullet" by not "ending up" with him as my life partner. But it was hard to get to that point, to realize the wonderful person I thought I was with was really not so wonderful afterall - at least in terms of breakups and remaining friends, etc.

He married his very next girlfriend and had a kid with her. But by the time that happened it didn't sting anymore. It felt like he had ended up with the right person. And eventually I was able to be glad I met him, because it set me up to meet the next person I met and I brought new insights and made a better choice with my next partner. My next boyfriend was a great guy, and although we didn't end up together he's still one of my favorite guys because we never fought! We resolved issues in such an easy way, even our breakup was sort of poignant and sweet, the way we struggled to make that decision, not for any ugly reasons, just as a practical matter. I know he's a friend for life and would be there if I ever needed him and that means the world to me.

She may have been the first big relationship, but she's not the last, and you will go on to something so much better (I can tell you from experience!) and that lets you be the person you want to be... .that maybe you will look back a little bit grateful, even to this past painful experience, because it will have made you who you are today! And you will be that much better prepared for the next one.

Take the time to sit down and remind yourself of all the reasons you are a wonderful person to be with because it is true! Use that mind to boost yourself back up not tear yourself down! The world does enough of that, so use that powerful tool to be positive about yourself and be free from this pain (in time). You can do it!

big hugs, pearl.    

[Radcliff]

Crywolf,

All your feelings are completely natural.  But chalk it up as a win.  You saw how she feels, and learned that you can't get validation from her.  It's normal to want it, though.  Just not realistic, unfortunately. 

What did you get in three years?  An education.  Frustrating and painful at times, but what good education isn't?  I don't mean to be trite -- seriously, to have taken a few bumps in an early relationship can help set you up to make better choices in the next one.

What are you looking for in your next relationship?

WW

[CryWolf]

Crywolf,

All your feelings are completely natural.  But chalk it up as a win.  You saw how she feels, and learned that you can't get validation from her.  It's normal to want it, though.  Just not realistic, unfortunately.  

What did you get in three years?  An education.  Frustrating and painful at times, but what good education isn't?  I don't mean to be trite -- seriously, to have taken a few bumps in an early relationship can help set you up to make better choices in the next one.

What are you looking for in your next relationship?

WW

This is a very bright and positive way to look at it.  

In my next relationship,
I want good communication, empathy, I want someone who has motivation and drive and can speak for herself and know her purpose. Someone who isn’t so persuaded or close minded. Someone who can say no and has  boundaries and can say them.
Can support my goals and dreams as I can hers.

Someone who can give me the amount of love and affection without making me feel guilty or unlovable. Someone who is patient and understanding. I want laughter and joy and travel and the option of independence without feeling smothered. I don’t like being told what I can and can’t do.

I want to be their only option and not have to wonder and think about mind games. And being lost in translation. Honesty!

I think that’s enough mentioned for now

PS  They also must like Leonardo DiCaprio as much as me. And get mad when there was enough room for him to survive on that door during Titanic

[pearlsw]

PS  They also must like Leonardo DiCaprio as much as me. And get mad when there was enough room for him to survive on that door during Titanic

 

riiight! empathy! 

[formflier]

I’m mad at myself. I’m so anxious... .

Can you explore this a bit more?

I get the anxiety... .but I'm not connecting on the mad part.  I'm interested in more of your thoughts on the "mad thing".

FF

[Skip]

Post relationship dynamics are really hard for anyone to understand. We engage with someone intimately, share ourselves, we're #1 in their life, then... .there is nothing or even worse than nothing.

Imagine a couple that has been married for 25 years, raised kids together, buried family members, waited in hospital rooms during surgery, built a house, were parts of each other's family, and then, there is nothing. Or less than nothing (like the snub you got).

Human nature is hard to understand - especially in this area. I've heard many people say a breakup is much deeper loss than a death, for this reason.

Part of what hurts is that we often function in the mindset of being in the relationship after it is over, when indeed, the mindset is very very different in after a breakup.

