BPD ex ignoring me... what to do?

[Lsmw88]

Well, I think this may be a long story but when isn’t it with a BPD ex?

We were togtethwr three years and for the most of it in love but she said towards the end it was to codependent even though most of this was her creation. She constantly wanted more. I moved in with her because she couldn’t do long distance. And then that wasn’t enough she wanted to get married. She wouldn’t move with me with my job because it’s as all about me apparently even though I worked fifty hour weeks and paid all the bills did all the house work to support her. I felt like nothing was good enough at points but then she’s switchand bw loving and thankful. She wasn’t always awful at all but she could always be self centred, much more than I was. But she has a lot of positive traits.
She cheated on me about three months before the split which broke my heart as she always swore she wouldn’t and I believed her. In the aftermath she told me she’d never cheated on someone she loved and didn’t understand why she’d done it.


In the beginning she was remorseful  but then I was never going to ‘get over it’. She swung between highly rational, understanding and intuitive to irrational, selfish to the highest degree and fickle. The last three months after the cheating were hellish because she couldn’t seem to work out what she wanted.

We moved out of our place and I moved back home as I didn’t think long distance would work and (at this point) she had deceived she couldn’t do a relationship and work on herself. When I went she was sobbing and saying how much she missed me, talked about me moving back and getting a place. Then in a matter of a week she switched and was barely talking to me and didn’t want to see me. We met up and she finished it finally. Fast forward three weeks we met up and she acted cold at first but eventually said that she did love me but needed to work on herself. We both sobbed.

The contact was getting less and less when I moved back home. I couldn’t handle this so went no contact. I contacted her after about three and a half weeks and we agreed to meet up. She was stand offish yet flirty yet talking about other guys that were interested to the point I found it disrespectful. I didn’t feel like a person anymore and after the cheating she become more and more self involved, rarely asking questions about me. So I went no contact yet again. I broke that again when drunk about five weeks later. Asking for a favour. She responded and was chatty and talking about a recent diagnosis of me and fibromyalgia. She said at the end ‘speak soon’
Five days later I  said it was visiting the area and asked her if she wanted to meet as she’d said last time we met about meeting up and to text her. She never even read the message. So I messaged her five days later saying no pressure and you can say no that’s fine. No reply. Called her a. Week later. No answer and text her again about five days after that really cheery explaining why I had messaged and that o hope she was okay as I knew she wasn’t well... .she read this message but didn’t reply and has been on and off line since... .

So my question is is she playing games or not interested? She always said she wanted to sort herself out and hoped there was a future for us but I’m beginning to feel it was all a lie. However she has ignored me previously saying her feelings were too intense. She’s not deleted any photos of us on Facebook and with all her other ex’s she did when they split almost straight away as there is no trace of them on there.
The more she ignores me the more I want to know why but I know bombarding her is not a good idea.

The more she ignores me the more I want to know why but I know bombarding her is not a good idea.

Any advice please? I’ve worked on myself a lot, and apart from the initial break up I wouldn’t say I’ve been needy I just feel like she’s changed a lot from the person I knew and is turning into ‘the old her’ evening saying she doesn’t really like it.
Perhaps I’m really being discarded?

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[once removed]

hi Lsmw88, and

i was also in a three year relationship, that ended traumatically, and i was desperate for answers as to what was in her head, and what to do. i feel your pain. we can help.

The more she ignores me the more I want to know why but I know bombarding her is not a good idea.

it isnt. each time i wanted to reach out, friends and family wisely talked me down. im grateful even to this day.

pursuing when someone isnt responding to us just doesnt work... .it doesnt feel good to be ignored, either.

its hard to say whats in her head. you mentioned that the contact had become less and less lately. this is fairly typical when a relationship ends and both partners are still in some contact, and someone who is feeling unresolved about it will tend to push for more, and yet, receive less.

it doesnt sound like the two of you are on bad terms, and you havent gotten desperate or gone overboard, so i think if you step away from continuing to reach out, this may sort out.

theres a lot of hurt here, with her having cheated, not really owned it, and putting some of the blame on you. thats going to take some time and work to heal from regardless of what happens.

so what would you like to see happen with her? get back together? be friends? just get some answers/closure?

