For weeks now, she has initiated the contact

[whiteknight4152]

For weeks now, she has initiated the contact. Should I send her something today? I don’t want her to get the vibe the I’m bored by her and only talk to her when she texts me. What do you think?

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PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[CryWolf]

What are you trying to achieve by keeping in contact?

[whiteknight4152]

What are you trying to achieve by keeping in contact?

Subconsciously, I know I’m trying to get her back. I’m also conflicted. I don’t want to just be a guy friend that she can talk to. It’ll tear me apart. I’m not sure what to do. If I were to text her, it was going to be two pictures. One of a energy reading (we are both hippie types) and anther of today’s daily tarot card. But I just don’t want to fall in that friend category. By letting her initiate contact for the last month, I feel like this grows attraction with her as it displays I’m not needy and constantly blowing up her phone. I feel like if she realizes she’s the only one starting conversation, then she’ll get annoyed. I still don’t know if she’s talking to the other guy or not. She seemed very friendly in our conversation yesterday, and I’ve yet to text back. Should I just let her double message again? On one side, I want to establish that I can’t be friends with her, I want her romantically, if she wants that with me, you know where I am. Then on the other, I want my feelings to be a mystery to her, because that creates attraction by not knowing how my feelings are.

[CryWolf]

I think if you want more than friendship, you need to state it and if she can’t give it to you then walk away.

But you texting her waiting for a sign if she likes you or not is slim. It could happen, it could not.  Do you want to put your life on hold? Something to ask yourself.

You know what you want and it’s not friendship. And every day you text as just friends it’s a disservice to yourself and her. What do you think, whiteKnight?

She ended the relationship, and expected you to just put romantic feelings aside. It doesn’t work that way. She stated she wants friendship and you want more. If you want to settle for just friends then that’ll be it, but you can’t say you’re giving her friendship but then have ulterior motives to win her over.

[whiteknight4152]

So I should just state it? Should I do that when I see her in person? Or go ahead and state that? How would I word it?

[CryWolf]

Based off how you feel, how would you write it?


Vs


How would you say it in person?

Feel free to tell us first, we can help with the best approach here. But what would WhiteKnight do? Don’t shy from your Internal self on this one.

[once removed]

By letting her initiate contact for the last month, I feel like this grows attraction with her as it displays I’m not needy and constantly blowing up her phone. I feel like if she realizes she’s the only one starting conversation, then she’ll get annoyed.

i think this is still missing the big picture, and some of it may be more projection on your end than what shes going through/experiencing. youre very invested in this, understandably, and reading into each interaction trying to see how far its getting you.

relationships really dont work that way. you dont build them by text, each interaction, and guessing games.

big picture: she has reacted strongly (negatively) to every overture from you. she may or may not be in a relationship. she may or may not be pregnant/just went through a miscarriage. shes still reaching out of her own accord, which is a bit of a mixed message, but the exchanges are largely contained to casual pleasantries and the exchange of belongings. there is no room for building attraction in this scenario.

playing your next move as an ultimatum power play, "be my girlfriend again or im history" is a ticket to being shut out for good, and youre likely to regret it and try to take it back.CryWolf can tell you this from experience. many guys have tried it.

she cant force you into a friendship or make you be any more of a friend (or type of friend) than you want to be. youre either a willing participant in that, or you arent. so really you have to decide how youre going to participate, or not, and you need to think it through carefully.

[whiteknight4152]

i think this is still missing the big picture, and some of it may be more projection on your end than what shes going through/experiencing. youre very invested in this, understandably, and reading into each interaction trying to see how far its getting you.

relationships really dont work that way. you dont build them by text, each interaction, and guessing games.

big picture: she has reacted strongly (negatively) to every overture from you. she may or may not be in a relationship. she may or may not be pregnant/just went through a miscarriage. shes still reaching out of her own accord, which is a bit of a mixed message, but the exchanges are largely contained to casual pleasantries and the exchange of belongings. there is no room for building attraction in this scenario.

playing your next move as an ultimatum power play, "be my girlfriend again or im history" is a ticket to being shut out for good, and youre likely to regret it and try to take it back.CryWolf can tell you this from experience. many guys have tried it.

she cant force you into a friendship or make you be any more of a friend (or type of friend) than you want to be. youre either a willing participant in that, or you arent. so really you have to decide how youre going to participate, or not, and you need to think it through carefully.