You were man enough to approach her. You were man enough to not retaliate to the snub. The task now is to put it in perspective - this is just what happens when a relationship crashes and burns. This is where "Detachment" (something you are still working on) is so important. You have to find the strength in your character to dig deep and set the old relationship free, let it go with all its glory and bitterness.

It's a chapter in your life. Once you let it go, you can write that chapter (with the good and the not so good and the life lesson), and then move to the next one.

[BasementDweller]

Crywolf - I totally feel you here. I saw my ex yesterday when he had to drop an important piece of mail to me. I totally forgive him. I feel no anger or grudge toward him. I was polite and thankful, but he gave me major attitude. Like you, I did not take the bait, did not get upset, did not engage, and I wished him a nice day.

These people are in deep pain, and I believe, that while they will never admit it, they do feel shame and embarrassment when we drop the drama and they simply CANNOT. My ex is not a college student. He is a 50 year old man with a professional career and two grown sons. He acted like your ex acted when we met. Why? Who knows? I can't imagine harboring that kind of hostility or defensiveness. I understand his disorder, however, and that's just how he deals with things that make him uncomfortable.

After he left yesterday, my only real thought was "Really?" But yeah... .really. That defensiveness is the moat, the fortress, the barbed wire around their fragile cores. It's all they have in the face of unimaginable inner turmoil. I feel compassion for my ex. It can't be a good way to live. To push away everyone who loves you, when all you want is love.

You are recovering, my friend. Yeah, it hurt, when she was rude to you, and you were angry at yourself and anxious. That is normal. You were polite to her and left on a pleasant note even though she was harsh toward you. You did good and should be proud. Taking the high road is the first step to getting yourself back. 

[crushedagain]

Part of what hurts is that we often function in the mindset of being in the relationship after it is over, when indeed, the mindset is very very different in after a breakup.

You have to find the strength in your character to dig deep and set the old relationship free, let it go with all its glory and bitterness.

It's a chapter in your life. Once you let it go, you can write that chapter (with the good and the not so good and the life lesson), and then move to the next one.

This resonated with me. I have some sort of flaw where I am not able to move on from things like other people. When I love somebody, it's a very strong attachment that is not easily reversed. I have never understood how people jump from relationship to relationship. I can't do it.

I need to learn the skills to actually completely detach and move on - not only from my BPD ex, but from other things as well. It's like my memories are stuck or something.

[Wickit]

This resonated with me. I have some sort of flaw where I am not able to move on from things like other people. When I love somebody, it's a very strong attachment that is not easily reversed. I have never understood how people jump from relationship to relationship. I can't do it.

I need to learn the skills to actually completely detach and move on - not only from my BPD ex, but from other things as well. It's like my memories are stuck or something.


Like I wrote it myself!

[Radcliff]

CryWolf, that's a great list!

There's a book I recently noticed by Bill Eddy, who we mention around here a lot, called, Dating Radar: Why Your Brain Says Yes To "The One" Who Will Make Your Life Hell.  Basically, it's about how do stop from getting into a relationship with someone with a personality disorder.  I'm curious to read it.  If you get to it first, or if other members have read it, let us know!

WW

[SerendipityChild]

I've heard many people say a breakup is much deeper loss than a death, for this reason.

This is exactly what I felt when I got discarded. A total loss and missing someone you can never be with again. Except my ex is still out there living his life and going about things just like nothing happened. As I was left all alone picking up up broken pieces of myself.

[CryWolf]

Hey all. I’ll reply to everyone towards the end of the day. I try to avoid talking about my ex as it brings all the memories back and it hurts.

I was late to class this morning. I see this one girl From my others class and we were snapchatting this morning before we bumped into another. Then I was walking to class alone,

Saw my exwBPD across the sidewalk, she glanced at me, and I turned my head pretending I didn’t see her and kept walking. My smile went upside down when I saw her. But the feeling of missing her came back. I think someone mentioned earlier if me approaching her is out of habit. And perhaps.

[CryWolf]

Can you explore this a bit more?

I get the anxiety... .but I'm not connecting on the mad part.  I'm interested in more of your thoughts on the "mad thing".