[Lsmw88]

Hi Once removed and thank you for your response,

I’ve being doing a lot of work on myself and getting healthy ( I’ve had bad anxiety and vitamin deficiencies). I’m exercising and meeting new people and felt like I was progressing but after texting her and being ghosted feel very depressed and worthless. Similar to the feelings after the cheating. I couldn’t look in the mirror for months without thinking how ugly I was.

In my heart of hearts I want us to work things out because of the connection we had but I don’t know if everything I thought was real was a lie and whether she’s already moved on and there’s no going back. I just wish she’d get therapy/DBT.

[once removed]

I’ve being doing a lot of work on myself and getting healthy ( I’ve had bad anxiety and vitamin deficiencies). I’m exercising and meeting new people and felt like I was progressing

this is very important. possibly the most important step, and i cant stress that enough. in this situation, its really easy to feel powerless and helpless, and in desperate times, we often go with desperate measures. desperate measures wont help, they arent your friend.

we encourage everyone in "Reversing a Breakup" mode to do some level of grieving the old iteration of the relationship, and consider it over. because if there is going to be a new iteration of the relationship, we need to go in with a very different plan and approach.

in order to do that, we have to reach a level of healing (often our partners do too), and our partners are in no position to give that to us, or help us with it. otherwise the old hurts, distrust, baggage, will resurface, the patterns will return, and when things go bad, the heartbreak may be even worse. its a tall order. dont expect to be all the way there quickly, be self aware and have reasonable expectations.

use this time to do those things. dive straight into the tools and lessons to the right of the board. ask questions about what youre learning. and make yourself a part of the family, help others. a strong support system and some sense of belonging to a community are really critical, and i know that even though im long out of my relationship, i learn lessons from it to this day, from helping others.

beyond that, if you havent already, it would be a good idea to see a doctor, and/or a therapist. i know in the aftermath of my relationship, my anxiety was really extreme, i was out of control. getting emotionally grounded, as well as doing the hard work (really hard work) of doing those healthy activities, surround yourself with loved ones, is really critical.

when and if you hear from her, youll be in a far stronger place.

I just wish she’d get therapy/DBT.

is she diagnosed?

[Lsmw88]

this is very important. possibly the most important step, and i cant stress that enough. in this situation, its really easy to feel powerless and helpless, and in desperate times, we often go with desperate measures. desperate measures wont help, they arent your friend.

we encourage everyone in "Reversing a Breakup" mode to do some level of grieving the old iteration of the relationship, and consider it over. because if there is going to be a new iteration of the relationship, we need to go in with a very different plan and approach.

in order to do that, we have to reach a level of healing (often our partners do too), and our partners are in no position to give that to us, or help us with it. otherwise the old hurts, distrust, baggage, will resurface, the patterns will return, and when things go bad, the heartbreak may be even worse. its a tall order. dont expect to be all the way there quickly, be self aware and have reasonable expectations.

use this time to do those things. dive straight into the tools and lessons to the right of the board. ask questions about what youre learning. and make yourself a part of the family, help others. a strong support system and some sense of belonging to a community are really critical, and i know that even though im long out of my relationship, i learn lessons from it to this day, from helping others.

beyond that, if you havent already, it would be a good idea to see a doctor, and/or a therapist. i know in the aftermath of my relationship, my anxiety was really extreme, i was out of control. getting emotionally grounded, as well as doing the hard work (really hard work) of doing those healthy activities, surround yourself with loved ones, is really critical.

when and if you hear from her, youll be in a far stronger place.

is she diagnosed?

