A test of my resiliency

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I just posted an update to a two-year-old thread, and I realized too late that this would mean that people would have to read through the whole thread to get to the update. Let me try it this way.

The original thread was about a very triggering incident in which I was abruptly dropped by a mutual friend of me and my ex. Here is that thread, if you're curious.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=298173.0

The basic facts are that I had failed to respond to an email she sent me--just forgotten to, or maybe never came up with the right words, and then her email migrated to the bottom of my inbox and was lost. There was some cooling from her, which I didn't understand at the time, and then suddenly a communication in which she ended our friendship--giving no explanation other than the unanswered email of a few months earlier.

I have continued to think about this friend from time to time, and I miss her a lot. I'm still confused about what happened. I just sent her the following email:

It's been a while now, and I thought I'd send up a flare to let you know I'm still here, thinking of you and happy to talk about what happened between us. Or to not talk about it, if that's what you'd prefer, but to learn how you are doing. I know both of us were going through difficult emotional times a few years ago. Maybe you feel differently now about me, and our friendship. I hope so, because I miss you.

On some levels not much has changed with me since we last communicated--and yet I feel like I've learned a lot: about myself, and what it takes to move on and live in the present. Still working on it, of course. I write to you now because I know I can live with the possible (even probable) outcome that I won't hear back. That's part of what I've worked on. I truly hope you are well and happy.

I really think I'm okay with either outcome. We'll see. I hope I am. I wanted to put this here on the Learning board because I realized this situation is very much a test of what I've learned.

[steelwork]

I just posted an update to a two-year-old thread, and I realized too late that this would mean that people would have to read through the whole thread to get to the update. Let me try it this way.

The original thread was about a very triggering incident in which I was abruptly dropped by a mutual friend of me and my ex. Here is that thread, if you're curious.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=298173.0

The basic facts are that I had failed to respond to an email she sent me--just forgotten to, or maybe never came up with the right words, and then her email migrated to the bottom of my inbox and was lost. There was some cooling from her, which I didn't understand at the time, and then suddenly a communication in which she ended our friendship--giving no explanation other than the unanswered email of a few months earlier.

I have continued to think about this friend from time to time, and I miss her a lot. I'm still confused about what happened. I just sent her the following email:

It's been a while now, and I thought I'd send up a flare to let you know I'm still here, thinking of you and happy to talk about what happened between us. Or to not talk about it, if that's what you'd prefer, but to learn how you are doing. I know both of us were going through difficult emotional times a few years ago. Maybe you feel differently now about me, and our friendship. I hope so, because I miss you.

On some levels not much has changed with me since we last communicated--and yet I feel like I've learned a lot: about myself, and what it takes to move on and live in the present. Still working on it, of course. I write to you now because I know I can live with the possible (even probable) outcome that I won't hear back. That's part of what I've worked on. I truly hope you are well and happy.

I really think I'm okay with either outcome. We'll see. I hope I am. I wanted to put this here on the Learning board because I realized this situation is very much a test of what I've learned.

[Insom]

HI, steelwork!     This is a nice/thoughtful attempt at wrapping up a relationship loose-end that sounds as if it's bothered you for awhile.  I can relate to feeling confused by the beginnings and endings that go along with a relationship's demise. 

I really think I'm okay with either outcome. We'll see. I hope I am. I wanted to put this here on the Learning board because I realized this situation is very much a test of what I've learned.

What are the potential outcomes you see?

[steelwork]

The potential outcomes I was thinking of were:

silence
not-silence

Though of course the "not-silence" option can be further divided into warm/neutral/hostile response. I think I'm ready for any of them.

[Insom]

It sounds like this was a relationship that mattered a lot to you and that you're being thoughtful about what to expect. Would you like to say more about what was special about it?

Also, how do you feel about cutting yourself some slack re: the triggering email?  I'm sure you know this . . .  it's not unusual for a couple's mutual friends to slide away or gravitate toward one or the other after a breakup because change is hard on everyone and it can feel confusing to relate to people individually after you've connected primarily as a couple.

[steelwork]

Thanks, insom, for staying with me on this.

To your point: The friend didn't know us as a couple, exactly. We were all three students together and, unbeknownst to her at the time, our mutual friend and I were having an affair. She's one of the few people I told about it, and that was only after we had known each other for a few years. Each of us--she, he, and I--now live in different cities. I think it's possible that she felt she had to choose, and that she chose him, but I don't think that entirely explains her actions.

She really was going through a lot of changes in her life when our friendship unravelled. I've come to suspect it had very little to do with me. But then that's something I've learned from this experience: you can't assume you know what's going on in anyone's head.