FF

Hey FF!
I was mad that I expected/hoped/thought that after months, she could converse with me. That we could be adults and catch up/talk like adults. Instead she did dismissed me. Her whole "power" play. I was mad that months and months I subconciously looked for the day to see her again. Show her the change in me, and hoped to see the change in her. Nothing changed on her end. I thought her being cold was only temporary but no. She genuinely hates me and is repulsed by me.

I was hoping deep down, she would see me and her feelings may come back. I know this sounds dumb. But for some reason I missed the idea of us again. Having a healthy rs. But I know this wont happen.

What keeps me up at night, is wondering if her and this new guy she possibly with is a healthy rs and what i couldnt give.

This is exactly what I felt when I got discarded. A total loss and missing someone you can never be with again. Except my ex is still out there living his life and going about things just like nothing happened. As I was left all alone picking up up broken pieces of myself.

Sending lots of hugs your way. I felt this way too. You are not alone, and I still ask how they can move on like nothing happened.


The reason I didnt respond right away, was I had to take some time away from this. The following day, I have a "friend"/old classmate of my ex in my class. my ex mentioned this girl on her blog last semester. me and this girl are now partners and semi friends.

This is what happened, after class we walked together and she started telling about this bad breakup she had. then i told her mine, and i said "i think she was in ur class" and my classmate (cm) asked "who" and i refused at first to prevent drama. But she insisted and promised she wont say anything...

I told her my exes name, and she was shocked and speechless. She told me "wait that makes sense sorta, but im still shocked. etc" and then she asked me "are you the stalker ex?" and i said "what she called me a stalker?" and she said "yea she talked about this guy bringing her flowers late at night and dropping things off and always calling and texting her." and i said "no? all i did was email her once during the semester to thank her for everything and take care" and she said "oh wait, yea she mentioned that too." and i said " the other guy who stalks her is her ex, i remember a mutual friend telling me he still does that althought they broke up before we dated 3 years ago"...

my cm told me, "yea she mentioned you and the other guy throughout the semester, and how she has these guys chasing her, etc and stalking her" and i said "wow, i cant believe she told everyone about the email" she said "yea your the email guy she told us about.  she would randomly mention you or this other guy but she didnt really give names"

it makes sense, her ex's friend at a party told me he dropped roses off to her months ago but i thought he mistook the timeline for a long time ago, but i guess he still has been trying to get with her. and she probably gets off on it.

The messed up part, when me and her were dating she would give his belongings back, but with mine she wont. its like she has leverage and knows i will continue to contact her for it. but i have only asked once.

my cm told me "dont worry, she seemed like a   and whenever in class she wouldnt have her way she would have anger tantrums" and i said "yup sounds like her"

and we both just talked about previous rs and she promised me not to tell my ex anything, and i said 'we dont even talk, i figured u guys would still be friends" and she said "no, but if u guys get together i dont want to be involved with her"
I told her, how her classmates used to stare at me in hallways and make me feel super uncomfortable last semester. Like people knew me and i had no idea who they were or what she was saying about me.  

and i said "i thought that guy in ur class was dating her? they took pics, and he was in my class and i used to follow him but i saw pics of my ex and blocked him"

she said, "oh that day? no that was a friend/group day but i didnt go and i dont think they are dating"

then a few days later, my other friend who follows that guy on snapchat told me he saw his snapchat with a pic of her at a resturant. i told him not to tell me.

I accepted she is probably with this guy, but i dont want to hear if she is happy. it sounds terrible but i dont want to hear it.

I didnt open much to my cm, because I dont trust much people these days. But we followed each other on instagram, and she shared a lot of personal stuff with me as well. we also joked and had a good time before our next classes.

throughout the day i was anxious i shared too much with her, but she ended up adding me on snapchat around 1am. so i guess we are good friends now. plus in class we a have group of 3 for a project and our professor made us break into 2 people for another project and she tried having our professor put us together and she found me another partner.

but yes this occured last week, today we hung out again after class for a bit. she seems cool and i doubt she would tell my ex things but i am of course being weary and not mentioning her anymore. I am heartbroken my ex would tell other people about the email i sent her. it was supposed to be a final goodbye and thankful email i worked so hard on and even had all your opinions on.

