Letting Go and Getting Smacked. Sneaking Away, and Getting Crushed.

[Clever Name]

Letting go is hard... .terrifying, and I don't understand why I can't do it.

Wife and I worked together for a while. She hated her job, and I started doing her job for her, just to try and make it easier for her.

We had a rocky run in our marriage, and I thought we fixed it. She got pregnant, finally quit her job. I thought everything was coming together.

Instead, she was falling in love with the gardener at home while I was at work, finishing up her old job while still trying to do mine.

Baby came, and things got awful. It was my fault that the boss man didn't roll her salary into mine. It was my fault I didn't get home in time each day, even though I was trying to carry  more hours. It was my fault we didn't have the things in our home we needed. It was my fault my family didn't like her more. It was my fault that I wasn't a carpenter and able to fix everything (like the gardener could).

Over the years, I had been conditioned.  If I made a mistake, sex was off the table that day. It I made a mistake, she'd been mad for the next 18 hours. I spent my entire life at home trying to make her happy and not make a mistake. I convinced myself that if I could just get her into a job/volunteership/workout routine that anything would start to improve.

With the baby, I just tried everything harder. I got up earlier to walk the dog, I got up in the middle of the night to feed the baby, I skipped lunch to work.

She had a birthday party, and screamed me up and down. I was late. The keg was late (because of me). She was in a bad mood, because of me. Never mind I set up everything.  The gardner came.

Next day, she kicked me out of the bedroom and said she was doing some thinking, but that she loved me. One hellacious week.  She was at me that I got the baby to nap and gave her an afternoon to herself.

She invited me home, lovingly, and told me that she was leaving me. She had feelings for the gardener. Not one of my finest moments.

A year later, she continues to try and blister me for daring to have a life outside of her.  We've been trying to be around our child together so we can watch him grow. She's treating this like a reorganization of a relationship. This was the person I loved the most of anyone in my life.

For a long while, the emotional proximity was soothing, and it felt like it teetered on the brink of possible reconciliation. If gas lighting ever led to the Zeppelin blowing up, that's what this was.

She was handling the gardener's tool the whole time, and he was tending her butterfly garden. Though to this day, she maintains it's not a relationship. They're just close friends. Practically intertwined, I say.

We had a mutual friend, a lady, who I'd known for years. Whenever I dared to hang out with this single mom for any kind of emotional support, I'd get yelled back into the stone age, because "something might be happening."  Never mind (though I hadn't accepted it yet) something was definitely happening - just not with me.

I realized that I had no friends, I was asking her for permission to go out, and she wanted full reports on everywhere that I'd been. If I finally just didn't tell her where I'd been, and she found out, I was betraying our relationship.

To make it all better, the gardener's wife was rather upset and targeted my wife. My wife demanded that I support her against all of this retaliation.

To wit, she surrounded me with presents, apologies, pointed out how much her family still liked me, cooked food, swore she missed me, kept telling me I was more important to her than the other guy. I'd fall for it, thinking that something good was just around the corner. Then we'd go to a movie, and dinner, and hang out and watch TV.

Then I'd find the passenger car seat pushed way back, or find a change of clothes in a place that made it clear she hadn't changed clothes at home - and we'd be off again.

Finally, when I accepted it, and started to but out on my own, I went on a couple of dates. That didn't go over well. She screamed. Is still screaming. Said I didn't love her, that taking anyone to dinner was cheap affection. Said I was trying to hurt her. Said that was money that didn't go to our son, and that I wasn't taking care of him.

And she'd get furious if I told anyone that she was romantically involved with the gardener.

When I write this all out, it seems horrible reading back over it. I miss my friends. I miss being happy.

She bought a house recently. After I finally hammered her on the idea that the gardener's mere presence was extremely hurtful, I don't care if you're just friends or not, she hired him to renovate her new house.

But why is it so hard to walk away from this person who does this?

At some level, I want to get along with the mother of my child. But I don't want to take a family vacation if it doesn't really feel like a family.

