Feeling sure about things, but having dark feelings

[JNChell]

I’m realizing and accepting a lot, the initial acknowledgment is great! But sitting with it sucks. I get pissed about my childhood and why I found this forum. Not outwardly pissed, but pissed the f off inwardly.

We shouldn’t have to be here. I understand that the past can’t be undone. No redo’s. But, why? Is there a higher power? If there is, why are some people being treated/tested in this way? Is it simply black and white, or is there a biblical reason. I’m not versed on the Bible. I was raised RC. I am currently questioning faith and god after being a non-believer for most of my life.

[Harri]

Hi JNChell.  I am finally coming out the other side of this existential crisis thing.  It is tough.  The only advice I have to to keep going though.  Hang on and just keep going through.  Asking questions, feeling angry and hurt and even rage is normal and okay and you will come through this.  

For the longest time I had clung to an illusion that made my past okay.  It gave me purpose and meaning until I lost it.  It hurt and there were so many dark days.  Coming here and going to therapy and just repeating to myself that this was part of the process and normal is what got me through.  It was a long time though.  

I was raised RC too but have never been religious really.  I was involved in a pentecostal church for a while and learned a lot there but I hold no affiliation now.  I do consider myself spiritual and I do believe in God and in Jesus.  

I don't think the struggles come from God or even from the devil.  i think man has a lot to do with our own suffering.  I don't think God tests us, like Job was tested.  I am not sure how it all works though and I know there are others far better versed in religion, the bible and spirituality.  I tend towards the more simple.

One thing I have come to know is that God is not in the act.  He is in the response.

Questioning all of this is a good sign in my eyes.  Just keep with it. trusting there is an end and you will get through it.

[Learning2Thrive]

Hey JNChell 

I’ve got the dark feelings too. Questioning everything... .For myself, this is after being a Christian believer virtually all my life.

Looking back through it all, I see how religion has been used to manipulate me and so many others. I don’t think God had anything to do with that. Those manipulators were wolves in sheeps’ clothing rounding up the herd for slaughter. And slaughter they did... .while they reminded us we must forgive, and give them even more.

So... .yeah... .dark places... .

  L2T

[Learning2Thrive]

So... .JNChell,

When you’re feeling the dark feelings, what do you do?

I have always had difficulty sitting quietly with my feelings—especially those regarding childhood abuses. I stuffed them down for so many years. That coping mechanism is not working for me anymore, but I am terrified of being sucked into festering bitterness or self pity which would only further rob me of joy in my life.

I’ve purchased a couple composition books to start journaling but haven’t been able to bring myself to start. Flashbacks to childhood and snooping mother finding my diary and resulting physical and emotional punishment.  I have a few fiber/mixed media art ideas but I fear the judgment that may be passed by anyone who views it — mainly from my H and our youngest son, 17, who still lives at home. Yet, the urge to get some of this stuff out is increasing at an uncomfortable rate. I guess I need to tap into a deeper level of courage and free falling.

I’m curious what strategies you are using.

  L2T

[JNChell]

Hi, Harri. Thank you for responding.

keep going though.

I am and will. An interesting thing that I read about c-ptsd peeps, is that the recovery process becomes so overwhelming that they see no end in sight and abandon the help. They see no end to their pain, so they quit. It’s saddening. It’s the same aspect as when we were children. I can remember how hypersensitive my attention was. I didn’t have enough mental space to support any lasting thoughts about the future and the hope that might reside there. I was stuck in a perpetual sense of fight or flight . Sad, but also interesting.

A trauma specialist is a must. This comment is meant for the lurkers. If you’re reading this and have been feeling confused or possibly tormented by the feelings from your childhood, I strongly suggest seeking out a trauma specialist. A PhD psychologist.  This is only my honest opinion, but the therapist that I see is priceless. She is guiding me through my trauma, pointing out my distorted thoughts, helping me to place those thoughts, blame and shame in their proper place and helping me learn to validate myself for doing so. It does get intense, but after each intense session, another weight is lifted.

