Mother with BPD

[daughter86]

Recently discovered my mother has BPD and although it's been relieving to have a name for what has been so frustrating my whole life to deal with, I do not know how to navigate these waters. I always feel a lot of guilt, fear, and anger when dealing with her. I am seeing a therapist to learn how to deal with her in a more healthy manner. Wondering if there are any other children of parent's with BPD that can share their experiences.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi daughter86, 

Thank you for joining our online family! I think it takes a lot of courage to take that first step to reach out, and here you are. 

Recently discovered my mother has BPD and although it's been relieving to have a name for what has been so frustrating my whole life to deal with, I do not know how to navigate these waters.

You are not alone. My mom was also uBPD (undiagnosedBPD). Growing up in that environment is so very turbulent, and the effects upon us children is beyond measure. I am so sorry that you too have had to go through this.

Tell me more about yourself. Is your mom still living? Are things still bad? How far away do you live from her?

Emotional Blackmail: Fear, Obligation and Guilt (FOG) are very common amongst us adult survivors, and it has been a constant in my own life as well. As you take time to read other posts (jump in to comment btw), you'll see that others here have experienced the same thing.

Looking forward to hearing more from you!

 
Wools

[daughter86]

Thank you for the welcome! Yes my mother is still living and she lives about 25 minutes away from my husband, son and I. Before my son was born we lived about 8 hours away from her and we moved closer to be closer to family, which has not been a very pleasant experience. That was before I realized exactly what I was dealing with and how my expectations for her as a mother and a grandmother were wildly unrealistic. And yesterday was the first time I had heard of the FOG everyone is talking about and it was the first time I realized I really am more afraid of her than I am angry or anything else. It was the first time I realized the overwhelming feeling I have is fear. It's relieving and feels good to know I'm not alone and that I'm not crazy but it's also a process of grieving realizing what you wanted or needed in a parent is not what you got. It's a very draining journey I'm sure for anyone who has a family member or someone they care about with BPD. It seems to be the overwhelming theme, that it is emotionally exhausting. Glad to have found a place where I can be supported and support others.

[Woolspinner2000]

Daughter86,

It's relieving and feels good to know I'm not alone and that I'm not crazy but it's also a process of grieving realizing what you wanted or needed in a parent is not what you got. It's a very draining journey I'm sure for anyone who has a family member or someone they care about with BPD.

You are right, it is a very draining journey. I think especially as you begin the discovery process that it can be very overwhelming as you discover one thing after another. I remember uncovering so many things, then one day realising that even the way I chose to dress was a result of growing up with a uBPDm. I chose clothes that wouldn't draw any attention to myself because my mom dressed very dramatically and my plain clothes wouldn't draw attention to me. I cried when I suddenly saw that there really was almost nothing that defined me but was all about her influence upon me. It took some time to figure out who I was, but it is worth the journey.   I'm seeing within you the desire to get beyond it too.

I am so glad you are asking questions!

 
Wools

[jxeer]

Thank you for joining. I have a uBPD mom too, and relate to the guilt, fear, anger and long years of confusion - as well as the sense of relief and newfound clarity that comes upon naming the experience and realizing these patterns and dynamics weren't unique to her or people in general but its a known, studied thing and tools have been developed to help address our unique needs as adult children of BP parents.

It takes a lot of courage to face these challenges, to ask for help and take the steps towards recovery. You've made an excellent choice coming here!

Wishing you the best,
J

[Harri]

Hi jxeer!  It is good to see you on this board though I am sorry you have the history to be here.  It is not uncommon at all for people to come to this site for help with romantic relationships and then begin to work on FOO (family of origin) issues as well.  We have a couple of cross posters currently working here.

If you feel like it, why not start an 'intro' post of your own so we can get to know you better?

Daughter86, I missed welcoming you so let me say it now.  Welcome!

it has been a few days since you posted.  How are you doing?

[Turkish]

What kinds of things is she demanding?