Sorry if i went off on a tangent, I like talking to you all. people my age dont seem to give good insight.

[Radcliff]

CW, I'm thinking I'm glad I went to school in the days before cell phones and SnapChat.  Oh, so far before those days ;)

It's nice that you got some validation from your classmate, though perhaps try to let that topic fade and concentrate on non-ex topics with her in the future.  It sounds like you're making progress, being able to look away from her instead of feeling like you have to go up to her.

Healing takes time.  Progress isn't steady; you may backslide, then have a jump forward.  You are on the right track. 

WW

[CryWolf]

Thank you WW!

And yes social media today is a burden and a gift. Also I think it explains why a lot of people my age are on antidepressants, mood stabilizers, etc. it’s sad.

Today we hung out and my ex wasn’t mentioned. Plus I think it’s good I don’t show I’m affected by her still. This is a huge step for me. Because typically anyone that knows my ex or of her I would vent my heart out. Today we hung out and was just fun. We made plans for up in the air about future events as well but we’ll see.

So far the semester is going great, besides my anatomy class kicking my butt. I missed my ex again today maybe because I saw her. But when these feelings come. I just ask why. And let it run it’s course. I miss the good and the good ideas.

[Turkish]

When Wentworth and I were in school,  only rich people had cell phones and the Internet was not long out of the control of DARPA.

Socially, I felt it was like a quantum leap from high school to college; then again, another going into my career,  which opened me up into meeting yet another cohort. I'd give (grace) yourself time,  CW. There are so many women out there to get to know. 

[CryWolf]

There are so many women out there to get to know. 

Very true, but for once in my life. I dont feel the need to chase anyone, or pursue or be in a relationship. I am finding peace being single and it feels amazing. Although, i have the moments of wanting to date and court and be romantically involved. I think whats possibly best for me right now is my education and career. I spent too much time putting other girls first that maybe I should put that same energy into myself.

Hopefully the right one comes along and its effortless. (something that has never happened yet)

[Radcliff]

Now is a great time to invest in yourself!  That is a wise observation.

Umm... .about effortless   From what I've heard about normal relationships, they're still a fair bit of work   I'm certain I must have recommended Gottman's, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.  It's a must read for a guy your age.  Ignore the "marriage" part for now.  It's good for any relationships.

WW

[CryWolf]

You have recommended! I need to start reading books for fun again. I buy books but YouTube consumes my other time  

[once removed]

you can be single for ten years and still carry the same baggage into the next relationship if you dont invest in fully grieving, resolving, and healing.

i had a not unsimilar story when i was in high school. ill be as brief as i can be, but i think there are some good take aways, some similar lessons.

there was a gal i chased near the end of my freshman year, who more or less liked me, but i could never quite attract. she liked my emotionally unavailable friend who would speak horribly of her, and then sleep with her. she did and does have BPD traits (we are actually very good friends today). we remained friends, and by the next year, i was disenchanted, and by the time i was, she came on very strong, and pretty quickly she was my girlfriend, my first serious one in high school, first high school kiss, the whole nine yards.

i overlooked (and was attracted to) the sob stories, how every guy in her past was a stalker, how vengeful she could be, but ill give myself a pass, i was 15  

early on in our relationship, she told me we should drop the officiality, that it complicated things for her, and i was all for it, i just wanted to be with her at any cost. the dynamic was mostly that when i was tired of her  , shed pursue, and i picked up on that. for being in high school, it was better than the really heavy deep, needy, totally engulfing stuff i did, but please understand all of thats elementary stuff.