For the longest time I had clung to an illusion that made my past okay.

I was the same way. I was in impeccable shape, had confidence, and looking back, I somewhat attracted healthy people into my life. This was my 20’s. My feelings and trauma were stuffed. Life’s real responsibilities hadn’t yet showed up at my doorstep. When adult life started to get real, so did I. What was enveloped in me slowly came to be. As I’m typing this, I’m understanding more that it had manifested itself through my intimate relationships. It makes sense now. How could our relationships/dynamics with our parents not dictate what we were drawn to and what was drawn to us? In sitting with it, it makes total sense.

I do consider myself spiritual and I do believe in God and in Jesus.

It’s good that you have this. I have been lightly touching on the topic with my best friend who believes. My instincts tell me that there is a higher power. It just feels right, I think. I have always questioned the Bible because it was written by humans. It has been edited. I can’t say more than that about it because I haven’t read it yet. I can’t decide on a version. I have viewed Jesus as a moral template for human behavior. Look what happened to him for being a person of high moral character. I also wonder if this is merely a fable that was set forth to be an example for why humanity needs to keep their morality in check so that the powers that be can remain to be just that. The church holds a lot of power. Tax free with a “message”. My friend’s advice was that his religion was personal to him. He doesn’t attend a church, it’s in his heart. His heart is good so I know his message is genuine.

i think man has a lot to do with our own suffering.

I tend towards the more simple.

I agree with you 100% on this. What do we preach here? We only have control over ourselves. This is a fact. I don’t want to take this down a political path, but the overreach of control onto society is, IMHO, pretty overwhelming if you stand back and observe it. We know how it feels to be controlled. I feel like humanity has become standardized. We’re not viewed as individuals through the 3 branches of government. It’s not a collective.

I try to keep it simple as well. It’s just easier and it makes sense to me, for me. I only have a TV for S3 so he can have some cartoon time, and the occasional movie for me. No programming. I tend towards chores, guitar and books... .and bpdfamily.

One thing I have come to know is that God is not in the act.  He is in the response.

Harri, I can’t tell you enough on how glad I am that you provided this statement in your post. I’ve never heard this philosophy before, but it really struck a chord. Thank you! This gives me a new perspective. It’s not even my Bday, and I got a gift!

[JNChell]

Hi, L2T!

When you’re feeling the dark feelings, what do you do?

It can be hard to identify them, but they’re there. It’s shame, guilt and feelings of worthlessness. The dark triad.  Anyway, my gears are really turning today so I’ll try not to give a drawn out, complex answer.

Sometimes I still stuff them, but I’m learning more on how to process. I’m seeing the path that my therapist is leading me down. I didn’t get why she was simply teaching me grounding techniques at first. I think that she was preparing me to face some pretty rough stuff that has to be faced.

I am terrified of being sucked into festering bitterness or self pity which would only further rob me of joy in my life.

If you’re ok with it, will you elaborate more on this statement? Do you feel like you still have some “stuffed stuff”? If I read that paragraph correctly, you’re afraid of letting your trauma come to your surface. Is that right? Please correct me if I’m wrong.

[Panda39]

I have a few fiber/mixed media art ideas but I fear the judgment that may be passed by anyone who views it — mainly from my H and our youngest son, 17, who still lives at home.

L2T,

Make it!  You don't have to explain to anyone what it means internally to you.  I know the power of making something... .(I have a Bachelor of Fine Arts in Textiles)... .Hands on, literally working through something as you work on something. I for example made a quilt out of the fabric/silks from my dad's neckties when he died... .it was an opportunity to mourn, to remember, and do it from that creative place. 

We shouldn’t have to be here. I understand that the past can’t be undone. No redo’s. But, why? Is there a higher power? If there is, why are some people being treated/tested in this way? Is it simply black and white, or is there a biblical reason. I’m not versed on the Bible. I was raised RC. I am currently questioning faith and god after being a non-believer for most of my life.

