Feeling guilt and a need for forgiveness although he's ignoring me

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I have been doing a lot of reading on this board as well as reading from some of the approved literature.  I just am struggling with guilt at this moment and an ongoing need to get BP's forgiveness for the way things went before he cut me off and blocked me, went silent.  

I noticed after the third month that he would often make comments that signaled a fear of abandonment.  When we met, he warned me that he does not "do relationships" because he will "end up pushing the other person away because I don't trust people".  I should have seen that as a clear red flag and ran the other way.  I did not. I am an empath and a therapist, I like to pick projects as partners.  This is my third apparently, the last one was a narcissist and the one before had a special blend of psychopath, borderline, narcissist.  I feel so much shame for sticking with this person but he told me I was different.

He said the only time he felt safe was when we were together, which I felt special hearing. And the sex was hypnotic. I am wise enough to know that relationships that start fast and the guy wants to come on strong, talking about marriage and moving in within a few months, are more than likely infatuation.   However, I sucked it up bc it felt good and I wanted to believe he was just young and eager.  

Then the control tactics started and he would come up with these wild stories that I actually think he would believe ! I could go NOWHERE without him coming around and interrogating me about who I was with and making wild accusations that I was cheating on him.  So then we broke up and decided to be friends and yet kept on with the questions and assumptions and started to throw in my face that he is "single now" and meeting people who want to be with him.  "Go be w them" I'd say, because I thought if he found someone maybe he'd back off of me.  

But last week he decided he was going to come check on me and when I told him that he could not "come upstairs to use the bathroom" because he had violated my space by not asking to come over, he hit the roof and has blocked me.  I feel so bad now. Maybe I should have just let him come upstairs ?  And what kind of man just ignores someone who is pregnant with their child !

[unitchr]

I have been doing a lot of reading on this board as well as reading from some of the approved literature.  I just am struggling with guilt at this moment and an ongoing need to get BP's forgiveness for the way things went before he cut me off and blocked me, went silent.  

I noticed after the third month that he would often make comments that signaled a fear of abandonment.  When we met, he warned me that he does not "do relationships" because he will "end up pushing the other person away because I don't trust people".  I should have seen that as a clear red flag and ran the other way.  I did not. I am an empath and a therapist, I like to pick projects as partners.  This is my third apparently, the last one was a narcissist and the one before had a special blend of psychopath, borderline, narcissist.  I feel so much shame for sticking with this person but he told me I was different.

He said the only time he felt safe was when we were together, which I felt special hearing. And the sex was hypnotic. I am wise enough to know that relationships that start fast and the guy wants to come on strong, talking about marriage and moving in within a few months, are more than likely infatuation.   However, I sucked it up bc it felt good and I wanted to believe he was just young and eager.  

Then the control tactics started and he would come up with these wild stories that I actually think he would believe ! I could go NOWHERE without him coming around and interrogating me about who I was with and making wild accusations that I was cheating on him.  So then we broke up and decided to be friends and yet kept on with the questions and assumptions and started to throw in my face that he is "single now" and meeting people who want to be with him.  "Go be w them" I'd say, because I thought if he found someone maybe he'd back off of me.  

But last week he decided he was going to come check on me and when I told him that he could not "come upstairs to use the bathroom" because he had violated my space by not asking to come over, he hit the roof and has blocked me.  I feel so bad now. Maybe I should have just let him come upstairs ?  And what kind of man just ignores someone who is pregnant with their child !

[Cromwell]

Hi Unitchr

"Maybe I should have just let him come upstairs ? "

Do you believe he just happened to need to use your bathroom and thereafter, simply leave, and there was nothing likely more to it then that?

[unitchr]

NO, I believe he wanted to 'use the bathroom' because he wanted to see who was inside of my apartment.  And because I did not clear it with him or inform him that I had visitors over, I did not want him to come in even for a second for fear that things would escalate. 

This has been an ongoing issue . He wants to know who I am with, when I am leaving, why he was not invited and then if I say I just want to have time alone or time with friends , I am "up to something" or outright "cheating or lying". 

[Cromwell]

I thought so too. Its the old "I just need to use the bathroom" ruse. Well played. Just confused why you are unsure about feeling guilty about doing this - sounds like you just stood up to some healthy boundaries and said no to his request and impromptu appearance.

Your post reminds me of a level of childish ego-centrism that my ex also had; the world revolved around her, everyone had an agenda connected to her and if she didnt feel privvy to everything, or centre stage, shed make herself as best she could.

Dont play along and its the equivalent of a tantrum, the 'adult' version is sulking and not speaking anymore.

Your post triggered some memories of just how much hard work all of that has been. Well done sticking to your values, I cant yet rationalise anything youve said that you  should have more than; zero, zilch, nada to feel guilty about, but its easy to be induced into feeling that way when you observe that level of passive aggressive tactics in response to just asserting yourself - expressing yourself, and not pandering to every demand expected.

[JNChell]

Unitchr, hello. Thanks for your story. You seem really pissed of to be blunt. Being pissed off is ok. It’s good to feel this way at times. I’m sorry that you had to find this place, but very glad that you did.

