Interesting session with my T today

[Our abuse recovery guide]

I’ve been more of a poster than a member that replies to other’s posts for a while. I was an amby on detaching for a while, but relinquished that because I didn’t feel that I was filling the role the way I should. I started having trouble finding my place and trying to guide and give helpful advice.

Anyway, I think my T is excellent. She is most definitely walking me through my childhood trauma. As I describe things to her, she can help me see how I’ve been conditioned to do what I do, think what I think and feel what I feel. It’s not necessarily a happy realization, but it’s becoming very interesting and intriguing on how molded I am by my parents.

So much of what I’ve read has been the narrative that the Son is seeking his mother in these relationships. After a conversation, my T suggested that I was my mother, and that S3’s mother is my father in all of this. I had never looked at it from this angle, but it’s pretty accurate after being discussed.

It would take a day and a week to type it all, but she showed me a side that I hadn’t conceived looking at. I hadn’t a clue.

The sessions are becoming more intense now. I welcome it. She switched from the C-PTSD Workbook to a book that utilizes EMDR today. I don’t recall the name. The title is about our past.

She had me perform an exercise that caused physical sensations throughout my body.

Trauma is real. Somewhere along the way, certain, very smart people have begun to take interest in it, and pull it out of people that have been affected by it.
My latest trauma is that I keep hitting “M” instead of “Return” on my smartphone.

Anyway, I felt like I went through a role reversal in therapy. My T is right. I was layed out for me in a way that is indisputable. My looking glass was skewed.

[JNChell]

I’ve been more of a poster than a member that replies to other’s posts for a while. I was an amby on detaching for a while, but relinquished that because I didn’t feel that I was filling the role the way I should. I started having trouble finding my place and trying to guide and give helpful advice.

Anyway, I think my T is excellent. She is most definitely walking me through my childhood trauma. As I describe things to her, she can help me see how I’ve been conditioned to do what I do, think what I think and feel what I feel. It’s not necessarily a happy realization, but it’s becoming very interesting and intriguing on how molded I am by my parents.

So much of what I’ve read has been the narrative that the Son is seeking his mother in these relationships. After a conversation, my T suggested that I was my mother, and that S3’s mother is my father in all of this. I had never looked at it from this angle, but it’s pretty accurate after being discussed.

It would take a day and a week to type it all, but she showed me a side that I hadn’t conceived looking at. I hadn’t a clue.

The sessions are becoming more intense now. I welcome it. She switched from the C-PTSD Workbook to a book that utilizes EMDR today. I don’t recall the name. The title is about our past.

She had me perform an exercise that caused physical sensations throughout my body.

Trauma is real. Somewhere along the way, certain, very smart people have begun to take interest in it, and pull it out of people that have been affected by it.
My latest trauma is that I keep hitting “M” instead of “Return” on my smartphone.

Anyway, I felt like I went through a role reversal in therapy. My T is right. I was layed out for me in a way that is indisputable. My looking glass was skewed.

[Turkish]

After a conversation, my T suggested that I was my mother, and that S3’s mother is my father in all of this. I had never looked at it from this angle, but it’s pretty accurate after being discussed.

This is interesting.  Can you describe this dynamic and how you feel about it?

[Learning2Thrive]

I’ve been more of a poster than a member that replies to other’s posts for a while. I was an amby on detaching for a while, but relinquished that because I didn’t feel that I was filling the role the way I should. I started having trouble finding my place and trying to guide and give helpful advice.

I’ve reada lot of what you’ve shared, JNChell. Both here and on the other boards though I don’t post on the other boards very often. You have good insights and what you’ve shared has always been helpful to me.

Anyway, I think my T is excellent. She is most definitely walking me through my childhood trauma. As I describe things to her, she can help me see how I’ve been conditioned to do what I do, think what I think and feel what I feel. It’s not necessarily a happy realization, but it’s becoming very interesting and intriguing on how molded I am by my parents.