JNChell,

It does suck to have to be here, in that suffering has led you here. But does it really suck to be here?

What I've learned by being here is there is so much more going on in the lives of people than appears on the surface.  There is more struggle, more "real life", more abuse, more mental illness, more financial struggle, more alcoholism/substance abuse, anxiety, depression etc.  This is "real life", "real life" isn't necessarily what's on Facebook, the smiling image in a family photo, or what you see when you drive through a nice suburb... .real life can get down and dirty no matter the image people portray to the world.

I find that my experiences, knowledge, lessons learned have helped me both here and in the real world to relate to others in a more "real" way and to help others get through similar things.

Those negative experiences, growing up with a critical mother, developing poor self-esteem, marrying an alcoholic, having a co-dependent marriage, getting involved with someone with a mentally ill ex... .all were hard, all led to pain, and all led to learning, and were experiences that helped me grow.  Is there a purpose to all of this pain?  I think it is to learn from it and take those lessons and share them with others to ease the pain of someone going through something similar.

Had I not had my own mommy issues, would I have been as understanding with my SO's daughters issues with their mother?

Had I not been in a marriage with an alcoholic would I have been able to understand my SO's co-dependent marriage to someone with mental illness?

Had I not been in a relationship with my SO with an ex with mental illness, would I have been able to negotiate the Narcissistic Boss I had for 2 years or help support my friend who just discovered her husband is bipolar?

Had the children of BPD parents here not had those experiences and been able to share them here with me, I may not have been as helpful to my SO's daughters or could have even caused them more pain.

Had I not come here due to my SO's ex, I might not have learned about JADE, FOG, better boundaries, all things that have improved my life and that I have shared with others.

Yes, suffering abusive behaviors sucks, and it should not happen to you or anyone else (particularly to a child)!  I understand the anger, but to me it's what you do with those experiences that counts.  You can wallow in anger, or victimhood, blame God, the Universe... .and no one would blame you... .or you can take that experience, the lessons you've learned, and use them to help someone else.

Taking that destructive experience and turning it into something constructive, is to me where you find the reason for or the value in our pasts.

Panda39

 

[Harri]

JNChell, you are such a joy.  Truly.  With all the pain and anger seeing you reach out and extend yourself and working so hard gives me happiness.

Harri, I can’t tell you enough on how glad I am that you provided this statement in your post. I’ve never heard this philosophy before, but it really struck a chord. Thank you! This gives me a new perspective. It’s not even my Bday, and I got a gift!

I am not sure if I should tell you this or not... .but I got that quote off of TV.  I kid you not.  It was in an episode of Call the Midwife and it stuck with me.  I have thought about that phrase for a long time and I think it fits.  I don't believe God tries to teach us a lesson by letting other people suffer and hurt with a mental illness like BPD.  And I don't think God allowed me to be abused the way I was by my mentally ill mother so I could learn something or be a lesson to others.  He is what lifted me... .his presence in the people who believed in me and saw something worthy of care, concern and love.  

Maybe it is a bias of mine, a result of being told I was a devil and was possessed and prayed over for the demons to release me... .but I think we give way too much credit to the devil too (though I have a much hazier view of him than I do of God).  People are capable of all sorts of behaviors.  Good and 'evil'.  It is just that some people have never had the experiences that have caused them to face the 'devil' (for lack of a better word) within them.   Those who deny the capability of being cruel are the worst offenders sometimes.  

Okay, got off on a tangent there.  Sorry.

I guess what I am saying is we all have a light and a dark side.  We have to acknowledge it and not let it define us but let us be wise and prudent in our choices and without arrogance.

You know, the Panda speaks with much wisdom.  If there is any purpose in these experiences, if there is to be any meaning, we have to take what we learn and do better, be better and pass it on.  Panda is full of such compassion and wisdom as are so many of us here.  You too JNChell.  Even me.  We have chosen not to let the darkness take us.  That is beautiful.  That is what life is supposed to be about.  When you think about it it is a miracle we are not all rocking in a corner sucking our thumbs and drooling (okay, come up with your own imagery here!).  

