Feeling Like Support Is Running Out

[Red5]

He's baaaaaaaaack, even sat down in my easy chair. So I asked him if he'd ever listened to Eminem and put on a YouTube video, LOUD. He left after about a minute.  

HA HA HA HA !

That's hilarious !

Me, its airplane videos... .runs her outa the "office" in a hot second... .like this one ; )

Or sometimes I also start "talking" about airplanes (work), that'll do it too... .'in a hot second'... .

Kinda sad though, .but what am I to do, watch "Say Yes to the Dress " with her, .or, ."Dr. Phil"... .she watches him all the time too... .and I'm not allowed to speak while its on  ... .also I mute during commercials, that drives her nuts  

You know, back when she was working, before BPD epiphany... .I used to sit and listen to her for hours on end tell me about her work/office/job/co-workers this that and the other, a-b-c-d... x-y & z... times are sure different now...

Actually I am a Weather Channel/American Picker junkie  

Goodness Gracious !

Red5

[Cat Familiar]

Hey Red5,
Whatever works!   No point in listening to Eminem if it’s not loud, and I bet you play those airplane videos full volume too!

My husband is a classical music aficionado and he can do the same thing to me with some operas!    Mozart’s operas I typically like, but some of the others make me respond like fingernails on the chalkboard.

What you describe about your wife’s work stories—well, that was my childhood! Every night listening to my mother’s endless and pointless work monologue.

It is sad not finding much common ground, but it is what it is and so far, it’s defnitely getting better for me. Not all relationships are salvageable. My first marriage sure wasn’t and I certainly put in the time and effort. Even if I knew then what I know now, it wouldn’t have been worth the cost of resuscitating it.

Cat

[AskingWhy]

Kinda sad though, ... .but what am I to do, watch "Say Yes to the Dress " with her, ... .or, ... ."Dr. Phil" ... .she watches him all the time too ... .and I'm not allowed to speak while its on  ... .also I mute during commercials, that drives her nuts 

Wow, Red, not to hijack this thread, but my uBPD/uNPD H does something in this vein!

H is glued to the sofa watching his TV shows and I can't say a peep until commercials.  If I venture to say anything, he keeps his eyes on the TV and silently holds up his hand and snaps it in the "shut up" command.  Of course, when his adult children are over with friends and significant others, they can chatter on as much as they want about the program or anything else.  It's only me that he commands to shut up.

Again, I want to thank WEW for bringing up BPD subtypes.  I am looking into this. 

[Cat Familiar]

Hey WEW,
I know that passive aggressive crap really wears one down. Here’s my solution to tax documents: you hold pen, produce documents, give him pen, watch him sign, then mail it off yourself and file separately next year.

I had a similar dynamic with my husband leaving wet clothes in the washer or dry clothes in the dryer—for days. Drove me crazy and I initiated countless skirmishes about this. As you probably can suspect, nothing changed. It wasn’t that he didn’t have time, I think now that he was too lazy to fold things and put them away, so it was convenient to forget about them and leave them in the machine.

Finally my solution was to remove his stuff to a laundry basket, do my laundry and then put his clothes back in the machine, just as he had left them. Now that I’ve been employing this strategy, he’s actually being a lot more responsible and we haven’t had that repetitive argument for over a year.

I too felt like a parent to a petulant teenager. I just had to stop my part of the drama and let natural consequences befall him. Now things are a lot better because I’m not the target of his anger. He can bemoan national politics, get angry with contractors or choose any other target of his choice. I no longer try and reason with him or attempt to present a balanced viewpoint; I just validate that he’s upset and feels badly. That way I stand to his side, rather than in front of him as a target and he feels supported, so he’s not going to undermine that. It’s a win/win for both of us, and so much less draining for me.

Cat

[Maximum44]

You get so uptight, even nervous, even nauseas ... .

Simple things, like interaction/chores around the home, become so intensive, you want to scream ... .

This is so true.  I also find that my concentration and memory gets lost because I'm so overwhelmed by my GF's moods, and emotions (also my fears of her moods and emotions.

Max

[Maximum44]

AskingWhy wrote earlier about hating to hijack this thread.  But what to do when someone posts something that you relate to, but isn't directly related to the original post.  My apologies WEW.
 

I just had to stop my part of the drama and let natural consequences befall him. Now things are a lot better because I’m not the target of his anger. He can bemoan national politics, get angry with contractors or choose any other target of his choice. I no longer try and reason with him or attempt to present a balanced viewpoint; I just validate that he’s upset and feels badly. That way I stand to his side, rather than in front of him as a target and he feels supported, so he’s not going to undermine that. It’s a win/win for both of us, and so much less draining for me.

Cat,

How long did this strategy take to kick in?  I have started working on on validated my GF's feelings when something bad happens at work or something with her family happens, but it always seems to eventually come around to blaming me and I'm the target again.

Max

[Cat Familiar]

Hi Max,
A quick answer to your question: it's an ongoing process. I refuse to be a target. I would suggest that you exit the conversation when she begins blaming you. It comes down to a simple stimulus/response equation. She's upset about something at work. You validate the emotion and behave in a loving supportive manner. She then blames you. "Sorry Honey, I don't want to participate in this conversation. I must go." (This sounds very simplistic, but if used on a regular basis, it will work.) You are available when she's nice and make yourself unavailable when she's unkind.

Why don't you start a thread and provide some of the he said/she said conversation so that we could help you more?

Cat

[WitzEndWife]

Update: People were talking about how mundane activities can be draining with a BPD, but what about when the proverbial poop hits the fan? Well, let me tell you, its much, much worse, and I found out this weekend.

