CoParent App to text

[AnuDay]

Anyone use any of these Android or iPhone Apps designed for coparents or people doing shared parenting to text and communicate with their ex (eg. Our Family Wizard, Appclose) ?

[Thunderstruck]

We used Our Family Wizard for 3 years I believe. uBPDbm was supposed to pay for her portion (each parent is ~$100) but she never would. This year we switched to Talking Parents. It's free but you have to pay if you want to use the app.

[I_Am_The_Fire]

We've been using Talking Parents and I really like it.

[mama-wolf]

We are using Our Family Wizard based on the recommendation from my L.  It has only been a couple months, but it works pretty well.

Side note about Our Family Wizard... .there was a scene in the new Mark Wahlberg movie Mile 22 that reference this platform.  I found it absolutely hilarious because a character was telling her teammate about the platform and how it restricts foul language.  When he asked what she meant, she gave a him a very long string of expletives that she clearly used in reference to her ex.  It was really good comic relief for me, even though I actually don't feel that way specifically towards my stbx.  I can't wait for the clip to make it onto YouTube because I really want to watch it again.

mw

[I_Am_The_Fire]

OurFamilyWizard restricts foul language? Interesting! TalkingParents does not. My ex has probably used every cuss word and derogatory nasty word known to man.  

[mama-wolf]

Well, according to how it was being represented on the screen, it does.  But the only thing related to language that I'm aware of in OFW is that they have a "ToneMeter" feature that indicates if the wording is hostile or at least potentially hostile.  I also know that you can add your L to your account (or other professionals) and they can be engaged through the portal when necessary.  Could be useful in really contentious cases.

There could be features (like blocking foul language) that just aren't enabled in the subscription type I have, or maybe the makers of the platform just put that in the movie as part of their marketing... .maybe they're working on it for a future enhancement.  Either way, it was interesting to see the tool on the big screen.

[I_Am_The_Fire]

Cool! Yes it would be interesting to see it used in a movie.

[AnuDay]

I read about most of those features for OFW.  I'm concerned about privacy for the other things that I have on my phone eg. pictures.  I'll have to read the privacy policy for OFW.  I'm also a little bit concerned because I don't want my UBPDex to be able to manipulate me or give her any ammo to use against me if we were to use a platform like OFW.  eg. inciting me to get angry at her responses that show a lack of empathy, care, or concern for the children or trying to rack up miscellaneous fake expenses to try to show that she did things for the kids.   

[ForeverDad]

I read about most of those features for OFW.  I'm concerned about privacy for the other things that I have on my phone eg. pictures.

The evening the police came to pick up my then-spouse, and our separation began, I saved our computer's browsing history.  She had been on a page to block an email address.  From then until now, nearly 13 years later, she has never received, or acknowledged receiving, the emails I periodically send her about parenting our son.  So I'm confident she blocked my email address.  And it is still blocked.  My lawyer knew what I concluded but we managed to muddle through with phone calls and recently texts.

About OFW, I believe it is simply an email platform where the professionals can monitor the account and respond to any issues that arise.  Therefore I doubt either of you could delete or alter the emails.  I'm sure it would not collect other data from your phone or else no one would use it.

I'm also a little bit concerned because I don't want my UBPDex to be able to manipulate me or give her any ammo to use against me if we were to use a platform like OFW.  eg. inciting me to get angry at her responses that show a lack of empathy, care, or concern for the children or trying to rack up miscellaneous fake expenses to try to show that she did things for the kids.

This is where your boundaries come in.  Remember, boundaries don't work much for disordered people, they will do what they will do at the impulses of their erratic moods and perceptions.  So boundaries are for us.  We cannot let the ex "rent space in our heads".  We cannot let them trigger us to overreact.  We must be angelic in our responses even when we are attacked or manipulated via emails.

One personal boundary is to read the email and wait a while before responding so that we can ponder the ramifications and formulate the "least bad" reply possible, well, as long as it isn't some emergency about the kids.  It is likely that our immediate response is too "in the moment" and email allows us time to ponder an appropriate reply.  That is so much more difficult when speaking on the phone or in person.

Can you use that email platform to your advantage?  Often the ?PD person is used to erratic and impulsive claims and accusations.  It's like they feel they have the authority to let loose on you with impunity.  The professionals would be able to discern the difference between her emails and yours.

Since OFW or similar email platforms would enable you to develop better boundaries and skills with judicious responses, all you have to do is ensure you learn how not to get triggered or manipulated and lose your cool with her.  Just think and ponder the ramifications before you type.

[livednlearned]

I'm also a little bit concerned because I don't want my UBPDex to be able to manipulate me or give her any ammo to use against me if we were to use a platform like OFW.  eg. inciting me to get angry at her responses that show a lack of empathy, care, or concern for the children or trying to rack up miscellaneous fake expenses to try to show that she did things for the kids.  

If she can incite you to anger through email, that seems like a more important issue than whether you use OFW or TP.

My ex wasn't able to incite anger in me, but his emails managed to keep my stress levels so high I couldn't sleep or eat. Eventually, I had his emails forwarded to a friend, who would tell me whether there was anything in the email I needed to look at.

Over time my emotions settled and he wasn't able to get under my skin.

Usually it's the BPD person whose behaviors get documented via email, text, OFW, etc. It seems like many of the exes discussed here don't like using platforms because it shines too much light on bad behaviors.

The way you are talking about platforms is how I felt about having a parenting coordinator assigned. Except the opposite of my worst fears happened. The PC shone light on ex's behaviors and that unraveled him. But I was also very level-headed in the face of my ex's verbal attacks and bullying behaviors.

If you are struggling with how you respond to her, it might be a better idea to focus on what those triggers are about and/or put systems in place to prevent you from documenting behaviors you don't want used against you.

[AnuDay]

I read up on it.  Sounds like it makes it easier to subpoena texts.  I'll definitely be using one of the apps.  The benefits outweigh the risks.  If she does do something egregious I'll easily just not respond knowing that I have readily available evidence.  The only privacy concern are cookies and sharing of information to third parties, but I think the benefits outweigh the risks.