JNChell, the shame, guilt and worthlessness will lessen over time and go away.  That is a promise.  For now just trust me and L2T and Panda and everyone else here who tells you the shame and guilt are not yours to own.  they belong to your parents who abused you horribly and failed you so miserably.  Even if there were good times, they failed you in the most important ways.

L2T:  

I am terrified of being sucked into festering bitterness or self pity which would only further rob me of joy in my life.

 I spent so much time refusing to accept the word victim, avoiding it at all costs because it felt like giving in and I was determined to never be a victim of anyone.  In time, it became a way for me to deny, minimize and, horror of horrors, a way to victimize myself.  I mention that as it may apply to you... .I can't tell from here.  Mine was wrapped up in determination, pride, anger... .all things that came to be my downfall... .and I fell hard. It can be seen here in my posts.  I think you had a lurkers seat to it all.  It was hard but so necessary.  I did not fall into self pity, but rather self acceptance and acceptance of my past.  And I am still working on it.  I was a victim.  I am a survivor.  I will be a thriver.

As always, take what fits and leave the rest.

[JNChell]

Hi, Harri! Good day to you.

JNChell, you are such a joy.  Truly.  With all the pain and anger seeing you reach out and extend yourself and working so hard gives me happiness.


I’d simply like to say ditto.

I am not sure if I should tell you this or not... .but I got that quote off of TV.  I kid you not.  It was in an episode of Call the Midwife and it stuck with me.  I have thought about that phrase for a long time and I think it fits.  I don't believe God tries to teach us a lesson by letting other people suffer and hurt with a mental illness like BPD.  And I don't think God allowed me to be abused the way I was by my mentally ill mother so I could learn something or be a lesson to others.  He is what lifted me... .his presence in the people who believed in me and saw something worthy of care, concern and love.

I understand what you’re saying. In my search of belief, I’ve learned that the accepted philosophy is that God has granted humanity free will. I also wonder if this philosophy has been severely distorted. People are being hurt on grandiose levels. It bothers me. From hearing about a manipulation at home to reading an article about a grand scale occurrence. It’s an epidemic. Is it coming down to “the survival of the fittest”? This is simply an idea, but who is the fittest? Is it physically or mentally fit? A combination of two? Morally? Who wins here? I’m going off on a tangent. Center JNChell! 

People are capable of all sorts of behaviors.  Good and 'evil'.  It is just that some people have never had the experiences that have caused them to face the 'devil' (for lack of a better word) within them.   Those who deny the capability of being cruel are the worst offenders sometimes.

So true, Harri! You know, I’ve learned that pwASPD (psychopaths/sociopaths) actually have to be triggered somewhere along the way to really become dangerous people. If they were raised in a loving environment, they simply become people that can’t feel. They don’t cause outright harm to anyone.

Yes. Those in denial cause the most harm. This is S3’s mom. When faced with responsibility or accepting blame, it was met with rage or disassociation. Many times running away and ST. It’s maddening for those of us that can’t seem to stop trying to fix these unrepairable scenarios.

  When you think about it it is a miracle we are not all rocking in a corner sucking our thumbs and drooling

Or in a prison cell. Dead even? It’s a bit of a miracle that we aren’t totally self absorbed into entitlement and abusing others to simply try to shed our own pain. I don’t know how I came out of the other side of that, but I don’t question it. That is one aspect that I leave alone out of fear of opening up another Pandora’s box. That aspect is what it is and I’m glad to let it rest.

JNChell, the shame, guilt and worthlessness will lessen over time and go away.  That is a promise.  For now just trust me and L2T and Panda and everyone else here who tells you the shame and guilt are not yours to own.  they belong to your parents who abused you horribly and failed you so miserably.  Even if there were good times, they failed you in the most important ways.