It sounds like you’ve found an excellent T that you trust. That is so important. She’s helping you see things differently and it’s increasing your perspective. This is so good. We can’t really fix things unless we understand what’s the root of it, right? I agree with you that these realizations that come up (whether in T or elsewhere) aren’t often happy ones, but youare showing awesome courage facing them. 

So much of what I’ve read has been the narrative that the Son is seeking his mother in these relationships. After a conversation, my T suggested that I was my mother, and that S3’s mother is my father in all of this. I had never looked at it from this angle, but it’s pretty accurate after being discussed.

Like Turkish, this caught my eye and I wondered how this makes you feel? I have noticed similar sorts of patterns in my life (not at even close to the same levels, but similar patterns nonetheless).  It was painfully eye opening for me, but a huge catalyst for change and growth.

It would take a day and a week to type it all, but she showed me a side that I hadn’t conceived looking at. I hadn’t a clue.

Nodding in compassion and understanding. But know that we are here to listen whenever and whatever you want to share. That’s how we help each other.

The sessions are becoming more intense now. I welcome it. She switched from the C-PTSD Workbook to a book that utilizes EMDR today. I don’t recall the name. The title is about our past.

There’s that courage again. Yay you! I’m interested to learn the name of the book if it comes to mind at some point.

She had me perform an exercise that caused physical sensations throughout my body.

Trauma is real. Somewhere along the way, certain, very smart people have begun to take interest in it, and pull it out of people that have been affected by it.
My latest trauma is that I keep hitting “M” instead of “Return” on my smartphone.  

Anyway, I felt like I went through a role reversal in therapy. My T is right. I was layed out for me in a way that is indisputable. My looking glass was skewed.

This is fascinating. You’ve given me a few things to think about. Do you know why the “M” instead of “Return”? Is “M” representational of something or someone?

Thank you for sharing your experience, JNChell. I’m sending you lots of smiles, compassionate hugs and positive energy today. You are awesome and so worthy of love and goodness in your life. 

  L2T

[Sirnut]

Your post puts me in mind of something I read a while ago by the Christian author Dorothy Sayers.

I forget exactly where I read it but, reflecting on the biblical story of Cain and Abel, she made the observation that at bottom we are all Cain and all Abel. That is, we are all victims of wrongdoing and we are also all perpetrators, in ways that are influenced by the things that have happened to us. That’s why we need grace and wisdom to break the cycle.

It’s also why we should be careful in judging those who hurt us, because they’ve been victims too in ways that we can’t fully know. For example our parents might have hurt us, but it’s easy to forget that they in turn may have been damaged themselves. It sounds as though you are exploring some of these things.

No particular insights to offer on any of this, but thanks for your posts over these recent times - I’ve found them a source of wisdom and encouragement.

[JNChell]

This is interesting.  Can you describe this dynamic and how you feel about it?

Hi Turkish. It was interesting to me too. My mom put up with decades of crap from my dad. Down to her dying day. He contributed very little to the household outside of material things. He couldn’t cook the simplest meal, do laundry, wouldn’t help with the dishes, etc. He contributed zero to the household chores. He dictated them. He always got his way whether it was through subtle manipulations, or a perceived (he was a coward) iron fist. He was unkind to my mom. Demanding and demeaning. Constantly talked about other women and had a porn addiction that he didn’t hide. Ironically, I learned about the birds and the bees in that way. He was a bonafide a**hole. A selfish child.

My mom was hard working. I can’t remember her ever missing work, and she took on a night job after the man-child had open heart surgery. I understand the severity of having his chest cracked open, but he milked his recovery for a year and a half. He worked in skilled trades for on of the Big 3 auto manufacturers, so he was union protected and still drawing a decent check. Anyway, back to mom. I know now that she was overwhelmed with responsibility in our household. The full weight was on her shoulders. Aside from extreme abuse by both of them, Dad was the fun one while mom ran the “business”. She was stressed to the gills, looking back. It’s not hard to recognize that this played a huge part in her behavior, but her behavior was present as far back as I can remember.