Yes, she was diagnosed with emotional unstable personality ‘traits’ she said she doenst believe it and thinks she has bipolar but won’t take medication. I think she knows deep down she has BPD but she doesn’t want to admit it because of the stigma surrounding it.

I am doing things to better myself but it takes time and a hell of a lot o strength. I need to stop checking her social media. I do really well with that for so long then I slip up. Do they ever reach out really though? Doesn’t seem to me like they do.

[once removed]

well, the question is, will she reach out.

i frame it that way because if you try to predict her behavior through generalities, its likely to trip you up. borderline personality disorder (or emotionally unstable personality) are a personality style, and there are commonalities, but there are so many different variables and flavors. the internet lore often mucks this up. for instance, one of my longest, dearest, closest friends has BPD traits, has never broken a heart, and her and i never have any conflict.

i also mention that because given your history and your circumstances, (while i cant predict the future) i think its reasonably likely that she will reach out. again, youre not on bad terms. her last words were "speak soon". youve also seen that when you back off, she tends to reach out. it sounds to me like shes going through something, struggling, and needs space.

when and if she does reach out, its important to understand whats driving it, without reading too much into it. that will just confuse you as to how to respond.

[Lsmw88]

well, the question is, will she reach out.

i frame it that way because if you try to predict her behavior through generalities, its likely to trip you up. borderline personality disorder (or emotionally unstable personality) are a personality style, and there are commonalities, but there are so many different variables and flavors. the internet lore often mucks this up. for instance, one of my longest, dearest, closest friends has BPD traits, has never broken a heart, and her and i never have any conflict.

i also mention that because given your history and your circumstances, (while i cant predict the future) i think its reasonably likely that she will reach out. again, youre not on bad terms. her last words were "speak soon". youve also seen that when you back off, she tends to reach out. it sounds to me like shes going through something, struggling, and needs space.

when and if she does reach out, its important to understand whats driving it, without reading too much into it. that will just confuse you as to how to respond.

Yeh that’s really good advice and I thank you for all your advice!

To get back to why she’s not responding it could be she’s dipped again or I’m thinking perhaps she’s found something that I’ve done to paint me black again. I know not all BPDs engage in this behaviour but she does particularly with friends , they can often be trying for months with her to get a response. However, like you said it’s probably best to leave it now and see what happens.

My fear is thy she has moved on and that is very difficult to deal with

[pearlsw]

My fear is thy she has moved on and that is very difficult to deal with

Hi Lsmw88,

I know how painful this limbo position is to be in! When we love someone and feel space opening up, and aren't sure they will come back or will ever love us again we can feel pretty bad. I would suggest placing your thoughts and energy elsewhere as much as possible - keep busy I mean, but don't run from your feelings. Oftentimes, at this point in a relationship breaking down, we can more clearly see how we had put our eggs into one basket and when that basket is gone... .it feels like all is lost. It isn't. This is a good time to build your life back up. Keep learning here. Come by and post when you feel bad or might want to reach out to her, but want to not do that. Talk about it with us instead if you prefer.

Try to watch your feelings, like clouds floating by, but don't grasp onto them. Let them float by. Be aware, but let yourself be at peace as much as you can.

warmly, pearl.

p.s. If this turns into a breakup we have a board for that too! We're here for all stages of things!

[Lsmw88]

Hi Lsmw88,

I know how painful this limbo position is to be in! When we love someone and feel space opening up, and aren't sure they will come back or will ever love us again we can feel pretty bad. I would suggest placing your thoughts and energy elsewhere as much as possible - keep busy I mean, but don't run from your feelings. Oftentimes, at this point in a relationship breaking down, we can more clearly see how we had put our eggs into one basket and when that basket is gone... .it feels like all is lost. It isn't. This is a good time to build your life back up. Keep learning here. Come by and post when you feel bad or might want to reach out to her, but want to not do that. Talk about it with us instead if you prefer.