I do trust you all, and I’m grateful for you all. I know that there is a saying out there about help from strangers, but the words don’t come to mind right now. I love you guys. You’ve opened up your worlds so that I could open mine. We share. It’s synergy.

Harri, thank you for placing yourself where you have. You made a choice, and that choice has made a positive affect on the world. I’m a bit of a hick, so I’ll give you some hick terminology. You’re good people.

[JNChell]

Panda39, I’m glad you showed up here. Thank you for the stern re-centering. I needed that. It’s easy to self loathe at times. That is what really sucks.


It does suck to have to be here, in that suffering has led you here. But does it really suck to be here?

No, it doesn’t suck to be here. Not at all. I’m sorry if I sounded like that. Your words have helped me to realize and to take an honest look at how I can implement my experiences for a better purpose. You’ve explained how bad situations can be beneficial to others if it’s delivered through the right vehicle. In essence, I am, we are able to help others through our own experience as a whole. This means the in, through and the out. The out being very important.

Panda39, I bet that you’re one hell of a parent. You have a way of being forthright and stern in an unthreatening way. It’s confidence. You know your stuff and it shows. Thanks for being such a help to those in need.

[JNChell]

p  I am finally coming out the other side of this existential crisis thing

Harri, how has this gone for you? I’m struggling here. I know who I am, but I’m not able to show society who I am at the moment. I’m able to show close and trusted people, but not society.

[Learning2Thrive]

... .I’m struggling here. I know who I am, but I’m not able to show society who I am at the moment. I’m able to show close and trusted people, but not society.

JNChell, I can’t speak for Harri, but I can tell you I am in a similar place to you.

You know Jack Nicholson’s famous line from A Few Good Men:
“You can’t handle the truth!”

That is how I feel about revealing my current whole self in relationship to society.

I’m not sure if I will ever reach the level that I can be all of who I am to society at large. Right now—for me—it’s one day at a time. Maybe 5 minutes at a time. I’m grieving the loss of my pup who was under 3 years old. He was helping me heal from childhood trauma. I was helping him heal from trauma he experienced as a small pup. He helped me more in 2 years than anything or anyone else in all my 53 years. It’s too much for me to write about right now. But I will eventually. I’m missing him so much. I feel lost and alone. I’m going to figure this out and keep moving forward.

You will keep moving forward too, right? Your son is counting on you. But know that you are worthy in your own right.  

  L2T

[Learning2Thrive]

JNChell wrote:

I do trust you all, and I’m grateful for you all. I know that there is a saying out there about help from strangers, but the words don’t come to mind right now. I love you guys. You’ve opened up your worlds so that I could open mine. We share. It’s synergy.

Yes. This. We are strangers. But we are FAMILY. I love you, JNChell, my little brother working so hard to heal. And I love all my family here who listen without harsh judgement and understand with empathy and advise with LOVE.

  L2T

[Harri]

JNChell wrote:

I have viewed Jesus as a moral template for human behavior.  Look what happened to him for being a person of high moral character. I also wonder if this is merely a fable that was set forth to be an example for why humanity needs to keep their morality in check so that the powers that be can remain to be just that.

I meant to comment on this earlier so sorry if I am wrecking the flow of this thread but (!) here goes:  Jesus was 100% human but also 100% God.  You can't separate the two. 

During this crisis I had, I spent some time believing there was no God and it felt dark and lonely and everything was so pointless.  I told my T that I did not care if he turned out to be a fable as you call it, I want to believe.  I can't go through life thinking He does not exist and add meaning and purpose to life.  I may not be entirely sure of what that purpose and meaning is yet other than to try not to be a jerk and try to leave the world a little bit better but there is something there.  The alternative is intolerable and incomprehensible to me.

If that means I believe in a fable, I'm okay with that.  I have had too many things that have happened for me to believe otherwise.  I've had too many blessings in my life.  When I did not believe I felt like I was missing a vital part of me.

As I am writing this, I wonder if I feel better knowing there is a God in part because I always did believe in him (with the exception I told you about above).  He was a big part of my life and belief system even though i was not big on religion and church. 