fast forward to when she went cold on me, and slept with another guy at a party. all i really cared about was whether she still wanted to be with me or not. she wasnt sure. a few days later, she was telling me about how she came to her senses, how this guy was bad news, how he was stalking her, and she wanted to be with me. some time later (a while after we broke up) i would learn that he felt really badly about what happened at the party, that she pursued him really hard, and that he wanted nothing to do with her. figures  

but it wasnt too long after that that she found somebody else. this time i had to find out about it second hand. she just went cold on me, and totally disappeared (i dont think the term "ghosted" was popular at the time, but i remember writing in my journal that it felt that way). i can still remember how many phone calls i placed trying to reach her. i can still remember waiting for the bell to ring, positioning myself by the classroom door, and running out to try to run into her at the place where we used to meet up between classes; she was taking another way, i guess.

my memory gets a little blurry here, but things went south between us. i started trying to get my things back. i remember approaching her in the lunch line, and she starts screaming, at the top of her lungs "QUIT STALKING ME. QUIT. STALKING ME!". i still gotta give it to her god bless her, how does one handle that? turns out someone was also telling her about how i was positioning myself at the classroom door. that was embarrassing.

meanwhile, she was, with a friend, driving by my house and honking. she posted a picture with a photo of me taped to it on a pillar in the cafeteria, making fun of my nose, and she sicked her friends on me. and i was the stalker  

the honest truth is that at 15-16 years old, this really messed with my mind. we were very close. she was one of my best friends. she was my first serious high school girlfriend (if you can reasonably call it that), and what we had shared meant a lot to me. here she was treating me like her worst enemy. in my mind, i had to both mourn her, and hate her at the same time. my way of moving on was to find someone else, carry out and replay that same baggage and attempt to heal through it. after a couple more disastrous, heartbreaking relationships, i remained single for three years, and then i got with the ex i refer to regularly here.

buddy. theres a better way.

dont hate her. she was your first, and thats so significant. you will learn lessons from it for years to come. some of it you will cherish. some of it will make you shake your head and cringe. dont idealize her. there will be many more. dont pursue her or approach her. maybe it feeds her ego, but its really not self respectful. approaching and reapproaching someone that has given you the cold shoulder isnt stalking, but its the quickest way to serve yourself a cold helping of rejection. you dont want it to be screamed at you in public... .half my life later i still dont know how to deal with that  . dont date in order to get over her or find someone better, or to heal. do it (when youre ready) in order to get to know a person you like.

grieve. cry. mourn. for as long as it takes. be gentle with, and love yourself through the process. rise above the "stalker" drama and dont feed into it. then learn the lessons, the toughest ones. a first love and its loss can create deep, long lasting wounds, but with good "bandaging" we dont have to carry them. they can heal, and make us stronger. and maybe, just maybe, youll go to her halloween party in ten years and laugh about it all.

"and as you climb up to the roof, youre just chillin, you look down and youre so over em, you can put the heel of your foot through the ceiling".

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uKdYs6xhnhU

[Cromwell]

my cm told me, "yea she mentioned you and the other guy throughout the semester, and how she has these guys chasing her, etc and stalking her" and i said "wow, i cant believe she told everyone about the email" she said "yea your the email guy she told us about.  she would randomly mention you or this other guy but she didnt really give names"

it makes sense, her ex's friend at a party told me he dropped roses off to her months ago but i thought he mistook the timeline for a long time ago, but i guess he still has been trying to get with her. and she probably gets off on it.

The messed up part, when me and her were dating she would give his belongings back, but with mine she wont. its like she has leverage and knows i will continue to contact her for it. but i have only asked once.

my cm told me "dont worry, she seemed like a   and whenever in class she wouldnt have her way she would have anger tantrums" and i said "yup sounds like her"

and we both just talked about previous rs and she promised me not to tell my ex anything, and i said 'we dont even talk, i figured u guys would still be friends" and she said "no, but if u guys get together i dont want to be involved with her"
I told her, how her classmates used to stare at me in hallways and make me feel super uncomfortable last semester. Like people knew me and i had no idea who they were or what she was saying about me.  

and i said "i thought that guy in ur class was dating her? they took pics, and he was in my class and i used to follow him but i saw pics of my ex and blocked him"

she said, "oh that day? no that was a friend/group day but i didnt go and i dont think they are dating"

then a few days later, my other friend who follows that guy on snapchat told me he saw his snapchat with a pic of her at a resturant. i told him not to tell me.