She is/was dear to me. I don't know how to explain it. We supported each other as artists, and went through some intense experiences together, and I really thought at the time that I'd made a lifelong friend. Maybe not a talk-on-the-phone-every-day friend, but when you get to my age, you don't have a lot of those.

Probing a little deeper, I do have a lot of feels about saying goodbye/losing people. I had a peripatetic childhood and young adulthood, lost a parent at a young age (already had been released from custody by the other at an even younger age), and have had to say goodbye many times over to people and places that felt like they were core to who I am.

I haven't heard back from her yet. I don't really expect to.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey steelwork, You put that email well.  I find that I get stressed out when trying to control things that are out of my control, so I find it works better for me if I let go of the outcome.  I would suggest that now it's time for you to let go of the outcome, too.

LJ

[steelwork]

Thanks, LJ. I suppose my feeling of being okay with whatever outcome is not that different from letting go of the outcome, or of a desire to control an outcome that’s out of my control. Do you see a difference?

[Lucky Jim]

Hey steel, That's great.  No, I think you've got it covered.  BTW, is there any reason for you to think that your friend suffers from BPD?  Or is it just that she dropped you in order to side with your Ex?  LJ

[steelwork]

Hey steel, That's great.  No, I think you've got it covered.  BTW, is there any reason for you to think that your friend suffers from BPD?  Or is it just that she dropped you in order to side with your Ex?  LJ

Actually, I hadn't thought of this friend in terms of BPD... .if you look back at that old thread you'll see that I was shaken by what happened with her because of the then-more-recent experience with the man we both knew, who did seem to show strong traits of BPD throughout our relationship. And, as my therapist has helped me see, narcissistic traits as well. (He engaged my sympathy so strongly that the impulsiveness and abandonment fears and other BPD hallmarks were easier for me to see.)

And again, I don't know that she dropped me to side with my ex. I don't even know if she was then still in touch with him.

The relevance for this forum, to me--then as now--was the way this experience triggered so many strong emotions in me that reminded me of the emotional turmoil of the breakup. Does that make sense?

[Insom]

This is a beautiful testament to your friendship, steelwork.  As an introvert who has also placed significant value on my friendships with women, I can relate very much to the warmth and support you've described here.  It's hard when close friends leave. 

I really thought at the time that I'd made a lifelong friend.  Maybe not a talk-on-the-phone-every-day friend, but when you get to my age, you don't have a lot of those.

The capacity to form close friendships is a lifelong thing!  FWIW, one of my dearest friends is one I made in the last decade - I'm in my forties and he is in his seventies - and while we don't talk every day we check in biweekly or so just to catch up.  My friendship with him has a different quality than those I've had with female friends.  It feels caring in a paternal way.

Probing a little deeper, I do have a lot of feels about saying goodbye/losing people. I had a peripatetic childhood and young adulthood, lost a parent at a young age (already had been released from custody by the other at an even younger age), and have had to say goodbye many times over to people and places that felt like they were core to who I am. 

Yes, I can also relate with this for different (though probably similar) reasons.  One thing that's helped me a lot in the last year is getting into therapy with someone I trust which has helped me lower my expectations and feelings of attachment to female friends whom I've historically found disappointing.  The extra support has helped me feel more independent and complete.  I care, but differently.   

The relevance for this forum, to me--then as now--was the way this experience triggered so many strong emotions in me that reminded me of the emotional turmoil of the breakup. Does that make sense?

Yes, it makes all kinds of sense.  Do you have ideas about how the two are linked?

[steelwork]

Do you have ideas about how the two are linked?

They were linked because... .

- I knew these two people from the same milieu (the tiny graduate program).
- I was raw from rejection by one person, then rejected again.
- Both rejections came suddenly, unexpectedly, electronically, and unilaterally--with no room for me to be part of the process. In other words, out of my control.
- In both cases, I was blamed in ways that I could not sort out. Sense of reality being challenged. It didn't make sense according to what I thought had transpired. My natural tendency to take on responsibility went into high gear, and I had a similar autonomic response of racing heart, insomnia, dissociation, disbelief, flooding sorrow.
- I was in the middle of a several-year-long process of coming to terms with the ways --both literal and metaphorical--that I'd been abandoned by each of my parents.

[steelwork]

But I came here with an update. The friend wrote back after a few days! I heard from her last night. She did not exactly apologize (nor did I ask her to), but she did say, "I was immature to end our friendship like that." I get the sense she doesn't want to go over what happened, which is fine with me. She said she looked forward to reconnecting.

I'm very happy now that I reached out.

[Insom]

Oh, wow!  Thanks for the update, steelwork!  I know you took a risk by reaching out and would have been OK with a range of outcomes, but am super-happy to hear you got this positive message back. 

This is the outcome you most hoped for, right? 

[steelwork]

Yes, it was what I hoped would happen! Yes, a risk that paid off.