Okay, so what would you recommend my next move be to best propel my end goal?

[once removed]

my recommendation would be to think about what your end goal is, and why, and to be realistic about it in both your expectations and your approach.

is your end goal to get her back? to detach/move on? something else?

[whiteknight4152]

my recommendation would be to think about what your end goal is, and why, and to be realistic about it in both your expectations and your approach.

is your end goal to get her back? to detach/move on? something else?

My end goal continues to stay the same. No hesitation. Have a strong healthy relationship with this woman. A relationship that is focused on growth for her, myself, and us as a couple. Why? I see something in this girl that I’ve never seen in another person. She’s intoxicating, I love enjoying her company, I love building her up when she’s low, I love adventuring and experiencing all there is to offer with her.


What is my next move to achieve this goal?

[CryWolf]

Right now that’s what you want. But she needs to want it too. It won’t happen if both parties aren’t invested as putting equal or close to the same effort.

Right now you’re putting more effort to make something work.

You can’t really do anything, for her to “fall” for you. She has to come to that realization herself. You can do all the “get your back” techniques, and mind games, etc. but she needs to feel the same as you and want to make it work.

But from what I’ve read, she seems to just want a platonic friendship. This could or could not change. Are you okay with being friends and potentially putting your life on hold waiting? Can you be friends while dating other people?

Everyone wants a strong healthy relationship, irs human nature to want that. But it needs to come from both sides.

[whiteknight4152]

But that’s the thing, every time I would say let’s start back out as best friends again, and work out way back to lovers, she’s like “I don’t think you’re capavle of doing that. You can’t be friends with someone your in love with. It just doesn’t work”

So do I just keep letting her initiate contact?

No I cannot just be fRiends  with her and see other people, I think for a while, maybe forever, I’m going to crave and desire her. So in that sense, we are either lovers, or estranged. I’ll see where it goes for a short period, but long term, being friends with her will literally tear me apart. I just don’t know where her head is at with all of this. She does have to want this too, I agree. I just want to know if she wants to make this work. If it’s worth it to her to work on the relationship as well as ourselves individually so that we can give our best to each other and those surrounding us.

[once removed]

I see something in this girl that I’ve never seen in another person. She’s intoxicating, I love enjoying her company, I love building her up when she’s low, I love adventuring and experiencing all there is to offer with her.

before we get into next steps, can we focus on this for a moment?

this is more about how you feel when youre around her, than what you like about her as a person, no?

think about it: its not really unlike a high. the focus on each interaction and "the next step" is akin to chasing a high, even to your own detriment, if only to get that high back, even momentarily.

there really arent next steps that arent just "chasing the high" if you cant see that first and foremost, and begin to switch your perspective. the honeymoon period in a relationship is nice. the feeling that youve met your soulmate, sharing your hopes and dreams and greatest fears, that feeling of being able to be desperately oneself with another person, it feels great, but relationships are more than that; every honeymoon comes to an end. most relationships come to an end with it, too.

seeing this, accepting that things wont return to "the way they used to be", and giving up the pursuit of that, is the next step.

it will take that in order to have a strong healthy relationship with her, or anyone. it will take growing on your own, first and foremost.

[whiteknight4152]

I fell in love with her for her mind. The way she thinks. Her soul. Her perspective and personality are so very similar to my own. I love her genuine laugh. I love the way she says “huh” when she’s confused. I love seeing her true form, and that is giving back and helping others. I know the honeymoon doesn’t last forever. She even told me she may never be the girl that I had been with ever again. I know this. I told her everyone is a little different each day. I don’t care if she never is that girl again. But she is still HERSELF. She still has an identity. She still thinks creatively and is still the funny, sexy, very intelligent, independent woman that I love. I will stop chasing these highs. I just don’t want to screw up and start practicing old methods that pushed her away. Since I stopped being so fearful of the risks I wanted to take, and tart applying your techniques, things have went well. I want to keep that going. That’s why I keep asking for the “next move” because you all are far more experienced here than I am. I’m still learning, but I AM retaining all of this information and applying it. I have no problem taking risks anymore. Fear is an idea. I’m not going to let that get in the way of me and her.