I hope you can sort this out JNChell.  Believe, don't believe, you get to figure this out for you and you get to decide what makes it a valid choice for you. 

[JNChell]

Hello again, L2T. Sorry for the delayed response.

You know Jack Nicholson’s famous line from A Few Good Men:
“You can’t handle the truth!”

That is how I feel about revealing my current whole self in relationship to society.

I do. Very popular movie quote. I feel the same as you. Do you feel like that you’d be rejected or not believed for telling your truth? Personally, I’m becoming quite comfortable with the small, trusted circle of peeps that I have around me, and me around them.

I’m grieving the loss of my pup who was under 3 years old. He was helping me heal from childhood trauma. I was helping him heal from trauma he experienced as a small pup. He helped me more in 2 years than anything or anyone else in all my 53 years. It’s too much for me to write about right now. But I will eventually. I’m missing him so much. I feel lost and alone. I’m going to figure this out and keep moving forward.

    I’m so sorry. Pets, I’m biased because I’m a dog person, are family. I’ve experienced it with one dog in particular. She went through 14 years of life with me. Moving around. People coming in and out of our lives. She was the dog that didn’t need a leash. She was a stray puppy when we connected. Her name was Jessi. I named her after a favorite song. “Jessica” by the Allman Brothers.

I can understand how strong the bond was between you and your pup. There were times that I cried uncontrollably to Jessi. If treated right, dogs are definitely very good friends to us humans. The loyalty between the two is indisputable. If you rescue a dog that has been abandoned and love that animal, it will love you in return fiercely. There’s a member around here somewhere that has a Mark Twain quote about dogs vs. humans. It’s in favor of dogs.

We’re here for you when you’re ready to talk about your dearly departed. If S3 and I were able to have a puppy in our current living arrangement, I would. Hopefully we can share new puppy stories somewhere down the line.

[JNChell]

Hi, Harri.

Jesus was 100% human but also 100% God.  You can't separate the two.

I can understand this. I don’t believe in an almighty being that lives in the sky so to speak. I would tend to believe that God is a collective energy. A force of nature that is manifested through us, speaking only from the standpoint of a human. I can’t soapbox for other species. I hope I’m not sounding crazy here. It’s always been hard to try to explain this. By energy, I mean that God is everything from the air we breathe to the almost non-existent places in space. The universe and beyond what we can even comprehend at this point in time.

Growing up in a RC household “tried” to teach me that God and humans were the only dynamic within this subject. That philosophy didn’t sit well with me when I was young, and I totally reject it now. I’m not out to offend anyone of secular beliefs, I’m simply stating my POV. Scientifically, there is no tangible proof. Instinctually, I feel that there is a higher power. Sometimes I wish we all knew each other face to face, but after this post, I’m glad it’s anonymous.

[Harri]

JNChell I think we are on the same page in terms of how we view God.  I don't think we are being offensive to anyone, at least I hope not.  People on this board seem to be pretty open.  I know there are several who do follow a particular religion and I am always happy to hear their thoughts.  We have had some good discussions and they seem open, and can share without being preachy.

I don't believe in a Santa in the sky either.  I wish I could articulate my beliefs better than i do.

Don't feel embarrassed for sharing.    I like it!  It makes me think... .plus I am not alone.  I feel like at 52 I should have this all figured out by now.  Then I remember that I was still living with my parents just about 15 years ago.  I am going to give myself a pass for being a bit behind.  I can't imagine having to sort all this out plus deal with a kid, an ex, parenthood and a career too. 

About this:  “You can’t handle the truth!”  LOL  I hear this in my head sometimes when  someone asks me how I am.  I definitely hear it when a friend or doctor or nurse say to me that I have a good attitude.  haha  They can't hear the inner voices and if they could they would cry.  I've seen it happen when i just share a part of stuff never mine the whole thing.  No thank you.  I do fine with here and with my T. 

