Introduction: DIL is uBPD but is aware of anxiety and depression

[Helper323]

After many years of dealing with my child’s spouse, who exhibited signs of severe anxiety, depression, and isolating behaviors, I have finally stumbled across BPD as an explanation that resonates with my experience. My son has come very close to an emotional breaking point himself and needs a level of ‘intrusive’ support to be able to maintain any level of stability in his family. Three young children’s well-being are also at stake, all of whom are beginning to exhibit signs of being ‘highly sensitive’ in one way or another.
I believe I am a convenient target for being blamed for all manner of ‘offense’ because I am the only other consistently present person in her life besides my son. I am willing to learn, understand, and persist in being present in spite of the ‘I hate you, don’t leave me’ sentiment that has characterized our relationship.
I just watched the video describing how to get a loved one into treatment when they have no awareness of their mental illness. It was helpful and the beginning of a new way to approach rather than walking on eggshells - which has been unsuccessful at best and more damaging at worst.
Thankfully there IS awareness of a debilitating level of anxiety and depression that is paving the way for a psychiatric evaluation tomorrow. We are hoping that a lifetime history of sleep disturbance/nightmares can be addressed and that medication intervention will be helpful.
In the meantime, I would appreciate testimony of what worked for others at this stage of helping - particularly if you have learned what NOT to do at this critical stage.
Thanks for reading and hearing this part of my story.

[Harri]

Hi and welcome to the site though I am sorry for the circumstances that brought you here.  You are in a good place to learn and get support for your situation. 

My son has come very close to an emotional breaking point himself and needs a level of ‘intrusive’ support to be able to maintain any level of stability in his family.

Can you describe what you mean by 'intrusive' support?  Having a supportive family member is very important for people in relationships with pwBPD. 

We have many members who are involved romantically with a pwBPD (person with BPD) whether diagnosed or undiagnosed (uBPD) and some have made improvements in their marriages.  Certainly we offer many tools that can help you understand some of the behaviors and how best to respond.  For example:
BPD Behaviors: Extinction burst and intermittent reinforcement?
Extinction Burst - The term extinction burst describes the phenomena of behavior temporarily getting worse, not better, when the reinforcement stops.
Spontaneous Recovery - Behavior affected by extinction is apt to recur in the future when the trigger is presented again. This is known as spontaneous recovery or the transient increase in behavior. Be aware of this eventuality. It is a part of the extinction process. Don't be discouraged.
Don't JADEJADE stands for justify, argue, defend explain, or rather don't do those things when in an argument with a pwBPD.  Doing those things can make it worse and often the pwBPD will feel invalidated.  on top of that you end up feeling resentful.

Understanding the behaviors and learning better ways to communicate can help a great deal.  As you continue to post, we can make more specific recommendations for your situation.  I think the biggest thing to work on is boundaries.  How are you with establishing boundaries with your DIL?  We can help you with that too.  Boundaries can be tricky but are vital to learn.

How old are your grandkids?  Have you shared your suspicions about your DILs diagnosis with him?

Please post so we can help and let us know how things go tomorrow.  We also have two other boards that you may find helpful to read.  One is a relationship board titled Bettering a Relationship and the people who post there are all focused on using the tools we promote here and helping and supporting each other.  The other board is the Son/Daughter and Son In-law/Daughter In-law board.  The parents working on improving and coping their relationship with their kids are also very supportive and encouraging. 

Anyway, I am glad you found us and decided to post!  Welcome!

[Turkish]

I'd be interested on how the eval turns out. 

What is your contact like with your grandchildren? We have tools which can help there also. 

The Bettering Tools on the relationship board can help reduce conflict and assert boundaries.  We have most of the same tools here in the suggested reading at the top of the board, but they are all collated in one lesson here.  Tell us what you think and if they might be helpful:

Tools for communication, validation, and reinforcement of good behavior

I know it's a lot of material, maybe look at one or two to start.

[JustGMa]

Wow! I am pretty new here too and my DIL is the one with uBPD. Unlike you however, she does not acknowledge that anything is wrong with her. It is everyone else and ESPECIALLY me! She is pregnant with #2, due in December, her family lives in another state and I am taking the brunt of her anger and bad treatment. My son is currently working out of town, will be home late September, and because of her last episode I haven't spoken to her or seen my Granddaughter (who I love to death) since July. I haven't shared my suspicions of BPD with my son yet and he is so unsure of what to do I need to know how to help him!

I look forward to seeing what the outcome of your DIL's  appointment is!