Sorry this is so long winded. I’m trying to condense it while explaining properly. S3’s mom and I had a similar dynamic. It basically came down to her contributing nothing to the household. When it all started, after S3 was born and I had put myself into some big time debt in relation to my income, our house became a trash can. Literal trash strewn throughout the house. I was working a 12 hour night shift at the time. It became too much, and I began to voice my feelings. That’s where our downward spiral began. I spoke up. She eventually wouldn’t bathe or change clothes for days. The dream house/property in the country that I had went in debt for was quickly becoming a dump. Her D5 at the time, our infant Son and myself were living in a house that literally had trash on the floor. I tried my best for as long as I could to keep up with the house, including my work schedule at the time. I couldn’t do it.

I was extremely proud when I felt like I had gotten everything in place after we became pregnant. A house on a beautiful piece of land with a big kidney shaped pond. Wildlife. Room for the kids to run and explore. I financed several things. I was settling in to settling down. I was a new dad. I was so wrong. I put in a lot of effort with her. It was continuously crapped on. Sometimes overtly, sometimes subtley. The subtleties were the most frequent. I feel like I was systematically broken down until she truly reached my core.

I feel okay about this realization. It was eye opening. I feel that it put me back in my place as far as what I think I know throughout this process. It reminds me to do my best to keep an open mind, even when it comes to very personal things that I think that I have nailed down.

[JNChell]

L2T & Sirnut, I will be back here to respond to your messages tomorrow evening. Thank you for reaching out.

[JNChell]

Just need a minute to think about your guy’s responses. L2T, the book is “Getting Past Your Past”. My T told me that it’s a book on EMDR that is geared towards the general public.

[Learning2Thrive]

Just need a minute to think about your guy’s responses. L2T, the book is “Getting Past Your Past”. My T told me that it’s a book on EMDR that is geared towards the general public.

Thanks for this. Adding it to my list.
  L2T

[JNChell]

L2T

We can’t really fix things unless we understand what’s the root of it, right?

Yes! You are so right about this. I wish my that my Son’s mother could see this. I wish that my dead parents could’ve.

Do you know why the “M” instead of “Return”? Is “M” representational of something or someone?

   No. the letter “M” is directly above “Return” on my phone. I was trying to type fast and kept hitting “M”. My failed attempt at digital humor. 

Thank you for sharing your experience, JNChell. I’m sending you lots of smiles, compassionate hugs and positive energy today. You are awesome and so worthy of love and goodness in your life.  Virtual hug (click to insert in post)

Thank you for always being here. You’re consistent. That’s something many of us never had. You put a lot of work in here. It’s appreciated. Thank you.

[JNChell]

Sirnut, thank you for this insight.

we are all victims of wrongdoing and we are also all perpetrators, in ways that are influenced by the things that have happened to us.

For sake of the conversation, I feel that this is a little vague when it comes to child abuse. I was not a perpetrator. I was a child. I’ll leave that here.

That’s why we need grace and wisdom to break the cycle.

Yes. This is true. I believe that wisdom is the trumping aspect here. That’s my own personal opinion.

It’s also why we should be careful in judging those who hurt us, because they’ve been victims too in ways that we can’t fully know. For example our parents might have hurt us, but it’s easy to forget that they in turn may have been damaged themselves. It sounds as though you are exploring some of these things.

I am exploring some of these things. A realization that I’ve come to is that the cycle can be broken at any time by choice. I do hold a small amount of empathy for my parents, but the scales are tipped because of them, not me. I’m talking parent/child... .child.

I know a little about their childhoods. Enough to know that they were also damaged. But, the choice.

We fully know what they went through, and worse, because it was projected onto us.

No particular insights to offer on any of this, but thanks for your posts over these recent times - I’ve found them a source of wisdom and encouragement.

Thank you so much for that feedback.

So... .you’re checking out the PSI board. Any insight thus far?

