Recurring patterns of abandonment. How to reverse?

[LiveYourBestLife]

Hi,

my ex BPD partner and I officially broke up in June but since then we have had this recurring pattern where we will begin to talk again, things will be going well, then all of a sudden he will get overwhelmed and block my number with no warning.

It all started when about a month ago he messaged me saying he missed me, and we began talking. I asked to meet to talk with him or talk on the phone so we could try and address what happened between us and move forward in our relationship.

Things were well off (chatting about sweet nothings), and then when I asked to have more of a serious talk again he claimed I was suffocating him. So I tried to cool down contact but not hearing from him concerns me, so I tend to frequently check in on him something im trying to curb, and he knows I try my hardest to give him his space.

He then proceeded to blow up at me claiming that I am clingy and I annoy him and that he would never want me in his life ever again, all comments he knows are quite triggering for me (I myself suffer from attachment and abandonment issues as well as low self esteem, things I manage but no matter what it still hurts hearing this, especially from him.)

This pattern of things going well then all of a sudden falling apart has been going on all month, he will block me and unblock me, he keeps telling me to move on but then will message me saying he misses me or I will contact him and he will act like nothing happened.

He seems to be lashing out at me and projecting quite a lot, telling me I use people him my life, that im awful etc... .all things I know he feels about himself. As well as many things he says are quite contradicting, when things are fine he opens up to me saying he thinks he's evil and no one likes him and how awful his life is, but then as soon as he's mad at me he puts on a cold front saying he loves his life and doesn't want or need me.

It has gotten quite confusing, I want to be there for him and support him, and am very willing to work on rebuilding our relationship, either now or in the future (I know this will be a long process which might not happen ever or at this point in our lives.)

At this point I just don't know how to break this pattern, and Im not sure why this keeps occurring. If anyone has any insight as to why he acts this way, and how we might both be able to resolve it Id greatly appreciate any knowledge or advice!

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[pearlsw]

Hi LiveYourBestLife,

I am sorry you are experiencing this kind of push/pull behavior with your partner. Many us of here could share similar stories I'm afraid.

How long have you been together? Has this been going on the entire time?

It's "funny", at the time I didn't quite get it, he wasn't always cruel about it, but my SO was ending the relationship from the week it started! He had good reasons, issues with his ex and kids, and stress, but still... .it all just grew and grew and while the reasons kept evolving the toll on me got higher and higher.

Is he under a lot of stress? Does he feel abandoned, insecure, or extremely hurt over things? Did you ever live together?

You are right. It is not an easy pattern to break. We can all keep trying out best to sort this out, your side of it, and be there for you! You are not alone!

with compassion, pearl.

[LiveYourBestLife]

Hi LiveYourBestLife,


How long have you been together? Has this been going on the entire time?


Is he under a lot of stress? Does he feel abandoned, insecure, or extremely hurt over things? Did you ever live together?

this behaviour hasnt been going on for the entire time, though in March he pretty much hit bottom when an ex of his called him out for some emotionally abusive behaviour (things linked to his BPD) since then he has felt quite insecure, and awful about himself. Things were fine for a while until I started to get a little frustrated with him taking his feelings out on me, I wanted to simply express my feelings to him but it always seemed to result in a fight. He then ended things saying he needed some space and that this wasnt working right now. This is something else he flip flops between a lot the thought that he needs space from our relationship right now, and that we need to end things and move on. We have never lived together since he is very protective over his space, and likes a lot of alone time. Something I am okay with since I also like my own space. im quite unsure about his stress level since he is very particular about what he tells me, and a lot of times he flip flops on what he's feeling. Frequently expressing one thing then contradicting it.

[Radcliff]

I'm sorry that you have this going on when you have your own attachment/abaondonment issues to work through.  It sounds like you're trying very hard to give him space and stay balanced, but it must be terribly confusing when he says you're crowding him.  It must be hard to tell what healthy behavior is supposed to look like.

If you think about the conversations that you've tried to start that have triggered him, can you give us more detail on what you wanted to talk about that caused him to pull back?

WW

[pearlsw]

Hi LiveYourBestLife,

To follow up on what WW said, with more details we might be able to point you towards the resources that can help, or us or other members might possibly have direct experience with a similar issue and can share our thoughts.

One thing though to consider is that you might need to toss all you thought you knew about interpersonal communication and basically start from scratch using the tools here. I know. That sounds big. It kinda is!  It takes time, but by altering your approach to speaking with him, taking that on as a regular practice, you might see some changes, or at least have a better understanding of how and why things go awry. I do this pretty regularly. I think I know what I am doing, I try my best, but if it doesn't work I just start all over again from scratch with a beginner's mind.

That is sort of where I am at! Sometimes I do a good job communicating. Sometimes I don't!  Some situations are too overwhelming, unexpected, and fast-paced for me to react as well as I like. And to cut down on my own quick, and therefore not well thought out reactions, it is important to slow down! That alone is an important tool! Just slow down, look at your own emotions and move gently forward rather than let someone jump up and down on your buttons. We all have 'em!

Have you done much reading here yet? Have you read through the lessons on the right side of the board here?  
(well the green words to the right if you scroll back up!)
wishing you the best, pearl.

[LiveYourBestLife]

If you think about the conversations that you've tried to start that have triggered him, can you give us more detail on what you wanted to talk about that caused him to pull back?

At first it was me wanting to talk about what happened between us previously this year, we got into some pretty heated conversations. But it seems as though he's forgotten everything he said, he doesn't seem to think he's done anything wrong. I wanted to have a talk just so we could move past these hard feelings, so it wouldn't come up in the future. After the first few times he ran away I sort of abandoned the idea of having the conversation. Then he started to get super overwhelmed if I would try and talk to him too much, calling me clingy and suffocating.

Right now im just giving him some space, but Im not sure how to approach him again.

[Radcliff]

The classic advice is to do as you are doing, give plenty of space, and to focus on other aspects of your life so you are not feeling so urgent about the relationship.  I'm not saying give up on it, but make sure that you are getting support and have interests in other areas as well.  This helps us keep from applying too much pressure in the relationship.  How are things in the rest of your life?  Do you have friends and family who support you?  Do you have work, school, or other interests to keep you busy and engaged?  (If the answer is "not so much" in some of those areas, know that that is a pretty common starting point for many of us around here).

WW