L2T, I am right here for you.  I am glad you are slowly reaching out as you can.  It is important that you share your story.  I am glad you feel safe with us.

[JNChell]

Happy Friday, Harri! I hope the day has met you in kind.

I wish I could articulate my beliefs better than i do.

Copy that. I understand that this is deep stuff for you. It is for me as well, but I’m not quite as evolved as you are and comfortably sitting with a belief on the subject yet. I guess that I feel like it’s a very powerful topic, and one I need to eventually sort out, but I have a lot to sort out with myself before I can do that.

I am going to give myself a pass for being a bit behind.  I can't imagine having to sort all this out plus deal with a kid, an ex, parenthood and a career too.

I agree that you should give yourself a pass for what you were forced to survive, but not for being behind.  You’re not behind. You’re Harri. You’re here helping and guiding people. Trust all of us that are outside observers of the work that you do here. We’re all here putting the hard work in, but it wouldn’t be the same without Harri.

Yes, I have my own stuff to manage and deal with. But that doesn’t minimize anyone else’s struggles. It’s just different. Similar levels of pain and anguish caused by different situations. We’re here because we’ve been hurting for a long time, and we are determined to thrive.

About this:  “You can’t handle the truth!”  LOL  I hear this in my head sometimes when  someone asks me how I am.  I definitely hear it when a friend or doctor or nurse say to me that I have a good attitude.  haha  They can't hear the inner voices and if they could they would cry.  I've seen it happen when i just share a part of stuff never mine the whole thing.  No thank you.  I do fine with here and with my T.

I have to be honest. This made me laugh a bit. I’m with you on the sharing what with who thing. My T and the members here know way more than my small circle. My family members know a decent amount, my friends a bit less. I answer questions should they arise, but I take care in opening the floodgates on them. I’ve caught myself doing this before, and I could see the look on their faces of not understanding. I think that you’re exactly right. Everything has it’s place. Thanks for helping me come to this conclusion.

[Learning2Thrive]

I agree that you should give yourself a pass for what you were forced to survive, but not for being behind. Virtual hug (click to insert in post) You’re not behind. You’re Harri. You’re here helping and guiding people. Trust all of us that are outside observers of the work that you do here. We’re all here putting the hard work in, but it wouldn’t be the same without Harri.

I don’t have the heart or words to say much tonight, except that reading this stopped me from running as far away as I could get fast as I could go.

Today felt like 1,000 steps back. Just shaking my head.

I hope tomorrow doesn’t feel like today.

Love to my strong family doing the hard work.

  L2T

[JNChell]

L2T, my big sister... .We don’t have to talk about today, but we can talk about something, if you’re up for it.

[Learning2Thrive]

L2T, my big sister... .We don’t have to talk about today, but we can talk about something, if you’re up for it.

JNChell 

You are very kind. What would you like to talk about?

L2T

[JNChell]

Hmm. Do you like fish?

[Learning2Thrive]

Hmm. Do you like fish?

Lol!  

 I love to look at them... .always loved Jacques Cousteau and National Geographic. I love Shark Week. Giant MantaRays are my favorite... .like butterflies of the ocean.

I eat tuna, salmon, fish ‘n chips and GOOD sushi. I won’t eat fish that smells “fishy”.

How about you?

[JNChell]

I’m all about good sushi! Now that I think about it, it’s been a few years since I’ve enjoyed it.

I have a fear of sharks. I’m lucky to get knee deep in the ocean. I read once, that at any given time that we’re within 15 feet of a shark when we’re in the water. Now, this doesn’t mean JAWS. There are little sharks out there too.

“Butterflies of the Ocean”. I like it.

Fish and chips! When I was very young, we lived by Lake Erie. There were little fish joints all over the place. We ate at these a lot. That’s a nice memory.

I have some salmon and tuna steaks in the freezer, and I love me a tuna salad sandwich.

My favorite fish of all is Bluegill. They’re fun to catch and good to eat.