I accepted she is probably with this guy, but i dont want to hear if she is happy. it sounds terrible but i dont want to hear it.

I didnt open much to my cm, because I dont trust much people these days. But we followed each other on instagram, and she shared a lot of personal stuff with me as well. we also joked and had a good time before our next classes.

throughout the day i was anxious i shared too much with her, but she ended up adding me on snapchat around 1am. so i guess we are good friends now. plus in class we a have group of 3 for a project and our professor made us break into 2 people for another project and she tried having our professor put us together and she found me another partner.

but yes this occured last week, today we hung out again after class for a bit. she seems cool and i doubt she would tell my ex things but i am of course being weary and not mentioning her anymore. I am heartbroken my ex would tell other people about the email i sent her. it was supposed to be a final goodbye and thankful email i worked so hard on and even had all your opinions on.

Just trying to balance up in my mind the benefits of talking about her at all to anyone you dont fully trust and how that can cause anxiety.

It helped me to an extent that I made a fresh new circle of friends and id lightly sometimes mention my ex, it was a problem shared a problem halved approach. It worked because they werent in anyway connected.

Yet your ex is in your college, attention seeking, baiting for any sort of evidence she can leverage to show that "look at me, the victim of all these stalker guys" the implication being that she must be so hot and unique above her peers on desirability that guys cant just avoid chasing her.

I really urge you to find only people you can trust entirely that nothing you talk about her gets twisted back. "promises" are not good enough, the mere fact that a promise was made when it should already be taken as a given that nothing would be talked about anyway, for me is a concern - is it a friendly superflous reassurance that what you say is going to be kept privvy or is it a means to open you up to divulge more.

We all need a trusted ear, college was a sanctuary for me, I cant imagine the strength you have to put up with facing her and simultaneously moving on - I understand - but if I was in your position I would be careful who to trust, it sounds like your unsure and uncomfortable about sharing your thoughts but find some relief in doing so. Its gambling though, we need listening ears, but trusted, impartial ones not anyone who has the potential, unwittingly or not, to say something where mountains get made out of mole hills. Even if it gets back that you have been speaking about her, regardless of the context, feeds more strength to whatever (and do you know everything?) she may or may not be saying about how you just wont leave her alone and move on; the archetypal villain of shunned romance. The spurned guy who wont give up. This is the typecast role she is trying to portray, ignore the script and dont play along is the way to fade this away.

Please break out of the stage drama and let it fade down, concentrate on your life and be careful who you trust in a time of being still emotionally vulnerable and needy for support.

If it causes you any anxiety that your talking about her, the solution is; stop doing it.

[Cat Familiar]

Yet your ex is in your college, attention seeking, baiting for any sort of evidence she can leverage to show that "look at me, the victim of all these stalker guys" the implication being that she must be so hot and unique above her peers on desirability that guys cant just avoid chasing her.

Cromwell really nails it here! I thought it might be helpful to add a female perspective to this conversation. Both you, CryWolf and once removed, got ensnared by a "man-eater."

I ran into a few of this type of women, who treated men as disposable. To other women, these types look really needy, often trashy, and ultimately lost--even though to men they can appear worldly, sexy and desirable.

Lots of women keep these man-eaters at a distance because we know that our boyfriends are not safe from being another head on their wall. (I experienced that with one of them--she was sneaking around with my BF and I didn't realize it until I was with him, in her living room, talking with some of her roommates and I happened to have a perspective where I could see down the hall. She came out of the shower, made alluring eye contact with my BF, who was sitting closer to the hallway, and "accidentally" dropped her towel. She had no idea that I saw the entire spectacle. But I knew then what was going on.)

She and others of her ilk collected men like charms on a charm bracelet. Often, when they were in between boyfriends, they would hook up with one of the formerly discarded charms, who couldn't believe his good fortune.

I know it hurts, CryWolf, and perhaps I'm being too dismissive of her, but it seems as though she fits the pattern I've seen before. And your classmate basically said she doesn't want to be involved if you get back together with her. That tells you a lot.