[Learning2Thrive]

Do you know why the “M” instead of “Return”? Is “M” representational of something or someone?[/b]

   No. the letter “M” is directly above “Return” on my phone. I was trying to type fast and kept hitting “M”. My failed attempt at digital humor.  

Nope! No failure on your part. T’was mine alone. But I have a valid reason, so I’m not beating myself up. You see... .I am often accused of being too literal. Sorry. In absence of the certainty of humorous intent, I default to literal translation. I think this has a lot to do with not being believed when I was a kid, on the few occasions I shared things with others (SOoo many years ago). After a certain point, I decided I would default to literal belief. Easier to apologize for taking things too literally than cure the pain that disbelief causes.  

Thank you for always being here. You’re consistent. That’s something many of us never had. You put a lot of work in here. It’s appreciated. Thank you.

JNChell, you have no idea what a huge compliment and positive validation you just gave me. My mother was the QUEEN OF INCONSISTENCY. *sigh*

Hang in there, little brother (by little I mean much younger, of course!). I’m gonna be cheering you on until we are both healed. And after. That’s what loving family does.

  L2T

[JNChell]

Good morning, L2T! I hope you’ve been having a nice weekend.

Nope! No failure on your part. T’was mine alone. But I have a valid reason, so I’m not beating myself up. You see... .I am often accused of being too literal. Sorry. In absence of the certainty of humorous intent, I default to literal translation. I think this has a lot to do with not being believed when I was a kid, on the few occasions I shared things with others (SOoo many years ago). After a certain point, I decided I would default to literal belief. Easier to apologize for taking things too literally than cure the pain that disbelief causes.  Virtual hug (click to insert in post)

I’m sorry that you weren’t believed as a child. I understand how that feels.  A phrase that my mom CONSTANTLY used with me was “I don’t trust you!” I remember it being said as far back as my memory can currently travel. I believe it was a projection, and I hope that you know that it was a projection onto you as well and that you didn’t deserve that crap. Bullies pick on what they perceive to be weaker than themselves. What typically happens to bullies?

I was in sixth grade at the time of this incident. Being at that age, the storm at home was full on. At school, it was my turn for most of the class to turn on me. It was quite overwhelming when combined with my home life. Anyway, it climaxed one day. I had Elmur’s glue poured in my hair, and a student took the pencil sharpener dispenser and dumped it on my head. I just sat at my desk and cried. Eventually another student came up and punched me in the side of my head. He was coerced by the other students. That’s when I snapped. I plowed through the desks like they weren’t even there to get to him. He saw my rage. I can still remember the look in his eyes. He was afraid, but I worked him over pretty bad from a sixth grader POV. When it was over, the class was silent. I was in a defensive mode looking at them and waiting for the next attacker.

I wasn’t bullied again. I wasn’t punished by the principal, in fact he cleaned my hair out the best he could. Also, luckily, the incident wasn’t reported to my parents. Perhaps he had a feeling.

Sorry I went off on this tangent. As memories come up I find it helpful to verse them out. A kind of release I suppose.

L2T, I believe you, and I believe in you as do many other folks here. You are a special, unique and individual person in this world. Your contributions have been paramount in the helping of others. You beat the odds because you’re here helping others, and are not a topic of another poster. Do you realize how close we came to being a “topic” here? RA says we didn’t.

Much love sent your way, L2T!  Do something nice for yourself today.

[Learning2Thrive]

JNChell wrote:

Sorry I went off on this tangent. As memories come up I find it helpful to verse them out. A kind of release I suppose.

Please... .never be sorry about this.

Your tangents help me more than you realize.  

I’m so sorry about the glue incident. I’m glad the principal didn’t punish you. Hopefully it opened his eyes to the deeper issues for consideration... .for you and future students.

I worked all day today. That’s what I do. Long time problem solving and soothing method. No worries tho. I’m off tomorrow and planning a 20 mile road bike ride in the morning with a very dear friend. She’s good people, as you say.  

I hope you have something marvelous on your Monday agenda too!

  L2T