[whiteknight4152]

So I just got a notification that she saved a pin to the “Love” board I made for us. She has never posted in it I don’t think. I just always posted in it. She posted something very specific as well. My nickname for her was My Moon. The picture is a girl skull kissing a moon man. It says “ I Fu**ing love you to the moon and back”

She’s never posted in the board and posts something so personal?
What do I do here? She’s obviously trying to get my attention. Do I message her?

[once removed]

my advice would be not to read into that sort of thing, or act on it. she may not be trying to get your attention. if she is, thats nice, but 1. there are better, more direct ways to go about getting someones attention and 2. any time you give her your attention, she has shut it down. i see no reason to do it now.

thats not about tit for tat or ignoring her. its a matter of if she is sending any message, you dont want to over pursue, and she also may not be. guys tend to over read into this sort of thing.

I just don’t want to screw up and start practicing old methods that pushed her away.

okay.

then the next step is seeing and accepting the situation for what it is. it is a situation where if your intended goal is to get her back, you have a high risk (to you, emotionally), and a low probability of success. for starters, each make up/break up damages the relationship. she has flat out stated she doesnt see a romantic future. and the next step is the exchange of belongings, which is usually symbolic that things are done. throw on top of that that she may be seeing someone else, which you are going to have to let play out.

whiteknight, in the near term, i dont see any option beyond letting her initiate contact when she does, and just being polite and friendly (like you have been), no more.

[whiteknight4152]

You’re right. I’m over analyzing everything. She just texted me two messages. The first one was, “oh my fu**””. The second one was I just fuc**ing rembered your bday wow im the worst person ever.”

I don’t know what I’m going to say to her yet... .I’m at my friends house right now hanging out with him and his family. So I’m going to wait till I get home to text her. Suggestions?

[CryWolf]

Don’t reply back tonight. Wait til tomorrow in my opinion.

then the next step is seeing and accepting the situation for what it is. it is a situation where if your intended goal is to get her back, you have a high risk (to you, emotionally), and a low probability of success. for starters, each make up/break up damages the relationship. she has flat out stated she doesnt see a romantic future. and the next step is the exchange of belongings, which is usually symbolic that things are done. throw on top of that that she may be seeing someone else, which you are going to have to let play

Good observations made by once removed please take some time and think about this.

[whiteknight4152]

whiteknight, in the near term, i dont see any option beyond letting her initiate contact when she does, and just being polite and friendly (like you have been), no more.

She replied at 4am this morning. She replied, "Big deal." then she sent another message, " I know i'm busy but to forget that. I'm sorry. I know the way you're responding you don't wanna talk. I get that. I'll get your sh*t and you won't have to deal w me ever again. I just had to say i'm sorry.

I replied, " K****, i was only respecting your space. You know my feelings for you. I want to hold you, and touch you. I want you romantically. It's not that i don't want to talk, but i'm tired of hiding F***ing emotions behind a keyboard. That's where i stand. My birthday is just another day.

She replied, "i UNderstand"

I replied, " I'd rather hear your voice. If not, i get it."

She replied, "I understand"

I have no idea what do here guys other than take no action. Now i guess i know that she doesn't want me.

[once removed]

so she forgot about your birthday, feels bad, and is now making you the bad guy 

I have no idea what do here guys other than take no action. 

there is no action to take, and no reason to engage this... .its an outburst, and it will blow over.

future reference, you dont need to make her feel better about this stuff. she blew up a bit. responding to that with rescuing her from her feelings can validate the invalid. let her self soothe.

[whiteknight4152]

so she forgot about your birthday, feels bad, and is now making you the bad guy 

there is no action to take, and no reason to engage this... .its an outburst, and it will blow over.

future reference, you dont need to make her feel better about this stuff. she blew up a bit. responding to that with rescuing her from her feelings can validate the invalid. let her self soothe.

