Feel like I'm the one with issues. I became co-dependent

[Bungled]

I don't know if I am the only one that feels this way.  I spend most of my 16 year marriage and 17 year relationship with my stbx chasing the first feeling of elation.  I talked to my mom last night and she told me how difficult I seemed at times during my marriage.  Before we married I fell into depression.  I know it had to do with the initial feelings starting to fade.  I loved those feelings.  I left a great job during this time.  I found a job just to make ends meet.  I know I did this because I wanted to be around her more.  We then got married.  4 months after we got married we found out we were having a baby.  Our daughter was born on my birthday.  Man, did I feel pressure to find a good job and take care of my family, however I didn't want to be away from them.  I decided I would go back to school and get a degree in education.  I could then take my daughter with me when I got a job teaching when she was ready for school.  In reality I didn't want to be a teacher. I just wanted my family and to be near them.

The more I think about what my mom told me, the more I realize I got lost in depression and codependency.  I was chasing that feeling.  I felt so much pressure to keep my family intact. During my time in school, my stbx would be hot and cold. She would be excited about me getting my degree then at other times seem frustrated about the lack of money we had. She loves to spend money by the way.  She has a major spending problem.  Well, once I graduated the teaching jobs didn't come.  I wonder if some had to do with my depression, and the doubts I had in myself.  Well I kept trying to take care of my family and struggled and finally had a breakdown.  I was hospitalized for a week with a nervous breakdown.  I should have seen it then when my stbx barely showed up to support me.  She would visit but wouldn't go to counseling sessions.  I was diagnosed as being depressed.  Less than 8 months later my wife decided it was over.  She moved out for four years and said she was filing for divorce but never did.  She moved back after those four years and lived with me and our daughter for 3 more years until now.  She just split on me and said it was over.

These last seven years have been tough.  There was no intimacy, but I still held on to the hope of what was at the beginning.  I am/was a major codependent.  She took total advantage of that.  The one thing that keeps me from thinking I am not totally wrong about her is that during those four years she moved out.  She had her parents paying her rent in her apartment during this time.  She told them she was going back to school and getting her degree.  She did go to school some during this time.  The odd part is that she told her parents that she did get her degree in Social Work. It turns out her mom gave her thousand upon thousands of dollars to pay for her school and my stbx only has about one and a half years of school complete. 

This has made me look back at our marriage and try to find other things I totally overlooked that show me what I was dealing with.  I realized that when I tried to communicate what I wanted with my stbx I got the "silent treatment" and we never communicated about the future.  She never wanted to talk about what she wanted because she felt it would scare me off.  I now think my depression was caused by living in limbo.  I didn't know what she wanted so I was throwing darts so to speak at what to do for my family.  We never talked about our future we both were just chasing that feeling.

I don't know what is going on.  I don't really know if my stbx has BPD or not but it feels like it.  Her mother does and there is a history of abuse in my stbx's life as well. 

I will share more as it comes to me. 

Thank you all for your support.  This is such a hard time for me as we I am just getting the divorce set up and underway.  I am also getting our daughter in counseling. 

[pearlsw]

Hi Bungled,

I am sorry to hear about all you have been experiencing! 

When you say you were chasing a certain feeling do you mean those really nice feelings at the start of a relationship? That giddiness, that high, feeling you have made a super special connection with someone?  Those are indeed wonderful feelings!

It sounds like you put quite a lot into your relationship and have taken it very seriously and put a lot into it. That is to be admired!

Are you doing things now to deal with these issues of codependency?

warmly, pearl.

[Bungled]

Hi Bungled,

I am sorry to hear about all you have been experiencing! 

When you say you were chasing a certain feeling do you mean those really nice feelings at the start of a relationship? That giddiness, that high, feeling you have made a super special connection with someone?  Those are indeed wonderful feelings!

It sounds like you put quite a lot into your relationship and have taken it very seriously and put a lot into it. That is to be admired!

Are you doing things now to deal with these issues of codependency?

warmly, pearl.

I am getting help for my daughter and me.

Yes, I kept wanting to get that elated feeling back. There were times her and I came close to getting that feeling again, at least I thought. We never talked about a future so I never knew where we stood so I was just throwing darts to make her happy and get that feeling. I've realized a lot of what I did that made me codependent. I wanted to be be her white knight. I wanted to be the one guy that never left her. The guy that stopped the cycle of hurt she told me she had been through. I guess I came close. I was her longest relationship to date. We got married and had a daughter. I thought I'd become that guy. I now realize until she sees her problem no one can save her.

[MeandThee29]

Yes, I'm there. Mine has been gone for a year. I was in counselling weekly for quite awhile, and we brushed on codependency but didn't dwell there. I had plenty of other issues, LOL.

I recently joined a faith-based 12-step group though, and I'm seeing just how many areas where codependency came to play. As an example, I got to the point that I couldn't articulate my needs. Everything was focused on his needs. That's ironic because he left because supposedly I wasn't meeting his needs. I was responsible for his happiness, and I failed. More like I couldn't humanly meet all of his needs. I had to be 24/7 "on duty" with him. There was little me left.

I'm starting a step study in three weeks with three other women, and I expect that it will be eye-opening. Ironically it's at the house of our wedding photograph from 26 years ago. I'm also broke and can't afford counselling at this point, so this is a good, inexpensive way to work on other aspects.

[Mutt]

Hi Bungled,



I’m sorry to hear that. I can see how devastating that would when your pwBPD leaves you and gives you false hope - that’s tough.

Is your daughter 17? You said that you’re trying to get help for her. How is the r/s between her and mom?

[Bungled]

Hi Bungled,



I’m sorry to hear that. I can see how devastating that would when your pwBPD leaves you and gives you false hope - that’s tough.

Is your daughter 17? You said that you’re trying to get help for her. How is the r/s between her and mom?

Our daughter is 14 almost 15.  My stbx has a "fun" relationship with her mom. Her mom is the Disneyland mom. She treats our daughter like an 8 year old. Coddles her and babies her. Seems to want to keep her in a state of always needing her mommy. I'm trying to stop the trend since my stbz's mom also has BPD.

[Mutt]

Have you drafted a parenting order? Have you sorted out custody?

[Bungled]

Have you drafted a parenting order? Have you sorted out custody?

She has already signed an agreement for me to primary conservator. That is full legal and physical custody in my state. She'll have visitation rights. She willingly did this. Her main concern was if I was going to make her pay child support. I make more than her so I told her I wouldn't.