Try to watch your feelings, like clouds floating by, but don't grasp onto them. Let them float by. Be aware, but let yourself be at peace as much as you can.

warmly, pearl.

p.s. If this turns into a breakup we have a board for that too! We're here for all stages of things!

Hi Pearl,

Yes we have split so maybe I have posted in the wrong place?

Take all your points about them moving on but I think it’s too late to stop that from happening.

In the process of perhaps a reconciliation would you say to stop all contact until she initiated? I don’t think that is too likely to be honest but still.

Many Thanks,

Lucy

[once removed]

Yes we have split so maybe I have posted in the wrong place?

not if you want her back. the Detaching board is for grieving, and at times, bashing and blaming, when a member has committed to exiting the relationship.

In the process of perhaps a reconciliation would you say to stop all contact until she initiated? I don’t think that is too likely to be honest but still.

think in terms of giving, and taking some space. if she hasnt responded to attempts at contact, it does make sense not to push harder, yes. but approaches like "no contact" (not to be confused with giving space) are detaching tools, they wont help you revive a relationship.

how long ago was it that you reached out?

[Lsmw88]

not if you want her back. the Detaching board is for grieving, and at times, bashing and blaming, when a member has committed to exiting the relationship.

think in terms of giving, and taking some space. if she hasnt responded to attempts at contact, it does make sense not to push harder, yes. but approaches like "no contact" (not to be confused with giving space) are detaching tools, they wont help you revive a relationship.

how long ago was it that you reached out?

Oh okay, I’m not sure the ins and outs and all the terms! I do feel like there I someone else though. She’s on and off whatsapp a lot and late at night but has not read my latest mesage. Probably because you could read it without going on it. Last time I reached out was Monday. Just really feel like that’s it now and I think it’s my fault for not speaking to her.

[once removed]

I do feel like there I someone else though.
... .
Just really feel like that’s it now and I think it’s my fault for not speaking to her.

if there were someone else, you want to be as far away from it as possible in every sense. you dont want to know. you dont want to be involved.

you did speak to her. if there were someone else, giving space had no more to do with it than pursuing her would help things right now. it would be less a threat to you, and more something youd have to let play out, while you focus on your healing, and arming yourself with knowledge.

is she, isnt she, is all speculation of course, but i think the advice applies either way. shifting focus from what shes up to to your healing is a very tall order, i know, but its the quickest path to steadier ground.

[Lsmw88]

not if you want her back. the Detaching board is for grieving, and at times, bashing and blaming, when a member has committed to exiting the relationship.

think in terms of giving, and taking some space. if she hasnt responded to attempts at contact, it does make sense not to push harder, yes. but approaches like "no contact" (not to be confused with giving space) are detaching tools, they wont help you revive a relationship.

how long ago was it that you reached out?

It’s all a learning process as I’ve never been with anyone with BPD. I have found it really impacting how I feel in other relationships and about myself. I think ignoring someone is very cruel although I accepshe may not  think of it like that.

The last time was Monday but there had been significant space between other reach outs with no repose. I think all in all since she last responded to my messages around two weeks. I think I’m confused because she seemed happy to talk to me then switched. Do you think because I’d gone ‘no contact ‘ previously she’s doing this so I don’t pull away again or genuinely doesn’t want to meet up? I can never tell with her whether she’s literally not bothered or it’s all a front.

Many Thanks,

Lucy

[once removed]

It’s all a learning process as I’ve never been with anyone with BPD. I have found it really impacting how I feel in other relationships and about myself.

i think that many of us are tested by these relationships in ways we had never imagined, i know i was. i didnt know about personality disorders. additionally, i didnt realize that difficult (personality disordered or more statistically suitable, just difficult) people are everywhere, or how to cope. learning more about human nature in general will take you everywhere, and it still applies to BPD. BPD is just one personality style... .its good to learn about, too. you need different tools with different personality styles.