Did i do a bad job in responding?... .I knew I should've consulted you first. what does she want? to just keep me on the hook? does she really even care for me? does she want to fix things? why do this to me? Its all about power struggles and control with her it seems like. I just thought my responses would let her know where i am, take it or leave it.

[once removed]

I knew I should've consulted you first

whiteknight, what i think you should be doing is learning the tools here, to the right of the page, and applying them. they will help you stand strong. its good to get support and feedback and we can help with that, but in the big picture, you dont want other people making your decisions for you, its no way to navigate. anything we are advising, we learned from the resources here first.

Did i do a bad job in responding?

what im saying is that if someone punched you in the face, you wouldnt ask them "whats wrong", or try to make them feel better. i realize she didnt punch you in the face. if you want a better analogy, you were upset she forgot your birthday, and she apologized. why tell her its cool, your birthday is just another day? im not saying pout about it either, or try to make her feel bad. be strong. be mature.

what does she want? to just keep me on the hook? does she really even care for me? does she want to fix things? why do this to me? Its all about power struggles and control with her it seems like.

deep breath whiteknight, dont overread this or get caught up in it. she felt bad about forgetting your birthday, and sometimes when a person feels bad, they put it off on the other person. its not uncommon BPDish kinda stuff. she just blew off some steam at you.

[whiteknight4152]

whiteknight, what i think you should be doing is learning the tools here, to the right of the page, and applying them. they will help you stand strong. its good to get support and feedback and we can help with that, but in the big picture, you dont want other people making your decisions for you, its no way to navigate. anything we are advising, we learned from the resources here first.

what im saying is that if someone punched you in the face, you wouldnt ask them "whats wrong", or try to make them feel better. i realize she didnt punch you in the face. if you want a better analogy, you were upset she forgot your birthday, and she apologized. why tell her its cool, your birthday is just another day? im not saying pout about it either, or try to make her feel bad. be strong. be mature.

deep breath whiteknight, dont overread this or get caught up in it. she felt bad about forgetting your birthday, and sometimes when a person feels bad, they put it off on the other person. its not uncommon BPDish kinda stuff. she just blew off some steam at you.

I just want to know where her head is at.

[whiteknight4152]

I just want to know where her head is at.

How do I best handle this situation maturely with my end game in mind?

[once removed]

let her self soothe.

[whiteknight4152]

let her self soothe.

okay... .i haven't responded yet. Is there any chance for us to be together again? or am i holding on to lost hope? ill read more of these tools to expand my knowledge.

[once removed]

one thing at a time. this is a long game. the tools will give you a better grasp for it.

[whiteknight4152]

one thing at a time. this is a long game. the tools will give you a better grasp for it.

Okay... ill read up. thank you for being here. i'll try to calm down... I can't give enough thanks for your kindness.

[whiteknight4152]

She texted me unexpectedly last night... .she said “when did you want to talk.” Then sent another message, “well if. I guess.”

I replied, give me 30 minutes.

She replied, I don’t mean to bother. It’s fine. I had a rough few days. I should get to bed.

I tried to call, she didn’t answer. I texted 30 minutes later and said you aren’t, get some rest.

She replied, I don’t understand it.

I said, ?, I tried to call.

She said, Yeah. Lots has happened. I was talking to my dad. I’m sorry.

I asked if everything was okay and she said yeah. And I was like ok. You can still call if you want. She fell asleep and texted me at 6:30 this morning saying, just woke up. I told her good morning and we exchanged a few messages then she hasn’t responded. It’s hard to carry on small talk with her when we have much bigger things to talk about. I’m VERY suprises she texted me last night. Because, I kind of said my peace, like look, I want you romantically. To hold you, and caress your body. That’s where I stand. If you want to talk cool, if not I get it. Then she messaged when do you want to talk last night... .

[once removed]

It’s hard to carry on small talk with her when we have much bigger things to talk about.

small talk gives you both some space. i understand there is a lot you would like to say to her.

try to avoid the heavy, relationship stuff for now, it will be far too much weight on this dynamic. if she brings it up, listen. tell her youd like some time to think it over and consider what shes said. then do that. we can help.