Now she talks about how depressed she is, and she really needs me, and she loves me. I'm not a full blown sucker anymore. She still gets mad/sad whenever I don't take her to events. It leaves me feeling like I have to pick between this miserable life where I do get to see my son most days (we have a flex schedule), but have to be subjugated to this non-relationship she's in (she did stop wearing her mother's day ring she got from him).  Or, accept seeing my son a lot less, and hearing her shrieks about my not being there.

Why is it so hard for me to see that I could just be happy? I can write it, why can't I see it? It's so challenging, and I would be lying if I said knowing I can call her brings me some emotional comfort, but I'm starting to hate the price I have to pay for that.

Thank you all in advance, and I look forward to getting to know you.

[Clever Name]

1) That was more verbose than I meant it to be.

2)I hope I'm in the right group. 

[Mutt]

Hi Clever Name,

Or, accept seeing my son a lot less, and hearing her shrieks about my not being there.

I wouldn’t suggest sacrificing time with your soon because of her mood. This could back fire later with a judge if it becomes a norm the the judge may grant you less time with him. How old is your son.

I can’t give you a clear answer why it’s so hard to leave, it can be scary thinking about starting all over again and finding someone new. You can g come complacent better to be someone even if it’s nit good for you then being by yourself.

A break up is not always a clean break there could be a lot of mini break ups until the final the break up. We all have our limits you have to reach yours.

[Clever Name]

Thanks, that's a good thought about setting precedent or norms. I need to look into that and make sure I don't shoot myself in the foot.

I think it is like a bunch of mini breaks.  It's hard to un-entangle our lives. 

The narcissism makes it hard for me to talk about myself to her, and she can't understand why I don't want to spend time with her, which in turn makes it harder to break. 

[SerendipityChild]

1) That was more verbose than I meant it to be.

2)I hope I'm in the right group. 

No such thing as verbose in this site. Writing it all down helps. It's a great outlet and you will find a lot of people here who can actually support and feel your pain. Going through the process of letting go takes time. Let it take its course. That is all what I have been doing. Feeling every emotion and accepting things as they are. Cry and scream if you have to- it's a good release.

[Mutt]

Going through the process of letting go takes time. Let it take its course.

I agree.

The narcissism makes it hard for me to talk about myself to her, and she can't understand why I don't want to spend time with her, which in turn makes it harder to break.

I relate with this I know that it’s hard someone has narcissistic traits my dad is like that he just keeps talking about himself it’s draining, I don’t feel like being around him because it’s just me, me, me.

Since I’ve been on the site I’ve looked at him in a different way he just wants attention he feels bad about himself so he has to lower the value of the people around him and increase his value it’s sad. I used to JADE with him because I wouldn’t agree with his point of view and I’d try to convince him otherwise which would leave me angry and frustrated.

I can’t change his point of view because he’s programmed in a predictable way he doesn’t want to change all of that belongs to him he is who he is.

Maybe you can use something that will help you from what I shared with you but getting back to you  What do you mean here?

and she can't understand why I don't want to spend time with her, which in turn makes it harder to break.

What happens if you don’t give her the attention that she’s looking for? Can you be specific with what makes it hard to break?

[Cat Familiar]

It’s hard to let go of a relationship you’ve invested in.     The heart has a different timetable than the intellect.

You tried to make her life better, and thought things were improving, though unbeknownst to you she was pursuing the gardener. She blamed you for everything under the sun and now wants the perks of a family while still carrying on her affair.

You’ve tried to provide a family atmosphere for your son, but it seems absurd to vacation as a family when you’re estranged from your son’s mother. You want to get along with her, and you want to maintain access to your son, but the current status is too fraught.

Woe betide you should you have a friendship with a woman, yet she feels free to carry on her affair regardless of the hurt it causes the gardener’s wife.

What is your legal status with her? How can you envision maintaining a connection with her for your son while not being emotionally manipulated by her?