If it smells fishy, I’m out. Catfish. I could never get those right. I’d catch them, clean them, but I couldn’t cook them. They tasted like “fishy smell”.

How was the 20 miler with your friend?

[JNChell]

I vaguely remember watching Cousteau on TV. I also remember stacks of NG. I just looked at the pictures.

[Learning2Thrive]

You know... .we could be related.  

The 20 miler with my friend was good. 22 easy miles. We were on the road, but as it was a day ride on Monday morning, there wasn’t much traffic on the village roads we chose. The weather was perfect. We pedaled past horses, cows, donkeys and dogs.

My friend is wonderfully smart, about 7 years older than me. She’s married and a successful attorney but you’d ever guess it if you passed her on the street. She’s strong, very down to earth, unassuming and healthy. And one of the few healthy people on the planet who understands the damage of childhood trauma.

In many ways I feel she is a mentor for how to live a normal life.

I’m planning to ride a lot over the next few days. I am hopful that some of my natural joy will return somewhere along the way.

Have you started riding?

L2T

PS... .sharks terrify me too. But the man eating ones remind me of my childhood. With blood in the water, ‘tis their instinct to eat or at least attack.

[JNChell]

I’m adopted, so it’s possible.  I’m glad that you had a good ride. The picture that you painted of that ride is a nice vision.

The friends that we have. The ones that stay. They help with the doubt by simply being there. Has your friend handled cases that involved child abuse?

My bike is still leaning against the wall. I haven’t yet.

[Learning2Thrive]

The friends that we have. The ones that stay. They help with the doubt by simply being there. Has your friend handled cases that involved child abuse?

Yes, the friends that stay. For me, they are rare and precious treasure. I’m very thankful to have a few very good ones.

Yes, my friend has handled many cases that involve child abuse. She is a strong advocate for children and a dog lover.

Tell me about your bike.  What kind did you get?

L2T

[JNChell]

It’s just a cheap Mongoose. I upgraded the seat, but it’s nothing special. The intention for buying it was simply for cardio, but my gears are turning a bit after reading about your ride. Maybe it can become a tool for exploration? I have yet to find the motivation to start my workout routine again. Thanks for asking.

[Learning2Thrive]

It’s just a cheap Mongoose. I upgraded the seat, but it’s nothing special. The intention for buying it was simply for cardio, but my gears are turning a bit after reading about your ride. Maybe it can become a tool for exploration? I have yet to find the motivation to start my workout routine again. Thanks for asking.

Yes, exploration! I used to go adventure-sploring on my new fat tire bike as much as possible. It was awesome!

 After losing my pup a couple weeks ago, I lost interest... .in it, and life, really. I’m just so dang tired of losing the ones I love. He was under 3. Only 6 to 8 months old when I adopted/rescued him from Animal Contol. In June the vet told me pup had fairly severe hip dysplasia and I’d probably have 5 more years with him. I didn’t even get 2 more months. After he fell asleep, we discovered both hind knees had been completely blown beyond hope for reasonable repair and vet was amazed he did as well as he had with me. My poor pup had been in so much pain. He followed me everywhere... .my shadow. He loved our walks and would perk up and whine with anticipation when I put on my walking hat. He loved to lay at my feet or wrap himself around me if I was sitting on the sofa. He didn’t like to be petted much (a lot like I don’t like to be hugged much). I thought then it was because of abuse he’d suffered in the past. And likely that was a big part of it. Now I know it was also because of his pain... .and there had been enormous pain. But still... .he always had to touch me with one paw. That was his way. We had an understanding and compassion toward each other.

Based on the scars on his body, chunk missing from his ear, and fearful aggression toward other dogs and most grown men, I am certain he was raised/bred to fight (there is a culture here ... .vomit). I now fully believe that his first owners turned him out after they realized they produced a genetically/physically inferior dog. Geeeez... .people s*ck.

I’m so sorry for his suffering. I’m glad he’s not suffering anymore. But I feel so alone now.

L2T