The last time was Monday but there had been significant space between other reach outs with no repose. I think all in all since she last responded to my messages around two weeks. I think I’m confused because she seemed happy to talk to me then switched. Do you think because I’d gone ‘no contact ‘ previously she’s doing this so I don’t pull away again or genuinely doesn’t want to meet up? I can never tell with her whether she’s literally not bothered or it’s all a front.

i think whats going on is that this is what often happens in post relationship contact, and the person on the receiving end of the breakup is usually left wanting more, and receiving less. ive been there a few times with partners that did not have BPD.

being friends afterward is rare. it happens, but rarely (even if both parties expressly want it). when it happens (successfully), its usually after a significant mourning and healing process, and starts slowly, and its a very different relationship in nature. thats the human nature part.

there are many components to what might explain the BPD part. people with BPD traits are like you and me, just in extremes. for example, emotions are often over expressed impulsively. the transition from relationship to whatever happens next can be complicated by attachment issues, abandonment and engulfment fears, etc (they can be for us as well). you might see, for example, deeply expressed desires to remain in connection that are very different in a couple of weeks (or more), or you might see, for example, coldness, blame, vindictiveness. its also not uncommon to see someone with BPD retreat and go underground, avoid others completely.

thats a long winded way of saying the situation is that doing the same thing will get the same result. she may need time and space to heal before shes more available. she may be having a personal crisis. she may be sticking it to you as a means of punishment. she may be busy.

its hard to be sure. theres only so much you can do apart from taking it at face value. at the moment, she doesnt want to speak. as painful as it is, when someone communicates that to us, give them space, whatevers driving it.

[Lsmw88]

i think that many of us are tested by these relationships in ways we had never imagined, i know i was. i didnt know about personality disorders. additionally, i didnt realize that difficult (personality disordered or more statistically suitable, just difficult) people are everywhere, or how to cope. learning more about human nature in general will take you everywhere, and it still applies to BPD. BPD is just one personality style... .its good to learn about, too. you need different tools with different personality styles.

i think whats going on is that this is what often happens in post relationship contact, and the person on the receiving end of the breakup is usually left wanting more, and receiving less. ive been there a few times with partners that did not have BPD.

being friends afterward is rare. it happens, but rarely (even if both parties expressly want it). when it happens (successfully), its usually after a significant mourning and healing process, and starts slowly, and its a very different relationship in nature. thats the human nature part.

there are many components to what might explain the BPD part. people with BPD traits are like you and me, just in extremes. for example, emotions are often over expressed impulsively. the transition from relationship to whatever happens next can be complicated by attachment issues, abandonment and engulfment fears, etc (they can be for us as well). you might see, for example, deeply expressed desires to remain in connection that are very different in a couple of weeks (or more), or you might see, for example, coldness, blame, vindictiveness. its also not uncommon to see someone with BPD retreat and go underground, avoid others completely.

thats a long winded way of saying the situation is that doing the same thing will get the same result. she may need time and space to heal before shes more available. she may be having a personal crisis. she may be sticking it to you as a means of punishment. she may be busy.

its hard to be sure. theres only so much you can do apart from taking it at face value. at the moment, she doesnt want to speak. as painful as it is, when someone communicates that to us, give them space, whatevers driving it.

Yeh good points. I just think the more she ignores me the more this suppose slight will inbed in her mind as truth. She is very cold and a bit warped in terms of loyalty and truth. If it’s not her doing it it’s unforgivable but if it is she changes the goal posts.

Thanks for your advice. Need to avoid social media now because that’s how I tend to break!

[Lsmw88]

Yeh good points. I just think the more she ignores me the more this suppose slight will inbed in her mind as truth. She is very cold and a bit warped in terms of loyalty and truth. If it’s not her doing it it’s unforgivable but if it is she changes the goal posts.

Thanks for your advice. Need to avoid social media now because that’s how I tend to break!