 I just am struggling with guilt at this moment and an ongoing need to get BP's forgiveness for the way things went before he cut me off and blocked me, went silent.

I, and many of us here have felt this. Are you feeling panick? It’s ok if you are. These relationships can leave us reeling. Almost paralyzed. The thing is, is that you made it here. We’re here to help you along.

You desire the forgiveness of your ex. If you’re comfortable in sharing, why do you feel that your SO should forgive you.

Guilt is a very difficult thing to deal with. I am confident in saying that every member on this board has dealt with guilt. We know about it.

I should have seen that as a clear red flag and ran the other way.

Being a therapist, your profession often times deals with helping others deal with their emotions and difficult situations. Don’t be hard on yourself. My sister is a clinician and ended up with a very charming narcissist for 7 years. I am by no means trying to minimize your situation. I’m just trying to help you decompress a bit.

Our feelings can certainly trump a red flag, can’t they. Passion and intensity, yeah? And with you being a therapist, is it possible that this person showed great interest in what you do? Maybe even some knowledge. I’m purely speculating, so please put me back in my place where it’s relevant.

I like to pick projects as partners.

I know that you’re hurting, and as emotional as you feel, this is a very wise observation. You know, we throw around different terminology and have even come up with our own slang around here.

At the end of the day, we chose these people for a reason. You’re a clinician. I’m a blue collar worker. What brought us here to this meeting point? I’d have to guess that the reason is similar.

He said the only time he felt safe was when we were together, which I felt special hearing. And the sex was hypnotic. I am wise enough to know that relationships that start fast and the guy wants to come on strong, talking about marriage and moving in within a few months, are more than likely infatuation.   However, I sucked it up bc it felt good and I wanted to believe he was just young and eager.  

You’re hurting, and missing a physical aspect. Sometimes I don’t know which is harder to let go of. The physical and the emotional part become so enmeshed. In times of loneliness, I miss the emotional side of my relationship. But, to be honest, the emotional side wasn’t there. The physical side ? In the beginning? Holy ___! As time progressed, that side showed it’s face a few more times.

Is it accurate to say that this male is younger than you? If so, by how many years?

And what kind of man just ignores someone who is pregnant with their child !

Ok. You’re pregnant by this guy? What is the next step?

[mama-wolf]

Hi unitchr, and welcome to bpdfamily!

You have been through a difficult and tumultuous six months... .you have not had a chance to recover from your prior relationship with the person you described as a narcissist, and now this.  I am sure the first pregnancy, the miscarriage, and now another pregnancy are also adding a whole new dimension to the emotional roller coaster.

First and foremost, what are you doing to take care of yourself right now?  Being pregnant takes a lot out of us, and it's critical to get proper rest, nutrition, and healthy exercise.  Not only for the pregnancy, but also to make sure you have the emotional capacity to deal with everything that's coming at you.

It sounds like you have a lot of regrets about choices you have made, but you also make it sound like you're taking responsibility for your ex's feelings and behaviors.  He is responsible for that--not you.  He must respect your boundaries, and if he gets upset about it then it is not up to you to apologize or make him feel better.

I'm probably telling you things you already know, but it can help to hear it from multiple outside sources.  You mentioned that you have started seeing a therapist.  What guidance has that person offered so far?  How are you taking that in?  And as a therapist yourself, what would you say to a client in your shoes?

But last week he decided he was going to come check on me and when I told him that he could not "come upstairs to use the bathroom" because he had violated my space by not asking to come over, he hit the roof and has blocked me.  I feel so bad now. Maybe I should have just let him come upstairs ?  And what kind of man just ignores someone who is pregnant with their child !

Take a closer look at this in particular.  He violated your boundaries.  You enforced your boundaries.  He got angry and blocked you, and now you feel bad?  Do you feel bad because you think you actually did something wrong, or do you feel bad because you feel mistreated and alone?  As far as all his other crazy-making and accusations, you know they're not true.  And since you know they're not true, you know there's nothing for you to feel bad about.  Don't internalize his warped perceptions and controlling tactics.

This is a time to really focus on what you need and want, and to make sure you maintain healthy boundaries to protect your well-being.  I'm not just talking physical safety... .you're going to have to protect yourself from questioning your self-worth, and from doubting your decisions to keep yourself away from the damaging influence of people like your exes.

And as JNChell asked... .what is the next step?  How much is this guy going to be a part of your life and your future child's life?  What can you do to protect yourself... .now and in the future?  I know the prospect of having a child can be overwhelming in the best of circumstances, so what kind of support network do you have?  What kind of support network can you build for yourself over the coming months?  What options are you considering with regards to the pregnancy?  (I know that can be a hot button topic, but I'm just trying to highlight that there are multiple options to consider.)

We're here for you... .keep us posted.  You are not alone.

mw

[unitchr]

Hi unitchr, and welcome to bpdfamily!

You have been through a difficult and tumultuous six months... .you have not had a chance to recover from your prior relationship with the person you described as a narcissist, and now this.  I am sure the first pregnancy, the miscarriage, and now another pregnancy are also adding a whole new dimension to the emotional roller coaster.