Long story short, we had an accident with our rescue hound, during which she severed the end of my pinky finger on my left hand. I have to yell at him about five times to get him to realize that he needs to rush me to the hospital. I have to talk him into not losing it in the car on the way there.

I have to wait six hours in triage until a doctor can fix me. He goes home because he doesn't want to sit in the waiting room. He calls me crying, saying he's sad and doesn't want to be alone. I tell him to call his mom. Meanwhile, I'm crying and processing all of what happened in front of a bunch of strangers.

I get home at around 2:30 am. We were given a prescription for pain meds, which I figured would get filled after a few hours of sleep. H is anxious, but eventually gets to sleep.

In the morning, I hear the hound barking. She was kept in the basement that night after all of the hubbub. I gently shake my husband and tell him she's barking. He says he doesn't care, that she will be fed when he has had some sleep. I say that we need to get my meds anyway as the pain is starting to increase. He tells me to take ibuprofen, that he's not going anywhere. I start sobbing. I can't believe he's being so mean. He tells me to "cut it out."

Hours later, he's up and we finally get my meds. At that point, he's much nicer.

Since then, he's been waffling between Dr. Jekyll normalcy, extreme anxiety and uncontrollable sobbing. Last night, between choked sobs, he told me that he had contemplated suicide while I was in the ER. Oh boy... .

Meanwhile I'm just trying to heal and cope with having part of a finger off. I have to type with one hand, which is insanely annoying. He has managed to take the focus off of me and put it on either him or the dog. Luckily I have friends, family, and coworkers who are a good support there.

[Cat Familiar]

Wow! WEW--so sorry this happened.     Bad enough to lose a fingertip, but to have to prop up your support person too! That's too much!  

I had a similar type incident happen with my ex. I was hundreds of miles away at my father's deathbed and the day after he died, I was there supporting my BPD mom. Well, BPD husband #1 was feeling abandoned and called me and told me I had to return home immediately or he'd commit suicide.

I can imagine how you felt and think it was probably similar to how I felt back then. So sorry you had to go through all this trauma without a supportive person to take care of you.   

Cat

[WitzEndWife]

Cat - It's definitely not an ideal situation. I do have one interesting development to share.

He and have been watching "Crazy Ex Girlfriend" on Netflix together. I have already watched through Season 3, but he was about a season behind. The main character gets diagnosed with BPD early in Season 3, and I was kind of dreading him watching it because I knew that they went through the official checklist and I could see him thinking, "None of that applies to me." However, when we got to that part, he started sobbing, and said, "All nine of those apply to me." I patted his arm and left it alone. I didn't want to press it.

But its interesting, today I feel more compassionate toward him than I've felt in a long time. I want to broach the subject of BPD, but I don't want to botch the opportunity to open the door to therapy and treatment. Any suggestions on how to keep the conversation going would be welcome.

[Cat Familiar]

Hi WEW,
Wow! I'll have to tune into that show. I only have watched a couple of episodes from the first season. That's pretty awesome that he was open enough to see how the diagnostic criteria applies to him.

Good that you supported him while not pressing him for more info.  

I had an interesting development regarding my husband and therapy last night. As long as we've been together, he's struggled with feeling like his sisters, who live on the opposite coast, don't regard him as "part of the family." Like what I experienced with my BPD mom, this wound seems never to heal and when he talks about it, it's the same every time--almost word for word.

I've suggested he try therapy and he has, briefly. At one point, he was so troubled by this issue that I researched a psychologist that I had heard about and gave him the contact info. My husband is so intellectually brilliant, that he needs a very intelligent therapist so that he can't outwit him or her. (My first husband was very smart too. What I've learned is that smart and common sense aren't necessarily a package deal.   )

So he did start with this psychologist and I decided to do something radical, since I was so desperate at the time that he would be seen clearly and treated appropriately. I called the psychologist with the caveat that I knew it was inappropriate that I forewarn him about his patient, but that my husband has such a good presenting persona that I thought it would be useful if I shared what I've observed regarding how he fit many criteria of BPD. I had a very nice chat with this guy and felt relieved that I could share my observations. Unfortunately he only went to a half dozen or so sessions before he quit, telling me that he thought he was at a good point to end the sessions.

I was really disappointed, but what could I do? At least three years go by, I post more about my story here and do a lot of reading about BPD. I work on myself so that I'm no longer triggering him the way I used to. Things get better. Of course, as typical for all BPD relationships, we never return to the idyllic beginnings, but things are good, just different than what I thought I was signing up for at the start.

So here's the kicker--last night at dinner my husband said he had called this P and set up an appointment. Because my husband is so reticent about sharing information about anything he feels vulnerable about, I merely said, "That's great. You really liked that guy." He was disappointed because his appointment isn't until October, but I'm so glad that he's decided to start back with therapy.

What I'd suggest for you, WEW, is to steer clear of labels. Perhaps you could say something like "I've found it really helpful when I've had some emotional pain to talk with a therapist about it," assuming that you've done therapy. To make it seem like a normal human experience is helpful. For my husband, having a repetitive cycle about feeling alienated from his sisters has been enough of a motive to begin therapy.

Is there something that your husband has struggled with that might be a good motivator for him? Ideally a discrete topic that's not all inclusive would be a good way to normalize going to therapy. For example--lots of people struggle with depression. It's very common. I think that's the approach I'd try.

Cat

[Cat Familiar]

Hey WEW,
How are you doing? Probably still having to type with only your right hand. I know how painful hand injuries are. I chopped off a slice of my index fingertip on my left hand when I worked as a prep cook in my early 20s. The kitchen staff never found the bit--probably ended up in someone's salad. 

I hope you're doing better. I know how traumatic it can be.   

Cat

[XSurvivorX]

Sending some good thoughts over your way WEW.

Hoping this Monday finds you well!