Contact my Ex's Ex?

[jukeboxhero]

I'm new to this board, recently left the bettering/reversing breakup board. I've just had the final discard and been split black. I was initially friends, then romantically involved with my expwBPD. I was first friends with her, then became friends with her now ex-husband. After they split, I kinda had to choose a side, and I chose her. Of course, it helped that she was lying and playing the victim. Now, I see things for what they truly were, she had me lined up as a replacement.

I was thinking about reaching out to her ex-husband. I was given the advice that it would be a bad idea because our connection was my expwBPD. He was a genuinely good friend to me when they were together. Would contacting him aid or impede my detaching and recovery? Thoughts?

Also, I have no idea how he would react to knowing that her and I got together. We never actually went all the way though, just made out.

[Mutt]

HI jukeboxhero,

There’s a good chance that he knows why you chose her over him, how good we’re as friends? If you’re friends he’ll probably understand and he knows what she’s like if he’s the exH. That being said do you just need someone to talk to about your expwBPD? Is she diagnosed with BPD? Does he know about it?

[jukeboxhero]

We were good friends, not particularly emotionally close though. We hung out just the 2 of us without the pwBPD. I have plenty of other people to talk to about it, but no one as close as him and her were. I don't know if she's diagnosed. She knows what BPD is, we talked about it alot, because ironically it's my usual type and we used to talk about it. I was oblivious to her having it because she's so high functioning. I have no idea what he knows.

[Mutt]

He may talk to you he may not things may stay the same. You’re re not with your expwBPD What do you have to lose by reaching out to him? If you don’t try you’ll never know.

[jukeboxhero]

I guess I'm afraid that he'll be angry at me, and I'll feel ashamed and guilty. (I didn't even know they were having problems until they separated, and he told me first.) Also, I'm concerned that he's still communicating with her and it would just cause more drama.

[Mutt]

If it’s not going to help you but hinder you in your recovery then I agree I don’t think that it’s a good idea to contact him.

Watch out for yourself. Do you have something urgent to tell him you can always change your mind later on when you feel better. Taking care of yourself is your number 1 priority.