First and foremost, what are you doing to take care of yourself right now?  Being pregnant takes a lot out of us, and it's critical to get proper rest, nutrition, and healthy exercise.  Not only for the pregnancy, but also to make sure you have the emotional capacity to deal with everything that's coming at you.

It sounds like you have a lot of regrets about choices you have made, but you also make it sound like you're taking responsibility for your ex's feelings and behaviors.  He is responsible for that--not you.  He must respect your boundaries, and if he gets upset about it then it is not up to you to apologize or make him feel better.

I'm probably telling you things you already know, but it can help to hear it from multiple outside sources.  You mentioned that you have started seeing a therapist.  What guidance has that person offered so far?  How are you taking that in?  And as a therapist yourself, what would you say to a client in your shoes?

Take a closer look at this in particular.  He violated your boundaries.  You enforced your boundaries.  He got angry and blocked you, and now you feel bad?  Do you feel bad because you think you actually did something wrong, or do you feel bad because you feel mistreated and alone?  As far as all his other crazy-making and accusations, you know they're not true.  And since you know they're not true, you know there's nothing for you to feel bad about.  Don't internalize his warped perceptions and controlling tactics.

This is a time to really focus on what you need and want, and to make sure you maintain healthy boundaries to protect your well-being.  I'm not just talking physical safety... .you're going to have to protect yourself from questioning your self-worth, and from doubting your decisions to keep yourself away from the damaging influence of people like your exes.

And as JNChell asked... .what is the next step?  How much is this guy going to be a part of your life and your future child's life?  What can you do to protect yourself... .now and in the future?  I know the prospect of having a child can be overwhelming in the best of circumstances, so what kind of support network do you have?  What kind of support network can you build for yourself over the coming months?  What options are you considering with regards to the pregnancy?  (I know that can be a hot button topic, but I'm just trying to highlight that there are multiple options to consider.)

We're here for you... .keep us posted.  You are not alone.

mw

Hi Mama-wolf and others who have taken the time to respond in kind to me.  Its been a rough couple days.  In terms of the pregnancy, I am going to the doctor on Thursday and a mutual friend of mine and xBP has communicated to me that he (BP) "knows of the situation and doubts that it's even his because he says you cheated on him the whole time you were together so he says if you want to have the baby, to take a paternity test when its born and then contact him . Til then... .leave him alone".

I have such trouble with this... .KNOWING that I never cheated.  KNOWING that this person made future promises and after the first pregnancy, looked me in the eyes and said "baby, don't worry. We can try again" . And now, because I asserted my boundaries and showed that I am being negatively impacted by his dissociative rage episodes and have started to pull away, he BLOCKS ME ?

I just feel so sad, still. And I do not want to raise a child alone. However, I know that since he has convinced himself that I am a liar, a cheat, a prostitute and a drug addict- to allow him anywhere near me would probably only stress me out which would not help my child.

In terms of taking care of myself... .I do a good job with that.  My job is working a lot with domestic abuse victims and perps (ironic right) so I have learned that taking care of me is important.  I am re-reading the book "Women who love psychopaths" and doing the FACTS IN THE FACE technique that my counselor taught me. I made a list of all of the crazy stuff he accused me of and all of the qualities about him as a person that I find intolerable.  (impulsive spending, drug addiction, rage episodes, no clear path in a career etc) and I have been looking at that list when I want to reach out. 

I have also been doing yoga, eating well, reaching out to friends and looking to this community to help myself. Here is where I am hitting a snag. I still have compassion for HIM !  I have read that out of all of the cluster B personality disorders, BPD is one where a person can actually experience some growth.  And following his most volatile moments I have heard him admit that he has a problem. Then he shames me for not "sticking with" him and going with him to counseling so that he can work on his problem.  I remind him that his thinking, his feelings are HIS to work on.  And I said that after we were both in some individual counseling for some time, maybe couples would be an option.  He never followed up on that. 

I just imagine him now, with his new supply.  He always wanted to see MY phone and always accused ME of cheating and that makes me feel like he may have been grooming a number of women before this last week and so now he could not care less about me, about this pregnancy or anything bc he's back in the idealize phase with someone new.  I was even shown from a friend, that he had a Tinder and Bumble dating app profile going the day following when he showed up at my place... .and there were pictures of US in his photos where he crossed out my face. I was so disgusted by that. 

[SerendipityChild]

I made a list of all of the crazy stuff he accused me of and all of the qualities about him as a person that I find intolerable.  (impulsive spending, drug addiction, rage episodes, no clear path in a career etc) and I have been looking at that list when I want to reach out. 

I can relate- your list is exactly the same as mine. And I felt like an enabler for a very long time. When he was high everything was beautiful and fantastic. But the lows are just horrible. Each time I wasn't able to text back right away warrants a fight when I got home. The more I learn about BPD here along with the chaos and heartaches it creates the more I feel better about having NC.
I do feel for you especially because of your current condition. I can just imagine the pain of having to go through all these while pregnant. I am sure you know what is best for you and please take care of yourself.