Just found out she’s taken single status down off Facebook. Think we know now don’t we!

[once removed]

Lsmw88,

i know that things are especially hard for you right now.

its important to see this in the grand scheme of things, and to acknowledge your wounds, but not react.

the single status may mean something, it may not. i took down my single status after my relationship ended. i never changed it again. i have a good friend who got in a relationship, put up a status, promptly took it down, and is very much still in her relationship. i wouldnt jump to conclusions based on this.

its been a couple of months since the relationship ended (if i have that right). thats a relatively short amount of time after a three year relationship, but not uncommon for people to test the dating waters in some form. and it always stings when they do.

whether you want to detach from the relationship, or if you want her back, the path for healing looks largely the same.

- put down her social media. there is a tendency in an emotional state to be very wounded by anything one sees or hears. i know when i went through it, if i saw that my ex so much as changed her profile picture, it would trigger hours long anxiety attacks. when youre ready, you just have to stop. lean on us, get a friend who will help with the urges, put some mechanisms in place.

- if she is indeed dating, and you want her back, this is not a significant threat to you in the long run. people test the waters, and realize the dating world can be complicated, and disappointing. we have another member on this board whos ex did this. he was advised to let it play out. it did, in relatively short time. the goal, if you want her back, should be to make the very most of that time.

- making the most of your time should have an emphasis on acknowledging and tending your wounds, and healing. see the doctor. find that therapist. dig into the lessons to the right, and ask questions of members aimed at your healing.

whichever path, we will be here to walk with you every step of the way.

[Lsmw88]

Lsmw88,

i know that things are especially hard for you right now.

its important to see this in the grand scheme of things, and to acknowledge your wounds, but not react.

the single status may mean something, it may not. i took down my single status after my relationship ended. i never changed it again. i have a good friend who got in a relationship, put up a status, promptly took it down, and is very much still in her relationship. i wouldnt jump to conclusions based on this.

its been a couple of months since the relationship ended (if i have that right). thats a relatively short amount of time after a three year relationship, but not uncommon for people to test the dating waters in some form. and it always stings when they do.

whether you want to detach from the relationship, or if you want her back, the path for healing looks largely the same.

- put down her social media. there is a tendency in an emotional state to be very wounded by anything one sees or hears. i know when i went through it, if i saw that my ex so much as changed her profile picture, it would trigger hours long anxiety attacks. when youre ready, you just have to stop. lean on us, get a friend who will help with the urges, put some mechanisms in place.

- if she is indeed dating, and you want her back, this is not a significant threat to you in the long run. people test the waters, and realize the dating world can be complicated, and disappointing. we have another member on this board whos ex did this. he was advised to let it play out. it did, in relatively short time. the goal, if you want her back, should be to make the very most of that time.

- making the most of your time should have an emphasis on acknowledging and tending your wounds, and healing. see the doctor. find that therapist. dig into the lessons to the right, and ask questions of members aimed at your healing.

whichever path, we will be here to walk with you every step of the way.

She told me she was gonna sort herself but I know this would happen when she got lonely. Two weeks after I ignored on of her messages she had a picture of some random bloke as her cover photo. It’s like she can’t be on her own for very long at all. I know it may be short lived but I know what she’s like and she can’t lived without attention. She destroyed our relationship so is trying to fabricate a new one elsewhere.
Just think it was all a lie now tbh

[Lsmw88]

She told me she was gonna sort herself but I know this would happen when she got lonely. Two weeks after I ignored on of her messages she had a picture of some random bloke as her cover photo. It’s like she can’t be on her own for very long at all. I know it may be short lived but I know what she’s like and she can’t lived without attention. She destroyed our relationship so is trying to fabricate a new one elsewhere.
Just think it was all a lie now tbh

I don’t think I’m strong enough to get through it tbh. Loving someone who really isn’t bothered and is now seeing someone else I’m pretty sure of it tbh.
Feel devastated